Ash's POV

They say that losing your head over a woman means you must had fallen madly in love with her.. Then I suppose I lost mine the very minute I met Anastasia Nelson. Still, it was hard for me to believe in love. Not again. Not anymore.

No, what I had with Anya was something different. It was the kind of insatiable feeling of forever wishing more, the kind of attraction that could not be resisted, and the kind of loss of senses that could never be controlled.

That's how I lost my head over her.

I lost my mind, my resistance and control every time those wide azure eyes looked at me. The man with patience and tolerance was disappearing, just like that, and instead dominated this insane craving to simply have her, feel that body against myself, have her tremble in pleasure in my arms until she's damn faint.

I never felt such loss of control over myself. Not even when I was angry, and especially not near a woman. I always tried staying true to my manners, but I had none when it came to her because I lost my fuckįng mind from a simple look from her.

I had her in my life for a few months, having to deal with the memory of her in that tight white dress she wore in the club the night we somewhat met.. Or how she pulled it down and allowed me to see that mouthwatering body of hers later the same night..

She then worked as my assistant, meaning that was not allowed. She became the forbidden fruit in my life.. But the forbidden fruit was the sweetest, they said, and I couldn't help but crave it.

After a few of those mind blowing kisses, I found myself longing to rip her clothes each time she walked in my office, each time she swayed those perfect hips, or how she bit down on those ripe red lips that made me lose my mind with the desire to have them against mine.

I got to have that. Christ, I had all of her that night in Paris. I got to touch, feel and taste every little inch of her body yet still.. Still I wanted more. I was insatiable and damn mad for her.

And waking up beside her seemed to only make me more aware of that. Perhaps I was supposed to fear myself and what I was ready to do for this girl, but I only got encouraged by the feelings that washed over me.

For years, I could barely close an eye during the nights, or let alone have a normal sleep unless I was either tired to the point of passing put or drunk to the point of passing out.

With Anya that wasn't needed. I hadn't gotten the kind of decent sleep for God knows how long and near her it didn't seem to be a problem to.

I could blame the sex for the exhaustion, but while in Mexico I spent almost every night with a different woman and it never seemed to be a cure for sleeping. It didn't seem to be a cure for anything. It was simply a distraction, and after a while not even that.

But that night it was almost as if both of us seemed to crave more and more, and the tiredness didn't kick in for hours.. Then we would wake up and repeat. It just didn't seem to be enough, not of only the sex, but the words, the kisses, those kinds of ways of expression. Simply just never enough of one another.

I was glad that she was on the pill because there never seemed the time to think about protection. She told me that earlier that night, so it was one worry to cross off my list, especially since we couldn't get enough of each other even in the middle of the night.

I woke up just to see her right there beside me, perfectly illuminated from the cold sun that picked from the opened drapes that we forgot to close since we were too busy losing our minds in each other before we even made it to the fuckįng bed.

Her back was turned on me as she laid sideways, somewhat showing off that damn mind-blowing body of hers even more.. The picture was simply a true masterpiece.

Her dark hair spread around the silky pillow yet shining even brighter than the silk, seemingly brownish from the morning light.. Her back was fully bare, so damn perfectly lined that I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming..

The dip of her spine was marvelously arched, ending with two sharp dimples above that plump ass that dared me to the point of hesitating to pull away the silky sheet that somewhat covered it. Her hip mesmerizingly rose from her waist with the way she laid, in one perfect curve, barely covered as well and still showing the smooth skin that shone from the light that bloomed from the windows, while the rest of her legs were bare as well..

It didn't take long to realize that she was basically covered with just the edge of the sheet only over her hip and ass, while the rest was bare beauty. There was no doubt that she was a damn work of art, and I couldn't believe how I held back the whole time around her because a simple glimpse was already hardening almost every part of my body, doing things to me that proved how little resistance I had around this girl.

I pushed myself up somewhat managing to look away as I sat on the edge of the bed and turned my back on her. Christ, all that gorgeousness of hers was just not giving me relief, and damn me, but the simple sight of her like that was making me rock hard. Perhaps insatiable was the right word for me when it came to her.

After putting the first thing that came under my hand in the closet, thankfully a pair of sweatpants, I left for the kitchen to make myself some coffee and most importantly to get away from her because I was damn unpredictable around her.. But either way, it seemed like it was no longer needed for me to live on a few cups of coffee every day because I was finally somewhat rested.

I was not planning on leaving the apartment any time soon. Besides, we already missed the morning meetings and the early conference, so I rescheduled what I could for the afternoon — something I hadn't done for months since it was Anya's job.

I realized how many texts I had to sent to do that, thankfully most of them to Josh, but either way, I didn't even want to start thinking how uncomfortable she must've felt all the times I made her reschedule my meetings, through phone calls, sometimes even a few times.. Having to name all the fake reasons and excuses was not only damn annoying but tiring as well.

Besides, when I was not feeling it, I usually made her come up with excuses for me because I included it as part of her job to basically lie for me, and now I just couldn't fuckįng understand how she managed to put up with me.

I could barely squish all of those things for the afternoon and that was not even half the amount of meetings I made her reschedule for me. When she usually told me there was no time to put them all in one day, I told her to make the time because there was always time for work, I thought.

But damn, I was an asshole for not even once trying to put myself in my assistant's position. It shouldn't had surprised me when people got mad for rescheduling, annoyed, and I could only imagine how it felt to have to get yelled at because of your jerk-of-a-boss' lazy ass.

Laziness wasn't my thing though. I would usually ask her to reschedule because I wanted to go and continue renovating the lake house since physical activity gave me the forgetting that I longed for, and tired me better than papers and programs did.

I thought of all the times I made her reread my schedule and then after she did it for a few times at seven in the fuckįng morning, I made her repeat and then change a few things again and again, until she would eventually start sighing in annoyance, wrinkling that little nose of hers and rolling her eyes when I wasn't looking.

She would constantly change her weight from one leg to another, because she couldn't stand heels yet she wore them every day, and I would even have the heart to find it funny and amusing that I was annoying her so damn much.

I was a jackass at times, for sure, but at some point it became just an excuse to have her in my office longer, just to have her near myself for as long as possible, and when I felt that control slipping from me, that's when I would usually tell her to leave. I suppose I can take that as a defense..

Either way, I swore I would start going more easy on her, because work was becoming excuse to be near her, and now I didn't need excuses like that, so I could simply lock her in my office whenever I wanted. I could actually have her for myself now that she was mine to do that, not just look and fantasize.

And that was what I was intending on doing every time I decide to give my assistant a little break, a little treat too along the way.. I had the feeling that the treats would become pretty frequent once we go back to work, simply because I knew what it felt like having her near myself every second of every day.

I intended not only spending the days in the office with her, but the nights beside her because she seemed like the very cure my soul needed, and damn me but I was becoming greedier with each second that passed.

I was just hanging my call with Ethan this time, telling him to let Sophie know that I had things to discuss with her, when I turned around and saw the very picture that, little did I know, meant the very crushing of every bit of resistance I held onto..

Anya. Anya fuckįng-perfection Nelson, standing there leaned on the bedroom's doorframe and observing almost as if I was the one she was fascinated with the view.

My heart stopped for a second because the picture took me by surprise, and I thanked God that I thought of wearing loose sweatpants because certain areas definitely hardened and jumped up, while the rest of my muscles felt as tensed as to get a damn cramp from how hardly I was trying to resist the urge to rush towards her and push her back in the bedroom.

My dark gray tuxedo was the only thing she had on, well wrapped around her since it seemed like she borrowed it from a giant.. It was almost hard to believe that she could make something of mine, a man's dinner jacket, look so damn sexy on her that I found myself gulping back the things I was about to say.. It would definitely be an inappropriate way to say good morning, I thought. But damn, she looked good in the mornings.

The tux almost reached the middle of her thighs. She had the sides crossed over one another with the way she had crossed her arms over her chest, because it was freaking enormous on her.. But I couldn't understand how effortlessly she managed to make it seem like some costume dress that screamed for me to rip apart.

Her cleavage was barely exposed in a V, yet it still could make me stare and have all those images of the previous night repeat in my head, while those lean legs were crossed over her ankles like she was some boss observing a worker. The thing was, that role looked again, fuckįng good on her.

Just where those hips widened, the tux covered them, and the way she crossed her arms made the material around her waist seem tighter than it was. She costumed it for herself so effortlessly that I couldn't even believe it ever belonged to me. A simple movement, a simple way of uncrossing her arms would've been damn enough to expose herself fully to me.

That dark silky hair fell over her shoulders, one side behind her ear, wavy and unkept yet still seeming like she walked out of some magazine.. Those wide azure eyes sparkled when she smiled, and the simple grin seemed like an invitation that I couldn't say no to.

She knew what was going through my head. I saw it all in those wild eyes.. In that devilish smile. She fuckįng knew what the simple sight of her did to me, especially looking as freaking sexy as that, and she decided to anger the flames into a fire.

"You're playing a damn dangerous game, Miss Nelson." I put the phone down on the counter just as an excuse to look somewhere away from her because I could already feel myself craving to move towards her.

When I looked back at her, I realized those daring eyes were staring too, and I forgot that I was shirtless until she looked at me almost with the same lust as I did her.. Although, I doubt she could even compare her desires with mine, because what I felt was true madness. She would have to be just as insane about me to feel the cravings that I did.

I rose my brow after catching her staring and she masked the sudden blush with another breathtaking grin.

"Good morning to you too," She took a few steps towards the dining table, walking pass the large window wall and towards me. She kept her arms crossed and refused to allow the tux to open up. "Like how I styled your tuxedo?"

"Not that you put much work to it. You just threw it on." I dared and watched her stop near the dining table and look down at herself. I sipped from my coffee to keep myself from saying things that would definitely be too inappropriate for even eleven in the morning.

"I can take it off."

"I wouldn't mind."

She kept a smile to herself, yet still allowed one of those irresistible little dimples to appear on her left cheek. She looked me straight in the eye and reminded me of the wildness that that night was.

"You ripped my lingerie, remember? Now I'll have to go back in the hotel without any panties. Just know that it's your fault."

She walked past me and I fought with the urge to simply reach my arm and pull her to myself because that's how little effort it would take.

"I accept the guilt for that." Not that I felt any. "But you do realize how damn daring that red was?"

Instead of answering, she swayed those luscious hips on me and reached for one of the top cabinets. The tux rose from behind but sill didn't reveal much which I'm pretty sure she already thought it through.

Her height of barely 5'6 didn't allow her to reach the—I suppose coffee that she wanted, but I enjoyed every second of her struggling because it was damn cute to see her put so much effort on her toes and still refuse to ask me for help.

I sipped from my coffee as I kept leaning on the counter, while her stubborn ass didn't ask for help even after a while of trying. So, I offered myself.

"Need help with that?" She stopped, sighed, and turned to look at me.

I saw when she slyly glanced at my cup that I was holding and I knew exactly what she had on mind. She walked as close as to barely leave space between out bodies, took the cup from me, sipped and looked at me.

"I'm good." She finally answered with another one of those daring smiles that was damn contagious. "Who were you talking to on the phone?"

I crossed my arms over my chest just as a way of keeping them to myself because she was seriously challenging me, and taking her in the kitchen was still something I had to think through first.

"I rescheduled everything for after lunch."

She frowned and it was the exact wrinkling of her little nose turned-up that I enjoyed seeing each time she either got confused or frustrated.

"But that's my job.."

"Not today, it isn't. Or the time you're in Paris, because here," I pulled her by the side of her waist, making her take a step closer and put the cup on the counter behind me. "you're my fiancée."

I couldn't understand how she managed to keep the tux closed but she did a good job.. And now that she was basically inches away from me, that intoxicating smell seemed to flood my senses in a way like nothing else did.

   It wasn't just the feminine perfume she was wearing, but the very smell of her.. Sweet and springy scent that her hair always seemed to hold, perhaps because of whatever shampoo she was using, but still slowly becoming my new favorite smell.

"Right." She nodded her head slightly, looking down at my chest for a second, upwards until she focused on my lips but still seemed somewhat lost in thought.

"Which reminds me, you're gonna have to put on your ring when we're around people," I reminded just to see the reaction I was hoping for. "The fake ring."

I could tell she was thinking about the actual proposal I managed to somewhat pull off by trying to convince her to get herself a safe stay. I respected that she believed in marriage out of love. I respected her very much for sticking to that throughout the entire argument that night.

But now she seemed lost in thought for a second. She had a job as my assistant and I wasn't planning on firing her. It seemed to be enough of a reason for her to relax and not worry about getting deportation warnings. But just like I told her, marriage was safer.

However, I did give her time to think it through and try to handle the situation herself. She still didn't get a deportation warning, so I suppose she had things under control. And I was glad to have what we had in that moment. A relationship.

"It's not a fake ring, Ash. The ring is the realest thing about that engagement."

We were still fakely engaged in front of Marino, Sophie and the rest of the investors and partners..

But the ring was real, just like she said. It was in my family for generations and it was the only thing I had for the fake engagement because it all happened way too quickly..

She uncrossed her arms just so she can run her fingers up my chest, and even though my hand now rested on her waist, I still pushed back every urge to pull her against myself. The tux didn't open much, it just deepened that full cleavage of hers which effortlessly took most of my attention.

"I'll put it on after I shower." She finally answered through some kind of a sigh and her tone gave away the exact same thing that seemed to be going through my head.

Her mention of showering made me look her in the eyes the very same second she looked at mine. We seemed to had gotten the same idea.

The different shades of blue swirled together with green and even had dots of yellow in the sunlight which just proved how much of a masterpiece she really was..

She ran her fingers through my hair painfully slowly and I desperately pulled her closer to the point of having her against myself yet still not quite yet kissing her. We simply stared at each other for another few seconds, reading one another's wild minds throughout every second that passed.

"You should come." I heard that soft voice again, barely above a whisper and I realized I barely payed attention on what she was saying because I was busy finding resistance in my pants.

"Where?"

"Shower."

I nodded my head and barely answered.

  "Alright."

She nodded her head back. And I kissed her like an addict getting his doze while she kissed me back the same breathless way until she was fully in my arms, legs around me, arms around each other, barely finding our way to the bathroom.

I wanted her against me again, naked again, lost again. I wanted all of her right then like I was desperate for he cure she was. I wanted her to be mine again. And it was a damn necessity.

A quiet voice in my head kept telling me that that again would become too much to the point where I would want her to be mine forever. And for some reason, I didn't fear that thought.

~

Anya's POV

After sleeping through the morning, we spent the rest of our free time in the shower together, and I forgot how good it felt to do something that so effortlessly allowed me to clear my thoughts at least during the time we were together..

  Yes, I forgot how good it felt to have someone soothing me. Someone's simple presence giving the kind of relief that was lifting that stone from my soul.

  It was never just the pleasure that mattered with the two of us. It was something so much more. Almost as if the simple feel of each other was allowing us to drawn in the moment. At least me.

  It didn't take much for him to get exactly what he wanted from me. A simple touch from him made me shiver, a simple kiss made me tremble and a simple rub made me shake.

  It was a bittersweet feeling of having him against me, in me, all around me, that allowed my mind to go blank. I gave myself up and allowed him to control my body the way he pleased because he did that in the most pleasurable ways.

  He would push me against the shower glass just so I would have something to hold onto while he took me from behind.. Against the shower wall while he held me in his arms.. On top of him on the shower bench while we lost in each other's lips like it was the taste we wanted to die with.

  The warm water poured from above, wetting our bodies with speed that almost matched the desperation in our moves, the quickness in our kisses and the way of losing our senses from one another.

  It was no longer a question. He wanted to see me in pleasure and he aimed for that with every single touch. He succeeded. Every damn time. He had me trembling and moaning with every attempt to the point where I lost count of how many times he made me come to pieces in his arms..

  Each time he would end it with a kiss that swirled my mind, until I was limp in his arms, lost against him.. Until I thought I would die from pleasure.

  But every time I thought I could take no more of that explosion of senses, of that mind-blowing way of making every atom of my body go to dust, he proved me wrong. I took the feeling and he made me own it, scream it, and even beg for more of it.

His thrusts and rhythm were as always thought-through till the very moment I was trembling in his arms, and not even then would he stop. He was quick and unpredictable. He was unbelievable good. He was everything a woman could ask for. Every fantasy that every woman longed for.

  I loved every second of the ache, the pleasure, the speed and the unpredictability his moves held. I loved every second in his arms and it even scared me because I had given myself up to him completely. I wasn't the master of my own body when I was with him, and I never loved it more.

   I was still in his arms by the time we were done with all those acts. While sitting on the shower bench he held me in his arms, sideways on his lap as we allowed the water to pour over us.. As we allowed ourselves to let our own actions we previously preformed set in.

  I would look at the shower glass and have that picture pop in my head.. The glass was blurred from the hot water, matching the heat of the blood that was still boiling in my veins. My cheeks perhaps blushed with the image that sank in my mind, perhaps embarrassed from my own desires in that moment..

  I looked away from the glass and towards the shower wall.. We did it there too. And perhaps I was supposed to feel more embarrassed because how much I allowed him to own me, or most importantly because I loved it.

  But I felt the way he was holding me. The embarrassment disappeared because it was Ash that I was with. I trusted him more than I trusted myself. And I don't know what that was supposed to say about me, but I knew that the tingles in my stomach only proved that I would repeat those actions just as breathlessly, just as senselessly.

  It excited me to think that I could have that with him now whenever we pleased. The simple thought of experiencing a real relationship with him excited me beyond belief. I wanted that with him. It seemed like I didn't want any of it to stop.

  Finding him the kitchen drinking his coffee in the mornings, shirtless and in sweatpants with that perfectly soft unkempt hair that I could proudly say I ran my hands through and messed it up.. Finding him looking at me like he was ready to rush towards me and rip the little clothes I had on myself even after a whole night of making me scream his name in that bedroom.. Finding him looking at me with the kind of lust that matched mine, even in eleven in the damn morning.

  I could barely recognize myself. I was doing things I never did in my life, but perhaps it felt so damn good because I was doing them with the right man.

  I had Ash Bonner hold me on his lap on the shower bench like he was afraid to let go. The thought made me melt. He kissed the side of my face while I ran my fingers through his wet hair from behind for the millionth time that hour. It was as if we fit in each other arms perfectly and it never felt more comfortable.

  He washed my hair after that and asked me if I needed something more than just shampoo. I still couldn't help the smile off my face after that because those simple words made my heart flutter. Then I washed his and he kept claiming that he would now smell like me because we used the same shampoo. Again, I couldn't help but grin.

After we finally left the bathroom behind us, I towel dried my hair and put on the simple white shirt he gave me. He told me that he asked Marc and someone else to bring our stuff from the hotel since he didn't intend to go back in a hotel. The apartment was a bit away from the conferences and meetings in the hotel, but it gave us more privacy, and it seemed like the only thing we needed at that point..

The only thing there was for breakfast were bagels and creme cheese so we decided to have them in bed as well as the coffee I insisted on even though I didn't need it that morning. The sex woke me up well.

  My stomach was empty since I hadn't eaten anything after dinner the previous night, so I was lost in the food because bagels with cream cheese were damn perfect for such a morning, and Ash seemed to agree because we didn't say a word to each other for at least ten minutes after we sat on the bed with our breakfast.

  I sat with my legs crossed in that perfect yoga position while he was leaning on the headboard as we shared the cream cheese, and after my second bagel when I felt my stomach somewhat filling was when I looked up and realized that him and I were wore matching shirts.

Plain white with Snoopy lazily laying on its stomach with a bunch of 'Zzz' around it.. The logo was on the top left side, like it was placed over the heart.

  I smiled and he noticed. "What?"

  "Where did you get these shirts?"

  "Ethan thought it would be funny to get me five of them last year for my birthday." I rose my brow while chewing and waiting for him to continue. "When we were kids," he gestured with his finger over the picture on the shirt. "this picture of Snoop apparently reminded him of me when I passed out on my grandma's floor one Thanksgiving after eating too much. It became kind of an inside joke after that."

  I tried imagining him as a little boy, but Ash was usually too responsible and grumpy, so the picture simple couldn't form in my head. I could see the dark hair and the bright gray eyes on a cute little ten year old though.

  I realized that I was grinning, so I clapped my hands to get rid of the crumps over the plate and took my coffee from the nightstand.

  "Well, if I continue eating, I'll end up like that as well."

  "Eat, Anya. You barely ate anything last night on the conference." Because I was too busy arguing with that bitch Sophie, I thought.

  I ignored his words though, just looked at the way a few short strands of his hair fell over his forehead since it dried itself, and he still didn't get the chance to run his hands through it and make it stick upwards, nor did I run mine yet.

  I took a sip from the coffee and the simple picture of the two of us having breakfast in bed, in Paris, something as simple as bagels with creme cheese gave me tingles in my stomach, because we were already acting like we were on a honeymoon when we were just fakely engaged.

  I cleared my throat and decided to change the subject a bit. "You know, even though this place was lonely for so long, you still managed to make it seem homey."

I heard him chuckle, I suppose at my choice of words, but homey was a word I used frequently with Jenny because we rarely found places that were cozy and comfortable since we were on the move for so long..

He swallowed down nodded his head. "I lived here for six years."

"Six?" He clapped his hands the same way I did and then took a sip from his water.

"I stayed in Paris after I dropped out of college to run my father's company from here."

  Ever since the previous night I had some thoughts in my head.. Not frequent. They weren't hunting me, it was just that I heard from Kristin that he met his old love somewhere around high school or college.

  I was never the kind of a curious girl when it came to people's pasts, but Ash was something else. He meant a lot me, no matter how much I tried denying that I grew close to him.

  And I would lie if I say that I wasn't feeling a bit left behind. He knew everything about me, starting from my family's history and heir status in Richwood, while I.. I had no clue who Ash Bonner actually was other than hearing stories about his past with Jane.

  Silence fell over for a few seconds. I bit down on my lip and looked back at him. He was putting more creme cheese on his next bagel and I hesitated whether to ask or not, but I felt something heavy in my stomach, and I knew that it would be wrong if I delayed the subject more.

"Is this where you met her? Jane?" To my surprise, when our eyes met, nothing behind those silvers had changed.

"Yea." He answered like he was aware that I've heard the stories that roamed around Richwood, and then took a bite from his bagel.

"You know all about my history, I just thought- well, I've only heard stories about you.." I tried but he almost cut me off..

  He was casual about the subject almost like it didn't mean much to him. I'm sure that it was a pleasant surprise that I wasn't another one of those that pitied him. I wasn't sorry to bring it up. I wanted him to open up to me.

"It's fine, Anya.. It was all almost three years ago. It has never been hard to talk about her." He leaned back on the headboard. "She studied medicine as well.. Her father was in the same business as mine. They introduced us."

"Oh."

"I had met her in high school, even though we were never really friends. She moved from Richwood to France with her family before junior year. The people from the town still knew and respected her family though." I looked him in the eye as an encouragement for him to continue and he did exactly that. "Everyone rooted for us to end up together, so from the moment they introduced us, it was all well arranged and planned, not only from our families but nearly the whole town as well."

  Arranged, he said. It was almost as if the memories from my uncle's attempt to marry me to David rushed back with speed that flooded my senses, making me almost lose my voice.

"I know that feeling." Was all I managed to say, and he seemed like he tried reading me for a few seconds.. He was the one that was lost in thought about me, when he was the one with the tragic past. Still, he continued.

"She, uh- she figured what we had was barely real before I could. She found someone else."

  He said that with the kind of comfort like he was used to telling the story, and the thought of people being so curious about someone's pain made my stomach unpleasantly turn. I mean, I was curious but only because we had spent months together, and I wanted to hear it from him, not from random rumors around Richwood.

  He finished chewing and continued. "I knew that what we had was more to satisfy the expectations of our families but I still considered that we were perfect for each other.. She finished medicine while I worked for my father's empire. Everyone expected us to be the next perfect couple Richwood had. The press wrote hundreds of headlines, people said the best things, and I fell for my own act. I brainwashed myself that it was all perfect when it was just a damn arrangement."

"It must've sucked being in the public eye."

  I knew he hated exposing his life too much to the press and now something told me it was because of that exact period.. When he chuckled in irony, he proved me right.

"It did. It still does. Everyone knew everything, more than the two of us did even. They knew how many kids we would have, what they would turn out to be.. They had it all figured it out. The problem was, we didn't."

  I knew how that felt. I really did. My uncle had all my future figured out after my mom passed away.. I just wished my father could've been well and present to stop all that crap from happening. It did change me, in many ways. Ash's past obviously drastically changed him as well.

  Ash finished his bagel with one last bite and continued, while I listened with all my attention because for the first time I started finding similarities between the two of us..

  "She tried telling me this one night. She already left a week before our wedding because she met some British guy in all that misery that believed in positive energies and some crap.. But surprisingly he opened her eyes better than I could."

He stopped for a second. Again, he seemed comfortable talking about it, but this time like he couldn't wait to get it out.

  "I didn't want to accept her words. I felt hurt even though I knew I never loved her truly, but loved the picture of the two of us together for the public."

  Those words took me by surprise while he on the other hand seemed like he was telling them to someone for the first time. He trusted me. That was the biggest surprise. He was telling me something no one else knew. Something that everyone in Richwood wanted to know. Yet he put all his trust in me that it would stay between the two of us only..

  Or maybe it was the complete opposite. Maybe he wanted everyone to know that he never truly loved Jane.. Maybe it was even a lie just so people would stop showing pity.

  "She came back for her stuff because she wanted to face me one last time while he.. He waited for her outside in his car."

"Ouch." I heard myself say and before I could even regret it, I heard a slight laugh escape him, this time not ironic but pretty genuine, and I was glad I managed to somewhat ease the heaviness of that conversation.

"It wasn't as ouch as I thought it would be. I was just furious because she was leaving me to explain everything to the media alone. I was the guy that Jane Husher left a week before the wedding."

  He continued this time seriously, and I listened like my life was depending on it because I wanted to actually hear the real story he had to say. I did care about him, and seeing him open up for the first time like that made me think that perhaps he cared and trusted me just as much.

  "That night we fought for hours. I think that she even forgot he was waiting for her outside. She left angry.. Almost as furious as I was because I was apparently unreasonable. And I was. I was blinded with that vision of seeing her as a perfect match when I really felt barely a real connection with her even after two years of knowing her." He stopped for a second. "They were leaving Richwood when they had an accident."

  His eyes didn't change a single emotion the entire time. The only sign of hurt he gave out was his voice slightly deepening. It was the strangest thing how I felt a stone in my chest hearing even a slight sign of hurt on him.

"And you left for Mexico after that." I found myself mumble, watching how those silver eyes looked at me before he made himself comfortable by bending his knee up and resting his elbow on it.

"I hated being pitied. And everyone just loved showing sympathy.. I was tired of being the victim. I had to get away."

  That explanation was serious and calmed, but again, the deepness in his voice showed the anger that he was still holding trapped in himself. Of course a man like Ash would hate being pitied. He was not only physically basically a man mountain, but he was strong on the inside too.

  They did consider him as the perfect guy in Richwood, the golden boy of the town, strong on the outside, thoughtful on the inside. The perfect gentleman.. That's how Kristin described him. But it was something he used to be though..

  After Jane's death, everyone apparently blamed his grumpiness on his hurt, on his emotional pain, when in that moment I was seeing that her leaving him to deal with everything on his own hurt him more than her actual death did.

"You did the right thing." I told him and he smiled.

"You're the first one to say that."

"Well my case with David was completely different, so I won't say that understand fully because I was never in love, or connected with him in any way. But I know what it means to lose someone and to want to get away." He stared at me like he was reading me, yet still seemed somewhat fascinated in a way that I couldn't understand. So I went back on him. "Did you feel guilty?"

  Perhaps he never thought anyone would have the guts to ask him that, and I wasn't even sure why I thought I had the right to. I was ready to apologize and never bring it up, but he seemed very much pleasantly surprised from my question. He answered with a nod. 

"I did. That night, the fight we had the last time I saw her.. It repeated in my head after she died. Constantly. I did love her, maybe not as much as to be ready to spent the rest of my life with her, but I did." He stopped and searched my face for a second. "Nothing helped with forgetting. Until you."

  I looked down and put my hair behind my ear, not because I was blushing, but because I didn't exactly think he was reading his feelings the right way. If anything, I felt like I made his life more of a mess, but I suppose it all turned out well..

  "You silenced everything in my head. The night we met, I thought you were just like every other girl in the club, but your eyes gave away so much.. Confusing and blurry. I couldn't read you and it was a first." And I was glad I managed to prevent people from reading me because that was exactly my goal after my mother's death. I hated being pitied as well. "And then you turned my life upside down." True that.

  He chuckled and I couldn't help the smile that curled my lips as I looked back at him, just to see him reach towards my face and put away a small strand of my hair.

  I could see relief on his face and I was glad I brought up the subject. But at the same time, there was something on his face that I couldn't read and understand.. It was not connected to the subject we just discussed for sure, but it was still some kind of an emotion behind his eyes that I couldn't find my way through.

  He seemed fascinated each and every time he looked at me. He respected me, I could tell, mostly because he once asked me how I was doing it.. How I was able to move on.. That night on the road.. That night when we kissed for the first time.

  He ran his knuckles over the side of my face and I found myself closing my eyes at his touch.. I found myself putting my hand over his, yet I didn't pull it away from my face.

  "What you and I have.. It's something different. It's new, for starters." I looked at him and once again was almost left breathless with the way he was looking at me.

"It's damn mind-blowing as well." I added and he grinned.

  He then took my hand and pulled it towards his face, kissing the inside of my palm slowly, softly, making my insides turn from all those damn butterflies that exploded at the pit of my stomach.

He said words that melted my heart. "It's real. That's all that matters."

***