Last thing that happened was me getting an emergency expulsion for being a 'danger to myself and others.'

If you haven't already read it, here's the LONG story {note: this is copy/pasted straight from my oneshot books so if you saw it there you've already read it and you can skip}:

So you guys thought what happened on Wednesday was crazy and stupid? Oh boy... wait until you hear about the trouble I'm in NOW...

It started this morning at the end of my counseling appointment. I had shown my therapist one of my oneshots and one of my poems, and then I told her my writing was disgusting. She gave me this look of like... almost anger? It wasn't really anger but I took it that way and since it's not easy to make me full-on cry I just sort of got watery eyes and wiped them.

I said, "Don't mind the water in my eyes," casually.

My therapist was immediately alert and asked, "Why is there water in your eyes?"

I told her it was because I was pretty sure she was angry with me. She said she wasn't but I didn't believe her and I just kept getting more depressed. I sighed and numbly mumbled, "I'll just leave..."

I went into this corner of the counseling office where I sat for a while. I sat there for quite a while before rage and sorrow just kept building up inside me and I stood up. I took a chair and slammed it against the wall, then I kicked it a whole lot. I even turned it over and kept kicking it until I ran out of energy and slumped back into the corner, breathing heavily.

Nobody even really cared about my little breakdown. A few minutes later my therapist was walking out, I'm not sure why, but she noticed me in the corner breathing heavily and asked me what was wrong.

In a very angry voice I said, "You hate me."

She crouched down next to me and gently said, "No I don't."

I snarled and spat, "Bull. Shit!!!"

I stood up while she said something about going back to her office to talk it over but I didn't listen. I stormed out of the counseling office and went straight to the ledge, ignoring the strange looks people gave me since I was still breathing REALLY heavily and I looked like I'd kill somebody.

When I got there I slowly started climbing further up the ledge so I could swing my feet over the other side, just willing myself to jump. Next thing I knew an admin started telling me she needed to talk to me and to come down to her office.

I thought she was going to get me in trouble for truancy because I've been skipping a lot of classes lately, plus I wanted to jump and kill myself so I told her to go away. She didn't go away and told me again to go to her office with her, and I started getting scared by the way she was talking and like all movie clichés, in a really freaked out voice I half yelled, "Get away from me!!!"

She didn't. She just started talking and I didn't wanna hear it so I started walking away. She followed, so I started running. I looked behind myself and she was still just walking, but I kept running. I ran to the first floor, crossed sides of the building and tried going back to the second floor. My idea was to circle around back to the ledge so I could hopefully jump and I hoped they wouldn't think I'd return to the ledge.

...I was wrong. They were practically waiting for me. Yes, they. Now there were TWO admins. This obviously freaked me out even worse. The second admin, a guy, walked up to me and casually said, "Hey Shaun."

I'm not stupid and I know admins communicate, so I yelled at him to go away and backed up. He went, "Okay, geez..." and surprisingly he actually left.

I waited for a while before going back up to the second floor again but instead of going to the ledge I went to a secluded corner of the school where I'd be able to see if they'd come after me from three different spots. I didn't wanna be somewhere where only one or two people could corner me so I tried staying in intersections even if that raised my visibility.

The original admin showed up again and said I could be escorted to the office by security if I wasn't compliant. I just kept walking away, fearing that meant they'd take me in handcuffs or something.

"I don't NEED to be escorted," I said as I kept walking away.

"Then walk to the office with me," she demanded, but I kept walking away. I heard the beep of her radio all staff are required to carry as I rounded the corner.

I just kept running, avoiding all staff and trying my best to stay in places I could run if I had to. I knew I could've left the school building at any time but that also didn't really feel like an option to me for some reason. I dunno, it felt like I was locked inside and being forced to play cat and mouse in some tiny field where I'd inevitably lose. And what's worse was I was the mouse at a lot of disadvantages.

The school has security cameras everywhere so I'm sure hiding would've been pretty pointless. I could've tried hiding somewhere without a camera but they either would've seen me enter that area or would've known to look in all the areas without cameras, so I figured my visibility wasn't an issue but where I could run WAS.

After a little while I wandered around some more because I was worried if I stayed in the same spot they'd just strategically corner me and I wouldn't know until it was too late. I ended up bumping into my friend Cara by chance and I was out of breath and my eyes were WIDE when she found me. She asked what was going on so I whimpered, "Um... security might be after me-"

"What did you do?" She seemed really surprised.

"Um..." I was about to talk but at that moment a security guard came up the stairs!! "Oh shit-!" I whispered and I started speed walking away, always looking behind me in case they started running. They didn't.

I looped all the way around the second floor again {my school is pretty much two giant squares on top of each other with a few add-ons outside the square, and there's five stairwells in the main hallways where you can go up and down}, and I actually ran BACK into Cara again and this time without a security guard after me {I wasn't sure where he went but as long as he wasn't after me I didn't care}.

She asked me what I did and I gave her the rough rundown of events in a very shaken up voice. I kinda explained my running situation a little bit to her until the bell rang and she had to go back to her class to get her stuff. Once she came back to the hallways I kept sort of giving paranoid ramblings to her, and then she pointed out a security guard was standing right in the intersection she had to walk to to get to class so I turned around and went the other way.

The hallways thinned out and the tardy bell rang, and once more I was all alone. I went and stood at intersections and areas I could run in many directions, but I never 'camped' in the same area for long. Then, the original admin that had talked to me told me that my dad was on his way to come pick me up. She asked me to get my stuff and come to the office, but I kept walking away so she said she'd get my stuff for me and meet me in the office later.

At this point I was feeling the adrenaline that had been burning through me start to go away, and I was feeling tired. I told her my stuff was in the counseling office and she said she'd get it, and left. I walked down the hallway a little further until I got to a stairwell and I just kinda collapsed onto one of the steps.

I screamed about how I couldn't just be normal and a teacher ended up asking me what was wrong. I asked to see my history teacher but it turned out she was busy in a meeting and that wasn't an option so she talked to me a little bit instead. She was a librarian that had once been an English teacher, and we talked a little bit about books.

After a while the admin showed up and said, "I anticipate your dad will be here in about ten minutes, so come to the office with me."

I really just wanted the entire mess to be over so I complied, and I was forced to sit in the ISS {in school suspension} room until further notice. They put me there because it was rather empty and I was 'a danger to myself and others.'

I stayed in the room until she showed up and told me to come with her to her office. She explained to me that I was going to have an emergency expulsion!!

Basically what that meant was I was basically suspended for any time up to ten days while they 'investigated what happened.' They said my dad would get a call on Monday telling me when I could go back to school so that's just what I'm gonna be waiting around for now.

Then she asked, "Do you know how long you were avoiding us for?"

I shook my head and she said, "About an hour an a half."

Well... that explained why it felt like I had been running for ages.

My dad arrived and we had a conversation, and my therapist joined. Everyone told their side of the story and mine was the most 'enlightening' about the situation but I did learn that they had been watching me on the security cameras the entire time, even when I'd been talking to Cara! I also learned they'd 'strategically placed' a security guard at the ledge in case I came back, and what's funny is at least five or six times I had tried to at least go to that area, not necessarily to jump but to run through that hall. I wondered why I always ran into a guard there!

They mistook my heavy breathing for laughing and giggling for some reason too which really pissed me off!!

I was fucking TERRIFIED, there was nothing about that I liked because I knew when I was caught there was going to be grave consequences! If it'd just been a game with some friends I'd have thought differently but that wasn't a game... that was actual fear. It doesn't help my case that when I'm nervous or scared my body naturally makes me start grinning {sometimes even laughing} like some weird freak, and that isn't the first time I've had people mistake me for laughing when I'm actually scared.

Well anyways, they then had to make sure I wasn't going to commit suicide once they learned why I'd gone to the ledge and that was a mess. It took a good 30 or so minutes before my therapist was confident enough to move on.

What do I think now? I think when I kicked the chair in the counseling office I should've stayed put instead of going to the ledge. I did a lot of really stupid stuff because I was so scared, sad, and mad in the moment and I really regret today.

As I said in the office:

"I just wanted to have a normal rest of my school day. I wanted to go home and have a peanut butter sandwich. I wanted to lay in my bed and be on my phone, listen to music, and just be ME! I wanted to eventually get online and talk to my friends and tell them my day at school was good, and say I had a little homework but that was okay. But now that won't happen."

~~~

Yeah... I just directly copy/pasted the story as it showed up on my oneshots. There's a lot of details I left out because they were just too full of venting and emotion {and that post was meant to inform}, but now I'd like to go into depth because this is a venting book!

First of all... the fact I chose to run really bothers me. I really should've just followed instructions to go to the office, I still don't know why I ran. All the staff in the office were commenting about how extreme my reactions were and said, "What you did doesn't make any sense because it was so extreme."

Yes, I know it was extreme. I do know a little bit about why it was extreme... that's because it was pre-meditated in a sort of way. No, I didn't plan on that exact scenario, in fact I didn't want it to happen at all, but the running idea wasn't new to me. I didn't just get the idea in my head on the fly. Actually, for quite a while I'd tossed and turned the idea of running from staff if they ever tried to make me go to the office or something. I never executed it because that's what crazy people do, right?

I just wanted to be left alone so damn badly when I was being bothered. I wanted to be alone in my thoughts and think things over, alone. I was agitated just by the first appearance of the admin. She didn't even talk to me and I was already angry. Plus, I was still really pissed from before because of what happened in the counseling office. I rather would've tried to be hostile but I'm not THAT stupid and so I ran instead.

Another point that really bothered me was when they said, "You could've gone to the office at any point and this would've been over."

I was paranoid. I was not thinking that going to the office was even an option, I didn't even KNOW I could've done that! If I'd known would I have done it? That, I don't know. I do know that in the moment I was so terrified I was going to be taken in handcuffs when I eventually got caught that I wanted to use every last second of my 'freedom.' I was so convinced of that idea I was seriously contemplating leaving the school and becoming some kind of stowaway.

I'm usually a very practical person and even in loads of stress can think of things like, "What about food, shelter, money, etc.?" when it comes to going somewhere or doing something, doesn't matter what it is. Simply the idea of a vacation makes me immediately worry about finances, hotels, packing, and everything that isn't relaxing. In my frenzied state I could barely think of that anymore. I just wanted to run, I've never felt such a powerful paranoia before that made me even forget to think about my basic needs.

Usually I think of class, too. I'm always extremely worried about missing class. When I was in the mental facility I'd watch the clock during school days and say something like, "I'd be halfway through trig class right now. I wonder what they're learning about right now." I didn't even consider classes anymore. I barely knew what time or class period it was, I didn't care anymore. I wasn't worried about missing class because I was just so worried with running.

One point that bothers me because I know it sounds very schizophrenic-like is when I yelled at the second admin. The way he responded {and his absence at the 'meeting' that happened when I calmed down} makes me think he possibly had no idea what was going on, or had other priorities and wasn't concerning himself with my situation because it was 'contained' or something. When I told him to get away from me I literally thought about how schizophrenic I sounded.

When I was running, sometimes when my mind cleared just a little I thought about that too. Just how... crazy I sounded. What I was doing was just ridiculous and I knew it was something only some kinda crazy person would do, but I just kept running anyways. Why was I so scared in the first place? Nobody had run after me once, people had walked after me but they never really gave chase. Nobody ever had the intentions of giving chase, just watching.

I didn't know that in the moment but after an hour and a half I couldn't figure that out? Even when I told the admin my stuff was in the counseling office and she walked past me to head there I backed against some lockers as much as I could because I was still scared she'd restrain me or try to grab or attack me or something.

All of these crazy things I've done and thought leave me paranoid they might call me insane or something and decide they wanna stick me in a mental facility... permanently. I know it sounds stupid but that's what I'm honestly worried about. For years I've felt like my entire world is falling apart around me and always asked myself, "Why can't I be normal? My siblings have no mental issues or troubles so why am I struggling? Why do I have all these problems? If my siblings can do it why can't I?"

I've never felt that frustration so strongly until today. It just feels like something's terribly wrong with me and it's only got worse over the years. Then I remind myself that a lot of 'extreme' mental illnesses tend to show up around college age and it makes me wonder... is that where I'm headed? Am I just some crazy psycho that needs to be locked up? In a few years will I be even worse, and maybe not even know that I'm mentally ill?

I've wondered that for years... except now it's just worse. And you wanna know the scary part? Because I've pondered it for so many years I've almost accepted that's where I'm probably headed and I've started mentally preparing myself for that. The only reason I haven't totally given up... is my connections on the internet. That's it. That's the only reason I keep fighting and struggling to be 'normal' and why I keep trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm mentally sound. If I didn't have a Wattpad or Discord I wouldn't even be trying anymore... I wouldn't care.

My father has lately been telling me a lot of my actions are exactly what my mother would do or how she'd act.

"Your mother would just threaten to kill herself all the time. That was how she got through life, and I didn't even take her seriously anymore."

"That is exactly the kind of shit your mom would do! She'd go and freak out and do that kind of crazy shit!"

"Do you want to end up like your mom, with a beer bottle in your hand and ruining your life?"

"Do you need to be locked up in prison?! Because that is exactly the kind of shit people in prison would do. And your mom's one of those people."

Am I really just turning into my mother...? She was suicidal and depressed and did lots of fucked up shit because of all her mental issues. She'd pretend to be normal but suddenly she couldn't take it anymore and she'd just snap... she'd call us animals and tell us we weren't raised this way. She'd hit us and throw stuff at us, and tell us we were terrible people. I don't want to turn into that monster.

But... look where I'm headed. I've already started doing crazy shit, and more frequently too. In just the span of two months I've been sent to a mental facility, threatened suicide in four different methods, halfway manipulated people to get something so I would stop threatening suicide, yelled at my therapist, ran from authority for an hour an a half... the list goes on. In just TWO MONTHS!!

Only somebody going insane would be able to do all of that in just two months... right?

~~~
Word count: 3480