Waking up at 8, I felt oddly lethargic. I remained in bed for about an hour, browsing through YouTube and Reddit. At around 10, I went on a walk for almost a half and hour and felt incredible and refreshed. I began studying for my math midterm but became a little tired, checking Reddit for a couple minutes in between studying. Nothing peculiar happened until around 12:30, when I went with my family to pick out pumpkins for Halloween. During the trip, I felt nauseous, but that wasn't unusual because I had been playing Kirby on my DS rather than looking straight ahead. But I felt more angry when I kept failing levels, despite my nausea. At the ranch, I felt annoyed at my mother for being irritating and for nagging my brother and I, but this is normal.

Upon returning home from ranch, I felt incredibly tired, almost like when I woke up. This is peculiar because I usually do not feel this tired until later in the day. I realized I had left my DS on and shut it off, purposefully refusing to save my data because I did not care about the game. I studied more math and physics but felt more distracted. After forcing myself to study, also studying physics, I went up into my room. At this point it was about 5:00. I was about to memorize a presentation for Spanish when a friend in a group chat needed some help resolving a problem. I attempted to help my friend solve the problem, but offered little advice of any value. I felt largely detached from the situation and honestly believed the problem to be somewhat comedic. I admitted my inability to help and once the discussion moved elsewhere, I soon stopped typing in the chat.

Dinner was completely normal. But after dinner, I noticed that the people in the aforementioned group chat were discussing something important. Again, I felt detachment from their concerns and believed the discussion to be a little childish. I tried to diffuse the tension with humor, but soon left. I retreated into the game room and started browsing r/Christianity. I felt angry at a large majority of the posts and had nothing nice to say about many of the users.

Quickly, I realized that I had not yet finished some reading I needed to complete for English and picked up my copy of Kafka on the Shore. My intuition informed me that a sex scene would occur soon, and a scene did indeed occur. I felt disgusted yet guilty yet sorrowful after skipping many portions of the scene and refused to continue the book for the night, setting it down despite not completing my reading. I took a shower then sat down in my room to read some of the Bible. When I tried to read, I could not clearly process the words in my head. I felt drugged. I read a few passages, not really contemplating them thoroughly, and closed my Bible.

It is 10:20 as I write this chapter. I fear that I am developing irrational thoughts of some sort. In short periods of time, my mood has switched from lethargic, to content, to overjoyed, to detached, to angry, to content, to guilty, and back to lethargic. I am not a doctor yet, but I truly believe I am plagued by some erratic thoughts.

My memory seems to be impaired to an extent. Today I messaged someone who asked me about childhood memories. They asked if I had any good ones. I could not picture any good memory in particular, but perhaps this slip in memory is simply due to fatigue. Yet I also realized while writing this chapter that I started studying math and physics together AFTER I had talked with my friend about their problem. Yet it may be too quick to link my irrational thinking to my memory impairment.

I have identified some causes of my irrational behavior, in addition to some I shall not reveal:
Excessive phone usage
Stress from midterm preparation

I believe that stress is a primary motivator behind my peculiar emotions and thoughts. Whenever I am burdened by an large amount of stress, my negative emotions become stronger. However, these mood changes are often occupied by suicidal thoughts, and I did not experience any today. Furthermore, my social interactions with others have not been impaired. I cannot reliably draw any conclusions about my current condition.

So why do I spend this amount of time writing about a concern that may not even be valid? Because I do not like succumbing to dysfunction, legitimate or exaggerated. When I encounter a problem, I analyze it and resolve it quickly, rather than letting it fade away over time. My changing moods and thoughts have persisted for almost 2 weeks, and I must collect my thoughts so that I can better understand how to recover. I pray for healing and I will seek to improve my condition through reasoning.

Love and Peace,
Arkada