Ash's POV

  It was truly hard to maintain control.. It was no longer up to me. Not after I lost my damn head for Anastasia Nelson. It is hard to explain.. Even to myself. At such moments, it seemed like my whole being was controlled by stronger forces.. I simply become someone else, someone lost and desperate, as for I am no longer the master of my own body.

Those desires.. It is what ruled upon me when around her. I was a madman when it came to her. I craved her lips whenever she leaned closer, and the need to kiss every inch of that sweet body of hers was what had me lose my senses. I fought with my own self.. I fought with my urges that every atom of my body trembled with, and it drove me insane having to resist her.

  The simple thought of her being mine was what woke up those mad thoughts inside me. It was what had me hold her close and burn with the need to show who she belonged to. It was once again something stronger than myself that lead me at such moments. All that perfection and beauty, the innocence and pureness this woman held.. It made me tremble with the need to show to everyone that it was mine to adore, mine to enjoy and mine to keep.

  Leaving Paris perhaps meant the end to that kind of freedom, the end to that fake engagement and the deal we had going on.. Anya wished to keep what we had private while in Richwood, and I respected that. I understood why she wanted that because I was not blind or deaf to avoid the whispers that roamed around with the wind.. The rumors of Richwood.

  It was a small town. Soon after she arrived, it was heard that a Nelson made her way back to the streets of Richwood. The older ones of course disapproved, while those that focused on work, the employees in my company as well.. They very much strictly minded their duties in the walls of our offices, perhaps not caring to listen to what was said outside of them..

  My connection with Anya grew with each day.. It seemed to strengthen with every second I spent near her. The more she allowed me to worship her, the more I craved. True insanity.. A lack of control over my own damn moves, yet even in such moments, I was at my highest of senses, aware of every strike of electricity throughout my body, every rush of yearning that ruled me..

  It was no longer just lust.. Christ, it was never just lust. It was always something more. It was something I had never felt, with anyone. I thought closing my eyes during the nights, during that time in bed beside her, would help me keep myself in check.. But it didn't because all my other senses just flared more keenly.. Dangerously close to admitting it to myself.. Admitting things I had sworn I would never allow to wash upon me.

  A woman that could do such things to me with a simple glance could not be kept in the shadows. I refused to accept that what I had with her must stay a secret. It was exciting and daring to have her act like nothing was going on around others, but the more time I spent with her, the more I wished everyone could see that that beauty I called mine.. Talk about how big of a talent she was, how intelligent and strong she was.. To show that off because she deserved better than a fake engagement, better than stolen kisses behind closed doors.

  So when we arrived in Richwood, on the airport, I found myself holding her close to myself.. Perhaps not so aware of it until I realized our fingers were intertwined, yet she didn't seem to notice it either.. Until I pulled her against myself and heard her whisper something to me.. I wasn't aware of what she said.. I heard that sweet symphonic laugh escape her, almost as faint as a giggle, but my loss of senses only proved that I was once again lightheaded in her presence.

  The second we exited the airport, she so familiarly slipped from me, and I found myself pushing back the need to hold her hand tighter so she wouldn't let go.. But I was aware that it was my family that was to know first, before the public did. Like I told Josh, I wanted them to hear it from me. And it was what I was intending on doing.

  The relief was that we no longer had to hide from Josh and Kristin at least.. I considered Josh close and Anya did Kristin, so it would had never worked if we continued keeping what we had between the two of us only.

  And after a night in Richwood, a night in my bed, I wanted her to stay there forever, because I once again found the need to hold her close and cherish every second of that night.. I never felt anything even remotely close to what I did with her.

  The next morning was once again that well known routine that we seemed to had built over the time she worked as my assistant. She was still my assistant. And I wanted her to be. It was a work position that was closest to me. I wanted no one else working that job.

  However, I couldn't waste her talent. I had plans for a few more projects with her.. She had the potential to thrive in this business. To progress. Her first project was definitely not going to be her last.. As a designer and a sketcher, she could get many deals on the right path.. And not only that, she could get a good raise. She already did.

  She was in her office at that point, while I was in mine. The long windows on both sides of my office door were once again very much useful for me to get that needed dose of her.. Just now, I had no need to steal glances. I could observe her work as much as I liked..

  And she.. She seemed to be on the same track as well.. It was almost ridiculous how a simple smirk from her, and a devilish look behind those eyes when our gazes met, could cause actual pain in my groin. And I would be a fool to think that Anastasia Nelson was not aware of it.

  So I tried focusing on my work as much as I could.. I had to resist my wish to call my assistant in my office and lock her in there for quite a while, to discuss private matters, but I somehow managed to do it.. I managed to concentrate on that simple dilemma whether or not it was a good idea to show her off in public like I so desperately wished to..

  A call from Kristin did distract me. As my secretary, it was her job to announce anyone's arrival, even if that was my brother.. Who seemed very much in rush since he almost broke my door when he walked in. He closed it almost in frustration, and a frustrated Ethan was the most fun to watch. So I leaned in my chair and did exactly that.

  "Brother," He was carrying some paper in his hands, and said nothing to my greeting.. Simply walked towards my desk and threw the paper in front of me.

  And to my surprise, a simple glance at it was enough to see that it was a newspaper.. Or a magazine. I turned it towards myself, and looked at the cover. Anya and I, arriving in Richwood on the airport, of course, doing what else other than holding hands..

  How the picture was taken, I had no clue. There was no press inside the airport for which we were assured of from the managers. Still, it could had been anyone that took the picture. We let go of one another the second we left the airport because of those exact reasons.

  'Ashton Bonner and a new mystery beauty?', written with large yellow letters on the lower part of the paper took my attention.. I heard myself snort a grin.

  My mystery beauty was a true breath taker with her dazzling smile. And I seemed like I was listening with full attention to whatever she was saying.. Which was ironic because I knew damn well that I could not get myself to concentrate on a word she said and whispered because I was too lost in her..

  I looked back at my brother. "Is there anything particular you want me to focus on?" I leaned back on my chair, taking the paper with me and glancing at it one more time.

  "Ash, do not play dumb with me. We both know that the reason why you were supposed to play a love bird with her ended the second you left France." Right. We played our roles well. "It's all over the papers now."

  He rubbed a hand down his face, and performed a circle, as usually holding a hand over his hip before he glanced back at me. Oh, it was my turn to say something.. Deny it perhaps?

  I couldn't hold back the dry laugh that escaped me. "Ethan," I started off the same way he did just to annoy him a bit more. "we let everyone in the company know that we did it for the benefit of the contracts."

  "In France." He gestured around with that hand of his like a lunatic. "This was taken in Richwood, yesterday."

  "We kept up the act for a bit longer.."

  "Yes, I'm sure in bed too." The angry irony in his tone did not amuse me. I definitely didn't need his judgments or assumptions. If he knew something, he should've said it before he pissed me out, because I was already feeling that anger grow warmer inside me.

  "Watch your words, Ethan."

  "Watch your actions." He stopped for a second, pinching his nose in annoyance still, as he lowered his tone and gestured behind himself. "She's working for you."

  And for fucks sake, I had to stand up because he managed to wake up the rage inside me, and I could already not look at him for his stupid overly panicked reaction. I should've known that Ethan would be the first problem to deal with. He was always the first one to bring up the noise and the panic.

  "You don't think I know that?"

  "Then stop acting like these are still your Mexico days." Once again he stared at me for a few seconds, almost as if he expected me to read what he was about to say. "I thought you were done with that."

  My Mexico days were supposed to be the cure for the guilt I felt after Jane's death, yet I managed to make that cloak of self-accusation even heavier upon myself.. The simple reminder of that angered me because I tired my best putting those days in the past.

  "I am." If he listened to me carefully, he would've heard that I warned him through my tone, but Ethan paid no attention when he was in panic. "What I have with Anya is,-" My eyes closed in frustration as I turned around towards the windows.. Fucking hell. To have to explain myself was damn ridiculous. "It's been going on for a while." 

  It was all I managed to say as I needed no further rants from him nor his attempts to apparently snap me back to my senses. I was very much well with the situation the way it was.. It could've been less complicated, but hell, what good was not complicated?

  "A while?" I didn't turn to look at him, but rather focused on the far New York building from the windows. "So there was no act, huh?"

  "Unfortunately,"

  "Goodness, Ash," I heard his footsteps around the wooden floor and I knew he was probably still circling around. So, I turned around and started before he could piss me off even more.

  "If I hear one word about her being a Nelson-"

  "I couldn't care less about her last name, Ash," He frowned in carelessness before walking towards my desk and leaning his hands against it. Silence fell over for a few seconds as he hung his head down. "It is father's reaction that's worrying me."

  It was worrying me too. My father had enough control of my life.. Enough control of all of our lives. I left my studies to join and lead his company, and surprisingly I grew to like my job.. But there were many things that were pushed by him, and ended very much with ruin to almost our whole family.

  Ethan was not speaking to our father for a few years after he chose to follow what he loved doing.. I was a fool to ever allow my father to lead me around. He was the initiatior of my marriage with Jane. He was the one that pushed me to.. But those times were long over. I was done with it for a long while now.

I love Anya. Nothing can get between that.

  And to my realization, I found myself gulping down.. The breath caught in my throat in a split second. I almost choked. Damn it. Those thoughts.. Those fucking thoughts.. Christ, where the hell did they come from? I- I would very much lie to myself if I tried denying it, and I knew it the whole time, just.. I just never figured it out.

  "I'll tell him." It was all from my voice that was left.

  I looked on the side with my hand through my hair to somewhat ease the pressure in my head. It was no pressure, it was heat. It- hell, it washed throughout me with the plain realization that.. I loved her. I loved that woman so fucking much, I felt like a fool for ever thinking it was lust that lead me. I lost my head for her the moment I saw her, dammit. I should had known.

  "Oh you will. Tomorrow night."

  "Tomorrow night?" I instantly looked back at him. "Why tomorrow night?"

  "Because," He reached in the inner pocket of his coat and took out another piece of paper. "Believe it or not, I was here carrying invitations for mother's charity party. Or have you forgotten she's back in town?"

  "Of course not." Of course I fucking had. I returned from Paris the day before.. How in the world could I remember my mother's charity party? I was in a damn shock from myself in that moment, so I couldn't exactly focus on any other surprises around me. "That's tomorrow night?"

  "Yes." He threw the invitation on the desk. "You better say something, or I will."

  "You will not." I took a few steps towards the desk, leaning my hands on it to find some balance. Damn me and my greedy nature.. My desires I could not control around her.. "Anya is mine to introduce, and I will do exactly that."

  I managed to explain, even though the only thing that went through my head was if it was a good idea telling her that I could keep her beside myself forever, and perhaps scare off her wild-cat nature with my yearning for her closeness. I was ready to fall on my knees in front of her from a simple damn look.. It shouldn't had been a surprise.

  "And you think he'll congratulate you for finally managing to move on?"

  "I am not seeking father's blessing, nor his approval." I looked up at him, before somewhat straightening myself a bit. "I am with her. That will not change."

  And my brother knew better than to question me further from there. I wanted him to go at that point, desperate for silence or for at least some time to think through what my mind came up with so suddenly.. The thing was, I wasn't sure if it was so suddenly or not. And it made me an even bigger fool that I failed to read myself.

  "I have nothing against the girl. What I do know, she's more capable of her job than any of your employees and she did manage to bring you back to normal after years of damn frowns." He stopped for a second, rising his finger at me like he was about to scold me. "But if you rush this,-"

  "Tomorrow night I'm telling him. I was planning to anyway." I interrupted him because his voice was very much annoying the best of me..

  "Good." I noticed him take careful steps back, observing me, like he had noticed my silence was for no good. However, he knew to back off at such surprises. To escape an argument, I rounded my table and walked a few steps behind him to walk him out. "You need all the warnings you can get."

  He said, walking out, and right that very instant, when I stepped out of my office, I saw my Anya. Those curious cat eyes looked up from her computer, and the clear questioning in them made me want to rush towards her, grab her and push her against some wall..

  To kiss her senseless and tell her the wicked thoughts that had just occurred to me.. To tell her how much I fucking adored those lips, and adored every hollow and curve on her body.. How I adored every little thing about her. Hell, admitting that would scare me, let alone her.. But it seemed like I had already admitted it to myself.

  I did manage to close the doors behind Ethan and once again quietly assure him that we would be there.. On my mother's event. What had me glued to my spot for a few seconds was how steadily my blood flew and how ready I was to turn and tell Anya exactly what had just rushed upon me.

  I did turn, just to see her stand up and round her desk. She walked towards me, and I instantly reached my hand for her.. Having her take it as I pulled her closer.. Against myself, right there in my arms.

   Goodness. Her scent was intoxicating.. And the way she wrapped her arms around my torso showed simple worry from perhaps the frown on my face, but at the same time melted a part of me, and made me hold her tighter. My eyes closed on their own.. I had been blind for far too long. I had been- Christ, a fool. I had been a fool for ever thinking I could resist it.. Avoid it. I fucking loved her with everything I had.

  "What's wrong? What happened?" Familiar quick questions from her made me smile.

  It was those little things that compelled me.. The unsteadiness and impatience. The attitude and frowns. Then the smiles and the light she brought in with herself.. Her simple way of fitting so perfectly in my arms. I was too aware of it all at that point.. But I was fulfilled. Overwhelmed. Lost in her presence.

  I kissed the top of her head. "We've been invited to a charity party. Tomorrow night."

~

  It seemed like even hours after, I still couldn't get enough of that thought.. It swirled and played through my head like nothing before.. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like a damn fool for not figuring it out sooner.

Throughout my life, I had what I wanted, I had what I wished for.. My father was determined to keep our family as perfect as possible. He found me the perfect job. He found me the perfect fiancée.. The perfect love, as he liked to call it.

The thing was, it was all according to him. It was simply his wishes he provided and I did go along for far too damn long. I had even grown into thinking that yes, Jane was the perfect bride for me. It was what I was told for perhaps far too long. It was what I believed in until she stepped out of that darkness before I could.

Yet still she could not open my eyes and make me see that it was all just a plan that other made for us. I did see it. I did understand.. It was just late when I did. Or perhaps I always knew, I just never wanted to admit it.

And then Anastasia Nelson rushed into my life.. Compelled me with her beauty and swirled my mind with her attitude.. From the very moment I saw her in my office, the girl from the club, I felt the necessity to simply pull her closer to myself and feel those daring lips against mine, because damn me, but the kiss we shared the night in the club seemed to had carved in my brain..

And soon I found out that she was either going to be my ruin or my very salvation. It turned out to be both.. Because I was ready to accept my ruin if it meant being with her.. But that was the kind of ruin that would mean crushing down the things that my life had provided me.. In other words, saving me from the things life had provided me. And she did exactly that.

I wanted her, I got her, I had her, and I craved her even more. Madness was what she caused inside me, yet the kind that I accepted with open arms from a simple glimpse from her. It was ridiculous just how blind I was for so damn long about something that was right underneath my nose.

  And I found myself yearning for the night to fall, to have her beside me, in my bed, to look at her for hours and never get tired.. I worked late, but I worked at home and with Anya beside me.. A plain example on how much my life had changed since she stepped in it. And damn me, but I refused to think it like anything else but what it turned out to be.

  Just how she sat there on the couch with the journal in her hands, going through it for what felt like the tenth time, when I knew it was just me that didn't like her attention aimed to anything else but my myself. And just like that, I found myself distracted from my work for what felt like the millionth time..

  The way she moved and talked was enough to sent me to seventh heaven.. How she put a small strand of hair behind her ear, how she frowned and flipped through a few pages..

    "Ash," A pair of turquoise eyes looked back at me, having me once again wonder how damn crazy I was to ever deny the compulsion she had me under. She closed the journal, putting it beside her. "What if I'm not the only one that has this journal?"

It was a genuine question to which she seemed to seek a soothing answer. I should've told her that it was a possibility.. I understood what she was asking perfectly.. Yet I couldn't bring it upon myself to upset her in any way. I would rather deny the possibilities than see her panicked about them..

So I stood up, walking towards her and watching how she pulled her feet to the ground and straightened her back.. How she placed her hands on her lap and rubbed them up and down nervously before glancing up at me and having me kneel down in front of her.

  "What do you mean?" I asked, still needing her to make it clear and perhaps avoid the answer that we both knew well. Yes, it was a possibility that someone else had those pages.

  "Copies.. They can easily be made." She spoke uncertainly and I found myself taking her hands in mine.. Her eyes followed my every move, but her actions seemed instinctive.

  "Who else other than your mother knew about the brown coffin?" To my question she simply stared down at our hands and caressed my skin with her thumb, inhaling so deeply that I felt like I had heaviness in my chest as well..

  "My father of course.." Her eyes roamed on the other side of the room. "I never told you about the night we left Richwood." I felt how she slightly pulled on my hands for me to stand up and that's what I did. I sat beside her and found myself frowning in need to hear the whole story.. "We left the house on time, but they caught up to us.. Remember that blockade on the road a few months ago?"

  "Yes." Of course I remembered. That night was the first time she managed to dare me to the very highest that I kissed her like my soul longed for a taste of hers. It still did.

  "They did the exact same thing to stop our car from driving out of town." She glanced on the side again, shaking her head as the memories slowly approached her.. "I was terrified. My mom could barely hold herself together, while Jen was sobbing almost as if she knew what was going on.."

Again, the more I learned about her, the more I wondered how she managed to stay so strong.. What was it that kept pushing her forward? And I had asked her that, a few times.. I asked how she did it, how she found ways to move on.. Her past was dark and messy. So was mine.. But I handled it differently. While she.. She fascinated me just how wildly strong she was.. Seemingly untouched even.

She released a slow breath.. "And my dad.. He kept asking about some leather book. He asked if my mom took it.. 'What book?' I asked him. 'The only thing that can save us now, he said." She bit down on her lip and left the silence consume for a few seconds."Someone tried shooting him. He missed my dad, but the bullet caught me."

I gulped down.. My hands had tightened around hers. My chest felt heavy and it felt as if I was torn part by part at the thought of her hurt. It reminded me of what the doctor once told me when I took her on a check up after she fainted. She had just started working for me, and even then she scared the fuck out of me when she fainted.. Let alone to get almost shot by a damn bullet.

"It just scratched the side of my leg thankfully, but all the sirens, the people yelling, the bullets shooting.. It left me deaf for everything other than my mom's voice telling me it was going to be okay."

Her explanation was a relief, explaining the slight scar on the side of her leg.. But at the same time it had me damn lost in thought, struck by the simple picture of her even slightly hurt.. It raged me to even think that someone tried harming her.. When she was a child back then, and now.. Now I would probably kill if someone even tried harming her.

   "I had completely forgotten about my father's demands for that leather book until now.."

  "Did you read the whole thing?"

  "Not yet.." She sighed and leaned back on the couch yet her hands were still in mine. "It's getting harder, you know. Trying to understand Cristopher's handwriting.. Listing through these pages.. I can clearly tell how his sickness slowly took his sanity piece by piece. The further I make it, the less I can understand what he was trying to say."

At that point all I seemed to think about was how badly I wanted to pull her close to myself and hold her still.. Hold her against my chest and sooth her.. Sooth myself by the feel of her in my arms. It was getting out of hand.

I found myself wishing to stay the only one that had ever seen such vulnerability on her.. I wished to be the only one to ever see her raw self.. Pure and innocent even after everything she had to go through. She was mine to love like that.. With everything I had. Mine to adore.

  "Then we'll make a copy and we'll both read it. You go through it once, I'll check by going through it again and maybe we'll understand why your mother wanted you to find this journal." I brought her hands close to my lips.. I kissed her soft palms and heard her release a slight breath. And when I glanced at her, I melted from the emotions behind those eyes.

"You've been exhausting yourself for hours." I pulled her closer to myself, leaning back against the couch and having her so perfectly fit in my arms, against my shoulder.. "I'm with you on this, and I'll do anything in my power to make this easier for you.." I kissed her hair and inhaled that intoxicating scent of hers. Hell, I was fucked up. I loved her.. Too much. "You're not alone."

***

There ya have it! Ash is a bae, isn't he?

But hey, it was nice to hear his thoughts.. Haven't done his POV in a while. Hope you enjoyed!

Comment your thoughts on this chap babes! I still wanna hear your theories about this journal.. Christopher Nelson perhaps had some secrets 😉

Kisses, 😘