I HATE this subject. It pisses me off so much just how privileged people in this society have become and they don't care about those who are less fortunate than them. Or, they simply don't even think about it. I hate it so much.

To start with, there's way too many people that claim they're low income. What are they eating? Knock-off cereal brands and macaroni and cheese. Both of those are EXPENSIVE!!! If I get any of that stuff I start worrying that we've spent too much money. I start questioning my dad and asking him why we got something so expensive. Just the other day we got bacon for some reason and I'm concerned those 8$ have gone to something we REALLY shouldn't have bought. It worries me a lot and I feel terrible about the fact we have something THAT expensive. What was my dad thinking?! We can't afford that without serious problems!

Most people don't have to worry about every single food item they buy. At the store when I see our shopping cart full of food I always wonder if we're buying too much. We get the same stuff every time but in different amounts based on sales and such. If my dad suddenly gets three bags of chips I question if we can really afford three bags of chips or if we should get two instead. And I'm not even the one that gets to eat the chips because he hoards those for himself, along with his expensive cereal that he won't care that we can't afford the 5$ a box. He gets expensive coffee that's like 8$ a pack and he doesn't care despite the fact we both know we can't afford that.

I get chili at about 2$ a can and pasta at about 1$ a box and I'm not allowed to get those very often because they're too expensive. He prefers buying eggs at 2$ a carton and making me just eat eggs because that lasts longer than a single can of chili for about the same price. He hates buying peanut butter because I go through too much of it according to him and on top of it all that means he has to get a lot of bread, which he doesn't like having to get that much bread. We're constantly straining and worrying about what groceries we're buying and trying to be sure we didn't spend too much, because if we do we might lose the roof over our heads.

What about bills? We struggle to pay for those. We're always trying to find ways to cut down our electric bill by at least 75% because we can't exactly afford it. In winter the house is so cold you'll freeze without a jacket {usually the house is set to 66-68°F} because we can't afford the heat to keep it much warmer, and in summer we have to use all sorts of tricks to keep it cool. We have to open all doors and windows at night so the house gets almost down to 50°F sometimes and then in the morning we shut it all and close the blinds so the sun can't get in. We're not allowed to shower, use the stove, use the dryer, or anything else that might generate heat until it's nighttime because we can't afford the air conditioning.

I can forget about going somewhere if it costs money. There's lots of things people have tried inviting me to where it was maybe 5$ for admission but that was too expensive for me so I declined. We have to pay 10$ in gas money just to GET there since we live far out of town so it eats up way too much money in gas for a single trip to town. If we're lucky we can maybe go there about once a week and not have spent too much on our gas that month, but usually we try cutting it down even shorter. If we have to go to town twice in a week everyone's surprised and we start wondering if that's too much gas money we're spending and if we'll have to skip going to town the next week. If someone has a doctor's appointment or something we wait until that appointment to go to town and get errands done because we can't afford to do it whenever.

That's another thing, insurance. Recently because of ME, insurance stopped paying for lots of medical care and instead only covers mental health services, so my dad suffers a lot because he has medical issues. I won't go into too many details but his spine is messed up which leaves him on a cane and legally disabled. He has to take prescription pain medication because he gets a lot of really intense back pain, there was one time he overworked himself and for the next couple months he was practically bedridden and screaming in pain. He's the same person I've seen with wounds gushing blood or getting whacked by something large and he doesn't even really notice or care too much. Once when he inflated my bike tire he took it for a spin and tried to do some tricks but failed cuz he was rusty on his skills and fell off the bike. He skinned his hands and feet to the point they bled but he just laughed and shrugged it off. Also, everyone's surprised he hasn't had to have back surgery because it's bad...

But since insurance doesn't like to pay for his medical care because of my dumbass who can't pull their shit together, we worry. What if something happens and he needs surgery? We won't be able to afford that. What if he needs some emergency care? We won't be able to afford that. What if the prices for prescriptions keeps going up? We won't be able to afford that. The list keeps going on and on, not to mention he has to cancel several doctor's appointments because he simply can't afford them.

Also, I know SOMEBODY out there's gonna wanna think he's addicted to painkillers or some shit because that's the stigma around them... I know he's not because I kind of monitor his usage just to make sure, mainly because we can't afford it if he got addicted. He doesn't take his pain meds as prescribed {which tells him to take like 2 a time like 4 times a day, which is WAY too many}, he takes them on an as-needed basis for when his pain gets too terrible for him to handle. He doesn't even take his pills most days and lives just fine {or as fine as he can}, plus it saves money.

Anyways... there's still more. Whenever I'm out somewhere that's free but there's things I could buy, I can't afford them. I might want something but I know I can't afford it. I remember one time my school did a thing where everyone who became a 'student of the week' throughout the year got to go on a field trip to watch a movie. I went to the field trip {we watched Sherlock Gnomes by the way}, and all was well because they paid for all our tickets. But then... the concession stand before the movie. There were a lot of wealthy people around me that were buying TONS of food and candy and popcorn and soda and I didn't want to be that one kid without anything. I worried that I'd get made fun of or something, and plus I wanted some concessions to help enjoy the movie too, but I didn't have a penny on me because that's too expensive.

I ended up asking this person I didn't know well if she could buy me some popcorn. She was totally cool with it and didn't ask for anything in return, but I still felt really bad about it. I felt like an ungrateful leech who wanted to be spoiled during the movie because the movie wasn't enough, I just HAD to have popcorn with it and be a spoiled brat. That's how I felt about myself afterwards.

Speaking of school, my school's broken the law. Public school {in the USA anyways} is supposed to have an option that's 100% free because taxes already are supposed to pay for school. In 7th grade I was REQUIRED to do something called National History Day for a grade, but the competition cost 15$. The fee has been sitting on my account along with band fees that I simply can't pay. I had to do those things to earn grades/credits in order to graduate though, so I shouldn't have to pay for those things. On top of it, I CAN'T pay for it! I could technically file a lawsuit against my school for breaking the law, and I'd probably tag discrimination to low income families and emotional damages because I've spent YEARS stressing and worrying about what I'm gonna do about that stuff and hating myself for being so damn poor.

I could go on and on about all the things we simply can't do or afford along with all the things we've had to do because we're so poor, but that would take too long and those are the main ones that always bother me. I just barely turned 16 and I've already spent years worrying about finances and money because I'm so poor and if I don't I might accidentally guilt trip my dad into buying something we really can't afford {I've done it before and the feeling is terrible}. I have to constantly wonder if we're able to keep food in our house and a roof over our head because just one too many purchases can fuck us over for months or even years.

The worst part is? I live in a rich neighborhood. Well, not the EXACT neighborhood I LIVE in... let me explain. Like I said earlier I'm far out of town and I basically live in a rural white trash area. The school district I go to is full of rich kids, though. There's actually some people who are literally millionaires though most people at my school are just upper middle class. The average "poor kid" is lower middle class and even then they only have to be careful about which fun things they do and don't do, they still get to buy some shit they want and get their allowance from mommy and daddy. It disgusts me.

I remember so many times I mentioned something was coming up or there was just a holiday and someone would ask me, "What did you buy?"

I didn't BUY anything because that's too expensive. I had to give one of my own possessions because I can't buy something brand new for my friend's birthday or Christmas or whatever but I don't wanna seem like some heartless cheapskate. If I said, "Sorry, I couldn't get you anything 'cuz I can't afford to buy anything," that just makes me look like an asshole! Nobody's gonna believe me!

I hate it if something breaks and I start stressing about having to fix it when someone says, "You can just buy a new one."

Oh, maybe YOU can! But I can't! I have to make this cheap, crappily made bullshit last me five years or else I'm just out of luck. One thing I like doing is using stuff my dad used as a kid because even though they're old, they're actually usually much stronger than anything I could buy. Like if I need a coat I prefer asking my dad for one of his as a hand-me-down because they're usually warmer and better made than anything nowadays, especially since I can only afford the cheap bullshit. Unfortunately his older shoes aren't my style, but I've been lucky with shoes lately.

I had a pair of tennis shoes for about 4 years, but after a while they started pinching my feet because I'd grown out of them and they were falling apart and had holes in them anyways. Shoes are way too expensive so I was really worried about what I was gonna do, until my sister told me she had been donated a pair of shoes during drum corps that she wouldn't mind giving to me, so I took them. I believe she has them back now because for Christmas a year or so later my friend ended up buying me a REALLY nice pair of tennis shoes. They're about a year old now and I've used them a lot but they're still like new and I'm super grateful my friend got them.

One thing that really worries me is the fact I can't exactly get a job because of where I'm at. I'm not in a city, I'm in a rural area full of shotgun-happy people that have fences and gates and none of us talk to each other. That's not really the place to go looking for odd jobs like maybe lawn service or something. Plus, many people have livestock and they'd probably ask me to care for them or something and I don't know how to do that.

I can't try getting a job in town because the gas money would be WAY too much. By the time any wages I earned covered the cost of just the gas, it'd be time to leave anyways. Plus I wouldn't have any time to do schoolwork or anything like that because I'd be too busy trying to work so I could get some extra money to help out. That's why I've decided that I'm gonna eventually write a book and try getting it published so I can earn a little revenue off of it and hopefully that'll help out at least a little bit. It's a pretty bad plan with lots of variables that could easily result in it failing, but it's the only one I've really got a shot at. And so, I've spent three years working on something behind the scenes that's definitely not ready to publish yet.

I feel terrible about the idea of publishing something and making it cost money because I know exactly how it feels to want something so badly you could just cry, but even 3$ is too expensive which just makes you feel terrible for being so poor, and you wonder if you did something wrong to end up so poor and have a mental breakdown. I'd hate to have to cause that pain to someone else if they wanted to read my book or something. I'd feel terrible and guilty about myself, and the other person wouldn't be faring too much better. I'd probably try to find some way to get free copies to people with bad financial situations that wanted my book if that ever happened, though I'm not sure how well that'd work out.

And speaking of writing, I remember in junior high there was a writing club that was new and held after school. I wanted to join it really badly because I figured it'd be a lot of fun, but I couldn't. I have to ride the school bus to and from school, and the school bus obviously doesn't wait an hour for a single kid to do a club. Since I live so far out of town it's not like I could try a public bus, and plus those cost money anyways. But even though the club itself was totally free I couldn't afford any transportation home after the club so I wasn't able to do it. I was so angry at myself for being so poor that I remember I cut myself for quite a while.

That's how bad my financial situation hurts me. I've been poor since I was about 7 or 8 and over the years of constantly being told, "No," just because I'm too poor to be able to do it has taken quite a toll on me. I can't afford Netflix or Amazon prime or Wattpad premium... the list goes on. If I tried to get even ONE of those things, I'd suffer because that's supposed to be money for food or bills. For Christmas my dad tries to keep spending to no more than 50$ per person and even then it drains any money he's been saving over the year. On birthdays it's pretty much the same story. I remember in November after he bought all the food for Thanksgiving dinner {which ended up being turkey, mashed potatoes, and home-made bean casserole and that's all} he told me that he only had about 5$ in his wallet and 12$ in the bank because we spent too much on food for Thanksgiving.

I hate living like this so much. Why can't I ever just live with the peace of mind knowing I won't have to worry about being able to afford the essentials? Every time we buy anything I'm always worried that too much money was spent and we won't be able to afford something that's much needed. For my birthday we got Pizza Hut which cost about 25$ for the entire thing and wouldn't you know it, there's not a lot of actual food. Just some leftover pizza and cheap food and that's about all we got. We have expensive food in our house but that's because my sister paid for it with her own money, except for the bacon that I have no fucking idea if my dad just wants us to lose our house or some shit. At least wait until June to get expensive food where nobody in the family has a birthday!

What's funny is people that hate those on social security. Guess what? That's our source of income. My dad can't work because of his health and I can't work because of transportation issues that make me sound like I'm making excuses. I remember one time my sister's history class when she was in high school learned about social security. The teacher asked the class if social security should be cancelled, to which almost the entire class said YES, social security should be cancelled. They called those on the program leeches and didn't want to have to pay for them. The teacher pointed out that old people, disabled people, etc. are on the program because they can't work for their own money and the class didn't care because THEY were paying for it.

Are you fucking kidding me?! If social security got cancelled I'd literally die or become some homeless bum on the streets! And these kids have the fucking AUDACITY to call me and my family a leech!! We can't support ourselves, it's just physically not possible! I can't believe there's people out there who don't wanna be inconvenienced to take some money from their paycheck to help those who don't have any money when they have plenty more money! If they were struggling to keep food in their stomachs I'd be much more sympathetic, but these people are the same people who complain they don't have the newest iPhone that came out last week or they don't have new shoes for the school year.

I remember I overheard these girls complaining that their mom didn't buy them new shoes. They complained they'd had their shoes for about a year and they were bored of them and wanted new ones but their mom wouldn't let them. Seriously?! If I got a new pair of shoes every year because I got bored of mine I'd stop having food in my house! A few months later this same girl complains that she spent 50$ on Valentine's Day gifts but her boyfriend broke up with her right before Valentine's Day so she didn't have anyone to give her gifts to. Then she said she didn't know if they'd get back together or something before Valentine's Day so she didn't wanna get rid of it just in case.

First of all, YOU CAN SPEND 50 FUCKING DOLLARS ON VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS?! The most I can do for Valentine's Day is some shitty home-made gift that I hope they like because I couldn't buy them a nice box of chocolates or a stuffed bear. Second of all, if your boyfriend breaks up with you right before Valentine's Day he's an asshole. Don't try to get back together with him. I bet that relationship was probably built on gold digging and money anyways because I know that girl is VERY upper middle class, practically a rich kid who very much has rich kid syndrome. Her personality is so repulsive I'm surprised she even got a boyfriend in the first place, though I bet he's just as disgusting and rich.

Fun fact, when I was a little kid I actually used to be rich. We lived in a big house and my brother, sister, and I all had our own bedrooms. That house was the only time that happened {my sister and I have always since shared a room and at one point my brother, sister, and I ALL had to share a room}. Anyways, my dad bought all sorts of food and toys for us and we could even do fun stuff like going to the fair. I remember in my room I even had a giant Thomas the train TABLE. Yeah, I had this huge fucking table specifically made for setting up a Thomas the train set. There were a bunch of wooden tracks that you could arrange however you wanted and little trees and mountains and stuff, and I had several trains. I remember I used to love that thing and play with it for hours. Later when we became less financially fortunate and had to move into a small apartment we had to sell it for space reasons and because we needed the money.

Even when we moved into the first apartment, we were still kinda well off. It was a step down from the large house but because we didn't have to pay as much for the apartment the loss of money kinda cancelled itself out and we pretty much lived about the same. We still got lots of food and toys and we still got to do fun stuff like taking vacations.

Eventually we lost all our financial status and went from rich to poor in a couple of years. Since I was so little when we were rich my dad worried about me becoming a rich, snobby brat so he taught me to be very kind so I actually didn't go through any rich kid syndromes because I was just too innocent for that. Actually, if I was mad the worst that could happen to you was a small grunt of disapproval and that meant I was fucking pissed. But obviously my anger's a lot worse now though that's because of my mom, who's irrelevant right now {if you're wondering why she hasn't been mentioned it's because she divorced my dad when I was maybe 2 and they lived separately, and I didn't see her again till I was 5 or 6 but like I said it's irrelevant}.

Anyways, I do know what it's like to be able to afford things. Maybe I don't remember very well and maybe I was raised to almost be oblivious to our huge financial success as a little kid, but I obviously still experienced it. You can't just buy lots of expensive toys for your kid and expect them to not notice the toys or something. They're gonna experience being rich, whether or not they know they're rich.

You know how it feels to be able to afford things and get what you want? It's amazing. I remember so many times when I got a new toy I'd thank my dad and I'd smile and giggle or whatever and start playing with it like it was my new best friend for life. Whenever I woke up in the morning I got to choose what I wanted for breakfast and I got to choose my lunch and dinner. I wasn't limited to what was in the house because we had practically anything I wanted right there. We had snacks and candy too, and lots of it.

I remember one of my favorite 'games' to play as a little kid was chocolate milk stand, mainly because I got chocolate milk. Basically someone, usually my dad, my brother if my dad made him, or my sister would pretend they were owning an espresso stand {my dad used to go to this one espresso stand and get us chocolate milk all the time so we'd roleplay that out at home}. They'd ask what I wanted and I'd ask for chocolate milk with whipped cream and sprinkles. They'd make it, if they wanted to made some for themselves too, and then they'd give me my glass with a fun plastic straw in it too.

I don't like chocolate anymore but even if I did we can't afford chocolate milk anymore. We can't afford whipped cream or sprinkles, either. We don't have any plastic straws because that's unnecessary and expensive, and we don't even have the same glasses anymore. It's pretty sad that most of the happy moments of my childhood have been erased because we had to sell it for money. Toys I cherished? We need money. My bedsheets and blankets? They're merch and we need money. My clothes? They're too small, in good condition, some merch and we need money. TV? Collectible, and we need money. It was all gone just like that. I got cheaply made, off-brand replacements for all my stuff like it was supposed to be okay that way.

Even though I wasn't snobby about it, I was still spoiled as a little kid. That hurt me a lot. Suddenly when I wanted a toy I was told we can't afford it or if I wanted some salmon we couldn't afford that either. I hated being told no for everything and I didn't understand why at the time. Who cared about money? What the hell even was money? I barely knew what the hell money was because I was just so used to having everything without hardly lifting a finger. Suddenly I have to learn money doesn't come from trees and we also now don't have a lot of it. When I understood why I was being told no I calmed down a lot because ever since I was little I've just always hated not knowing the answer to a question or problem to the point I lose sleep over it.

Ever since then we've just been living scarcer and scarcer. It almost feels like someone's playing with us and giving us less and less money while prices for shit goes up and up as the economy inflates to see how long it takes before we die due to not being able to afford things. I understand social security money is running out and it needs to be carefully rationed out, but we still need to sustain ourselves! The point of social security is to make sure those who can't work can still afford to live. We barely get by and the only reason we do is because we don't have any debts like a mortgage or car payment and we get reduced taxes. If even one of those things wasn't true, we'd die trying to live like this.

In America, it's VERY common for households to have monthly mortgage payments, monthly car payments, monthly bills, and taxes that they can pay a number of different ways {annually, bi-annualy, etc.}. If you pay taxes less often you'll actually have to pay less overall but it's a much larger upfront payment. Mortages are usually 30 years, car payments I'm not sure about, and bills and taxes are just forever.

Most households also can no longer sustain themselves with just one parent working because it wouldn't be possible, they'd die not being able to afford things. Usually both parents have to work full time jobs just to be able to sustain themselves unless somebody's got some really good job like being the CEO of some huge company or something and they're making millions.

Both parents have to work full time? Seriously? That's sad. My teachers get REALLY good salaries because the school district is extremely rich and even their significant others still have to work. My therapist gets good money and her husband still has to work too. I have lots of friends who tell me both of their parents work and they're living a normal middle class life. I don't even know if they're fully aware about what would happen if one of their parents suddenly lost their job. In simple terms, they would die {or have to move into a shitty neighborhood, start working themselves and start struggling to keep their shithole of a house and whatever food they can scrounge up}.

The cherry on top? The government just keeps increasing minimum wage like that'll do something. Once labor costs go up, companies raise their prices to help pay for it. Money becomes even more worthless, the economy just got more inflated, and the effects of raising minimum wage just got nullified. If anything, that makes things worse. Current adults were able to have a minimum wage job and still afford a house while they were in college or whatever. People who work minimum wage nowadays can't afford to live by themselves.

And usually, minimum wage workers are the people who work the hardest. They're flipping burgers and cooking them as fast as they can while an angry manager screams at them to move faster, there's customers waiting! The customers start complaining they want their food now, where's the food? The poor minimum wage worker is going as fast as they can but they're just a minimum wage worker, who cares about them?

They're cleaning bathrooms and entire buildings. They're told to do a better job because they missed a single speck of dust among the giant building and told to work faster, why can't they clean this place up even faster? They try to get everything up to everyone's impossible cleanliness standards in an impossible time, but they can't. But who cares about the minimum wage worker?

There's even more people, that's just two examples. They're at the bottom of the chain and all the annoying labor gets left to them while their work is constantly nitpicked and judged by their superiors and they're expected to keep quiet and accept it because they're just a minimum wage worker. And at the end of the day, they're not even allowed to have a house of their own to go home to?

There needs to be a change in the economy of today, and a big one. Everyone should be allowed to have a house of their own even if they're "only flipping burgers." Everyone should be able to sustain themselves no matter what their job is.

It's funny how many girls at my school just wanna be a housewife. They think it's easier to just stay at home and they think they'll be able to get through life just on their looks. For one it's not easier to stay at home and care over an entire house and kids, and second of all that's not possible in today's economy. I wonder how well things are gonna go for them when they find out they can't be a housewife like they wanted to, or any guys that will let them and can actually afford it are scumbags who just want to fuck some hot girls. If there's any marriage that happens I doubt it'll last long, probably until he wants to fuck a new girl or she gets ugly from age or something.

Sometimes I'm glad both parents have to work so girls like that can't just be gold diggers and they actually have to know what it's like to work, but I know logically speaking that's stupid. Why do two people have to work to make a comfortable existence? Why can't someone stay home to help raise the kids and really be with them a lot? It's isolating parents from their kids and making this generation of teens less acquainted with their parents and more estranged to them. And I'm aware that nurture plays a huge role in mental health, so I'm sure that has something to do with the rise of mental issues.

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