"Time flies by, it always does,"

If you ask Aaina whether you can live without parental love?

She will always smile and say yes, you can.

If you ask her whether you can live without the friendship kind of love?

She will again smirk and say yes, you can.

If you ask her whether you can live without true love kinda love? The love poets depict and ballads sing about?

She will again laugh and say yes, you can.

If you ask her if you can live with only one form of love in life?

She'll say yes, off course.

If you ask her won't you miss the other kind of love? Will just one kind of love be enough for a lifetime?

She'll just smile. Smile a knowing sad smile.

And ask you, if your little finger is cut off from your body and the middle finger is attached to your body in its place. How will you feel? Yes, in theory, you have all the five fingers. But do you really have all the five fingers? Can middle finger ever really replace the little finger or thumb?

Similarly, take your toes for example if all your toes are replaced with the big toe. If you don't have the long, middle, ring, and little pinky toe. If you, just have the big toe in their place. In theory, you still have all the five toes but is it still the same to you?

The little toe, the little finger, the little things may seem unimportant but they aren't. You just don't know their value until you lose them. Similarly, for love-parental love, familial love, sibling love, friends love kind of may look insignificant before the one true love. But isn't. Every love's absence leaves a harrowing blank in your soul.

If it wasn't so, People wouldn't have been complaining I don't have any friends. I don't have parents and so on. People say " Your true love will scold you like your dad, care like your mother, tease like friends, and love you more than anything."

But is it, really like that?

Do your other relation lose their value in front of one true love? Don't your mother name still unknowingly slips out of your mouth when you're in extreme pain? Don't you yell "Ma", "amma", "Aai", or it's your lover name that comes to your lips when you're in extreme agony? Don't you feel any emotion at your parents funeral? or is it like "I don't need you, I've my true love beside me. You live or die, it doesn't affect me anymore." Don't you wake up in the middle of the night and sob your heart out thinking "I could've done something more. I could've tried a little more. I should've done something more."

How do you deal with the guilt and regret then?

How do you deal with your own child looking at you like you're an insignificant part of their life?

How do you deal with the fear that one day you'll be replaced? One day, everything you did will cease mattering. One day, all the stories, all the lullabies will become absurd things. One day, you won't be their top priority. One day, you'll just fade out of their life. She doesn't know what kind of crisis goes through them at that moment? She doesn't know what a parent's thought process is like? For she isn't a parent.

But she knows, she missed the parental love in her life more direly then she'll ever admit. She didn't realize it until her heart fluttered with warmth and emotions when her bapi transferred more than half of his rasmalai in her plate with a wink knowing rasmalai is her favorite.

It finally reminded her why she felt bitter when Saumya Ma always cooked Viaan's favorite dishes on his B'day. The bitter feeling that rises somewhere in the depth of her heart watching Saumya Ma plate the best or larger piece for Viaan and Karan bhaiya. It wasn't like she was plated with a small amount of food or not good food but sometimes when their favorites clashed. Unknowingly, Saumya Ma always thought about her children first. It wasn't Saumya Ma's mistake that she didn't know her fav food. It wasn't any mother's mistake for all mother's will always love their children first. And she really need to not think bitterly when thinking about the dead. Saumya Ma has done a lot for her. She needs to let the good things wash over her, not the bad feelings and grudges.

But it wasn't until that moment that she realized. Parents ( by this she didn't mean the male and female that birthed you, for it takes more than that to be a parent) sacrificed a lot for their children. Even their favorite food. For she knows her Bapi loved Rasmalayi as much as she does. And the warmth and smile that one action brought on her face was infectious. It reminded her of the days they spent in Dehradun, Dalhousie, Shimla, and all the hill stations around her school in the holidays. The days where it will be like this and she'll eat her favorite thing out of his plate and leave the rest for him to eat.

Like She'll eat all the paneer out of any paneer dish and leave the gravy for her father. Similarly, she'll eat the Manchurian balls and leave the gravy or anything else for her parents. He'll complain a little but eat it anyway grumbling, calling her a "little thief".

She didn't know how special those things were until she was exiled away from them. She didn't know how those little things mattered. For it was love too. For no one else will let her pick those things off their plate and let her get away with it.

She didn't realize how much she missed Gauri Ma oiling her hair until she did. Sitting on the floor, as Gauri Ma oiled her hair while scolding her for not taking proper care of her hairs. How could she tell her that she hated oiling her hair herself? It was little things all over again. Wasn't it, the little things that mattered.

At last, her only excuse was "Viaan didn't know how to properly oil her hair".

Gauri Ma quite didn't believe her but she continued messaging her hair and she missed it the most. Her mother's finger definitely has magic. It felt relaxing and also gave her all the empty birth to think about the world. She felt like she could conquer the whole world if left like this. She didn't have to worry about anything else and she could think, think everything thoroughly.

And it was that moment, the moment when her Ma asked: " Are you really happy with all this, Shivu?"

How much she missed it all, for unlike other's Gauri Ma didn't ask her whether Viaan loved her or she loved him? She has already declared she loved him when she introduced him to them on the train. Gauri didn't ask about love? For she knows, you can love someone with all your heart and still be unhappy with them.   And even Aaina knows that you can love someone with all your heart and be utterly miserable with them.

She has been there, done that, and even had a broken heart as a memento.

Gauri Ma asked about her happiness. Her happiness everyone and sometimes she herself overlooked. Didn't she say yes to the whole engagement mess in the first place because of love? Love for Saumya Ma, Love for Viaan and whatever they had done for her. For the first time in her whole life Saumya Ma had asked her something and she just couldn't say no. Viaan didn't love her. She doesn't know if he ever will be? But still she had said yes and Didn't they know there must be chances of her heart shattering and her happiness evaporating?

No one has asked her in a very long time whether she was happy or not? Her last years were spent around counselling and helping the boys be themselves again. She kinda had stopped being herself a long-long time ago. she didn't know whether she is really happy or not? So, it took her a little time to answer that question. 

"Yeah, I'm happy," She had told Gauri Ma with a beaming smile. She was, She really was in an odd sort of way. Where you can be yourself at home and people accept you for it. But you wear facades outside yet be totally comfortable in all the different skin. 

And the smile Gauri Ma sent her way, it was like everything will be fine. And it was that moment, moment she realized what she was missing in the past years. It felt like a missing part of her had returned. All these feelings, all these emotions on high had lead her to here. Sitting on the bank of the river Ganga in the company of stars and moon reflecting in the flowing beautiful river. River which is also called mother by many people.

But right now, it wasn't acting very motherly to her. It's waves, dark color, and strength scaring her a little. It's current strong enough to drag humans, trees, animals alike with it. Ganga is strong, beautiful, mischievous, loving, nourishing, life-giving but when angry, no one can destruct things as fiercely as this beautiful life-giving mother of many.

And right now, this mother is acting as her best friend. It's ice-cold water kissing and caressing her feet. Keeping her grounded to this reality as she really, really thought about her future. Made her think about what she really wants to do with everything, she has been bestowed with. She thought about the train journey and her friends.

She thought about how easily she read the emotion of anger on Viaan's face when she introduced him to her bapi and Ma. She knew Viaan didn't quite like her father. He didn't have a very good image of her father in his mind. But the boys were still very well-behaved around her parents. Ishana chachi took everything in a stride like always. Happy as she spoke to bapi "finally, we will be relatives then" chuckling.

She wish, She had that unfazed attitude of Ishana. Ishana was always her idol. The undefeatable law queen in the courtroom to the most valuable member of the party, without even being actually a part of the party. A pro in politics, a person trusted with the defense details of the nation, and Aaina wants to be someone like her. Someone who is still an enigma to many.

She wants to be someone like her. Someone who can never be forgotten. Someone who is valuable and important because of her stand. Someone who is valued because of her brains and wits. Someone whose presence and absence will matter. Someone who is known for more than being just someone's lover, wife, or daughter.

Someone like Durga Bhabi. A revolutionary, a spy, and most importantly a true Indian and patriot. She wants to be someone, who has a word of her own. A person who is her own before the world.  A person whom the world can't just suffice as "Viaan Kundra's wife" Or " Shivaaye Singh Oberoi's daughter"

Most importantly she doesn't want to be like her mother. Who is Anika without Shivaaye? Does she have her own identity? She is just Shivaaye Singh Oberoi's wife and lover nothing else. The world can't ever see her apart from her "Oh! dear love Shivaaye." And she doesn't want her world to end up like that. She wants to be something more. 

Some people may say "aren't you quite late to think about this? You're getting married and after marriage, your identity can't be different from your husband." To all those people, she wants to say "Durga was just 10 when she got married and she totally has an identity different from her husband. So, why can't I get it? Living in this so-called feminist world?"

She just has to figure out which way he wants to go? Should she take up the offer of dadu and take the position of the chairmen of security and re-establishment of trafficking victims?

OR 

Maybe she should just work harder to become a female Chief justice of India or first female chief justice if Ishana Chachi didn't take the position.

She was pondering all this when she heard the heavy footfalls behind her. Turning back, she found Ansh standing behind her looking shocked. His hairs looking all messed up. His eyes wide and glassy.

"Couldn't sleep?" She questioned or stated she didn't know as she looked at the seemingly young and not so arrogant and undefeatable looking superstar.

"Na, shouldn't be it opposite. We had traveled a lot to reach here. So, shouldn't we be tired or something like that?" Ansh questioned her as he sat beside her looking at the magnificent river.

"Well, you didn't do anything on the train worth getting tired. I mean playing Antrakshi can't be counted as a tedious thing." Aaina snorted watching the scowl forming on his face.

Yeah, after Viaan found her with bapi and ma. And the introduction part was over and done with Ansh sulking a little bit. Ansh hated Oberoi's quite a lot and she can't blame him for the hatred. Even dadu hated the Oberoi name. She was an exception. For she is an exiled princess, the disposed of crown princess.

"Well, after that I also carried Panchi and my bags," Ansh reminded her scowling.

"Poor Anshu, Should have loaded you with more bags. It would have been perfect practice for your role of a coolie," Aaina couldn't help but tease him a little more. She doesn't know what is it but them having a sane, sarcasm less conversation seemed impossible.

"Not funny at all, Aaina" scowl

Ansh calling her Aaina seemed serious. He had called her Aaina just once and that's also when they met for the first time. After it was their famous clashes and nicknames. From her turning his hair a vivid mixture of pink and purple to him cutting her hair. It was just prank wars and never serious conversations.

But sitting here beside the freely flowing river. Riverbank of their hotel. They couldn't help but deal with the darkness growing inside them. The darkness veiled by their smiles, pranks, and fights.

"Does the darkness ever go away?" It was a question thrown unexpectedly and out of nowhere, Aaina wasn't prepared for this question. Watching Ansh's stormy eyes and denamour. She was aware, whatever was tormenting him is quite not a fairy tale material. But she never expected him to talk to her about it.

"No, it doesn't," Aaina admitted. The darkness just grows inside stronger, threatening to wipe away everything else. Sometimes, it's just really hard controlling that sinister voice telling her to "destroy someone".

"Don't you miss them?"

"I'll be lying if I say I don't, I do," Aaina said truthfully noticing Ansh's blank look and subconscious play with his fingers.

There was complete silence from Ansh's side after that and Aaina waited for him to speak. Probing him will do no one any good. So, she stayed there waiting and appreciating the silent company. Tomorrow there will be a havan. Tomorrow, Viaan and her marriage date will be decided. Tomorrow there will be a new dawn or maybe dusk of her life who knows?

But today, it's only her. Uncaring of the past and future. Enjoying the moment.

Tomorrow it'll be another change. Today, she can be herself.

"I know it's stupid. I may sound highly ungrateful but I do, I really want to fill in the blanks. The blanks in my memory. I want to know who I was and why I was left there to die? I want to know who my real parents are? It's not like I don't love mom-dad, I do. I love them more than myself but I want to know, I need to know. I can't just let it rest. No, matter what the world says...."

"You need a closure," Aaina completed his statement knowing well how it feels. She wants closure too. She wants to ask her mother "Why?" and rest everything. She wants to bury those feelings so that something new can grow. But she won't get it.

She is sure. She will even get married without their presence. It's sad but true.

"Yeah," Ansh admitted

"Don't worry. You'll get one. I'll help you and it's not stupid. It's quite understandable. No one likes to live with blanks and gaps," Aaina reassured him.

"Thank you," Ansh mumbled

And Aaina acted she didn't hear him as she smiled at the river.

"Mano toh ganga maiya na mano toh behta paani, that line is quite addictive, isn't it. Gets stuck in your head and never leaves," She asked him trying to change the topic. Lingering on dark thoughts just let the darkness rise more.

"Well, all the shop playing the same song doesn't help the condition too," Ansh spoke with a small smile.

Remembering their late in evening stroll around the area. The trip will officially start from tomorrow for their parents were tired. But they had taken a little liberty and explored around looking like hippies.

Aaina snorted "You still owe me Rabri and Rabri falooda,"

"I just ate like what two bites from you" Ansh defended his actions

"Yeah, two bites finished half of it?" Aaina questioned him back incredulously with an arched eyebrow.

Ansh just huffed in defeat.

They sat beside each other watching the freely-flowing river. Hoping, their life could flow like the river again. The flowing river and silence leaving them with their own self-introspection. Totally unaware of the fact that the closure they were searching for so long lied with each other.

~to be continued~