Author: lekro01

Genre: Fantasy

Review is based on first seven chapters. 

Characters are believable and writer knows them well. Characterization is at its finest when they interact with each other as it can be seen right from the start in the opening scene between Bathe, 8-year-old protagonist, and Berathelmus. Knowing how hard is to write children when we are past that age, I think that the writer did a great job in portraying gifted and smart kid. Similarly, Berathelmus is supposed to be the wisest person in the story which is evident with every line he says. Writer doesn't rely on other characters to tell a reader that he is wise.

On the other hand, there are some problematic parts. Characters don't interact with their environment and often seem like they are having conversations in timeless and spaceless bubbles. Gesticulation, physical appearance, inner thoughts and emotions are almost non-existent and when they are mentioned it's mostly in passing without enough writer's attention to it. Example from the second chapter when the focus is on Thorin: "It was an odd job which he didn't like. It was against his all beliefs and eyes through which he saw the world." It was never addressed what are those beliefs, which is a shame as this sentence is a good set up for characterization.

One minor problem is also with introducing characters. I found that timing is good but introduction of their names is clunky. First apparent one is at the beginning where the flow of the chapter is interrupted with the sentence that's sole purpose is naming characters whose dialogue we were reading until that point. In that case, names should've been introduced either through dialogue or dialogue tags as that way it would appear more natural. 

Plot is straightforward and common enough to be easily followed without slipping into the cliche. Through the first seven chapters it progresses with a steady pace. Each chapter acts as a plot point and pushes interest to read further.

Writer holds strong command of the plot and consequently story reads as it has a clear goal.

I'll dare to say that the story is supposed the be of epic proportions similar to those of Lord of the Rings. It fails at that for a simple reason of omitting too much information. Purposefully omitting information is common plot device but like everything when it comes to writing, it should be balanced with how much information is given.

Example: omitting the role of Berathelmus doesn't enhance the story or feeds the mystery. It mostly just brings confusion to certain plot points and takes away the gravity from the scene of collapsed Bathe.

Same can be said for many points of worldbuilding. Story has to be anchored to the world it takes place in. Because if it isn't, plot suffers as insufficient information piles up. Readers don't hold onto every loose end while reading and when certain information is introduced later the moment in which the reader can connect it to something organic is gone.

Another example which I find very important to the plot but left me without any details is in Chapter 2 when we "learn" about Bathe's power. Neither his aura is explained nor whether there is a magic system within the world. It is hinted with the mention of High Priestess but that puts all the responsibility on the reader to make a connection. (Lack of description is connected to this and it is covered later in the review.)

For the most part dialogue is well done and enjoyable. Writer managed to create enough differences between the way characters speak that reader knows who is speaking even without tags.

It seems as dialogue is the writer's strength as he relies on it sometimes a bit too much (more evident in the first few chapters).

Scenes are in logical sequence and comply to cause and effect. They are chosen well and contribute well to advancing the plot and building the characters.

Writer does it with a lot of confidence and rightfully so. He has a great feeling for the story. Every chapter has a maximum of two scenes which makes them easy to follow. Chapters are well rounded and , if cut in the middle scene, it's done with good reason. All the scene breaks are well timed.

The problem that occurs sometimes are transitions. Not as much from scene to scene but within one scene.

Most notable example is the second chapter where Thorin is thinking about his father, mother and wife. His thought process might be similar to how people generally think but in fiction is becomes harder to follow. His thoughts don't follow the linear pattern but jump from on point of his life to another and then back to the first one. Reader has to slow down the reading to piece the timeline of information delivered. It's not a huge mistake (or even a mistake) but details like that disrupt the natural flow of the scenes. 

This is probably the most problematic part of the whole story. Although there are hints (plants, animals etc.) that writer spent a lot of time on building a unique world most of it doesn't translate to the story.

Atmosphere is heavily rooted in the writing style.

LACK OF DESCRIPTION

Since the story takes place in a completely unknown world, descriptions are essential. Writer doesn't comply to that. Although, we become familiar with the names of places around said world, story is not anchored in it. Using words like village, hut, farm creates an illusion of description but essentially leaves a reader with vague images that depend exclusively on our own perception and , in a way, reading experience. Writer can't control reader's imagination but should guide it. Although, based on my personal preference, I like the affinity to less description instead of long detailed paragraphs.

Advice: With every change of setting, add a few sentences about characters' surroundings. Don't only rely on visual. The world will seem more real if there are other sensory stimulations.

LACK OF NORMATIVE - "Fear of Spoilers"

World of the story is an absolute mystery. Magic is hinted but not confirmed. There are some mentions of mortals which would imply existence of immortals, but it is never addressed. Readers don't have any idea of what are the rules of the world. Whether there are cities? What is political and social normative? Is there religion? It is not necessary to answer to all, or even any, of these questions but the fact that they formed in my head while reading is alarming. I wasn't supposed to feel as there are answers missing.

There is no information what is considered normal in the story's world so reader can't distinguish what is supposed to be an anomaly that pushes the story forward.

Reading comments I realize that most of the answers are "spoilers". So I'll take this part to address point of view of this story. Although it's a separate section it should be read as expanding on this issue. 

Writing with all-knowing narrator is very hard and there are few traps that come with it. "Spoilers" is one of them.

First person narration and 3rd person limited have natural scope of information they can deliver to the reader. The all-knowing narrator, on the other hand, has no limit to its knowledge and it is up to the writer to limit it.

It is easy to fall into that trap where every piece of information seems to have vital importance for the future plot. The writer of this story falls into this trap.

There is no reason why the narrator couldn't bring the story of the prophecy (if that is the case) as the main story would maintain its central mystery of 'what-happens-next'. Readers don't like to be the last ones to know since it has been shown that characters are well informed about the world around them.

Also, it takes away from the reader's emotional investment. When Bathe collapsed, the stakes of his death weren't explained and we don't know what is his importance to the story. Being a main character is not enough.

Sidenote on POV: When description says "strange" without the comparison to what, it seems as it is an opinion voiced by narrator. (easily fixed with establishing the normative)

Advice: Information delivery is a fine art and should be treated as such. Always assume you have intelligent readers that can't be easily fooled and will get insulted by artificial mysteries. 

English is not my first language so I'll limit myself to obvious mistakes.

Many comments point out strange choice of words (example: using queer instead of odd in description of Bathe)

Using but instead of and. Most of the time this doesn't apply so when it happens it distracts from the story.

Dialogue formatting. English has clear rules on writing dialogue and using quotation marks (""). But this might be the writer's personal visual preference and he is consistent throughout the story.

This might not belong here but it left me confused. Sometimes 'hedge' is written with capital letter and sometimes it's not. I couldn't understand if it's an actual name of the place or just a hedge.

Writing style is consistent but at times it seems like the writer, in search for the right words, makes odd choices. I don't know if English is a second language but in few instances it reads as the word is translated literally but doesn't hold the same scope of meaning in English.

Emotional moments are evident although they don't fully translate due to, already mentioned, lack of description and utilization of chosen point of view.

Worldbuilding in high fantasy is the most dominant genre-specific characteristic. Writer leaves an impression that the world is well thought-through and planned out. The most successful part is definitely characters' language and way of speech. Again, writer's hard work doesn't translate due to lack of description.

Writer has good ideas and well planned story with interesting characters, but it still needs a lot of work. In its current state, the story reads as half-written.

Biggest problems are lack of description and omitting too much information. 

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I'm available for further discussion, questions or advice. 

Sincerely, 

MoranaGlinka