Tick, tick, tick...

I can practically hear the clock ticking away as I'm stuck in an endless loop of boredom. I turn on some music, but immediately I regret it. As I listen to it the only thing I can think of is the horrible time I spent at the facility.

Sitting around in complete boredom wishing SOMETHING interesting would happen, punching the walls, talking to my therapist, staring out windows wishing I could leave...

It's too painful. I don't wanna think about the torture I was forced to endure for two long, grueling weeks. They were the longest in my life. The days felt like they would never end and I hated my insomnia with a passion because sleep wouldn't even rescue me anymore for eight blissful hours of quickly passing time.

The days feeling so long confused me to the point that if something happened earlier in the day I'd actually legitimately think it happened three or four days ago. If somebody told me it happened earlier that day I'd get confused and sit there for a while before realizing they were right.

My hobbies at the facility were sleeping during the day as much as possible to pass time so it'd feel like I was getting out faster, reading to pass time, talking to pass time, and watching the clock. Everything I did was just to pass time. Everything was just biding my time, waiting until I'd finally be given clearance to leave.

When a single song makes all those feelings and memories rush back into me... I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it. I've never had a song elicit such strong emotions in me. I end up clutching my head and wanting to scream but not being able to. It's horrible. Why does one song have to cause me so much pain, anyways?

I know songs are really good at bringing up memories and emotions for me but why is it negative now? They've always been positive until now. Plus... memories have always been 'stored inside music' by listening to it a lot during that specific time period. Like, I listened to two songs a lot during winter so now those songs make me feel like I'm on the school bus looking out the window to see three feet of snow on either side as the chains rattle along to keep us on the icy road, and being ten minutes late to class because we had to drive so slowly to not crash.

I didn't even know this song existed until after I left the facility. To top it off, I only listened to music when some girls wanted to turn on the radio and since we're all stuck in the same room I had to hear it too. There was only one song I know that was played and that was because a staff member had a speaker and offered to play song requests, so I requested a single song and she played it on the speaker.

To try and get rid of the horrible response the song gives me I've played it... pretty much 24/7. When I'm not really paying attention to the music I can tolerate any memories that pop up but if I focus on the music it's still unbearable even after two days of subjecting myself to this torture. Usually playing a song just once a month is enough to make any memories associated with it have significantly less effect on me.

I'm wondering if me torturing myself like this is why Patty came back. Well, it doesn't matter now because she's here.

Another thing I'd like to mention is how the atmosphere of my house has changed. It used to feel so... welcoming and free. Now it just feels like bare walls, minimal everything from furniture to love, and almost like I've just been "stuck in" here. That's exactly the atmosphere the mental facility has. To add to that, the facility has the atmosphere that many suffering teens before me have walked the hallways and anguished in there. It's like a toxic cloud that every new client adds to but never takes with them as they leave. I don't know if it's just my imagination but sometimes I felt like I could almost see the kids before me that were imprisoned in that place.

I've started getting kinda like that at my house. I've started almost seeing my brother and sister {who've been moved out for a long time} at their worst in the house, even if they never really had any issues. It just feels like there's only bad remnants of them that I've vividly picking up or something.

The fact my house has started triggering me to start feeling like I'm in the mental facility again really bothers me. Why is this happening? Is it just that song causing so many bad emotions in me or am I having some kind of mental breakdown? I know recently whenever I wake up in the morning I'll sit up expecting to be in my room at the facility but I look around and see I'm just at home. Sometimes I look out the window expecting to see the same sights I saw looking out the windows at the facility but I just see trees and hills.

Why is my brain thinking I'm at the facility again but knowing I'm not...?

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