Please make them stop-

I understand why people like to self-diagnose. It puts a name to what they might be feeling and helps them feel like they're really participating in solving the problem. I don't actually have a problem with the act of self diagnosing as long as you don't say you have a mental issue because you said so. Diagnosing that kind of stuff requires a person who has gone to college for several years and earned a degree, possibly many degrees even. Thirty minutes of Dr. Google telling you what the symptoms are isn't exactly the best source. What I AM okay with is someone saying they're concerned they MIGHT have a mental disorder.

I know I had self diagnosed bipolar for 3 years until finally I was sick and tired of keeping silent and sitting on my thoughts so I spoke up and demanded a bipolar screening. Next thing I know, I'm getting asked more questions and eventually a diagnosis is made. That feeling of, "Wow, I was actually right," made me feel a lot more valid, and plus I was also able to have access to better treatment.

Self diagnosing, if done correctly, can actually get you somewhere. It got me somewhere because they almost put me on antidepressants but I knew those would probably make me manic as hell so before they ordered and prescribed anything I demanded the screening.

But I know it's not always gonna be right, or done by people who are responsible. I still remember one time I saw somebody in their bio that wrote they had self diagnosed depression, anxiety, MPD, and I think some other things too. First of all, MPD is called DID now. I'm not very well acquainted with the facts of DID and I won't pretend to be, but I'm pretty sure it'd be really hard to tell if you had it {maybe even impossible, I dunno}. Correct me if I'm wrong though.

I do know for a FACT that depression and anxiety are probably not actually what the person is experiencing. Maybe the emotions, but most likely not the disorders. Just because your life isn't a blast 24/7 and it's a dull, boring routine doesn't mean you're automatically depressed. Nobody has that great of a time all the time- actually, if I'm having a blast 24/7 it probably means I'm in mania which is obviously a major red flag of bipolar. So unless you're partying or having just the greatest vacation ever, don't expect life to always be so amazing and happy and if it's not then you must be depressed. No, that's called an average existence which many outside of average envy.

As for the anxiety, just because school or your parents stress you out a lot doesn't mean you have anxiety. It might mean you have a high-stress life and live at a higher risk and you might wanna have some great stress coping skills, but doesn't mean you have anxiety. If anything that means some changes/adjustments to your lifestyle should be made so you can stop stressing out so much.

Of course, I don't know this person so maybe they really do have problems they can't talk to anyone about. Maybe they really do have anxiety problems because of so many things that feel like a never-ending pile of whatever. Maybe they really do have depression problems and cry themselves to sleep every night wishing they'd never wake up. It's not likely considering that most people with problems that bad would have their parents notice and probably do something about it, though their parents might not care or just told them it'd go away in time.

Still, self-diagnosers can get worse. I was on Quotev last night just casually taking random quizzes like, "Do you have a mental disorder?" and, "What's your mental illness?" I just wanted to see how badly people butchered these kind of quizzes.

Most of them were only maybe 5 or 6 questions long and had maybe 2 or 3 mental illnesses in the possible pool of results. Lots of the answers were super obvious and didn't really even fit what a real person experiencing the mental illness might feel. And this happened on multiple quizzes! Oh yeah, a lot of them didn't even have an option for NOT having a mental illness.

I do understand they're just quizzes from a fanfiction website and I don't take them really seriously, but it still bothers me. If all these people really think they know enough about mental illness to advise others about their mental state and that's how bad their quizzes are, I start to understand why there's so much stigma around mental illness. And I actually understand WHAT that stigma is, because for the longest time I never really understood what people meant when they said there was a stigma.

You know what it is? Romanticism or complete hatred. Those are how most people fall on their opinions of mental illnesses.

People who romanticize mental illness maybe find it a little quirky and interesting. They maybe think the people who are mentally ill aren't really suffering but just experiencing some fun symptoms that spruce up their life or make it interesting. Maybe they even think the sufferer enjoys their mental illness, or maybe they say things like, "We're all a little mentally ill."

People who hate mental illness probably think they're all fakers. They most likely think nobody could really be that "screwed up in the head" and if they are they're probably some "schizophrenic psychopath" that needs to be locked up forever. They might think the rest of us can just "snap out of it" and stop being mentally ill.

Neither of these beliefs are true! As for romanticizing mental illness, I certainly don't think I'm just quirky or interesting. I remember on one of my Wattpad books when I revealed I was bipolar somebody commented that they liked bipolar people because they were unpredictable. That comment seriously bothered me. That'd be like me saying I like people in wheelchairs because I could push them around in their wheelchair. Maybe some people in wheelchairs wouldn't mind that comment but I'm sure many would be offended!

Another thing that bothers me is that they said they liked how unpredictable bipolar people are. If you get to know somebody who's bipolar, you'll eventually start to see some sort of pattern. I have violent tendencies in depression, in mania I'm usually very active in writing and/or art, things like that. I can even predict when an episode will happen and I've started using that to my advantage to plan ahead when I sign up for classes in school. I've signed up for the harder classes when I'm sure I'll be manic and easier, less strenuous classes when I'm sure I'll be depressed.

Sometimes that pattern gets broken or something lasts longer than usual, but generally in fall and spring I'm manic and in winter and summer I'm depressed. I always figured the depression came from being so naturally isolated because I wouldn't be able to go to school, but COVID-19 getting school cancelled has shown that's not the case like I thought because I'm still manic during this intense isolation. All that means is I can look at other things that might trigger an episode {I know not all episodes have triggers but finding those that do and don't is helpful}.

If being able to predict when episodes will most likely happen and how I'll tend to act is still considered unpredictable, then I don't know what to say. Most people can't just say, "In a few months I'm probably gonna be down in the dumps."

I think they might've said we're unpredictable because sometimes symptoms can get really extreme, and to an outsider it can seem like some unstable thing that's fun to "untangle" or "figure out the puzzle." I'm still trying to understand my symptoms and even my own condition, and although sometimes I have fun along the way by pure chance it's mostly a tedious process. Why do I get violent when I'm depressed? Can I change my thoughts and/or actions to help prevent that so I don't ever feel violent in the first place? How come I make bad, hasty, pleasure-seeking activities in mania? If I recognize when I'm manic can I keep that in mind when making decisions so I'm more educated about what I'm doing? Those are the kinds of questions I have to answer for myself, otherwise I'm not gonna ever manage this monster called bipolar.

It's not necessarily terrible or grueling, it's just tedious because I need to go through that with every single symptom so I can really understand it all. I probably don't have to go that in-depth about myself but my biggest pet peeve is not having information when I want it, and since I know myself best I'm not gonna rely on someone else to figure out my symptoms for me. Maybe those close to me and my therapist can give me some starters and pointers, but in the end I have to find the answer to any question I might have about myself. Plus, I like to be thorough when it comes to information. I want to be the person that knows too much for their own good or the person that would be recruited somewhere just for knowing so much {or killed for knowing too much}.

As for romanticizers who think mental illness is fun, it's not. In depression I don't know how many times I've screamed at myself to just be normal or cried because I wished I wasn't like this. I hurt so many people when I'm depressed and in the moment I don't even care- in the moment I WANT to see them hurt and suffer. Then when I calm down and see the destruction I've made the self-depracating only gets even worse, coupled with guilt for everything I've done. And the worst part is I don't have any energy or motivation to truly fix things and I come off as not truly caring, so I hate myself even more and get more depressed. Eventually the cycle feeds itself so much that I start turning to suicide, telling myself I'll always come back to depression so why not just end this terrible cycle I'm dragging others into? If I can't fix myself then I should go into time-out, right? Well, since I can't ever fix myself then it needs to be permanent, right?

In mania, sure, my symptoms are fun most of the time. Mania feels amazing, especially after that horrible cycle of hating myself. I feel like I'm super smart, super nice, super whatever, deserve to be the center of attention just for being so amazing, and I'll find any chance to show off my knowledge while trying to sound subtle about it so I don't look like a show off. After having low self-esteem, feeling this good about myself is awesome. I become super creative and I write and draw a lot- I actually just got a digital art app that when I'm manic I almost always have on my phone but once it wears off I delete it.

I'll have so many ideas and the energy to follow through with those ideas and see them to the end. It makes me feel really powerful and like I can do anything. If I happen to learn a new skill I'll feel like I'm a pro at it just from a few practices. Recently I learned how to cook hashbrowns and an omelette and now I feel like I'm some five star cook that could work in a fancy restaurant and I'd be praised and respected for being a great cook. I know that's not true because I'm aware I'm manic and that I'll think way too highly of myself, but that's how I feel.

However, there's still symptoms of mania that I hate. I get paranoia that makes me want to curl up in a ball and scream. I'll feel like my teachers are always watching me during class, all my classmates probably secretly hate me, the security guards and cameras are always watching me, people are lying to me often, there's something or someone out to kill me, somebody's stalking me, people can read my thoughts, I'm being brainwashed, etc. The list of paranoid thoughts I've had goes on and on. They're not delusions because I know they're not true but at the same time I'm still feeling that crawling fear for no reason.

I often hallucinate a character I dub, "The Shadow Man" because it's a man completely made of shadows. He has a consistent shape and form, but he's just made of darkness and shadows. Usually he watches me through my bedroom window if the blinds are up {even in broad daylight} but sometimes he'll show up inside my room or house, though usually that's only during the night. He never moves or does anything except watch me like a pedo. After I blink a few times, he just disappears like he despawned in a video game or something. He's still terrifying and my father tells me it's a demon that I can pray away, except I know it's not because I've already tried praying it away multiple times. It's never worked once. However, he just says I didn't actually pray because it would've gone away and when I tell him to close the blinds he says no because sunlight needs to get in the house. It's MY fucking bedroom!!! I understand the living room and kitchen windows but my window is my window.

Sometimes I do get "mildly" delusional. There was a time I convinced myself I was dead and was a literal walking corpse, and I was so freaked out at first, but I told myself that once I started rotting then I'd be called a zombie and prompty executed. I didn't mention it to anyone and just went about my life thinking I was already dead, but when I didn't start rotting I got confused because I was sure I was dead. It took several hours of thinking before I figured the likelihood of me being dead was low, and it wasn't until the mania wore off I realized I'd actually got delusional. There's been other times I convinced myself that I was gonna be killed, some disaster would happen, my father was having a heart attack, and things like that. When I was proven wrong it took a very long time for me to accept reality but it eventually happened.

I get angry really easily. I do too in depression, but the difference is that I don't tend to get violent during mania. However, what's interesting is I get angry much easier during mania than depression. Simply the act of a misplaced item can make me scream my lungs out in frustration and start punching walls or yelling at people. It doesn't always happen when something gets lost or misplaced, but it happens enough that I make sure to keep everything in the same spot all the time or else I'd be really angry a lot.

Those are just some of the symptoms of my mania that make it miserable or annoying. I have more symptoms that are just as bad and make mania not just a 24/7 party. So case closed romanticizers, mental illness isn't fun. Even one that's supposed to have a fun part comes with strings attatched that are miserable. For everyone else with other mental illnesses that don't get that luxary, I'm sure their suffering is a lot worse.

For people who hate the mentally ill, I really would like to know why. I understand we're very different and it seems strange that so many people would have very similar problems in their mental state, but it's kind of like how we vomit to expel something bad from the stomach {too much food, pathogen, poison, etc}. How come everyone vomits? Sure, it's a reaction to something, but how come we all do the same thing physically? Mentally, it's very similar. We can't help that we vomit just like we can't help that we have a mental illness. We all vomit just like we all have the illness.

I hate that some people say, "If you can't see it, it doesn't exist," about mental illness. You can't see gravity but that exists. Plus, you CAN see mental illness. MRI images of mentally ill patients versus those who were healthy shows that their brains are very different. Each mental illness is obviously different, but none of them are the same as a healthy patient's brain. If you say, "Well, that doesn't count because you need machines or whatever," then prepare to have your mind blown, you can't see germs without 'machines or whatever.' Does that mean they don't exist?

For those who think we're all just faking it, how come in the past when the mentally ill were maltreated and abused people still showed symptoms? If they just wanted attention or sympathy they wouldn't show mental illness if that would happen to them, right? What did we gain in the past from faking it other than getting locked in a stereotypical mental asylum? And all we gain now is a therapist, lots of judgement, and probably someone who desparately wants to throw medications at us. We're not faking it just to seem cool or weird or whatever. If I was faking it, I wouldn't have let it go so far I got put in a mental facility. I would've confessed I was faking it if I was, but I wasn't. If I was faking it I wouldn't have tried to kill myself so many times.

There are some people who DO fake having mental illnesses. They whine about their "illness" to others and try to gain their sympathy for it, but that's not all of us. I'm actually embarrassed to admit I have bipolar disorder because I'm afraid people will think I can't handle certain things or I'm some freak or something. Online I'm very open about it because nobody that knows me online can really do a whole lot to prevent my future and opportunities from happening, but in person where it matters I only tell those I trust about my diagnosis. I try to hide my problems and symptoms rather often because I fear people WILL think I'm faking it.

As for "snapping out of it," that can't happen. You can't just give us some miracle cure and expect us to suddenly be better, or tell us what we're experiencing is wrong and for us to suddenly "fix" our behavior. We know what we're experiencing is abnormal, but that doesn't solve anything. Someone with ADHD can't just focus because you tell them to. My sister's getting herself checked for ADHD because she has problems focusing and doing work to the point she suffers greatly from it. She almost can't read because she just can't bring herself to focus on the words no matter how badly she wills herself to read and just do the work. She can't just "snap out of it." She's had this issue since elementary school and it obviously hasn't gone away, she's in college now and it's still there.

How come there's romanticizers and haters, anyways? I understand not everyone's gonna be on the same page no matter what information you stick to them but a lot of it stems from misinformation. And I'm sure lots of it has to do with self-diagnosers.

People who truly fake mental illness might actually believe they have the illness so they're very verbal about their problem. Usually when people are very verbal about their mental issues without going into a lot of details, it's probably someone who self-diagnosed themselves on very little information. They might even romanticize mental illness themselves.

People who witness the behavior of this faker think it's someone who truly has the mental illness they claim to have. Those who really have it just watch from the shadows, because many of them don't have the courage to speak up. Some do, but many don't. As a result passersby see a terrible representation of mental illness, which makes them think all people with that illness are like that. If they didn't like that behavior, they become a hater. If they found it interesting, they become a romanticizer and when they look it up on Google they already have a bias on the subject which makes them interpret the information in a romanticized way rather than what it really is.

I'm sure haters and romanticizers are born plenty of times from other methods, but this is the one I've become aware of and I would like to stop. If you're not professionally diagnosed please don't tell everyone you have that illness, and if you do phrase it like, "I think I might have PTSD," or whatever illness you think you have. If we catch a cold we usually say, "I'm pretty sure I caught a cold," or, "It's probably just a cold."

If we could all be more careful about the way we express a self-diagnosis, I'm sure that'd help stop misinformation from spreading so much and help remove the stigma that passes around. I'm sorry for this long rant but it's a subject that bothers me a lot since it was brought to my attention.

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