My alarm clock sounded, but I was already awake. The past two hours I was sat on my bed enveloped with the darkness of the room, only seeing so far away because of the darkness thinking. Or more like overthinking. I was able to sleep a good twenty minutes but I woke up and soon enough my mind wasn't bothered to sleep, instead I was just worrying about the smallest things.

I picked nervously at my finger, my heart beating harder and harder as my thoughts shifted from problem to problem. Half of what I was thinking was not even an actual problem but my tired self couldn't even know what was an actual problem and what was not. But I knew for real that the upcoming show was one. My mind wandered and I visualised many outcomes from today's show, none of them being a good one, if I may add. 

I sighed at my worried state. I hated when my anxiousness started peeking through. I would tend to overthink every little thing and make a big deal out of everything. Not wanting to fall in the pit of anxiousness again, I shaked the thoughts out of my head and unraveled myself from the crisp white covers as quietly as I could not wanting to wake Grace who was still asleep.

I made my way to the bathroom and took some time adjusting to the brightness of the room after I turned the light on. Minutes later, I found myself having to remind myself to breathe as I let the warm water run over me. I was really nervous, more than I would like to admit. The hot water stung when it reached my thumb which was covered in a light coat of blood, but it was  still there. I sighed at the evidence of the bad habit I had of picking on my fingernails whenever I was anxious. I made a mental note to clean it properly once I got out of the shower and I returned to overthinking under the running water.

I was not feeling much better when I was fully dressed and ready. I felt a constant pit in my stomach, and the constant feeling of being worried. With the quietness of the room only filled by Grace's breaths, It let alot of space for my mind to wander. Not wanting to feel like that anymore, I stopped out into the crisp London morning and gazed out into the sky.

I watched as the stars started to fade away and the darkness was replaced by the tinges of bright colors that made up the sunrise. I felt my anxiousness fade away with the stars and by the time the sun was shining down on London I felt way better. Taking one last deep breath, I returned to my room and made my way downstairs, my feet padding against the wooden floors of my house.

I had breakfast in silence just filled by the music that was faintly playing through my earphones. Before heading back up to gather my stuff, I filled a glass of water and grabbed a painkiller for Grace when she woke up. Setting it on the night table, I continued getting ready for the day.

I felt the vibration of my phone when I was greeted with a message from Matt saying that they were leaving the stables and making their way to the showgrounds. I replied with a quick "thankyou" and made my way to the front door right before I remembered that it was better if i left Grace with a note explaining my absence as her drunken mind last night, or should i say this morning, will clearly not remember what i had told her.

Grabbing a colorful post-it , I scribbled quickly on the small paper a message to my sleeping best friend.

You were pretty wasted last night so I brought you to my place. You probably don't remember but I have a show today that's why I'm not around. Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I left a painkiller along with water on the night table if you want and you are welcome to stay for breakfast. Text me if you need anything. xx ~El

With the note written, I ran downstairs and made my way into my car making my way through the outskirts of London to reach the showgrounds.

Soon enough, I found myself in the showgrounds and looking for the big gray trailer with the name of my stables on it. As I walked through the show grounds, My heart started pounding faster by the second, I had to constantly remind myself to breathe as there were moments I felt like suffocating. I knew that this was all anxiety and that it would do no good to me so I find ways to distract myself from my negative thoughts.

I had about half an hour before the dressage part of the show started so I took some time and looked at the small shops that adorned the busy showgrounds. I peeked into several, and if there was an item that caught my eye, I would get a closer look. I felt my heartbeat die down as my mind focused on something else apart from the class i will be competing in anytime soon.

Time passed quickly as I scanned the stores and ran my hands over the supple leather of saddles and bridles and the soft fabric of saddle pads or show clothes. It was barely 7:30 A.M and I had already drunk about three coffees which didn't help my anxious state but it was doing a pretty good job keeping me awake.

I went back to Matt and north and changed unwillingly into my showgear. I took deep breaths trying to calm myself down, I didn't really know why I was so nervous, that he hadn't been obeying this past week didn't mean that we would have a terrible show. Hopefully. I stood by north, petting his gray neck and waited for Matt to help me on the big stallion. I swang into the saddle and adjusted myself in the sleek dressage saddle. Gathering the reins, I pet North another time before proceeding to the warm up arena.

Reaching the warmup arena, I wasted no time and started to trot. I asked for an extended trot, rising and falling to North's outer leg. I asked North to round and after him he fought against my cues. He settled pretty quickly. I circled plenty and did many lead changes tiring North a bit.

I was overreacting, he was just fine I thought to myself as I calmed down; but I guess that I thought too soon because as soon as we passed another horse in the arena, the bay horse beside us, North went ballistic. He held his ears back and snorted as he skidded away from t  Before ending our quick warm up, I cantered in figure eights and performed flying changes in the center which we pulled off rather nicely.

"Shhhh, North, boy, it's just another horse. Calm down" I cooed in a smooth vice trying to calm the stallion down. He put on a huge shoe just because a horse passed by us bringing unwanted attention to my frenzied horse and me trying to calm him down. Not wanting to fight with him more, I just walked him a bit before exiting the arena, more nervous and tense than when I came in. I stood by the arena where I would be performing my dressage round, lost in thought with Matt holding  North's reins and staring at me.

"Why are you so pale, are you okay?" He asked, concerned laced in his voice.

"What-? Oh, um yeah" I stammered as I fiddled with the reins.

"Hey, if you are worried that he is going to have an outburst, don't. You don't know how he will act in the ring. And besides, if he does act up, what's the worst that can happen? You get a bad score, nothing more nothing less. As long as you don't get hurt or North, everything is okay." Matt reassured me. I thanked him quietly and smiled at him. With one last deep breath, my name was called and I entered the arena.

"This is Eleanor Holloway riding North Winds for Elysium Stables" the judge's voice rumbled through the P.A. Asking North to trot, I entered the arena. He was calm and In frame so I halted him and saluted the judges. When I was given my cue, North was trotting again, and I rose and fell to his beat again. We rounded the corner and trotted down the short side of the arena and turned on "C" so that we could cross through the center of the arena before perron¡ming the other moves.

Without any warning, North cantered us down the arena in a frenzied manner. Not losing my cool, I tried to regain his attention and help him calm down, and once he was still, I asked him to trot once more and we tracked right.

Passing by the judges, North spooked and raised his head going completely out of frame as well as attempting to rear. He didn't get far in his attempts of rearing because I stopped him soon enough, tugging at the reins. He settled again, rounding and my touch as we trotted around the arena once more. There must have been something he didn't like near where the letter "C" was, because he skidded away from it again. Using my leg, I asked him to move forward, which he did, and we reached the corner where the long side and the short side of the arena met. With my cues still being invisible, I encouraged him forward, I was soft with my hands again as he was perfectly rounded. He let out a high pitched squeal as we trotted down, although he didn't do more.

Before I could catch my breath again, we reached the corner where we were supposed to take a diagonal at the canter and perform a flying change. I pressed him with my leg, causing him to canter, but he had other intentions that involved bucking. We didn't end up cantering and north didn't end up bucking, instead with a swish of a tail he let out a weird hop and as if nothing had happened, we cantered down the diagonal of the arena performing our flying change.

My heart was in my throat the whole time, and my hands shook slightly probably because of my anxious state and the many coffees I had drank which was not helping at all as I was probably not giving Noth the cues as clearly as I should.

Reaching the corner at the far end of the arena, we turned left and made our way down.  It was when we reached the opposite corner when North broke out of frame and swished his tail and where we were supposed to canter forward, we moved perpendicularly to the reiling and not in a graceful way. With North's weird hopps in attempting to get away from whatever he didn't like, I  moved my hands in desperate attempts to keep him under control.

"C'mon boy" I muttered under my breath in a stressed manner. Where we were supposed to circle, in a smooth canter, we ended up completing ¾ of the circle with uneven strides. I was asking North to keep his rhythm but I was also fighting against him wanting his head.

The last quarterer of the circle, North tried to bolt but I halted him immediately, not letting him continue with his actions.The gray stallion pranced under my touch and it took a bit before I caused him to move on after his fuss. Wr somehow managed to double change down the side of the arena, It was beyond perfect, but he performed a move correctly. Something was something right?

We went back to trot and managed to trot down the arena without a problem. We then took a 20 meter circle at trot, and when North started drifting, I quickly corrected it and we kept on with the rest of our routine.

We managed to take the next diagonal but nOrth started bothering again. He tossed his head instead of bending it. He moved around as we trotted unevenly, me attempting to keep him in a straight line.

Reaching "M", I asked north to canter with my invisible cues. He was well balanced but he was hard on the bit. We managed to take an uneventful circle and although it was not close to perfect, I was grateful that he isn't giving me more trouble than he had already.

Transitioning from canter to walk swiftly, North hung his head low for a couple of seconds, but brought it up again due to a faint noise coming from the crowd, but of course he had to break his frame.

We took a diagonal walk and once we reached the other end I gathered my reins again and turned him back to the judges, a disappointed¡d look on my face. I knew i had done terrible, i didn't even know how i went on with this idea when i knew that it wouldn't end well.

With a sigh, I saluted the judges again, and left the arena with an embarrassed look on my face. I heard the judges announcing my name again although I wish I hadn't. They followed my name with my score that was an embarrassing 77.6%. I was on the verge of tears, and It wasn't because I was mad at North, it was because I wasn't, I was mostly mad at myself.

I can't get a stupd horse to do what I want him to do. My overthinking side of my mind started, and I knew that there was no ending. North is not doing anything wrong, it's all your fault. The self destruction kept on. Why did you even go to that stupid party last night when you clearly knew that North wasnt himself and you being tired was just going to add to his fussing and make things worse

You know when they say that you are your worst enemy? I totally felt that right now. My mother and father always told me that I was too hard on myself, that pushing boundaries was admirable but to  a certain extent, and that I usually took it too far; but right now it felt right. It was a dumb decicion of mune going to the party last night I kept saying to myself, kicking the stones slightly as I walked back to the trailer, North trailing calmly behind me.

Lifting my gaze, I was met by the same jade eyes as last night. I let out an inaudible gasp as I was totally not expecting those beautiful eyes staring back at me, but they were gone when I blinked. Giving it more thought, that was dumb aswell. I was clearly tired and my mind was playing tricks on me, But I couldn't seem to get them out of my head now that they were fresh in my mind again.

Back at the trailer, I just made my way inside, leaving Matt with my white Irish Sport Horse, I knew very well by now that my negative energy wasn't going to do any good. I had already walked the show jumping course beforehand, leaving me with a good hour and a half to myself. I was taking my boots and showcoat off when I heard my phone buzzing. Looking at the caller I.D, I smiled faintly seeing that it was my cousin and answered.

"Hi," I said weakly.

"Hello El!" He said in a way too cheery voice for being drunk last night and falling asleep at almost 2 A.M. I almost cringed but then spoke back.

"I'm guessing you are calling for your car?"

"Yes, I will be heading over to your place in about half an hour, is that okay?" He asked

"Yeah, I'm not home, but I left your car parked outside and the keys at the front door," I said.

"Okay, awesome. Thank you so much"

"No problem" I added with a smile

"Love you! I will catch you later" He spoke a bit in a hurry.

"Love you too" I choroused back with a slight chuckle before hanging up. Not knowing what to do, I instinctively wanted to get myself a coffee, I was not completely sure why, but I did. I waited in line at the coffee stand in the showgrounds and ordered my fourth coffee of the day and sipped the bitter drink pleasantly.

Heading back to the trailer, my phone rang again, this time it was grace though.

"Hi" She said into the phone

"Hey" I breathed out.

"Thank you for the pain killer, I really needed it" she added with a small chuckle

"You were so wasted last night" I said with emphasis on the "so"

"Uh don't even tell me about it" she said in a groggy voice, I guessed she had just woken up. I voiced my thoughts running over the words a bit, I guess it was tiredness. I guess Grace caught on because she asked about losing her groggy time and getting it replaced with a shocked/worried one.

"What's wrong? You are slurring over your words and speaking very fast"

"I think I'm just tired," I said simply.

"What time did you wake up at?" she asked slowly

"4 a.m?" I said although it came out more as a question

"And how many coffees have you drunk" she followed up

"4?" I said again but it came out as more of a question once more.

I heard Grace sigh at the other side of the line before she spoke up again.

"El, leave that coffee aside, I'm sure that with four coffees you will make it through the day. Get a glass of water and drink that instead" She said calmly, but I knew that she was concerned for me. Even though I wasn't diagnosed, I was pretty anxious, but these days it had worsened, and Grace knew it and she clearly knew what having more than one coffee would do to me.

"Okay" I said barely above a whisper and threw out the bitter drink reluctantly and went to get a cup of water to drink.

"How is the show going?" Grace asked, changing the topic.

"It's gone horrible," I said with a sigh and told Grace what had happened in the dressage ring. After I told her about the incident in the dressage class, there was silence.

"Im-I" I stuttered before taking a breath and blinking rapidly preventing my tears from falling "I sometimes see the old him, and it scares me" Is said softly, my voice cracking.

"Eleanor" she said sternly " You are overthinking, stop" She said like it was the simplest thing in the world. I was just about to voice my thoughts when she cut me off "I know what you are going to say, and I know that it's hard but you have to stop. It's affecting you. I know clearly that North is not in his best state at the moment and that he has had some outbursts lately but that doesn't mean that he is returning to his old self. It's just a phase. Trust me"

Again I was going to say something before my best friend cut me off once more. "Go show jumping and go in positively, give it your all and it will be okay. If he bothers, show him that you are your boss, you will make it through it. You know that North is not in his best state, and may I add that you aren't either, so don't be too hard on yourself" Grace cheered me up. I was so grateful to have a friend like her.

By the end of our call, I had found new confidence and I felt so much better. I went to get ready for the showjumping part by changing into my show coat and tall boots. Heading out of the trailer, I was met by a fully tacked up North. Once again, springing into the saddle, I gathered my reins and nudged North so we could head to the warmup arena.

Walking down the small road that led us to the back of the showgrounds where the warm up arena, I was lost in thought. Thankfully North was calm, although I didn't fully put my guard down since he could snap at any minute.

My train of thoughts were broken as we reached the arena. Taking a deep breath, I cued north to trot. He immediately did and we were trotting around the arena at a nice pace. Not wanting to tier him too much, I went straight into cantering over the practice jump. We were competing in the 1.20 cm class so as a strategy I had, I set the jump to 1.30 cm. I cantered North and made our way to the jump that sat in the middle of the arena. Avoiding the passing riders, I focused on the North.

Strides before, he tossed his head but not much more and we flew over the jump. Reaching the other side of the arena, I didn't slow and approached it again. I went a bit to slow this time and we got a bit deep to the jump but still cleared it. North was behaving overall, so I ended the warm up there, not wanting to overwork him. I exited the arena and made our way to the arena where the jumping was taking place.

We were one of the first couples to go, so I watched as the first riders went, watching how they completed the course. I ran the course over in my head over and over again just to make sure I wouldn't forget it. When the rider before me was close to ending, I approached the gate and fidgeted with the reins.

Matt shot me a smile as my number was being called, a person from the show opening the gate to the arena. Taking a deep breath, I made my way around the jumps making sure that north had no problem with them. I took my time, not wanting to rush it, afterall i had 45 seconds and that was plenty. When North seemed fine with all the jumps, I saluted the judges and the time started. I cantered to the first jump, and we flew over it. Obeying the laws of gravity, we came back down and cantered to the next jump.

The jump that followed was a red and white boxer after a tight rollback, so as we turned, I used my leg plenty (which caused North to pin his ears back) to be able to jump the following oxer. Focusing on the straightness with which we approached, I counted the strides and we propelled into the air and flew over the spread.

We landed again, North swishing his tail upon reaching the sand, and I rebalanced him counting the strides before the purple jump that came up quickly. Seconds later, my hands were forward on North's braided mane and I was raised in my stirrups as we popped over the third jump on the course.

We cantered behind jump seven as we neared the upcoming jumps which happened to be a combination. I guided North over the first part of it and before we knew it we were soaring over the second half of it. As we came back down and continued cantering, we passed by the judges box and the big screen that protected north and I canter around the arena. Not deciding that he suddenly didn't like it and skidded away. Using leg pressure from the leg opposite to the screen, I pushed him back into place so we could jump the following oxer. Speeding over the jump with faux bushes under us, we continued the course.

The next jump came naturally and I instructed the gray horse to go over the dark colored jump. Performing yet another rollback, we made our way to the seventh jump. I felt the north speed up under me, and I just pulled back on the reins. Instead of slowing, he lifted his head as we centred quicker than I would have liked towards the next jump. Chipping into the baby blue jump after the altered distance, we hopped over it. A dreadful sound came from the arena as we came back down. The pole toppled down and crashed against the arena dirt.

North has never liked when the poles fell, but today he wasn't having it. He bucked and nearly unseated me but I quickly regained my balance and directed him through the rest of the course. North was feistier after that and it was even more challenging to complete the course with a rattled up stallion.

Coming up was the widest oxer, the last one on the course. My eyes fixed on it and I kept contact with the North and surely enough, we launched into the air. North's knees snapped under him and I folded into my two points. Coming back down, I looked over my shoulder, still slightly lifted in the saddle as North centered on. Not seeing the jump topple out of the cups, I slowed North and with a pat I made my way out of the arena.

"That was Eleanor Holloway on north winds ending the course in 57.3 seconds with four faults over jump seven in the course" The judges announced to the crowd. I walked back to the trailer, I had a feeling of emptiness in me. My mind starts wandering for a millionth time today, and once again, it wasn't a good thing. I had never figured out why I did this, why I would always hurt myself more, why I overthink so many things.

You cant even ride, you couldn't get a horse over some raised poles

You are a disappointment

You are no good, North doesnt deserve you

North hasn't changed, You have, he just decided he's had enough of it.

I let my eyes water at my thoughts, I tried my hardest to make them go away, but they weren't leaving. I was still downgrading myself when my eyes locked with a pair of beautiful green eyes, those same green eyes, but like if it were an act of magic, they were gone again.

I stopped thinking hurtful things, but my thoughts shifted to the owner of those stunning green eyes. Who was it? Was I just imagining them? I probably was though, they disappeared the second I saw them, its just my stupid mind playing tricks on me I managed to convincemyself, but i was still wary.

Nearing the end of the show, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. The effect of the coffee had worn out and I didn't dare to drink another cup because it wasn't really helping me in my anxious state.

I have no idea how I managed to get back home, But thankfully I did, and the second my head reached the pillow, I was out like a light, my parents were probably worried as I hadn't spoken to them since last night when I left to the party, But I couldn't care less, I just wanted to sleep after this dreadful day.

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Hello!! I'm so sorry for the spelling mistakes if they are any. I am updating from my phone so it's a bit harder haha.

hey I actually wanted to talk about a more serious topic in this chapter. I mentioned slight anxiety from Eleanors side, and I want you to know that it won't go much further than that. I don't want to trigger anybody, and personally I don't feel that getting into that world is the best thing for this book or for my readers. Anxiety is a real problem, and there are people that suffer a lot from it, having some close people diagnosed with it. I am not saying I know what they feel or what they are going through, but I know that It can be really hard. I want you to know that i'm here if you ever need to talk, I want to help you. Don't be afraid to message me about whatever, I would love to help, and know that you're not alone. I love you! x

On another note, I want to play a little game hehe. With the characters you know somewhat well, (Eleanor, Chris, Grace) or any other really, drop in the comments who you think would play them, and let's see if someone guesses! I think it might be a bit hard because I didn't choose really known people, but I want to see who you think plays my characters!

Before you go, I love you all so much, vote comment and stay safe xx