I feel as if my passion is being drained from me. I attribute it mainly to not having the same amount of free time as I have had in previous years. But now I think I am ready to sit down and write. 

I also see my perspectives shifting. I crave deep, raw, developing plots that transform before my eyes. Relationships not simply based on coincidence, but faith and growth and understanding. I find myself scoffing at things I used to adore, seeing them now for how childish and simple these things may be. 

+ this is all really random but I have a lot to get off my chest. here is why.

a lot has been going on

I feel distant from people. Even my best friends. I feel like I am drifting farther from the people I know best and I don't like that at all. My heart wanders to poison waters and I tread over thinning ice. Yet I feel relaxed, my stress has disappeared and school is no longer a thing of constant dread. Just painful experiences and soul sucking. 

To be completely real with you here, I feel like an island. Surrounded by my own thoughts, my meager encounters to be the small meals I make of tiny fish passing by. I am used to a city of bustling life and people, but now it is as if I walk an abandoned road. It pains me greatly for it to be like this. 

i wish with everything within myself to make a connection again. i feel unattached, unimportant. i couldn't tell you how much i feel brushed aside by everyone. and i mean everyone. there is but one person who has sat down with me and looked me in the eye and let me speak my piece, and another who administered much-appreciated advice. two people whom i don't speak to as often as i wish i could. 

fake pity. pity. lack of empathy. not caring. brushing aside. 

this is what i feel people do. what i feel them say. 

i have sunk so low that i turn to previously poisonous relationships for help. 

people whose hearts i have broken, people who have broken my heart... they now give me light i feel is dimmed and forced by those it used to radiate from.

it is eleven now, and i am determined to finish an update of some sort for a book. my mind wanders into the lost feelings and i cry as i cling to the ones i feel slipping away.

my heart is breaking.

and i think the saddest thing is

no one did anything.

and that's exactly why..

i'm collapsing within. 

kelsey, 8/31/16 11:08PM