Trigger Warning: Abusive Past.

~~~

"So... Any plans for today?" I asked her while sipping my coffee.

She sighed, "not really. I think David is still out of town with his parents," she looked at her coffee and whirled the cup, "how do you feel after Thanksgiving?"

I shrugged, "I feel bad after leaving my dad. I mean, he's a grown-up and living alone. My cousin said after leaving him for college, he was emotionally unstable and got worse. I can only hope that he's doing okay. Oh, and FYI, he apologized."

"Have you forgiven him?" She asked.

"I'm still thinking about it," I sighed, "It's hard to forgive someone that has ruined you for years. I'm grateful to hear that he regret it, and not many kids obtained that from their abusive parents. But, still..."

Telling my whole story to Stephanie has never been a problem, even after separating from each other. She's still someone I cared for. She just sat on the bed, waiting for me to continue.

"It's hard to forgive him, and it must be harder to forgive my mom," I added.

"Your mom?"

I nod, "What if she suddenly came into my life after years?"

"Do you want to meet her?"

I shrugged and slumped down on my seat, "No. I don't want to meet her. But I do want to ask how she feels after leaving me."

Will that even happen if my mom back to my life? I would be surprised but also not happy at the same time if I finally met her after years. I have to admit, I don't need her anymore. I thought maybe if my mom was back, my dad would stop hitting me. But in the end, my dad did it by himself. Not because I moved for college, and he's not here hitting me. Because he realized what he had done was terrible. I wouldn't go back to Utah if he's still the old him.

What reason does she have to come back to my life finally? I can do this without her; I don't need her again. When I thought we needed her, we didn't.

The more I grew up, the more I realized that my mom was selfish for leaving her fourteen-year-old girl because she was her husband's favorite.

She nodded sadly, "I can't imagine what you looked like in middle school when your mom left you..."

"I was a fuck up. That's all I can say," I chuckled.

"No, you're not," Stephanie said, "not to mention your ten-year-old brother. He's too young to go through that."

"He's not ten anymore," I sighed, "and if I can steal him from her, I would."

"Where do you think she is right now?"

I shrugged, "I don't know, she might be back in New York or... Somewhere."

"Oh and, thank you for persuading me to Thanksgiving," I added, and I gave her a warm smile, "I never thought I needed to meet my dad after a year and to have him apologize for what he had done."

She smiled back and took my hand, my body tense at the touch, and I tried to act normally, "you don't need to thank me. This is the start of your peaceful life."

Peaceful huh? Will I achieve the peaceful life that Stephanie's talking about? Do I even deserve it? I guess I still have a long way to go...

***

"We need to find this motherfucker!" Mason punches the board out of frustration.

The gang has been looking out for Elijah, and no one has seemed to find him.

The board that Mason just punched is a board to locate Elijah's location. A large map of Idaho, and we pinpointed the places Elijah might be going. Most of them were crossed out, meaning they couldn't find a place we thought he might be.

After talking with Stephanie in the morning, the night I went to the fraternity to meet Mason, he said he held a meeting to report on searching for Elijah, and now I'm here and other people in some meeting rooms. This fraternity house is enormous, and I never thought they would have a meeting room.

"It's been a week, and they haven't found him?" I whispered to Simon.

"No, we're screwed," Simon whispered back.

"We know, we've tried our best. I'm sorry, man," a guy named Chad replied, "but to be honest, WhyPhy is a decent drug."

"I know that, but if they keep giving away for free. What's going to happen to us?" Mason said mockingly, "I thought you guys needed money. If you don't, I'll close this business right now."

"That's not what I mean..." Chad looked down in embarrassment.

"Then try to use your brain, alright?" Mason pinched the bridge of his nose, "why is it always a guy named Chad who'd say things without thinking twice..."

After some thoughts, Mason dismissed today's meeting except Simon and me. It looks like there's something he wanted to say.

Simon and I moved to the first-row chair and faced Mason, "Since you guys know about José, there's something I wanted to say about him."

Just like that, my anxiety kicked in, and it's even worse than WhyPhy. What happened to him? Did he find him?

"After Elijah tried to ambush the campus, you know my dad is a police officer. I asked my dad about José, and he said José's declared missing," Mason sighed. I don't know how he can say it calmly.

"So, what are we going to do?" I asked him.

"Pray for the best. My dad is a detective and he's trying his best to find José," he replied, "that's all I wanted to say. You two can go back and have fun."

Mason waved us, and we left the room, "Is this it?" I asked Simon, "are we going to do something about it or not?"

"No, not again. After you tried to do something you ended up in the hospital. Let's focus on finding this drug lord and wait for further information," Simon spoke.

I took a deep breath as I tried to handle my anxiety. After having fun in Utah with my family, Mason had to strike me with bad news.

On my way to the kitchen, I found Joanne to grab a drink, "You look like you've seen a ghost.
Is everything alright?" She asked me and put her arm around my neck, "I miss you."

"I miss you too, Jo," I hugged her back.

"Here, have this. It might calm you down," she gave me a red solo cup, and I drank it, which calms me down a bit, "how was your Thanksgiving? Did it go smoothly with your dad?"

I nodded, "Yeah, he keeps talking about you all day with his family. How's yours?"

"It's was okay," she shrugs, "I never thought he would be that nice, you know, after you told me about how he used to abuse you..."

"Yeah, me too. He's trying to be a better person," I spoke, and I led her to the living room, "when you took him around the school, what did you and my dad talk about?"

We sat on the couch as she tried to recall her memories, "do you need to know?"

"Yes, I do," I rolled my eyes.

"Well, a lot actually, but we mainly talk about how silly you were and got shot," she smirked at me, "I'm just kidding. I said good things about you, okay? He also said to me to take care of you."

As I listened to Joanne talking about my dad, I forgot about José. Maybe I shouldn't, but I need something to calm me down, and this one is working.

"My turn now. What did he say about me?" She asked impatiently.

"He thought that you were my girlfriend for a second," I laughed. Joanne laughs for a little, but she looks disappointed. What does that mean?

"That's crazy," she awkwardly smiled and sipped her drink.

Suddenly we were interrupted by drunk Stephanie, which broke the awkward atmosphere.

"Look who's drunk already," I spoke to Stephanie as she slumped to the floor and looked up at me. I swear it looked like porn somehow. I shook off the thought, "it's nine o'clock, and who said she had a high tolerance towards alcohol?"

"They challenge me in a beer pong. Of course, I wouldn't turn it down," Stephanie groaned.

"It's a beer, Steph! You got drunk off a beer," I laughed.

"Oh shut up, it's not like you never got drunk off a beer," Stephanie said as Simon tried to get her up.

"You're the only one who's drunk off a beer Steph. Just accept it," Simon spoke as he put Stephanie on the couch.

"Hey! You should back me off," Stephanie said, and Simon just laughed it off.

Stephanie lay her back on my back, "You know Joanne, Cathleen's dad has been talking about you," she said behind me, "like a lot. Even my parents wanted to meet you. Ugh..."

Joanne plastered confusion on her face, "Yeah, Cathleen told me about it," she threw me a look that I didn't understand.

"What?" I whispered. She just shook her head like it was nothing.

"Darn it. I'm out of drinks. Let's get another one, Cathleen," Joanne took my hand. I don't want to get another drink. Mine's still full.

"What? My drink is still-"

"I said, let's get another one," her face tells me that she wanted to talk to me. What? Am I in trouble or something?

"Fine, I'll get Stephanie a water too," I got up after telling Simon to look over Stephanie.

When we arrived in the kitchen, Joanne leaned to the counter and crossed her arm. She looks serious, though.

"Seriously?" Joanne asked, "you were with Stephanie?"

"Yeah?" I replied as I took a cup of water.

"But you told me you were with your family?"

"Yeah, that is also right. Is there a problem?" I tilted my head. I'm confused right now.

"How are you with Stephanie and your family simultaneously?" She glared at me, "and her parents wanted to meet me? Stephanie's parents?"

Does she forget that we were in the same high school, so technically we live in the same hometown?

"Yes, because we live in the same hometown?" I said, "and about Stephanie's parents wanted to meet you because my dad has been ranting about you. Isn't that supposed to be a good thing?"

She sighed and raked her hair with her finger, "Oh right, I forgot you two were in the same high school. Sorry."

Wait, forgetting that we were in the same high school wasn't the problem here. Is she jealous?

I took both of her shoulders, "Are you jealous?"

Joanne looked at me in shock, and her face turned redder, "I am not!"

I laughed, "yes, you are. Oh my God, what happened to be friends without feelings attached?" I teased her.

"I said I'm not!" She yanked my hand off her and took a beer, "you're cheeky, you know that?"

I raised an eyebrow at the sudden attitude, "Geez, I was just kidding..."

She sighed and took a sip of her beer, "whatever."

I didn't buy it. Some of me was convinced that she was jealous. We're just a friend with benefits. We agreed not to let our feeling get attached. Is it because she said something to my dad, or did my dad say something to her?

Whatever it is, I don't want to think about it too much since there're more important things that I should be worried about now.

~~~

"Oh fuck me!" She yelled as she reached her climax.

I took her face and kissed her before we slumped to the bed after intimate sex.

"That was..." Joanne tried to catch her breath.

"Amazing?" I teased.

She chuckles as she digs her face to my chest, "excellent as always."

I like this girl, Joanne. Her moan was like music to me, even when she called my name between her moans. But, aside from our astounding sex. She's the selfless person I've ever met after Simon. I manage to tell her about my life, and she never judges me once.

I sighed, "I like you, Joanne. If I ask you to be my girlfriend, it'll be sad when we break up, and I don't want us to be apart."

She nods, "I understand what you mean."

"You do?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I like talking with you, listening to your stories, and you're here with me whenever I need you. I don't want to lose you," Joanne confessed.

Then an idea came to my mind, "what about friends with benefits? We can still hang out, have sex, and more without breaking up. How's that sounds?"

She sat up and thought about the idea, "you sure? But that means no feelings attached."

I nodded, "yeah, I mean. It's not a problem, right?" She rubbed her chin. I sat up in front of her and held her hand, "I talk a lot about my life to you, which is an achievement because I don't go around telling people about my broken life."

"Yeah, me too," Joanne nods, "alright. Let's give it a shot. You also still have a slight feeling towards Stephanie," she wiggled her eyebrows, "I also want to have fun a little with someone."

"I don't know if I still like Stephanie or not," I shrugged, "it's a deal then?"

She nods, "it's a deal."

~~~

She grabs the collar of my suede jacket and closes the gap between us. I was surprised at first, but then I kissed her back. The kiss was different. I could feel the sadness in her kiss.

Since when did she catch feelings for me?

She ended the kiss and lay her head on my chest. I didn't want to interrupt her, so I stroked her head to soothe her.

"I hate the deal we've made," she sighed.

"I'm sorry," I said calmly. I took her face and looked at her, "since when?" I asked regarding her feelings towards me.

She took a deep breath, "Let's not talk about it now."

She poured her beer into my red cup, took vodka, and walked to the couch. I just silently follow her.

I feel sorry for her. Trust me, I love her, but for now, I don't feel like having a committed relationship with Joanne since Stephanie is back in my life. She must be hurting for hiding her feelings towards me.

Should I give her space? Ugh, this is why I don't want feelings to get involved because I could lose someone special to me like I lost Olivia. I even lost someone like Stephanie once, and I don't want it anymore.

***