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SPRING DAY
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Taehyung

Two years later

“Good luck, Taehyung. I know you’ll do amazing,” Jimin says over the phone, and I only hum in response.

“I’m hoping so too,” I answer him softly.

“I’ll meet you and Yi-Seo later tonight,” he declares enthusiastically, earning a soft laugh from me before I agree and end the call.

As I place the phone on the dresser, I lift my gaze to look at my reflection in the mirror. I look happy and healthy, and I can’t help but smile softly at myself, feeling proud of where I am in life right now.

Nevertheless, there’s a bit of nervousness that I’m experiencing right now because it has been a long time since I’ve been on a stage of any kind, and the fact that I’m about to make an appearance on a stage today without any kind of professional makeup or styling is interfering with my confidence. Besides, I’m not great with my words when I have to deliver them orally, and that is only further contributing to my nerves at the moment.

I chose to wear a simple white button-up shirt and pair it with a dark grey pinstripe suit. It was Yi-Seo’s idea to make the attire semi-formal, and leaving the top few buttons of the shirt open is definitely adding style quotient points to my otherwise simple outfit. The absence of makeup and professional styling could be overlooked given how presentable my attire is.

“Am I allowed in here?” Yi-Seo pokes her head through the small creak in the door, and her eyes find mine in my reflection in the mirror.

“Do you even have to ask?” I raise a brow at her while fixing the buttons on the cuff of my shirt, and she pushes herself into the room, closing the door behind her thereafter.

As Yi-Seo steps closer to me, I keep my eyes on her reflection in the mirror and closely watch her every little move and expression. Picking up the jacket in her hands, she helps me into it, and I roughly fix it over my shoulders before I turn around to face her. She closes the gap between us by taking a few steps and softly placing both her hands on my shoulders.

Our eyes stay locked on each other, and I notice that she still hasn’t applied her lipstick. She always waits until our kisses cease. It’s an implicit invitation, our new love language, and I’m unable to resist myself from dipping my neck and pressing my lips to hers. Yi-Seo rises to her toes, as she always does, to meet and match the pace at which my lips are communicating with hers. Her glasses don’t bother me anymore; I’ve mastered the techniques of kissing her without taking them off.

The kiss deepens when she tilts her head further and allows her tongue to slide against mine, stealing away my words and my breath before she softly lands her heels back on the floor. My needy hands slide up her spine and slip into her soft locks, gently gripping a handful at the nape of her neck. Our lips linger, touching repeatedly in little fluttering kisses that make her giggle.

Holding her tight around her waist, I watch her closely as she runs her hand over the lapels of my jacket and fixes them neatly.

“You look so handsome, just like a King. I don’t think I’ll be able to look at anything or anyone else today,” Yi-Seo admits sheepishly, chuckling when I tug her smaller frame closer to me, her whole body flush against mine.

“I’d appreciate that, Miss Kwon. Keep that gaze just for me because I don’t really like sharing what’s mine,” I acknowledge her compliment, verbally marking my territory and emphasizing my words by gently massaging her waist.

“Yeah?” Yi-Seo raises her eyebrows, and I only nod a little, licking my lips as I stare down into her sparkling eyes.

“Your mind is going places,” she declares in a whisper after a few seconds of complete silence between us as she searches my eyes for an answer.

“Where there’s just you and me,” I tilt my head a little as my tone deepens and drops to a whisper.

“Mhm?” The smile on her lips grows a little wider, “and what are we doing there?” She asks me, sneakily slipping her fingers over my shoulder to the back of my neck.

“Making babies,” though it sounds cheeky, there’s not a spot of hesitation in my answer because honestly, that’s what has been on my mind for a while now.

Yi-Seo’s eyes double in size, and her slender eyebrows raise a little in pleasant shock even though the pink on her cheeks suggests otherwise—she has been to that place too, I know it.

“You’re so naughty,” her fists pound against my chest a few times, and her shy giggle makes her divert her eyes from mine.

Gently cupping her jaw in my hand, I raise her head to meet her eyes.

“I’ve been going there a lot these days, Yi-Seo. You know, that place with just the two of us, filled with love and lots of our own babies, living in peace… I think I might want that for us,” again, as I pour out my confession, there’s no hesitation in my words because it is what I truly want for us.

A future with her. A family with her. To be her man and to have her as my lady forever.

A romantic marriage proposal may sound cool and grand, but I truly believe in honest and heartfelt proposals. Anything over the top would be just for the sake of fancy, but I’m still not dismissing the idea of a more creative proposal.

“Taehyung-ssi, I know you’ve been going there a lot because I’ve been going there too… a lot more than you’d ever know,” she says looking into my eyes, and her confession makes me feel like never before.

“I love you, Yi-Seo,” I say softly, tucking her hair behind her ear as I keep my gaze steady on her.

“I love you so much more, Taehyung,” she says, tenderly stroking my jaw with one hand, and everytime I hear her say it, my heart leaps within my chest, and I feel like I’m the happiest and luckiest man on the planet. It is also the only time she ever drops the honorifics and calls me by just my name, except, of course, when we’re in bed.

There’s this strange lightness that she causes in my stomach and the pounding inside my chest that feels addictive, and it is always this way with her. I only find myself falling deeper into her love, and I wouldn’t ever want it any other way.

My mouth meets hers again, and it feels so right and perfect—not just the way our lips and bodies connect, but the way our souls blend when we’re together, and the way her delicate words and touches can heal my worst pains and tragic memories is truly magical.

I still can’t believe how my life had to travel along so many bumpy roads and take a million harsh turns to finally reach my home, but the completeness that I feel right now, in this moment, cannot be put into words, and it is worth everything.

Her warm cheeks are against my palms, and our tongues are against one another’s now, and as extremely arousing as it feels, it also gives me an immense sense of security and belongingness.

To say that I love her with every cell in my being would be such an absurd understatement. What I feel for her transcends such simple terminologies; it is powerful, undefinable, unbound by any conditions, and it shines light upon the destination that I want to reach and be the man that I want to be.

Yi-Seo is the first to pull away from the lip lock, her chest heaving as she does. She runs her tongue over her lower lip, tasting the remnants of me on her, and I mirror her actions.

“We need to talk about this…” I stroke my thumb over her lower lip, watching her shudder a little under my touch. “More intimately…” I bring my thumb to my lips and kiss it with a little sound.

“But now, I think we should get going… unless you want to show up late for your own Ted-talk,” Yi-Seo speaks quietly as her fingertips delicately trail down my jaw and neck and down the exposed part of my chest before she retracts her hands with a cute grin.

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The youth event that’s happening today is part of a 3-day long intercollegiate cultural fest that’s happening in Seoul. Given that I have recently succeeded in rehab with no relapses in over five months, I was approached by the event organizers to give a Ted-talk on any topic that would be relevant to the event.

I have chosen to talk about my almost ten year long exponential battle with my alcohol use disorder, which includes the perilous eighteen-month long rehab, and how I finally managed to bring it under control. It could be a little inspiring for anyone in the crowd or for any of their near and dear ones who could be struggling from addiction and wanting to liberate themselves but still finding themselves being imprisoned by their habits. The feeling is extremely suffocating and painful, and I know it a little too well. But it isn’t incurable.

Today, through my talk, I only hope to instill hope for betterment in at least one mind that probably needs to hear it.

The topic is slightly debatable, but Jimin also insisted that I must go ahead with this and present the truth without any whitewashing.

Typically, eighteen minutes long, a Ted-talk is supposed to be a powerful and clean talk that will keep the listeners invested. I’m confident about my topic, but what’s making me a little antsy is the fact that there would be about two thousand students listening to my speech today.

I hope I can pull this off.

“Good luck, Taehyung-ssi. You’ll do amazing,” Yi-Seo whispers to me, gently squeezing my hand that’s intertwined with hers when my time to go up on stage arrives.

“I hope so,” I send a flat smile her way before releasing my clammy palm from hers and walking up to the stage while blowing out a nervous breath and fixing the jacket of my suit.

I step up on the stage and gather a big breath before raising my head to look at the huge audience filled with expectant young faces, none of whom would probably know me for who I was many years ago. If they go back home and talk about me and my Ted-talk to their families, they may get to know a lot more…most definitely.

Clearing my throat, I take a step forward and gently remove the mic from its stand and take it in my hand. I send a smile to the gathering, that comes out with much less confidence than what I intended to showcase.

Nevertheless, the show must go on, and so, I begin my Ted-talk.

“I’m diving straight into my speech because the introduction given about me was way more flattering than what I myself had prepared,” I chuckle nervously. “So, how did I overcome my alcohol usage disorder? Now, alcohol usage disorder is not a very impressive thing to hear about or experience. At all. And you may wonder why this topic is being talked about in a setting so irrelevant, yeah?” I raise an eyebrow at the crowd that has fallen into pin-drop silence now.

The rapt attention of the audience boosts my confidence, and it shows in my stature by how my shoulders relax and how my voice and legs grow more stable.

“You’ll know when I get to the end of my speech. So… It was after I turned nineteen that I started out as a casual, social drinker, but I never consumed smoke in any form because the nature of my job didn’t permit that. The occasional drinks were all fun, and I rarely even got too drunk to have a hangover because I was almost always tight on schedule, and again, a hangover was something that I couldn’t afford in my jam-packed lifestyle.

“As you might have heard in the introduction and read in the flyers for this event, I was an idol many years ago. Singing was my passion, and I never once considered it a job. It was like the blood in my veins; singing and performing were a part of me. I was, and I still am extremely passionate about it. I could even declare that it was the only thing I knew to do to earn and survive. But then there came a point where my career suddenly vanished one day. Let’s not get into the details of that because I can later tell you where to find it if you’re interested in knowing more about my past and my career. And today it isn’t about that anyway.

“Without a career, I completed my military enlistment, hoping to escape the harsh reality that surrounded me, but it only lasted two years. I had to come back to a life without fame, fans, stages, concerts, recording studios, and it was absolutely depressing. To top it all, I was all alone. No girlfriend, no boyfriend, no family, and there were just friends who avoided me like the plague. Everything and everyone were so superficial.

“I began drinking to escape the loneliness and transport myself to an alternate reality where things were always happy and where I was loved immensely. In that beautiful world, I was always performing for my fans, and I was floating in the clouds. The gravity of that alternate reality was too strong; it sucked me in. I allowed myself to free fall into that endless tunnel without any regrets because it felt just about right.

“You know, the times when we make absolutely horrendous decisions, yet we feel that it’s the best choice, and we still go ahead with it? Yeah, this is a classic example of one of those poor, terrible choices. I drank all the time, two glasses became four and four became six, and in no time, I was effortlessly drinking a whole bottle of vodka a day.

“The hangovers were tortuous, but my body soon began to grow numb to alcohol, and after that the hangovers weren’t so bad at all. And then I couldn’t sleep or find my bliss in just alcohol anymore because I had reached a point of saturation. So, what next? I needed more. I needed a lot more to drown myself in and forget where I was and what was happening to me,” I pause for a breath and scan the crowd that’s totally invested in my speech now.

“I turned to drugs,” my voice grows more solemn. “I began smoking weed because I no longer had a career that prohibited me from smoking. I smoked like there was no tomorrow, and the high that weed offered was too addictive. Are you wondering where I got the money to buy stuff? Don’t worry, I had my ways. I was never broke,” I chuckle lightly, weaving a hand through my hair as I walk around to the other end of the stage.

“Yeah, so cannabis and alcohol was a necessary combination on most days, and on other days it was just alcohol and nicotine. There came a point where I never once stepped out of my home for an entire week. I spent seven whole days drinking and smoking indoors, and for several weeks in a row I kept doing the same. I don’t know what it was, but one day, all of a sudden, I felt so irresponsible and reckless for drinking away my only precious life like that.

“So, I went cold turkey, and I discarded everything that I had and stayed clean for a week. No alcohol, no smoke, all perfect, detoxifying, and clean. But there was this voice in my head which constantly kept telling me…go for it. Just one drink. Just one glass of vodka, and vodka was my choice of poison. The whispering was malicious, and constant, and I woke up from my sleep, sweating bullets and trembling with shivers.

“I couldn’t regain my inner peace until I gave in to that vile voice and downed the vodka—not just one glass, but at least like six or seven. And this cycle was endless. Vicious. And it was just the same every single time, no matter how much I kept telling myself not to give in ever again. Everything was fruitless. I was running in circles, doing the same thing over and again for a few years.

“And what did that lead me to? Health problems, depression, and social anxiety. I feared stepping out of my home. I had no distractions because I didn’t have the time for that. I was immersed in my habits, telling myself that alcohol or not, weed or not, tobacco or not, I’d anyway die someday. So why not die doing what gave me peace? But what I failed to accept was that it wasn’t leading me to peace. It was only driving me down to hell and making me a living mess.

“I convinced myself that destroying myself was the best kind of control in this brutal game of life, but the truth was that, I was losing all control and heading for a dead end,” a moment of profound silence prevails in the air as I take a deep breath before I collect my thoughts and continue speaking.

“So, how did I actually pull myself through to rehab? What exactly happened that made me want to try and change? Was it just one moment or person or action that made me want to break free? Actually, yes. Even though what led up to it was a combination of everything plus my own will to give up, there are two very special people to whom I owe it big time. Details about them? I’ll tell you where to find it…” I smile softly, missing Jimin’s presence in the crowd.

“It took me a lot to realize that I was too deep into alcohol usage to actually try and de-addict myself without professional help because addiction is way stronger than it sounds. It even once led me to a suicide attempt…a failed one, of course,” my eyes drift to Yi-Seo who is sitting in the front row and listening to me with glossy eyes and a fond smile of pride.

Nodding, I smile lightly as I glance back at the crowd and continue, “Since this is about my struggle with addiction, I’m not going into the details of what happened before and after the failed attempt. So, with a lot of support from my loved ones, and with a heap load of will-power, I finally managed to enroll for the de-addiction program. My case was quite a prolonged and strong one, and my dependency was also very high, which forced me to sign up for an in-patient rehab. And fast forward by eighteen months, I’m standing here now, after succeeding in rehab without any relapse episodes in over five months, feeling like a new leaf, all clean and detoxified.”

“Was it really that easy?” I laugh softly, shaking my head a little. “Trust me, it was anything but easy. Rehab felt like hell; it was pure torture. The first few weeks especially, where I was moved out of my home and permitted to consume just one tenth of my usual quantity every night. I couldn’t sleep at all, and during the sparing sleep that I could manage, I woke up many times feeling like I was dying. I really thought that my end was near because it was so tortuous. Absolutely hellish.

“I was put through numerous counseling sessions where I broke down so miserably every single time. The doctors kept switching my alcohol dosage, and worked around with numerous treatment methods until finally I was given a magic medicine that kind of tricked my brain into believing that I had already consumed over eighty percent of what I wanted to drink. So then, I would take just the remaining twenty percent and feel content.

“My dosage was tapered like that, and my brain was manipulated and led to believing that it got what it needed. Well, technically, the drug tricked my brain and body, and I couldn’t actually drink anything more even if I wanted to. It was like the most effective treatment ever, and that’s why I prefer to call it magic medicine.

“I can’t really give out the name of the medicine since that isn’t allowed. But yeah, it was truly miraculous, nevertheless it also had its own side effects on my physical health that the doctors were able to take care of, fortunately. And then weaning it off was the last step.

“Now all these were the medical aspects of the rehab process. But what mattered most and helped me stay strong was my robust determination to destroy the addiction that I had lived with for so long. I wanted a better life. I wanted to be a healthy person and live a long life, get married, become a father, make music for as long as I could. I had dreams that I was determined to chase.

“I realized that breaking out of an addiction isn’t so simple like ‘don’t do it if you don’t want it’. Nope. Not at all. It’s just a habit if you’re able to get rid of it that way. Addiction is called addiction for the reason that you cannot just break out of it only by making up your mind. It needs so much more, like support and understanding from people around you, dedicated doctors who do their best to help you out of it, and an unflinching commitment to grow and become the person you want to be.

“I could call myself truly lucky in the manner that the right people found me at the right time and helped me be who I am today, but,” I pause intentionally, righting my posture and standing up more confidently.

“Anyone who is struggling can turn out to be lucky. If you’re that person who is struggling, don’t feel bad about it. Ask for help. Because asking for help when you need it the most does not make you appear weak. In fact, it is the biggest sign of strength and courage. If you know someone who is suffering, offer help and be their pillar of strength. Have hope, and know that alcohol use disorder isn’t incurable. If I have done it, anyone can do it,” I shake my fist in the air with a bright smile that earns me a round of applause which starts off slow but soon grows into a roar of claps that lasts for several seconds, making the hair at the back of my neck stand upright in pride and joy.

I bow to the crowd before I decide to end my speech with a few last words.

“I also chose this topic today because university age is a very vulnerable age for students since this is when you enter adulthood. And with it comes the liberty to drink and smoke and do other adult things. But trust me, adulthood isn’t just an entry pass to the world of alcohol, drugs and whatever you think that adults do that apparently seem cool. Adulthood is so much more than that. Peer pressure, curiosity, mental health reasons—whatever may be your excuse to start forming potentially addictive habits, it is unacceptable, nevertheless. Trust me, I’ve experienced it first hand. It is no fun, and instead of living a life regretting your wasted youth years, it is always better to lead a healthy life even though it might sound a little too plain and bland.

“And, in case you’re eager to read up more about my life, then there’s this book that was released just last week. It will tell you about my past, about my habits, about the most important people in my life—good and bad alike—and so much more. The book is titled ‘Looking beyond the window’ which is a biography of my life, and it is written by my fiancée, Miss Kwon Yi-Seo,” my eyes don’t stray away from Yi-Seo’s, and I send a smile her way when her eyes widen by multiple folds in pleasant surprise.

“I’m not talking about the book just because it was written by her. It’s actually the other way around. The idea of this book was what brought us together. She has been my strongest pillar of support in this hard and rough journey through these two years, and I’m truly thankful for that and for her mere presence with every breath that I take. Thank you for everything, dear Yi-Seo,” I offer a deep and respectful bow in her direction before I replace the mic on its stand and descend the stairs out of the stage.

I feel as if I have accomplished something huge by getting a valuable message out there—the message that means the most to me, and I’m truly thankful for this opportunity that helped me open up and feel so much better about myself.

Just as the show organizers thank me and lead me to the backstage, Yi-Seo walks over slowly, approaching me with hesitant steps. We say nothing to each other as she comes closer to me, but her eyes are quite literally conversing with me as they always do. I reach out to hold her hand before we thank the organizers and leave the spot silently.

“You did amazing, Taehyung-ssi. Thank you for being honest and courageous enough to talk about something so sensitive and personal. I’m so proud of you…” Yi-Seo softly places a hand over mine that is over the gear stick. “Have always been,” she adds in a soft whisper, lacing her fingers through mine when I lightly turn my eyes to look at her.

“Thank you, Yi-Seo. I was a little nervous when I started, but the feeling eased when I began talking, and I was able to deliver it all confidently because I spoke only the truth.”

“Fiancée, huh?” Yi-Seo chuckles in an amused manner, and I wish I could kiss that smile right now.

“I meant what I said,” I answer her with a smile as I bring her hand to my lips, tenderly kissing it thereafter.

Once we reach Silver Springs, I ask Yi-Seo to take a walk along with me in the park, and she agrees without delay.

The park is calm and empty at night, and the lake and the bridge appear straight out of a fairytale. Ever since I came out of rehab last month, we have been spending most of our time indoors or heading out to meet Woo-Bin. We even once met Se-Young, who is currently under probation, at the hospital. He seemed a lot better with his ongoing cancer treatments that were working well.

Out of the limited places that Yi-Seo and I have been to together, I have always loved spending time with her at the community park because there are so many fond memories that this place holds for us. And the footbridge here truly feels like it’s our own special place.

We walk in silence, holding hands and rejoicing in being with each other more than anything else at the moment. As we reach the footbridge, I stop walking and turn to look at her.

Smiling, she takes a step closer to me with our hands still joined. I wrap a hand around her waist, looking into her beautiful eyes as I nervously prepare myself for the big moment.

“Yi-Seo, do you remember the first time I kissed you? Right here…” I ask her, clearly remembering how flustered and pink and cute she looked at that moment.

Laughing softly, she asks me, “You didn’t think I did not like it, did you?”

“You literally ran away from me,” I tease her, chuckling a little.

“But ever since then, I’ve been wishing for something like that to happen again… a kiss, right here,” her voice sounds like music to my ears, and her eyes stay on mine as she confesses her little wish.

I fully know what she means, but I still tease her by leaning closer and pressing my lips to her cheeks and recreating the first kiss before I lean back with a naughty smirk to see the pout on her lips.

“You’re teasing me, aren’t you?” Yi-Seo’s fingers climb up to the collar of my shirt as she takes hold of it and pulls us closer.

“No? This is how I kissed you the first time,” my shoulders lift in a casual shrug, and I push my tongue against the inside of my cheek, watching her getting flustered all over once again.

“I need more than that, Taehyung-ssi,” she asserts a little dominantly.

“Just like that?” I tilt my head a little, sending a teasing smirk her way.

“Rock, paper, scissors, then?”

“No,” I shake my head very lightly. “Close your eyes,” my voice drops to a whisper, and she closes her eyes with a smile still sitting pretty on her lips.

With one arm wrapped around Yi-Seo, I slip my free hand into the pocket of my jacket and fetch the solitaire diamond ring that I’ve been holding on to since this morning. But now, everything is just too perfect to let this moment pass unappreciated.

“Yi-Seo, don’t open your eyes until I say so. Not even if you feel something happening,” I ask her politely, making her smile widen a little.

“I trust you; I won’t open my eyes,” she gives her word, locking her hands over my shoulders and around my neck.

Gently pulling off her left hand, I hold her hand in mine and slide the ring into her ring finger, kissing her fingers thereafter. The full moon in the night sky is the only witness to this most meaningful moment in our lives, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

“Marry me, Yi-Seo,” I lean closer to her and whisper into her ear as I hold her close to me. “You complete me; you’re everything I’ve ever wanted in my life,” I lean back a little to meet her sparkling eyes that flutter open.

“Without you, I would be nothing today, probably not even alive. But you’ve given me so much to look forward to… You’ve shattered all my misconstrued perceptions of life and made me realize what I truly need and deserve. Yi-Seo, I cannot imagine a life and a future without you by my side. I want us to get married and have a handful of children and live a long and wholesome life,” my eyes tear up when I see the tears forming in her eyes.

“I love you more than what I could ever express with my words, and I promise to always love you, cherish you, and support you with my everything. I love you, Yi-Seo. So much that my words can do no justice to the love I feel for you. Please be mine. Let’s get married,” my tears drip down my cheeks as does hers.

Her trembling lips pull into a big smile, and her cheeks as well as the tip of her nose turn pink.

“Taehyung-ssi, yes. A million times, yes. I want us to get married.” Yi-Seo’s calm voice shakes, “I love you so much. You mean everything to me, and I don’t want to spend another moment away from you. You have no idea how much I’ve dreamt about us getting married and starting a sweet little family and living in peace. I really want that for us. I love you, Taehyung. I love you with my whole heart. I’d marry you right now, right here, if that’s possible,” Yi-Seo laughs amidst her tears, and it makes me do the same as I gently wipe away her tears.

“Yeah?” I laugh softly, dipping my neck and pressing our foreheads together. “Right here sounds so tempting, baby,” I tighten my hold around her waist and slide a hand to her bottom, stroking her as I speak, “but I want to tell the whole world that I’m getting married to the best woman on this planet. Kim Yi-Seo,” I whisper my desire, and my teary eyes search hers for an answer that I have already received.

“May I now kiss you?” My voice deepens as I ask her for consent, but her answer directly meets my mouth when she allows our lips to softly mould into one. Our eyelids fall shut at the same time, and my hands move to her back, wanting to always keep her close to me for a million lifetimes.

Yi-Seo once told me that she could never be my light, but she would always be my shadow. But that isn’t true. She isn’t just my light and hope; she’s everything, and what she has shown me is something so powerful and immeasurable.

She has taught me that the power of love is indeed the strongest force in this universe.

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Please look forward to the author note. I have a few words to say, as always. Lol.
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Published on : 02/28/2023