The following set of days, my thoughts were consumed by the owner of the green eyes, his raspy voice and his dimples. His curly hair and green eyes. I often found myself caught up in my thoughts, usually cut off by Grace snapping me back to reality, but this time, I was met with a nudge of my light gray stallion.

I was currently standing by him in the cross ties. I had a lesson in about 10 minutes with Camille, and I was tacking North up for it. We had had our ups and downs during these past days, he had been super feisty some of them, but the next he was perfect once again. I was confused by his behaviour up to  the point where I decided to take separate lessons from Grace. I couldn't keep affecting her because North was being pushy, and if I had a private one, Camille  could focus on me completely and hopefully we came to a solution to whatever the problem was.

Smoothing the navy saddle pad on, I hoisted my saddle over it, adjusting all the buckles, followed by snapping his jumping boots on for extra protection. Before heading out to the arena, I grabbed my helmet and gloves before mounting and making my way towards the covered arena where my lesson would take place.

Now in the saddle, I was solely focused on the stallion under me. It was what always happened, I could be as distracted as ever if I was in another situation, but as soon as I mounted a horse, my attention narrowed, and it was probably for the better.

Arriving at the arena without a problem, the thought of having a good lesson crossed my mind, but I wouldn't know how wrong I was.

I entered the arena and was met by my trainer along with my father, both with furrowed eyebrows. Confusion crept in as I saw my dad walk out of the arena and up to the seating area that overlooked the covered arena. I glanced up at him and mirrored his tight smile.

Without a second thought, I mounted North after adjusting the stirrups and checking the girth. Once on, I asked him to walk, my mind going over the same phrase over and over again.

Today's lesson is going to be amazing, North is fine today, it will be okay.

The more I said it, the less true it became, I didn't know why I was so nervous all again.

I snapped out of my thoughts as I asked North to trot, and with a swish of a tail he did. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding as I posted to the beat. I felt Kieras eyes as well as my father's eyes. I tried not to get distracted, but with their presence, it was harder than I thought.

North trotted with so much power in each step, that half halts weren't even helping at this point. Keeping my cool, I took the serpentine as Camille had said, guiding North with my leg and reins.

"El, go ahead and canter to your right lead a bit" Camille called out to me.

Adjusting my leg position, I asked North for a canter. Instead of cantering, he trotted quicker and quicker. I let out a short breath of annoyance and asked him to slow again.

"Okay good call there, we don't want him going into the canter after rushing in trot. Keep him steady with your leg and ask him again when you feel comfortable again."

I took a deep breath and after trotting a bit, I pressed with my inner leg on the girth and my outside leg behind it. North swishes his tail and cantered. I performed half halts in attempts to keep his strong canter in control.

We centered around the arena, and I quickly adjusted to his powerful canter, slightly rising in a half seat letting him extend under me. He wasn't as sof on the bit as usual, but I worked past it by circling several times encouraging him to bend and take the bite.

"El, change your lead with a diagonal and a trotting change" Camille called out. Approaching the corner, I asked North to turn as we took the diagonal. Approaching X, I pulled on the reins and we trotted one stride before I changed my aides and asked for a canter again. North broke into a canter, but upon feeling weird, I looked down and noticed that we were on the wrong lead. Before reaching the other side of the arena to complete our diagonal, I asked for a trot again before using the correct aides in attempts to get him to canter on the right lead.

Even though I made sure to give him the correct leads, we were cantering on the wrong lead again. I let him trot and once we approached the corner of the arena, I turned him, giving the stallion the cue right as we bended. Cantering on the right lead again, I gave him a quick pat letting him know he had done a good job.

Cantering down the arena side, I felt North shifting inwards with his hindquarters.

"Use your inner leg behind to correct him, but leave your hands extremely soft" Camille called out what I had to follow to correct him.

Softening my hands, I worked on pushing him in using my leg, and we corrected it for a couple of strides before he returned to his weird bend. Why he was doing this, I had no idea, but I took a circle in attempts to correct it.

"Good job taking the circle, now, don't let him slow and again push him upwards using your leg. Remember that he has to use his hindquarters more, so he will eventually correct himself, but keep the pressure as we want him to get the message to listen to your aides." Camille explained.

I nodded and kept the pressure with my legs. Slowly feeling him come out of his weird bend, I released some of the pressure, but instead of him keeping his position, he slowed to a quick paced trot.

I bit my lip and asked him to canter again, slightly annoyed as well as embarrassed.

He took a few seconds before he cantered, at the wrong lead, again. I felt the heat rise up to my cheeks. I felt like a beginner again, messing up with the right leads.

"El, don't stress out, it's okay, he is messing with you, just ask him for a good trot and go in the corner, and just like you always do, as soon as you turn to him. Make sure he is bending as well, just to make it easier for him." I was glad Camille wasn't mad, and that she understood that something was off, but I was more worried about my  father. He hadn't seen me ride for a while and I felt pressured by it.

Once I was cantering on the right lead again, I slowed to a walk so that Camille could explain the course to me. She had set up an easier course, the jumps nearing at 1.20m. She explained what she wanted from me, and I nodded, going over the course again in my mind just in case.

"Go when you are ready." I let out a breath of determination and asked for a canter. North cantered steadily as I approached the first jump, going over It flawlessly, but after it, north got the message that we would be jumping and got excited. I felt his canter more powerful with each stride and I felt him tighten against my hands, asking for his head.

I kept calm and guided him around and made our way to the next jump. A couple of strides before, North pushed  and sped towards it. Taking off before we anticipated, I folded into my two points, moving my hand over the horse's gray mane. When we landed, I felt myself lose control as he fought against my hand.

My heart started beating faster, I couldn't fight it. I know I would make it worse as he would sense my nervousness, but I couldn't help it. We made out way to the next jump, North speeding up to it. Half halts aren't working anymore so i didn't fight it, I just let him gallop. Just like that, we flat out galloped towards the jump. Raising in the stirrups, we flew over the poles with feet to spare.

Catching me off guard, North bucked when he touched the ground. I leaned back, somehow sitting it, but it rattled me. I gasped slightly but continued around the course. When I said we were flat out galloping, I wasn't  joking. The wind created by our speed rushed through the North's mane and made my blond hair fly behind me. 

The jump was coming up quicker than I expected. I panicked, I had no control over the stallion under me, my cues were not of any effect. Fear took over me, as memories from years ago took place in my head, occupying my frightened self.

...

"Thats It El, stay in control" the last word, control, echoed in my mind. That's the thing, there was none of it. The stallion under me galloped, hooves thundering under me, I was frightened, I couldn't move, I didn't know what to do, so I just let him gallop

against my will.

...

Fear. That's the only thing coursing through my veins, being just 15 I held the reins to my stallion, however the sweet gray horse was now gone.

The thunder of hooves rang through my ears, my body's as numb as the stallion galloped away with me on him. We cantered and cantered, the arena feeling enormous. I felt like he would never stop, he galloped with such force that there was nothing I could do. The railing off the end of the arena came up, my mind was clouded by fear. North, to avoid it, swerved right, missing it by a tad bit. I lost my balance and let myself fall, I didn't have the energy to keep fighting him. We had a rough lesson before this, and I was exhausted, too exhausted to even try to stay on.

The arena dirt blocked my vision from the gray horse, and I just stayed still, letting tears escape my blue eyes. They felt heavy, I felt weak. Trying to stand up, I fell back down, and just closed my eyes, everything going black

...

Returning to reality quickly, I shook in panic. Striding away from the jump, I made my decision.

3...

I tugged on the reins, harshly enough to get his attention

2....

I voiced my commands with a small "ho" dragging out the word in the calmest voice I could master.

1...

I closed my eyes in anticipation, and felt North slide to a halt under me. My hands trembled, I was scared of my own horse, he suddenly became so unpredictable and I didnt know what to do.

I opened my eyes, tears pricking them, regaining my composure. North was a completely different horse, standing calmly under me.

I felt Cmailles gaze on me with a questioning look. I turned to look at her and was met with furrowed eyebrows.

"It was me, I'm so sorry, I panicked-"I started, I don't know why I was feeling so suddenly nervous and unsure. I could tell that Camille was still quite inquisitive but didn't push further, instead, she added.

"Eleonor, calm down. Take a moment and have another go" she stared calmly. I shifted my gaze upwards to meet my fathers, although I couldn't quite decipher what he was thinking.

Calming myself, I had another go, asking my horse for a canter. When we were cantering alongside the arena railing, my mind started wandering, suddenly finding myself a few years back, still riding North but in completely different circumstances.

...

"Okay El, that's it, sit back and stay in control you've got this." Camille's voice echoed through the arena. I held the reins tightly,  as if holding them would keep me from falling. I cantered around the arena, North barley needing pressure with how forward he was today. I shivered slightly in anticipation, not having a clue of what could happen next.

It all happened so quickly, the reins slipped through my gloved fingers, North lowered his head before lifting it heigh, and snapped. He bucked, and I managed to sit it. I brought him down, my heart pounding. Right when I thought I was okay, right when I took a deep breath again, North went crazy and threw a massive buck.

I tried to stay on, I leaned back and pushed down on the stirrup, but I failed in the attempt. I flew through the air, landing hard on the arena dirt. Not wasting a second, I stood up. I ignored the throbbing in my ankle and made my way to North who now stood in the middle of the arena, my eyes flickered and landed on the reins dangling. My breath hitched and just wished for him not to move to for him not to get hurt as I approached him limping after my fall.

...

Regaining consciousness, I shivered at the memory, but somehow It was repeating itself, like if it were a dejavu.

Like if it were in slow motion, North left my grasp completely, surely the split moment when I got distracted, other ideas crossed his mind. He shot his head in the air, white mane flying around, before I felt him buck.

So much power was in his movements, the gentle horse he once was, completely replaced. Everything happened so fast yet so slow. I snapped into it and managed to stay on as well as get the stallion under me to stand still, or somewhat still.

I felt my body shake. This wasnt me, and it wasnt North. I didn't know what had happened the last set of weeks, but I was so out of it. I walked in the arena with a surge of confidence, but It was shattered quickly enough, followed by fear. Pure fear.

I didn't know what else to expect to be honest. I didn't know what had got into the North, much less into me. It wasn't like me to lose focus or get distracted, It wasn't like me to relive memories. It wasn't like me to be so consumed by fear that I was frozen; much less when it was because of a horse-my horse.

That was probably what bothered me the most, that I had suddenly lost control over everything. One day we were good, the next my beloved horse was bucking every lesson, even rearing. I didn't say it outloud, but I was scared, I didn't know what I had done to get North to react like this.

Taking a deep breath, I glanced at Camille who had a questioning look.

"It was me, I stopped him, '' I said barely above a whisper. She must have known I didn't want to talk about it right now, so she nodded at me to go again.

Mustering all my strength, I nudged North for a canter again, and guided him towards the jump again. I managed to keep him under control as we flew over the jump, a sudden wave of relief rushing over me, but it didn't last long and the stallion landed again.

I felt North extend his canter as we rounded the corner to the next jump. I used my inner leg to encourage him to go to the railing, and he mustn't have liked that because he threw a big buck, unseating me this time. His show didn't last long as I was fine and got up again. I cantered him around the arena, and when he got frisky, I would take a circle until he calmed down.

I felt the stallion tier a bit under me, and Camille must have as well because she called me over.

"Don't go over the course, just go over the jumps you feel comfortable with. If he jumps one okay, try to keep him that way and see how any you go over. If you don't feel comfortable, take a circle or stop him. I don't want you to get hurt." She explained. I didn't show it, but it meant alot that she was being okay with this and didn't push me.

I followed her instructions, and once again asked for a canter. North had calmed down, so he didn't fight my leg and centered on it. I asked him to go forward and we went over the gray jump. I felt pretty okay with him right now, so i cantered him towards the next one, once again flying over it.

I didn't feel anything weird and I felt comfortable, so I guided him towards the upcoming oxer. Steady in the canter, I counted the strides, ready to lift off, when North let out a huge buck. I didn't really react, but my mind spiraled.

...

"Eleanor! Keep his head down, use your leg and push him forward, come on you've got this" These last words were apparently the only ones I heard right before something bad happened. I sighed, feeling exhausted and canterd the stallion around the arena one more time. Just as I felt I was about to be finished, North stopped suddenly, his head up and ears pricked. I nudged him with my leg asking him to go forward, but he didn't react, instead he took a second before launching into a massive rear. He sliced his hooves through the air, as I hung on for life. Coming back down, he trotted away proudly, as if his little act was funny. I had to give it to myself, I was proud that I hadn't fallen of whe he reared, I was close too, but I didn't.

However, it didn't last long. Out of the corner of my eye, I felt a sudden movement, knowing what was to come, I picked up the reins quickly, but apparently it wasn't quick enough. North spooked and frenzied around in a canter, before bucking harshly. I didn't even try to stay on as I felt my nimble body flying through the air, being bucked off for the third time this week. Feeling pain coursing through my arm, I had Camille come over and hover over my body as she looked at me with worried eyes.

"No love, you aren't getting on this time. You have had your fair share of falls this week, I'll get on him and try to knock some sense into him, I don't want you to get hurt even more." She whispered to me.

"Is he okay?" I managed to get out.

"Yes he is, Matt caught him, he is fine, he just got spooked, you didn't do anything wrong" she started, but was caught off by my wandering thoughts. Of course I had done something wrong, why else would he react this way.

...

Returning to reality, I was on the floor, quickly I tried to stand up, this time not being held back by Camille and made my way over to where Camile was, approaching North to catch him.

"Are you going to get back up?" She asked quietly, now holding North's reins.

"No, I don't feel too well," I muttered. Lies. Physically I was fine, emotionally, I was more than bruised. It was hard not to let my tears spill in front of Camille, not to mention my father who had already left. I wondered how much he had seen. I could already picture his disappointed face if he saw or found out somehow.

I walked out of the arena, North trailing calmly began me already. I waited for him to catch up to me, and whispered into his gray mane.

What's wrong boy? What have I done? I'm so sorry North, I'm sorry boy.

A couple of tears spilled which I quickly wiped away before Matt who was approaching could see.

"Eleanor? Are you okay?" he asked, slightly concerned and confused.

"Yeah, I'm perfect" I said shakily and plastered the fakest smile I had.

I didn't even know if Matt had bought it, after all he had known me for a long time, but I was glad no many questions were asked. I walked into the staff room and broke down completely. My body shakes as I sob. I curled up on the sofa and put my head in my hands and continued sobbing. I cried so much, I was so confused, and even though I wouldn't admit it, I was scared. Scares that things were like before, that all what was in front of us was a dejavu where I would relive the past all over again.

Unbalanced...

Inexperienced...

Out of control...

Badly behaved...

Dangerous...

But really, all he was was scared, and I couldn't blame him. I didn't five years ago, I wouldn't start now.