Wielders: Guardians of the Realm
Author: ChloeShepherd810
Genre: Fantasy
Review is based on the first 5 chapters.
We were asked to focus on the scenes, mechanics and writing style.
Review might contain spoilers (Sorry!)
One of the things I found interesting about the beginning of the story was that in the first chapter the MC monologued like he was a legendary hero. It made for a strange and hilarious opening to the story and introduction to Sora.
Sora is an interesting guy in the first part of the chapter. As I mentioned before his monologue makes him sound full of himself sort of makes sense with his ego being inflated as a Wielder of the Sword of Light. I have an approach I take when analyzing male characters which is understanding how their ego works or what their ideal man is and how they stack up against it. For example, Sora's frustration in not being able to properly protect Kai tells me that his ideal man is someone who is powerful and capable, a knight in shining armor per say. For a majority of the first few chapters, Sora is extremely playful even in times of danger which feels a little unrealistic to me seeing as how his fiancee was taken and he was in the castle of the antagonist. Yes, being light-hearted is part of his established personality, but in that scene, it felt sort of inappropriate.
Ellery, on the other hand, was far more fascinating than Sora, but there was a moment that her character didn't feel believable. In chapter two, she's mesmerized by Sora's eyes because of his purity. I wanted to understand why, but the only indication given was that she was full of darkness and he was full of light. That isn't reason enough for me. Ellery goes on to say that she would use him for revenge, but I feel like that reason didn't have precedence over the "love-at-first-sight" mentality. One of the best things about her early characterization was how her character was very clearly on the brink of darkness, her sister being the only thing keeping her from fully turning. I love the edge that gives her character and the purpose it created for her when her sister has been turned. I feel like because of her anger and frustration, it was easier to connect with her than Sora.
The biggest issue with the characterization in this book was the fact that the characters felt like rip-offs of the characters from the Kingdom Hearts series. Starting with the main character who is named Sora just like the main character of the KH series. Both wield a very special weapon that dictates their destinies and both are romantically close to girls with roughly the same name, Kai in this book, but Kairi in Kingdom Hearts. Even the anti-hero, Ellery, had echoes of Riku, a character in the KH series who often walked the thin line between darkness and light.
The story was quite interesting in the beginning with the death of a minor character and the maiming of several others, but it soon began to mirror the plot of Kingdom Hearts. For example, in chapter one:
"The problem was they [Soulless] were spilling over into the light realm, with new attacks everyday."
For those not familiar with the Kingdom Hearts series, there are shadow monsters called the Heartless that spill over into the world of light from the world of darkness and that is actually central to the plot of Kingdom Hearts. The story goes on to mention that Malena requires "...seven souls..." and plans to drain them of their powers. This also another Kingdom Hearts reference as in KH there are seven Princesses of Hearts who must be sacrificed in order to attain a higher power.
The only point of differentiation came when Ellery literally took the reins of the plot and decided to enact her plan of vengeance, but even then the plot didn't feel as solid. One of the most confusing things was Malena's reasoning for corrupting Ellery's sister. I feel like it was plot armor used to drive Ellery towards Sora. To me, Malena had much more control over Ellery if Ophelia was left uncorrupted since she would do anything to keep her sister that way.
I like that characterization was taken one step further in the characters' dialogues. As I mentioned before, Sora had one of the most memorable introductions I've ever read.
There can be a point of too much sassy and sarcastic dialogue. Showing personality is important, but so is moving the plot. Be careful to not be so caught up in writing sassy remarks that the story becomes second to the witty banter. Another thing I found odd was the usage of the word "pleb". I get that Ellery is sassy, angry, and degrading towards Don and Sora, but that word felt somewhat out of place.
Advice: The best way to check if your dialogue along with characterization is flawless is to try reading conversations between two or more characters without dialogue tags. If you're able to differentiate who's talking because each has unique speech patterns, vocabulary, etc, then your dialogue is good.
The opening scene played out like an anime, to me at least. The way Sora monologued, the way Pekipsy strangled Don in the background, and the way Sora just materializes his blade at will, much to the amazement of Howell. It's a fun way to open up the story and perfectly introduces that humorous vibe which is prevalent throughout the story.
Generally speaking, I like the way a lot of the scenes connected. The flow from cause to effect, such as Ophelia turning into a soulless making Ellery swear vengeance, is fluid and easy to follow albeit strange. I didn't have any issues keeping up with the events, so nice job on that front!
That said, there are two specific things I didn't really like. For example in chapter 3:
"I didn't.... mean it like that. I need your help." Her words were tight as if she never asked for help before.
The ellipses makes her stutter or hesitation obvious, but it's the descriptive after that ruins the scene. Show not tell is a tried and true advice because it allows us to understand the character in our own way. My advice would be: instead of laying out the emotion or mentality, show it to us by, for example, describing the way not only were her words tight, but her eyes dodged theirs or how her delivery of the request was fragmented and her voice was low, as if she was ashamed. When done this way, you can actually add some more depth and persona to Ellery as well as seamlessly narrate her struggles with something as simple as asking for help.
The other noticeable issue is the detailing, which kind of relates to the point I made previously. In chapter 3, Sora and Ellery get into a fight after she cuts him loose. The action begins like this:
In a mess of limbs, I waited a split second for my blade to answer my call.
Needless to say, I was very curious what "a mess of limbs" would look like. I understand that they got into some fisticuffs, but I wanted to know who was winning, who punched who, did she kick him in the family jewels, etc.
I feel that it's better to be overly descriptive than vague as you could theoretically edit out excessive parts. It's all about the classic "show, don't tell".
The setting is there but not there. What I mean is that there are descriptives, but it's also unclear where we are. In the first three chapters, the characters move from place to place to place. We start out in an office then walk through a portal to a castle before getting kidnapped into another castle. The movement is clear, but the setting around the characters isn't fully laid out. Characterization and dialogue are good things to prioritize, but because this is a fantasy story the setting has to be fleshed out for the reader to understand the world.
Advice: World-building is one of the strongest identifiers of a good fantasy book and I feel like 3-4 sentences of deeper descriptives on the world around, aside from showing the characters' movement between each setting, would really solidify it. A really good example of this was the opening paragraph of chapter 4. That kind of imagery should be present in the first two chapters.
The book has the usual themes of good vs. evil and romance. It's consistency is made clear by the contrasting of the two main characters, Sora and Ellery. I don't think I've read enough to really understand or see the message the author is trying to convey.
From my understanding, the story is written in past tense, though there are small lapses of the tense going to present. For example in chapter 4:
"If you aren't going to say anything nice, lightmage," the term spit out by her like a venomous insult.
For consistency, it should be 'spat' not 'spit.
Don is always a dick to everyone, and I can't have them killing each other over his bluntness.
It should be 'was' not 'is'.
There were also some slight issues with punctuation and capitalization For example:
"I'm not a corrupted being," She extinguished the shadow flames and approached us...
The comma should be replaced by a period as the following dialogue tag doesn't convey sound. There are several instances in every chapter that the dialogue tags are incorrectly capitalised or lower-cased.
Another thing to mention is that some details felt repeated. For example in chapter 4, Sora states that "Don was quick to rat me out to the greatest light mage of all time". I think that the "greatest light mage of all time" felt a little redundant considering Sora mentions in the previous paragraph that Merlin was a powerful light mage.
Speaking of repetition, there are times when certain words are used twice in the same sentence. These are small errors and can be smoothed out with thorough editing so I won't mention those here.
As for language, I will say that the author's diction isn't overly simplistic that the story reads as bland and boring, and neither is it so flowery that it feels overbearing. I will say that there are some moments that the words chosen are either incorrect or don't seem to flow with the story's style such as "stoney faced" and "pleb".
The author has a wonderful writing style which is made evident by the way she interlaces emotion and action easily. For example in chapter 4:
Don stayed hung up like an ornament on the wall, eyes echoing the same fury as Ellery's at her blatant disrespect.
Only the strongest light mages could harness their powers through amulets so that meant that this man was extremely powerful and old as dirt.
The author's voice is very sarcastic. It's quite entertaining and suits the comedic vibe of some scenes, though they can get overwhelming at times that the banter takes precedence over the movement of plot.
My only issue with the author's writing style is the constant telling, not showing. You have such a good control over the flow of words, why not use that skill in your descriptions of something as simple as displaying Ellery's annoyance. For example in chapter 4:
"Ellery slowly turned to face the Guardian who noe was in her personal bubble, you could just tell this girl had personal space issues.
Instead of telling me she has space issues, show it. Show me her narrowed, hard eyes or her squeezed jaw. Something to show me that she's actually annoyed.
I feel that the info-dumping falls into the category of telling not showing. A lot of Sora's inner dialogue or narration is him info dumping.
The POV shifts between Sora and Ellery, but I think that between the two of them, Ellery's was better written due to her character feeling more solid than Sora's. With Ellery, I understand the stakes of her journey, but with Sora, I only see a young Wielder who's more concerned with cracking jokes. It's not that he doesn't have a sense of purpose every time we switch to his POV, it's the fact that his stakes aren't reiterated as often as Ellery's during her POV.
Merlin's eyes scanned Don for any sort of injury other than his pride and came to the same conclusion.
The sentence above felt strange since the story was written in first POV. I don't understand how Sora could've possibly known that Merlin came to the same conclusion about Ellery. The first person POV should be respected which means narrator's need to show the reader how they got to a certain conclusion or thought. From my understanding, Merlin didn't nod or show any sign of agreement which is why it's strange that Sora would notice that he agreed to his logic.
Moving onto Ellery's POV, I think that these were the moments in the story I really enjoyed. Her overwhelming anger and resentment towards Malena and the light heroes are the only things I was truly convinced of in this story. I cannot sing her praises enough. The way her past comes up through her inner dialogue and narration makes her POV far more interesting to read than Sora's.
That said, certain things written in her POV were not without their faults. Like Sora, at certain times it feels like she's a spectator in her own POV. She narrates the story and the scene happening before her but not once gives her thoughts and reactions to it, which are both crucial in the first person POV. For example in chapter 5, Merlin gives a bit of a history lesson on Hephaistos via the glowing blue amulet that projects images. As he narrates this, Ellery's 'voice' disappears and by that I mean she's only describing the things she sees. To respect the first person POV, we need to know how she feels throughout the history lesson. Is she in awe, nervous, or bored? Does she have an opinion on it or is everything new to her?
Advice: Remember that first POV isn't just using the word "I", it's also being able to describe your character's actions, thoughts, and feelings in the moment. What makes first POV special, especially with alternating characters, is that the reader can get a feel for how each one reacts to certain events. Ellery and Sora would react very differently to the things happening around them and that needs to be shown while the story is in their perspective.
One of the strongest points in the writing of the story is the visibility of the characters' emotions, particularly Ellery. Her fury is stronger than Sora's due to the 'loss' of her sister and, to me anyways, one of the strongest motivators for the adventure that takes place in the story. Her grief and anger made me want to follow her journey, not Sora's.
True to its genre, the book has elements of magic and adventure. Can't say much more other than it represents its genre quite well with its themes of light vs. dark, good vs. evil, as well as the 'chosen one' plot.
That said, I feel that this book is better off as a Kingdom Hearts fanfic set in an AU, alternate universe. There are way too many KH references for this to not be considered a fan fiction.
I feel like I could've liked this story more, but it reminded me too much of the Kingdom Hearts series. I think there's a difference between being inspired by the KH series and copying it. This story felt like it was leaning more towards the latter. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't unsee the KH references, which I feel like ruined my reading experience because I was looking forward to a unique fantasy story. By the end of chapter 5, I already had an idea for how the story would go because I'd played the entire Kingdom Hearts series.
Originality aside, there are quite a bit of strong points to the story such as the author's writing style. The author has a lot of potential but the unoriginal storyline and 'love at first sight' trope does them or this story no justice.
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