And I just think...

Maybe I'm not meant to be loved.

-L

It was the brutal, honest truth. Who could possibly care for him in a way that's unconditional and everlasting? Louis hadn't met a single guy that's given him that. Not once. His heart was hanging by a thread at this point, a frayed and fragile thread that was about to break.

He was tired of being let down continuously and getting attached easily, jaded of forgiving. Putting down his guard when he grows comfortable at the thought of letting someone get so close. The pain of losing someone that meant so much to you, that was your everything was bedevilling.

Louis' made a promise to himself to move on, to forget the wreckage back in Liverpool that he left behind days ago. To cut ties with it and never go back, maybe give Niall and Zayn a ring from time to time. Liam too. But Louis doubts they'd want to talk with him, he's been ignoring them since he left. Every call or text, Facebook message and direct message on Instagram. Telling his mother to relay the message he wasn't around if they ringed and that he's unwell if they kept pestering her with their worries. He'd even asked her not to tell Anne anything either. It's quite the dick move, but Louis needed a break. A long hiatus away from everything that had to with the past eight and a half years.

Maybe they hate Louis for dropping off the face of the earth unannounced, or they wondered what they did wrong. Worried sick about him and Louis been so surprised that none of them had come out to see if he's back in Doncaster all this time.

Even Harry, who's been trying every day to reach him. Sending a text asking where he went. Wanting to have a talk and that he missed him, saying it's quiet without him at home. Home. Doncaster was where his heart was now, Liverpool was just a thing of the past.

And he vowed never to go back.

The moment Louis posted that text post, he just sighed. Cheek rested against his fist, elbow propped on his desk, and refreshing his notifications. Hoping someone would reach out to him, reply, send an ask, or even a message. Anything. His followers were his mates now, well his mutuals that was. Yes, he did miss his friends, he'd love to chat with Zayn about Liam quitting one of his jobs to spend more time together. Or the fact Niall and Donovan had hooked up that night at the pub. Louis had seen the texts and wanted to be happy for them, but he couldn't find it in himself to reply. Terrified the conversation would lead into why he's been ghost and sharing the wonderful news Harry was back with Ellie.

All he wanted was to not remember seeing them together on a date while all the courage he had drained out of his body to admit things to Harry. They all probably knew that Harry was back with his ex-girlfriend again and was talking with her weeks ago. Not that it'd be a surprise. After all, it's what Harry loved to do, push Louis into the dark until the very last moment.

It's confusing and infuriating that he'd experience this. It was almost as if Harry was afraid to tell him, not wanting to burn any bridges because he rather be with someone else. Not wanting to break him because Louis tends to take things to heart, Bad news was, the way things Harry ended things years ago wasn't being let down easy. Nor was the moment he found out through Niall some big news wasn't either. Harry should've known better though, after the whole walking in on Sean with another man should've been a considered thought.

Louis loved the boy to death, but it just isn't worth it anymore.

He refreshed the screen again, the corners of lips slowly sliding upward when he saw he had a few asks.

Don't say that babe, what's the matter?, and need to talk? Louis responded to each of them, taking his time explaining the delicate situation. Revealing to them he just can't win no matter what and is over it. Done. Adding in that he's better off alone than risking his heart with another man. Of course, he'd gotten a few responses to not rule everything out, someone's out there for him, even one of them suggested that Sean seemed redeeming enough to give another chance. As if that made the situation any better.

The last time Louis had a chat with Sean was the other night. The only person he's talked to since he's left the city, well other than his job. Which he quit, fucking finally. But Sean wanted to see him, go for dinner, and then back to his. Louis told him he wasn't well, sick and under a lot of pressure. Which wasn't necessarily a lie... but Sean didn't need to know the details. Doesn't need to know Louis is hurting and tragically in love with Harry. That he hadn't been home in a week. That he can't make himself go home for Niall's party because he's too chicken to face whatever mess was back there waiting for him.

Sean had asked to come over and take care of him, but Louis told him he wasn't home. In Doncaster for a while, but asked him not to tell a soul. Because Louis had a feeling one of his mates would go to his ex-boyfriend to see if he was with him.

Naturally Sean was curious and wanted to know why be so secretive, and Louis just told him he just needed a break. His past lover didn't ask more questions about that and said he might come see him in a few days, dunno yet. Louis didn't protest, but he didn't say yes. Just changed the subject onto something else. Sean didn't ask any questions though, just let Louis have this.

But other than that, since he's been back home Louis spent time with his mum and sisters when they weren't busy.

Louis let out a yawn, his eyes fallen down to date and time at the corner of his computer screen. It was nine in the morning, and he should be in bed. But he can't sleep. Too much on his mind, getting it off his chest and airing it out into the world Tumblr had helped a little, but nothing can cover up the guilt he was feeling. NIall's party was tonight, and he's not going to be there. It's supposed to be at Zayn and Liam's flat, numerous foods, drinks, good music, and a massive cake. Loads of people ranging from Niall's colleagues to their closest friends. Even Gemma's supposed to be there as he's down visiting. She's probably worried about him. Wondering why Louis' not there on such a special day he had originally planned, why he'd been gone for so long, and why he'd been ignoring everyone.

It's kind of surprising she hadn't rang him.

But whatever, he can always treat Niall to a belated birthday outing some other time. Louis didn't want to go back to Liverpool to get the rest of his things just yet. He wasn't ready.

Louis was in the middle of scrolling through his dashboard when he heard a series of soft thuds against the grain of his door before it slowly cracked open. Snapping his gaze away from his screen and looked at whoever decided to come pester him in these early morning hours.

It was Jay.

"Hey mum." Louis muttered out, swivelling his desk chair for a more comfortable position. Crossing his arms over his chest, pulling the sleeves of his jumper taught in his fists, and wondering what she could possibly want. It definitely wasn't a call for breakfast, he already ate half and hour ago.

Jay had this warm smile etched across her face, not moving from the doorway, and her hair still tucked into a loose bun. Yet there was a hint of concern in her eyes and that didn't sit so well in the pit of Louis' stomach. Something was on her mind.

"How're you feeling, sweetheart?"

Louis shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

The corners of Jay's lips twitched ever so slightly as she searched his face, she didn't believe him. His mum knew him better than anyone, and sometimes Louis wished he could pull a fast one over her. But sadly, that's never been a success.

"Are you going to Liverpool tonight?" Jay asked, carefully. Like she knew it was a sensitive area for Louis. That back in that city wasn't something good that caused him to leave.

Louis flicked his gaze down to lap and tried to bite back the frown dancing on his lips, but he knew Jay could see right through his insouciant facade. Louis wished he wasn't such an easy read sometimes, it wasn't fair. Why can't he wallow in peace? Why can't he hide his emotions well enough? It was one of the things Louis had to learn to love about himself growing up, his personality tended to give himself away even when times were tough. That's how some arguments had ensured with his friends, siblings, past lovers, and even his own mum. Getting defensive when it was a touchy spot. Even when he was sad or hurt, it's always been his downfall.

Louis dreamed of being the type to pretend everything's okay and not act out character, but sadly that's not something he could control. Not ever.

"Oh Louis," Jay murmured woefully, the sound of the door clicking shut echoed through his room and he could hear his mum letting out a small sigh. "You don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with sharing, but it's not like you to miss out on parties."

Jay hadn't a single clue why he'd been home because Louis never shared it with her or his sisters. His mum never had asked though, just welcomed him back with open arms and a hot meal, telling him whatever it was that it'll get better. Not even pressing for a heart to heart the whole time he's been back or asking him why he'd been so secretive towards his whereabouts when it came to his worried friends. So it was bound to happen at some point, and Louis had a very strong feeling building in his gut that this may be the moment.

"Do they know you're not coming?" Jay proceeded to poke at the subject even more.

Louis just shook his head, feeling a little ashamed he's bailing out on his best mates birthday party, of all days! But, he can't go back there, not after Ellie replaced him once again. After being reminded he was nothing more than a good shag that wasn't even worth remembering. It was better off if he wasn't there, honestly.

Ellie finally gotten what she wanted, Louis out of the picture

He finally slowly dragged his eyes up back to his Johannah who now had her arms crossed as well, but the concern still written across her face.

"I just.." Louis started to say softly, untucking his one of his arms from his chest and rubbed the back of his neck. "I need more time."

Johannah didn't criticize him or told him to suck it up and go spend time with his mates. She wasn't guilt tripping him either, all Jay said in a soft tone was, "And that's okay, take as long as you need."

His mother was truly a godsend, like really. He wouldn't know what he would do without her.

"But I think when your ready that you should get a hold of Niall and Harry soon and tell them." Jay added in, and Louis dreaded that. This wasn't about the party tonight or going back home, this was an entirely different matter. One Louis had a serious conversation with Jay the other day about, where he needed her help and advice. Something he's never done alone.

Louis' going to try and get a place of his own here in Doncaster. Maybe he could ask Niall to come live with him as he's sure Ellie and Harry would be more than happy to have a place to themselves. He's certain Niall would come to Donny, if not then he'd have to find a roommate. If that doesn't work out, then Louis could find an affordable studio flat that probably isn't very charming compared to his old residency. If worse comes to worst, he will stay here. Living in his old childhood bedroom until luck came his way.

Although he had yet to find something that called out to him, that grabbed his interest. Couldn't stop comparing his old flat with the ones he came across on the computer screen. The square footage, the rooms, the flooring, and even the ancient old windows that needed updating. They all looked so vacant and dull, no memories were attached to any of them. Fun and loving ones that Louis had spent many nights with his mates, just hanging out, and spending time with one another. Where Niall had gushed to Louis over Donovan many, many nights. Asking him for advice and coming up with plans to grab his attention. Then there were Liam and Zayn when they'd come over it was alway nice to see them. Bickering with Liam because it was their thing and Zayn would be the mediator and step in. Then hearing about what they had going for them in their lives was always nice. But he could never forget all the good moments he had with Harry. Consoling him through his breakup with Sean and always being there for him. Making him smile and laugh any chance he could get before things took a turn for the worse. Spent many, many nights just hanging out over the years. Hearing all about Louis' relationship woes, from the little arguments here and there with Sean, to the good times and the bad.

Louis recalls some of those mid winter nights when he was about a year into dating Sean, long before he felt anything towards Harry. Telling him when he fell in love and thought his boyfriend at the time was he most wonderful human being. That he'd be there when Anne and Jay would have their Christmas eve dinner, and he thinks that he's ready to tell him soon. Tell him meant to have sex, to let Sean have all of him and take his virginity from him. Louis remembered Harry just smiled at him and said You don't have to if you're not ready yet, Lou. But his desolated eyes said otherwise, but Louis never questioned him on it. Too eager and excited of what was to come, nervous and unsure what to expect. It didn't happen until Zayn and Liam's New Year's Eve party when he whispered in Sean's ear and asked if they could leave an hour before midnight, fingers tucked into the band of his then-boyfriend trousers. Louis can never forget that dejected look Harry had on his face when he saw his friend in the sea of people as he was being led out of the crowded flat.

The thing is, Louis needed to forget those memories and just start over from scratch. Do his own thing and actually be happy for once. But it's easier said than done because his heart still wanted something he could never have. He just had a feeling, that he was going to be missing Harry for a very long time.

But, it was for the best.

"I know, mum." Louis murmured, knowing he'd have to, when he's ready, have that awkward conversation. But now wasn't that time and neither was tomorrow or the following day. He's not sure when it'll be, but as of right now, he needed to find a job more than anything.

Just gave him this half smile that was probably meant to be encouraging, but Louis could see through it. She was sad for him, unhappy that he's hurting inside and doesn't know what she can do to help. Trying her best to make him feel a little bit better about whatever it was going on in his life. He appreciated her attempts, but only if she knew what happened and there was no way to fix this.

To mend his broken heart.

"I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll always be here if you need me." Jay cooed, before she turned on her heels and opened his bedroom door. Yet, before she walked out, she looked back at him and said, "It'll be okay."

And then she was gone, shutting the door behind her on the way out. Leaving behind a downhearted Louis who swivelled his chair back around to his desk and went back to his blog. His phone rattled against his desktop and seen he had a text from Harry, the corners of Louis' lips started to slide downward as he went and deleted it. He'd seen the message preview though. I miss you so fucking much, Lou... please ring me, we need to have a talk. They don't need to say anything, don't need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Louis doesn't need to be let down even more than he'd already been, so no, he wasn't going to call him.

Why should he? There wasn't anything else left to say.

As the day carried on, Louis spent it indoors for the most part as it was raining heavily and quite windy. Too chilly for his liking. Helping his mum with some chores around the house which wasn't exactly exciting and not his favorite thing to do, but he was staying for free. It was the least he could do for his mother. Lottie and Fizzy were out with their friends as per usual, they wanted Louis to come with them because their mates wanted to hang out. When in all actuality, half of those peers were more so interested in the idea of hooking up with Lottie's older brother and fancied him. But, Louis wasn't into girls, so not much would come from any of that.

Louis had already swept the kitchen and mopped it. Dusted every surface in the damn living room and did the dishes. He got bored and quick. Taking a break and retreating back into his bedroom, and deciding that maybe he should start pulling things from his room. Stuff he'd accumulated over the years, ranging from gifts and useless clutter; CDs and written notes he's kept from his teenage years before he'd even had a cellphone. Just whatever had a memory attached to it, needed to be plucked from his life. Put it in a box and send it in the post back to Liverpool.

He started in his bedroom, pulling a box of old, dusty albums and cassette tapes from underneath his bed as he sat cross legged on the floor. Many were mix CD's that Harry had made for him when they were just teenagers, trying to actively refine Louis' music tastes from those emo bands he loved. Also, just medley of their own that they've put together and thought it was a fucking masterpiece. Ranging from Silverstein, Anberlin, Metallica, Van Halen, and so many others artists and bands. Making copies for the both of them to share and Louis had wondered if Harry still had any of his after all this time, it's been years. Louis didn't want to keep his, all he wanted to do was toss them in the box and send them on their way. Yet, he sat here for a good hour, making sure he had all of them, and there were about seven CDs and two cassettes. Both of those ancient tapes were Harry's anyway, thinking Louis would love to play those old things on his ever more prehistoric boombox. To give Motley Crue and Gun N' Roses a listen because apparently Louis had shit taste in music. He had forgotten to return them, and he's surprised Harry had never asked for them back, considering he's such a music enthusiast and all.

After those were all sorted out, Louis looked around his room for whatever else he could find, mostly little odd n' ends type of things. Classic video games he hadn't played in ages and an old navy blue beanie that Harry had let him wear one year. Louis was about Sixteen then, it was cold and frigid, and they were walking home from Niall's. Harry oh so kindly pulled it from his head and told Louis to wear it as he apparently needed it more than him. It was a bit weird thinking about it now, but whatever. Harry had done many nice things for him no one had ever done before, but that doesn't make up for the other things he did. Nothing could compare to any of those heart shattering moments.

Around midday, the rain slowed to a sprinkle and Louis found himself in the back garden, up in that rickety old tree house he hadn't been in forever. He's surprised Jay never tore it down, the girls haven't used it in years when they'd have slumber parties with their mates. Having a private conversation that wasn't meant to be shared with Louis or Jay. Or Whenever they wanted a little privacy with their boyfriends, they snuck away into it. Just like Louis used to do. Harry, Niall, and him would always hang out up in the fort whenever it was a rainy day, and they wanted to be outside. Niall and him would smoke a joint and Harry would be there just shaking his head, afraid they'd get caught by Jay. Then the other times when it was Harry and him, having a sleepover in the small cabin during those sweltering summer nights. Needing to get away from parents and having a bit of privacy. It wasn't very big, about the size of a postage stamp. Back then it was massive to them, but now? Not so much. But he remembers a lot of those times it was cozy enough for three.

It's a little more revamped then Louis had remembered, the same old christmas lights hanging from the wall Lottie had hung a while ago. Dusty old board games and decks of cards. An old tarp that they used to use for the roof whenever it was downpouring out. Battery operated telly and radio that were outworn and hadn't seen the light of day in years. It had a homey touch to it that made it what it was, the ultimate hangout spot.

But Louis didn't come up here to sulk in his distant memories of the past, no, no, he needed to find his blue shoe box. He can't remember where he stashed it amoung mess at hand, but he'll most likely will find it before the sun goes down in an hour or two.

It takes Louis up until the cusp of dusk to find the treasured item under a stack of old boxes underneath the tarp. He was so damn thankful for the lights hanging from the walls because once he opened the box, he couldn't help himself. Sitting crossed legged as he set the precious cargo in his lap, the lighting wasn't the best. Soft and dim, but it'd do. It's quiet, and the rain had long stopped a while ago, so the peacefulness was lovely and did wonders for the anxious feeling riding in his gut.

He set aside the lid and let out a little breathe, it'd been years since he's delved into these aged things. Pullied the first folded paper from the heaping pile and opened it up, the corners of his lips quirking upward.

He deserves to be put in his place, and if you let me, I'll do it. x -H

Louis remembered when Harry had passed him this note in class one morning in biology, Branden had broken up with Louis the night before. Saying some not so nice things because he wanted only one thing from him that Louis never gave away. He didn't with anyone, not until he was a year into dating Sean. Harry had wanted to give Branden a piece of his mind back then, telling him Louis wasn't some object and deserved to be respected. But, nothing ever come from that other than Harry becoming slightly more protective towards over the years whenever another a guy came along that was interested.

And as Louis sits here and reads the various notes, some that were just to him, that was between Harry and him. Then there were a couple that involved Niall. Harry, and himself too. This was way before texting had become a massive thing and Louis is just so thankful for cell phones now. Much easier to keep things private from prying eyes and faster too.

He spent about ten minutes reading and thinking back to those times. All sweet and funny memories to the sad ones. It was nostalgic, and he longed to go back to his younger days because he was happier. Wished he could go back with what he knew now, he'd me wiser and to stay away from uni and never fall for a boy names Sean at some seedy party on a Friday night. That nothing good would come from sleeping with a best mate. To not torture himself for years because he's been too much of a coward to tell Harry how he felt. That he was better off being alone then trusting someone with his heart.

If only...

It was when he was putting the lid back onto the box, the trap door to treehouse lifted open and he thought maybe it was one of his sisters coming to pester him or Jay calling him for dinner. But he wasn't expecting to see Gemma of all people climbing up into the cabin and then sitting on the wooden floor seconds later. Sat across from him and a bag in her lap, hair styled and nice clothes, wasn't she supposed to be at Niall's party?

Better yet, how did she know he was here?

"You do know I drove all the way from Liverpool to see you and yet you haven't even welcomed me, how rude." Gemma teased as she smiled. Zipping open her bag and then pulled out a tin of vanilla frosting and a spoon before hanging them over to Louis.

Louis just stared at her for a moment before taking them, opening up the sweet goodness and dipping his spoon into it. But before he could indulge himself, he wanted to know why she was here. Gemma rarely ever came to see him, they were more so texting buddies than anything. If she did come, it was either because Harry was there or something was bothering her. So he was curious as to why she wasn't back in the city.

"Thanks, Gem's." Louis muttered out, popping the spoon into his mouth. Watching her pull another can and spoon for herself, she must have stopped at the market or something on the way here. Not that it matters. "How did you know I was here?"

"Jay told me." Gemma beamed, of course, his mum would tell Gemma. He should've specified that he meant to tell no one! Great, now he had to deal with Harry's sisters pestering.

He loved Gemma like one of his own sisters, but he wasn't about to open up to her.

"You know, It's too quiet back at that bachelor flat, and I couldn't stand it any longer, just had to come see you," Gemma explained, popping the spoon into her mouth. She too had vanilla. "Harry's either working or at the gym with Liam, Niall's off with that barman he's obsessed with. It's quiet and boring without you there, honestly."

That's right, Gemma was supposed to be staying for a few days during the week for Niall's massive birthday extravaganza, which was quite strange because shouldn't she be there and not here?

Louis eyed her suspiciously for a moment as he swallowed down the sweet before he asked, "Aren't you supposed to be at Niall's party?"

Gemma just stared at him, unblinking for a moment, not even opting for another bite of icing. It made Louis feel uneasy and like there was an ulterior motive behind her gesture for coming. He could only hope he was wrong.

"Aren't you?" Gemma countered, stating the fucking obvious. "You're the one who planned it, Lou."

It's not like Louis didn't feel immensely guilty about not showing up, but he was sparing himself the heartache. He'd rather do something a little more intimate for Niall then subject himself to heartache all over again. It's selfish he knows, but Louis knows seeing Harry with Ellie again would just tear him into pieces. Last thing he needed was to feel even more dejected than he already was.

But Louis is a loss for words for now, because what can he say to that? That he is hopelessly in love with Harry and can't bare the thought him being with Ellie again, let alone watch them be together? That he's too broken over what happened on that cursed road holiday back in August?

No. Gemma wouldn't know any of that because he wasn't going to tell her anything, it's not worth it to re-encounter the searing pain.

It's silent between them for a moment, and it makes Louis' gut start to churn the longer Gemma just stares at him. There's was an inquizitive look in her eyes, and that did no help to the ill feeling festering inside him at this very moment.

"I think you should go to the party."

And there it was, the inevitable truth. The meaning of the reason why Harry's sister came to see him on the night of all nights. Louis should've been smarter, should've put the pieces together the moment she infaded his alone time. Especially so close to Niall's party that was bound to start soon.

Louis shook his head, his eyes flickered down to the can of frosting, he could no longer stomach it. Putting the lid back on and set it aside for later, the spoon too. Then there's a manicured hand on his knee giving an ever so gentle squeeze, as if to give him comfort. To say It's okay, I'm here for you. The touch was brief, but Louis could feel the piercing gaze lingering on him, he was almost afraid to meet her eyes. Scared he'd crack under pressure and reveal things he hadn't meant to share.

"He misses you, you know... a lot," Gemma mentioned, her voice soft and warm. "Hoping you'd show up tonight."

Louis sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, and still not meeting Gemma's eyes. If Harry truly wanted to see him, he would've come days ago. Would've dropped everything to find him, and yet where is he? Not here. So apparently he doesn't care that much Louis had been gone now that he finally had his girlfriend back. Louis wanted to believe Gemma, he did. But, how could he when Harry can't even prove it to him?

Sure, Louis told Jay to tell Harry that he wasn't here or available, but he could've tried. Not given up so easily and just wishing upon a star or relaying a message through Gemma he wanted Louis to come back to Liverpool. It's just heartwrenching the more he even thinks about it.
"Well I'm not going back," Louis started to say finally snapping his gaze back up to Gemma who also stopped chomping away at the icing. "Not until I figure things out."

Gemma furrowed her brows, thinking for a moment, and then inquired, "What do you mean, figure things out?

"Just trivial matters, really. Nothing that concerns you, love." Louis didn't want to explain himself, certainly not about his decision to move to Gemma, Harry's sister. Who could go off and blabber about it to the world before he had the chance to drop the bombshell to his mates when he was ready. "Also, by the time I even get there the party would be almost half over with, so it's not even worth it."

"So? Doesn't mean you can show face... besides, it's better than sitting alone on a Friday night doing absolutely nothing."

"Maybe I like doing nothing." Louis retorted, feeling a little defensive of his reasonings of not going to that damn party. He just wished Gemma would drop and leave it alone. But, that's just wishful thinking, and Louis knows it.

"Maybe I prefer you to come and have a nice time, instead of being a lonely old bastard with a stick up his ass." Gemma teased, her arms now crossed and head tilted ever so slightly. Eyebrows raised as if to prove a point.

"You think you're so funny, don't you?" Louis rolled his eyes trying to bite back the smile wanting to break free. But he doesn't give Gemma the satisfaction as it comes out more like a poor excuse of a smirk and it probably doesn't make sense to her. "I happen to like the loneliness, thank you very much."

Gemma just blinked at him for a moment and said, "If you truly think I'm that dense then you need a reality check, Lou."

"Well I do, nothing wrong with spending time alone, you know self care. Ever heard of it?" Louis knows he's kind of being a dick, but he just wants Gemma to stop asking him. Pestering him why he's not in Liverpool and spending time in an old rickety tree house instead. "I get it, you want me to go to the party, but I can't."

Gemma sighed heavily, she was probably feeling slightly annoyed with his constant brushing off, but whatever. Louis wasn't going, no matter what anyone said about it.

"You don't need to get so defensive around me, you know."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are. Something clearly bothering you so much that you won't even give it a thought to come home." Gemma proceeded to scold him, great just what he needed. "I may not speak for my brother, but I'm pretty damn sure he wants you there."

"Does he?" Louis rhetorically asked, if Harry truly wanted him at Niall's party tonight he would be here instead of Gemma.

It fell quiet between them for a few moments, and Louis just thumbed at the frayed inseam of his trousers. The chilliness in the cool air was starting to make Louis uncomfortable and was eager to head inside. Take a nice warm bath and indulge in a film and some Tumblr before the night ends. That'd be perfect and yet... Gemma wasn't budging from her spot, he could feel her eyes just burning on him, and he was almost afraid to look her in the eye after their little spat. Terrified she'll see through the facade he's put up.

There's a hand on his leg once again, and Gemma broke the silence, "If not for him, then do it for you."

Louis gnawed on his bottom lip, guilt starting to creep heavily on his heart at that settiment that cut straight through him and left a sting afterwards. She wasn't wrong, he needed to be there and relish in the festivities. Be a good mate that schoomez with the nights guest list and kiss Niall on the cheek and a squeezing hug. Be good and be happy. To bicker with Liam about trivial things and listen to Zayn's troubles. Niall gushing to him over his wonderful date with Donovan and that night they left the pub together hand in hand. Louis should be there to face the music and deal with whatever Harry was going to throw his way. He should be a good mate if anything, suck it up for one night and leave first thing in the morning before there's any movement in his flat... well was his home.

But what if Ellie's there? What if she pulls Louis aside or corners him on the balcony like Zayn did and rub it in his face that she won. That at the end of the day Harry would never return his love because all he needed was her.

It made Louis' heartache when he thinks of that moment because he knows it's in the realm of possibility. That woman had it out for him since the beginning, maybe not the first or second or third night they were around one another. But it was sometime when Louis came out of hiding and shown his face, not totally open, but enough to put on a brave face and be cordial with the new girl. It started with a dirty look here and there whenever Harry and him had any sort of physical contact or spent too much time together. Then that escalated to snide remarks and backhanded compliments then low and behold threats to this and that. It doesn't make any fucking sense to Louis why in the hell Harry even liked her, she's ferocious.

Not like it mattered anyway, clearly he was happy with her.

Yet, despite his ill feeling toward the thought of sharing a crowded room with the couple, he knew it'd be best to just give in.

Maybe if he put a bulwark in front of his already existing walls around his heart maybe he could get through this without wanting to break into a million pieces. Avoid Harry at all costs because that's the only way he knows that'll keep him grounded through the night. It may hurt him to do so, but at the end of the day he needed to do what was best for himself.

"Okay, I'll go." Louis murmured, snapping his eyes back up to Gemma who was now beaming. "Just give me a few moments to get ready, okay?"

"Thank god, I was about to literally drag you there, Lou." Gemma would totally do that. "Take all the time you need, I'll be inside with Jay when you're ready. Just don't take too long, mister."

"Fuck off." Lous snapped, but it was more playful banter than anything.

Gemma just smirked before put the sweets and spoons back into her bag and left Louis to his sanctuary. Knowing he would need a moment before heading inside to change his clothes and fix his hair.

"This better not be a mistake." He muttered under his breath before he hid his box of notes back under the tarp.

When he'd went back inside and traded his basic jumper in for a simple black fitted one, Louis wasted no time trying to perfect his look. His heart was in his throat when he messed with hsi soft fringe in the mirror, debating on throwing on a beanie for an extra layer of protection against what's to come, yet he decided to go with out. Not wasting any more time before he headed out the door with Gemma, not even bothering to take an overnight bag as he had clothes back at Liverpool.

The first half hour into the ride to the city was fraught Louis would say, the background music from the radio did no help at all. Gemma tried to keep the conversation flowing between them, which would normally be something so flawless and simple, yet now it was tense and dull. Whenever she'd starting chatting away about her colleagues or about this one guy she's seeing, Louis would occasionally comment to not come off as rude. It wasn't his fault though, he had far too much on his mind, and his anxieties were through the roof the closer they got to that damn birthday party.

He hadn't touched his mobile once, too focused on the road ahead of them, the passing traffic down the motorway, and rain starting to patter against the windscreen. His phone did buzz against his thigh not once, but twice. He didn't dare look at it, maybe later tonight when he's alone in his room. Having a feeling, it's either Harry or Sean trying to reach out to him, and it scares him to even think about replying right now. Not when he's already doing something so brave that's making his palms feel clammy, and his jumpster started to feel itchy. He would stress over those messages later whenever everything is all said and done.

When they finally pulled into the nearly filled carp park to Zayn and Liam's building an hour and a half later, Louis felt a bit faintish. Like he could barely move and couldn't find his strength to step out of the car. Yet, he undid his belt and swallowed the lump forming in the back of his throat, Gemma was already opening the door for him with impatience written across her face. Slowly sliding out of the car and headed inside the building with her.

Niall's party was never meant to end up at Zayn and Liam's place, originally it was supposed to be at a private room in one of the fancier clubs. They were going to have a dj spin that list of musicians tracks that Louis had carefully created with Harry and Donovan. Then there was supposed be catered food and a massive red velvet cake. But those plans fell through as they all came short of coming up with the money and all the rooms they tried to reserve were already booked. It may not be this amazing extravaganza like Louis had promised, But whatever, he abandoned his duties days ago, so hopefully, Zayn and Liam picked up the slack. They're amazing at parties.

When they finally made it up to Liam and Zayn's floor, Louis could feel himself starting to sweat as Gemma stepped in front of landing outside Liam's flat. Swallowing down his worries when they head inside to the crowded room and loud music.

Gemma had long disappeared into the slew of people, leaving behind Louis to fend for himself which was fine. Maybe if he camouflages himself a little in the middle of the revelers, Harry wouldn't even notice him. Maybe... hopefully. But he had a feeling Gemma would break the news to her brother sooner or later that Louis was back.

Louis sighed, rearranging his fringe as he looked across the sea of people, mostly the crowd centred in the middle of the living room. Some familiar faces, some not. Mostly A mix of colleagues and Niall's old uni friends. Kind of surprising he hadn't spotted Zayn or Liam immersed in the crowd, Niall too. In fact, he didn't see any of his mates face among the masses. In a sense, he knows he needed to go find Niall and wish him a happy birthday because if he didn't that'd just make him into an arsehole. Showing up to a best mates party only to ignore them, yeah Louis' not that damn cruel.

After about a moment he started to get hot and slightly frustrated when someone stumbled into him, stepping on his toes. Needing to step away for a moment and he did, finding himself step into the kitchen and nearly stopped in his tracks when he sees him. Leaning against the countertop, swallowing down a beer, and nodding along to whatever Liam told him. Louis' heart clenched in his chest as he stood there and watched his mates for a moment... or more so Harry. Thankful for the kitchen being congested enough to shield him from being spotted.

Louis watched for a moment longer, stepping to the side a little to let someone stumble by and noticing Harry pulling out his phone as Liam continued to talk. There's a slight frown touching his lips as he stared at the screen before he pockets away his mobile and carries on to whatever Liam's on about. Louis wanted to know what caused the look on Harry's face and why he looked quite sad.

Was Ellie not able to come tonight? Are they arguing? Or was this something entirely different?

Louis wanted to march over there and get answers to his nosey questions. Do whatever it took to make Harry smile and get his mind off whatever it was, but he can't. He's not going to allow himself to sucked back into an old routine where he sat on the sidelines for the next few years continuously going through heartache.

He just glanced down for a moment and let out a breath, wondering if he should go find the birthday boy, maybe he'd pick Louis' mood off the floor. After all, he's sure Niall was dying to tell him everything that's happened with the hearthrob.

Yet, before Louis even had a second to turn on his heels when he felt the weight of something on the small of his back, nearly making him flinch. Glanging up and nearly choking when he locks eyes with Harry through the crowd of faces for a moment before his eyes landed onto the culprit at hand who was there next to him.

"You actually came," Zayn commented rather loudly over the mixture of music and voices. He had a beer bottle in his hand and amazement sat on his face probably because Louis had come out from hiding. Not that it was surprising. "Everything's been okay?"

Louis was astounded, so fucking gobsmacked that the first thing Zayn even asked him was if he was alright. If life was treating him well and not scolding him for being a reclusive dick that avoided his mates at all costs. But Louis will say it was nice to see a familiar face, maybe Zayn could keep him company for a while. Any chance to avoid being alone with Harry he would take it because he wasn't about to make himself even more miserable.

"Just under quite a bit of stress, really, nothing to worry about. " It wasn't necessarily a lie, but it was all he was telling Zayn. Not even wanting to let Zayn ask another question about his wellbeing, Louis added "Anywho, how's Jinx? Haven't seen the little guy in ages."

Zayn stared openly at Louis for a moment before he shook his head and gestured toward the balcony with a nod, his touch no longer on Louis back, but was now on his wrist and pulled him towards the sliding doors through the crowd. Louis couldn't help himself when he glanced over his shoulder and locked eyes with the curly haired beauty once more who was still entertaining Liam. It lasted for a maybe a second or two, but it felt like forever before he disappeared into the cool night air.

Louis moved to lean against the railing, Zayn beside him who was sipping on his ale, and Louis could feel those eyes on him. His mate had something on his mind, and it did no help to Louis worries. Something in his gut was screaming at him to go back inside and avoid whatever this was at all costs, but the thing was he felt almost paralyzed at the feeling of being watched. Zayn wasn't lighting up a cigarette or going on about his cat. His friend was more than likely seeking truth.

And Louis doesn't blame him if he does.

"Why did you leave?" Zayn broke the silence between them.

It was quiet out on the balcony other than the muffles of songs being played from inside. Louis was just so thankful it was super chilly or raining for the matter, that was an upside for sure.

Of fucking course...

Louis clutched onto the railing ever so slightly as he glanced down to the carpark for a moment, trying to think of an excuse. Knowing Zayn would have to buy into the whole self care thing, right? Because there was simply no other way to explain himself without sounding like a world class knobhead.

He flicked his gaze back to his mate who was downing more of the beer in his hand, and Louis just took an easy breath. He then stated, "I already told you it was stress."

Zayn furrowed his brows and shook his head, letting out a huff. Apparently not too pleased with the answer, but oh well. Louis doesn't need to tell Zayn a single thing because as far as he's concerned, it's no one's business but his own.

"And you expect me to believe that?" Zayn enquired tartly, his brows pinched together as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Stop bullshitting and tell me what's really going on."

Louis gnawed on his nether lip, unsure what to really tell his mate right now. It's not that he wouldn't love to just tell someone and spill his heart out. It wasn't the right time or place. For starters, Harry could come waltzing out any minute and catch wind of their conversation and not only that, but news spreads fast within their social circle. So Louis would rather not and just tried to think of something and fast.

There was a cool gust of wind that blown past them, causing Louis to shiver knowing pretty soon he'd have to break out his jacket. But right now that's the least of his worries as he's got someone breathing down his neck.

"I needed to see my family, Z." It was the best Louis could come up with, and it was partly true, he misses the girls and Jay. He barely saw them as it was in the past, so it was nice to actually spend some time with his family back home. Hopefully, Zayn takes the bait and leave it as that because Louis wanted to just stop talking about it.

Zayn didn't say anything and just looked at him, not even bringing his beer to his lips, his eyes searching Louis' face as if to figure out if he's fibbing or not. Zayn may not be one of his mates that's known him practically all his life, but the man knew him well enough by now to know when something isn't adding up. Louis just hoped and prayed he could play him own self off enough that Zayn believe that things are okay and he was just a little homesick.

But the next thing that comes out of his mouth nearly put Louis into cardiac arrest.

"Because of Harry, right?"

Louis was speechless, utterly wordless and felt like a deer caught in the headlights. He wasn't expecting that to leave his friends mouth. Nor had he prepared to come up with something to say because what the fuck does he do?

Zayn knows, he fucking knows that he left and ignored everyone because of Harry. It terrifies Louis to no end that his friend picked up on this and worries him entirely that it'll all be exposed. That Zayn won't leave him be until he sought the full truth behind all the lies. Louis doesn't blame him, really, because his absence didn't do justice for his lies when it came to ignoring everyone completely. He really should have come up with a better lie on the way there because Gemma didn't talk his ear off nor chatted a whole lot.

Fucking, of course, he should've known better.

Louis tried to open his mouth and address a denial, but nothing came out. HIs heart was shaking, and that hard look his mate was giving him made him feel uneasy.

As if someone could sense Louis needed a saving grace, the sliding door slid open, and Liam popped his head out. "Baby-" Liam started to say until his eyes fell onto Louis, "Oh, You actually came! Missed ya, bud. But I'll catch up with you later because Niall's about to blow out his candles, so come in before you miss it!"

Then the door shut and Zayn attention was on him like he was waiting for an answer, but after a moment he just sighed and took a drink of his beer before turning on his heels and headed back inside the warm flat.

Louis just ran a tired hand over his face and felt himself starting to tremble all over as he reluctantly left his safe haven and stepped back inside.

He found himself hovering around the designated dessert table that had various sweets treats ranging from biscuits to brownies. Cupcakes with green and orange frosting and that massive three-tier red velvet cake at the end where Niall was standing with the biggest fucking grin he could muster as everyone gathered around the table. Especially when his eyes landed on Louis when he appeared moments ago and gave him a thumbs up. Donovan was there right beside Niall positively beaming and Louis that he caught a glimpse of a hand on the small of Niall's back.

He's out of the loop for sure and knows once NIall had a moment he'd pull Louis aside and gush. Maybe he even reprimands him from ignoring all his texts and calls. But at least he looked happy tonight.

Liam had his arm around Zayn's waist as his boyfriend lit the sparkling candles on the cake. Louis knows he should've gotten a closer spot to be more supportive, yet the crowd was a little thick to make his way through, and everyone was already singing happy birthday to him. Everyone except Louis himself when he felt something prod him on the side and warm breath fanning along his ear.

"I missed you so fucking much," Harry whispered, and Louis felt like he couldn't even breathe. He wasn't expecting this at all and was so caught off guard and snapped his gaze up at his best mate. Not even paying any attention to whatever was going on with Niall and his cake.

Louis swallows hard, here harry was standing beside him alone, curiosity dancing around in his eyes. His arms slack at his sides, and he was alone. Ellie wasn't beside him or near him, he wasn't giving anyone else attention, it was all on Louis. He felt like he was about to pass out because what does he say to that?

Originally he had prepared to ignore Harry at all costs through the night to spare himself the heartache. Not giving an ounce of himself to this man before him that makes him miserable with all these mixed signals. Yet, here he was feeling cemented at the feet and unable to properly word things or more less speak especially with the way Harry was watching him intently.

Then Harry tries again, but this time the careful words cut straight into Louis deeply. "Walk with me to my car?"

Louis knows that nothing good would come from that, knowing full well that did not mean a little fun trip to the vehicle in the car park. This meant we need to talk, and we need to do it now, and Louis wasn't ready for that. Not prepared in the slightest because he's already having enough trouble as it was trying to defend himself from Zayn's inquisitiveness. Gemma breaking him down so he'd come tonight and now Harry who'd been trying to reach him for days now. This was fucking painful and excruciating because the way Harry was just staring at him with hints of guilt in his eyes did no justice for his heart.

He's going to break the news again, let it be known that Ellie was, in fact, his girlfriend, and what they did back at the hotel can't happen again. Louis remembers that night he was blindsided knowing how much it hurt and that he felt as if he couldn't breathe. Spent his night silently sobbing wondering how things could get any worse before packing a bag so he could go back to Doncaster for a while.

Yet, Louis doesn't want to relive that night all over again, especially not for his best friends birthday party. It's bad enough he's been gone, and he doesn't need to be reminded that he would never be relationship material because all he was good at was being a decent lay. Louis just can't do that to himself. He can't.

Harry opened his mouth more than likely about to say something until Louis felt an arm abruptly around his shoulder and bubbly irish accent in his ear. "Lou! You're actually fucking here, god I miss ya!" Niall pulled Louis close, and Louis felt a stinging in his chest when he sees the downward falter on Harry's lips for a moment. " 've got loads to tell you, mate!"

And before he could even protest or Harry could so he could have that talk with Louis, Niall whisked him away. Not breaking the contact between them as his best mate lead them into Zayn and Liam's bedroom that was vacant and dark. Nial flipped on the light and shut the door behind him before he grabbed Louis by the shoulders and just beamed at him.

"Still can't believe you came after all this time you've ignored me, god... I can't believe how much I missed you." Niall zestfully, slightly shaking Louis. "It's been too damn quiet here without ya, can't even have a proper telly binge-athon because some people are too tired all the time to stay up with me."

Louis just mustered up a smile the best to his ability, it was nice to see Niall especially when he's in such a wonderful mood.

"At first I was pissed that you went ghost on all of us, but damn I can't stay cross with you for too long I love ya too much." Niall added, shaking Louis even more before he stopped that nonsense and pulled Louis into an embrace. It was brief and tight, it made Louis feel warm inside. It made him feel better. When Niall pulled back far enough, he cupped Louis' cheeks and squished them like a small child and pressed a wet kiss to his forehead. " Don't you leave us again like that, Lou. Was afraid you ran away or kidnapped."

Louis rolled his eyes when Niall pulled away from his affectionate touch, but his expression was soft. Niall was truly one of his good friends, and he'd never want him to feel like he's been banished from his life. Hell no. Louis may feel a little penitent that he had been a negligent friend for a while especially since Niall or Liam and Zayn did nothing wrong to deserve such a treatment. At least he's here and in a way thankful Gemma did show up and drag him here or else he wasn't sure how much longer he'd keep putting off the visit back. Hopefully, when he goes back to his mother's tomorrow morning, everything would be sorted out. Maybe he'll eventually figure out a way to tell Niall and Harry that he's moving.

Hopefully...

"Okay, okay, Nialler settle down, alright?" Louis scolded teasingly, smoothing out his top that gotten bunched up from Niall's dramatic arse. "It's not like I'm dead, I just needed some me time is all. Nothing to worry about."

"I'm just glad you're finally back because let me tell you, Donovan finally, fucking finally asked me to be his. Can you believe it, Lou?!" Niall squealed, he was radiating and glowing all over it was the happiest Louis had ever seen him in years. Possibly ever. "I've years for this and when he kissed me- ugh I wanted to melt into a pile of goo."

Louis felt the corners of his lips starting quirk upward as Niall started to gush about everything that's happened since he's been gone. Mostly about his epic love story that finally came to life thanks to that night at the pub where they had one too many drinks. Oh yes, Niall told Louis that they had went back to Donovan's flat, and one thing led to another before they found themselves in bed together and then the next morning Donovan told him they were doing this all backward as they were supposed to go on a date first. They kissed a lot and Niall had come clean to Donovan about being single and that he made up a fake boyfriend to make him jealous. Donovan understood completely and was just so happy Niall told the truth. Then Donovan admitted that he fancied Niall from the moment he laid eyes on him, but did not know if he was available or even liked guys. That he wasn't even Niall's type either. But Niall kissed him again, and the rest was history after that.

It made Louis heart soar at the story because Niall finally had the guy after pining for Don for years and doing whatever it took to grab his attention. Louis was just so glad that everything worked out in his friend's favor and that Donovan was just so understanding. Louis wished them the best.

"I just... It's still surreal that he's liked me this whole time. I've been trying to tell you for days now." Niall commented, seemingly a little calmer now that he got it all out of his system.

"He's a good guy, and I definitely approve of him," Louis thought Donovan was perfect for his mate and was glad things worked out. "Still can't believe you slept with him when here I thought you wanted to go slow with him all this time."

He could see a slight coloring on Niall's cheeks as he glanced down for a moment timidly before he shifted his eyes back up to Louis. "I did too until I realized how badly I wanted to get into his pants when we were alone." Niall chuckled, still flushed as ever. "Which by the way he's good in bed, real good."

"At least your satisfied, he could've been the worse lay of your life, thank god that all worked out." Louis quipped, trying to mask his sullen heart as much as he could with jokes and smiles hoping his mate would buy into all of it. Be happy for his friend and not put any more attention onto his own feelings and choices in life. This day was about the birthday boy after all.

"Happy birthday, by the way, Nialler." Louis cooed, pulling his friend close once again, this time being the one to squeeze him tight. " 'm sorry I haven't been a good mate lately, but I swear I didn't forget."

Niall pulled Louis in a little tighter before they broke free from one another, Niall smoothed out his top. Louis was hopeful that now that the water was under the bridge with not only Niall but with Zayn and Liam too, maybe he can actually try to enjoy himself. He had hoped that Harry would be at a distance and not trying to strike up any chance he got to pull Louis aside and have a heart to heart.

Louis was the one to put his arm around Niall's shoulder and lead him toward the bedroom door. "So where's this boyfriend of yours I need to give him a proper talking to." Louis jested at the cliche overprotective friend chat whenever their mate started dating a new person. "Because I'll be damn if he hurts a single hair on that pretty head of yours."

Niall just giggled and shook his head, at least he was smiling, so that was good. "What would I do without ya, Lou?." Niall said easily before they disappeared out the door and into the masses.

When they joined back into the festivities, Louis tried his best to be social as he normally would when it came to parties or events. Niall and him parting ways when Donovan came along and pulled him away from Louis. Which was fine and at some point Louis himself engulfed in a conversation with a man named Antonio that had just started at the pub a few days ago saying he was surprised Donovan invited him along to his boyfriends party, yet was happy to come because he felt accepted among his colleagues and that Niall was loads of fun. Then he went on to tell Louis about his life story that he had a pomeranian names Paisley that was his pride and joy. Antonio was also a part-time groomer that worked at a pet salon on top being a barman and he loved it. He talked about how his on-and-off again boyfriend is a travel agent. Louis conversated easily with the man, as he sipped away at some beer he grabbed from the cooler a while ago. But the thing was, was that even when he was standing here having a chat with someone, he couldn't help it when he glanced off to the side for a moment. Louis felt as if someone staring or at least glaring at him from across the room.

And his suspicions were correct when his eyes caught with someone through the crowd. Harry was by the balcony doors, leaning against the wall, and woefulness sat on his face. His eyes dull and his expression slack, Louis hated everything about it. He never liked to see Harry upset or sad it tugged at his already frayed heartstrings, and yet he knows his mate had nothing to be sad about. Harry finally had his girlfriend back and back everything she left with.

Louis ripped his eyes away feeling he'd been watching for too long and finished hearing out whatever Antonio had to say. He wasn't going to allow himself to give any attention to Harry for the rest of the night.

However... It was easier said than done because every time Louis went and chatted with another reveler or with his closest mates, he felt eyes on him. Being an idiot and staring right back and it was painful because it wasn't just the doleful expression it was the attempt of a smile that killed Louis inside. When they locked eyes for a moment too long that the corners of Harry's lips slowly quirked upward only to fall when it wasn't returned or when Louis looked away for a moment to break whatever it was going on and then glanced back. It wasn't just that either, whenever Harry tried to approach him, Louis tried to distance himself even more, walking away or ignoring the fingers cradling his wrist when he was lingering around the cooler. Harry begging Louis to talk because apparently hadn't a clue what he did wrong and that he wanted answers. But Louis just ignored him and pulled from his gentle grip and walked away, it hurt to do it, but it had to be done.

It seemed like the party lasted for ages, and Louis was exhausted, ready to sleep this night away because he couldn't wait for it to be over. Yet, he knew once people started to clear out slowly as time wore on that it wasn't officially over even if the last intoxicated guest left stumbling out. They always had an after-party, and Louis was dreading that the most.

Now there definitely won't be any distractions or vices to keep him busy or away from his tucked away feelings. It'll just be the six of them, and it makes Louis nervous because now Harry will definitely try to do whatever it took to get his attention. Especially with Zayn pretty much tipsy and Liam tending to his boyfriend. Gemma, she left an hour ago with some guy he never seen before. Donovan and Niall were inseparable, attached at the hip practically and Louis remembers that puppy love feeling all too well when he was with Sean. So really that just left Louis and Harry and yeah...

It fucking sucks.

Louis is sat at the kitchen table with Harry, Zayn, Liam and Donovan who had Niall on his lap. Drinking the last of the beers in the cooler and Niall just happily going on about how great this day had been while Liam was caressing the back of Zayn's neck. Louis hated the fact he was sat across from Harry and tried his damnedest to not stare at him so much.

"But the best part of the night was when you showed up, Lou. Seriously didn't realize how much I missed your cheeky arse," Niall quipped, his fingers caressing at Donovan's shoulder. "Tomorrow we definitely need to have a lads night."

"I second that." Liam's voice flew across the table, and Zayn nodded.

"Maybe we could have a film marathon as I know you love those," Harry added in his own two cents, but Louis didn't look him in the eyes because he couldn't. Just stared down at his half empty beer bottle instead, slowly tapping his fingers against the cool glass. "Maybe even go for a little bit of bowling too."

"Oh, that'd be so fucking sick! I don't leave for my flight in a few days so that'll be perfect so I'm not hungover for the flight. Niall chuckled. "Shit we could also get our own booze and have drinks with the movies."

"Sounds good to me," Zayn commented, and Louis could feel the guilt starting to get bigger by the second. It fucking sucked because he knows he owes it to them.

"I'm in!" Liam chimed in, and Louis felt like he was going to throw up. "I've got the night off."

He needed to tell them and get it over with. They all sounded so happy to make these plans for tomorrow evening yet without even asking Louis if he would be up to it. Just assuming he'd tag along and be there. Expecting him to not be the fifth or sixth, but the seventh wheel. As he's sure, Ellie and Donovan would be there. That's just not something that appealed to him especially since he had more stressing matters to take care of. Like finding a damn flat and new job, so he'd much rather do all that than suffer through one night while everyone else had someone. Yeah, no thanks.

Yet it still didn't feel like the right time to bring it up, not when everyone was joyous of his return, and he'd much prefer to do this with his flatmates alone first. It'd be a dick thing to do just announcing it over drinks without even asking Harry and Niall how they felt. Then again would Harry really care? After all, he was the last to know about when Harry was going to leave.

"How does that sound, Lou?" Niall asked excitedly, it made Louis feel awful. He never liked to make any of his mates sad, but what can he do?

Louis swallowed hard and dragged his eyes back up, scanning over all his mate's faces, even meeting with Harry's eyes for a split second before they were on Niall. Rubbing one of his hands down his leg of his trousers because hands started to feel a bit clammy. The room felt slightly warmer than it was seconds ago and all Louis wanted to do was run away from his problems. Dash away from disappointing his mates and never look back, that's all he wanted more than anything right now. Yet, he can't make himself do such a thing because they're all staring at him with hopeful eyes and Harry's got this ghost of a smile on his lips.

Curse Gemma for dragging him here, fucking hell this could have all been avoided if he never came around.

"I-" Louis paused trying to think of how he was going to soften the blow as best as he could without sounding like a total dickhead for ditching out on them once again. His eyes shifting between them all before landed back on Harry, and his heart leapt. "I can't, going back to Donny first thing in the morning."

Louis hated it when the slight beaming on Harry's lips slipped, and the shine vanished from his eyes. He wanted to get it back and never see it go away again. Louis wanted to slap himself round the head for even thinking this way as he breaks his eyes contact and stares at Zayn who just looked disappointed. It pained Louis to know he let down the most important people in his life, utterly crushed him. It fucking hurt.

"But you just got back, you can't leave again," Niall whined, and Liam seemed to be on the same page nodding along with those words. "We all fucking missed you loads, and I can't stand how quiet our flat is without you, it's awful."

Louis flicked his gaze down to his beer once again, feeling ashamed he couldn't even come clean to his own friends. Sick to his stomach because he was letting them down once again and it was the worst feeling in the world right now.

"Lads night isn't even the same, you're the one that keeps us together," Liam stated, and Louis wondered how true those words are. "We really want you to be there tomorrow night, Louis."

He gnawed on his bottom lip, feeling his phone buzz against his thigh, but ignores it for now. Now was not the time to deal with whoever was trying to get ahold of him. His stomach was utter chaos right now, and all he wanted to do was go back to his old bed to hide under the covers until dawn.

"We can do whatever you want, just please- we don't want you to drop off the face of the earth again." Donovan decided to speak up this time as if he'd really care if Louis was there to hang out for one night. His attention would all be on Niall anyway, but maybe he was doing this for his boyfriend's sake or Louis' just being a fucking asshole and thinking lowly because he's trying dodge all the bullets coming his way, so he doesn't get guilt tripped into going out tomorrow.

"Donovan's right, we don't want you to not talk with this us for days on end without even knowing what we did wrong." Liam agreed.

All this was making Louis slightly frustrated and upset because none of them did anything. No one did except for the man across from him that didn't even fucking acknowledge the fact Louis' heart was already on a fine line before he fucked Louis and left. It infuriated him and just wanted to shout it out why he left and clear the air. Wanting to tell Harry it was messed up how he took advantage of him and pretended like nothing happened because of how much it fucking hurt him.

And he doesn't understand why Harry can't see that he's hurting? That his heart had been in pain for years now and it aches whenever he watched him be with her. That he can't even acknowledge the fact, Louis is so fucking in love with him.

It just made Louis blood boil, and he just can't do this right now.

Letting out a huff he finally snapped his gaze once again back up to the group before he protested, "You know what? I don't feel like fucking doing this right now," He pushed out his chair and got to his feet and let out a heavy breath. "I'm so damn tired, and all I want to do is go lay down so please leave me alone and stop trying pressure me into hanging out tomorrow."

It was all stunned looks across the table like they couldn't even believe what came out of Louis' mouth. Normally he'd be happy to tag along with whatever his mates wanted to do if it involved going away for the night or socializing. But the thing was none of them understand what going on and that no amount of partying and drinking could make him feel better. It was just better that he wasn't even there to suck the life out of it. Not only that but he didn't want to relive history.

And he'll be honest, he felt awful for snapping at all of them.

"I'm sorry... I just- I can't." Louis' voice nearly cracked and pushed himself away from the table before he quickly tailed it out of the quiet flat, shutting the door on his way out.

The walk back to his old flat was a dreary one, head hung low, kicking at the loose gravel or rocks that were in his path. Feeling like utter crap and not mention he was starting to feel a bit cold. His phone ignored out of protest because it's already went off twice since he'd left. Someone was trying to ring him, and he had an inkling it had to do with his mates back at Liam and Zayn's. Yet, he couldn't deal with that right now, he needed to get away.

By the time he'd arrive at his flat a little while later (Zayn's place was a bit far) the first thing he did was head into his room. Shut the door behind him and flipped on his light to a clean space which was not exactly how he'd left things in a panic when he went to Doncaster. The garments that never made it to the train with him weren't scattered on the floor, and his bed was made. The water bottle that was on his bedside table gone.

Did someone tidy up his room while he was gone?

Louis stood there for a moment before he his eyes landed on a navy blue holdall sat on his desk chair. Then it hit him that Gemma must've been staying in his room and cleaned it out of sheer boredom. Not that he minded, Harry's sister was always welcome to take his room whenever she was around, he trusted her. Not only that, but he knew Gemma would never invade his privacy so this was fine.

But he hoped that for the rest of the night Gemma would stay over at whoever that guy she left with, he just wanted to wanted his space from the world. Not resorting to the sofa or one of his mate's bed. He needed to be alone and not somewhere that makes him feel things or try to get him to open up.

What Louis should do is undress and crawl bed, try to sleep this night away. Yet something in him was screaming at him to start plucking more things from his room. To fit as much as he could into his actual suitcase that was tucked under his bed that hadn't seen the light of days in years. Never liked to carry around that bulky thing and only pulled it out when he needed more than a week's worth of clothes. Which was hardly ever. Yet if he does this now before he settles down he won't have to worry about it the morning. Not only that... but we he comes back for the rest of his things later on it'll be less to pack.

Louis slinked down to his knees on the side he normally does not sleep on and reached for his luggage. Tossing the ancient thing onto the bed and back on his feet, and open it up. Then goes back to his wardrobe and pulled everything off the hangers.

It took Louis a matter of minutes to clear out of everything and tossed haphazardly onto his bed. At least now when he's back home, he'll have a little more variety than wearing the same four outfits, which got old real quick.

After he closed his vacant wardrobe shut Louis started with his trousers and joggers, folding them neatly as he could. He was going to try and get it all to fit because he wasn't about to leave it all behind as he wasn't sure when he'd come back to get them.

It could be days, weeks, or even a month before he had the heart to gather the rest of his things and leave it all behind.

Louis was in the middle of finishing up packing away his jeans when he heard a light knock against his door before it opened. His eyes glance up to whoever decided to come bother him and felt as if all the air in his lungs vanished. Feeling like he was about to choke because there was no way he was making a getaway. Not when Harry's standing there in the doorway and folded papers in his hand.

Just fucking fantastic.

"Hey you," Harry murmured out, the corners of his lips quirked up, and his eyes soft. Taking a few steps into the room and his eyes scanning over his face. Louis could feel Harry's eyes go from his eyes to his lips.

The moment between them hung quiet and still, Louis unsure what to do with himself as he gazes into those beautiful green eyes. Harry's takes a few steps closer, and the room was already starting to feel suffocating. Louis needed to pack his shit and leave, get the hell away from whatever Harry came to tell him. Now wasn't the right time for them to talk and he certainly didn't want his night to be ruined even more. So, he just flicked his gaze back down to the task at hand and continued on with his packing.

Yet he can feel himself under the gaze of Harry's eyes, and it weighs him down. Like he's trying to whip it all out in a matter of minutes and yet every time he folded or smoothed out a garment he could feel his muscles starting to get a little quivery and his heart palpitating. Faint and nauseous.

This can't... they can't- Louis can't do this right now!

And as if Harry could send his uneasiness he spoke up once more and asked, "Are we okay?"

How dare he come into Louis' bedroom and ask him if things between them were okay. Did he not remember what happened the day after they had sex? That he didn't even think to tell Louis he wanted to get back with Ellie? Or even thought for a moment that the reason he'd been gone was because of him?

It's just damn frustrating and annoying that Harry can't even see it. It's tiring and Louis was fucking over it.

He snapped his gaze back up to his mate and retorted, "What do you think?" it was curt and bitter. Louis wanted him to feel it and understand that no, they aren't fucking okay. They'll never be okay after all this hot mess of a friendship they've had.

They should've never slept together because maybe then he would have ever been in a constant state of vulnerability.

Louis tried to go back to packing his suitcase, yet Harry wasn't budging and not giving him any sort of time alone. Not leaving the bedroom and respect Louis' feelings, just sticking around like he was waiting for Louis to relax a little and then talk.

It made Louis even more irritated.

"If you'd just talk to me instead of stop icing me out then maybe we could fix this," Harry advised, and Louis wanted to scoff. What was their even left to mend? He'd love to know because no amount of apologies can make him feel better. "I want to know where we went wrong."

Where they went wrong? Right because this was Louis fault too and not just Harry's. Louis wasn't the one who started dating someone behind his back and not say a damn word to the person you were sleeping with at the time. Didn't fuck him the night before and act like it never happened the morning after. It's so bloody infuriating that Harry had never thought for a moment that maybe Louis is in fucking pain. Hurting so much that he can't even bottle it all up anymore to stick around for a few more years. It's like Harry doesn't even know him.

"Where we went wrong, right." Louis mockingly said under his breath, folding the last pair of his jeans and setting them in his suitcase.

"Lou-"

"Don't." Louis snapped, his gaze back on Harry. "Just- don't."

Harry stands there motionless and silent, the tension in the air so thick Louis couldn't almost stand it. He felt smothered in it and like he couldn't even breath. It wasn't doing any help to his already poor mood. All he wanted to was to finish packing his damn bag and get the hell away from here. Not caring if he had to wander around the city until the train station opened, he just couldn't bare to do this.

He was supposed to be drawing Harry out of his life, and yet so far it hadn't been as successful as he'd hoped.

"Just hear me out, okay?" Harry begged, but Louis didn't even blink. Not really sure if Harry deserved an explanation after everything. But his mate carried on regardless, "I had dinner with Ellie a while ago, and I had some revelations brought to me."

Louis could already feel is tattered heart lower into the depth of his stomach. Oh no. This was the one conversation he intended to never have with Harry. Not be blindsided again and put on a happy face for him. How dare he come here and rub it in Louis' face even after knowing he's highly upset over something. That nothing is right between them, and he's just being ignorant about it.

If Louis were smart, he'd just forget his suitcase and walk out, not even letting his friend get out what he wanted to say. Yet... he wanted to know what it was that Harry and her talked about. What were those papers in his hand and why he'd been so distant before Louis was the one who walked out?

"I wasn't sure if I believed her at first because I didn't want to think she kept it from me for so long and knowing the whole time we were together. That she purposely made things harder because of it." Harry explained and Louis was lost. The corners of Harry's lips twitched downward as he let out a sigh. "But then when I had a chance to sit down on my own and go over what she showed me I realized it was true."

Louis didn't speak just bottled up his anger because suddenly he felt a slight nervousness running through his veins. Was it stupid that he was feeling a little anxious at whatever it was that Ellie showed him when he's supposed to be angry with him?

Like he wanted to leave, and yet something in him begged him to stay and find out what the hell Ellie did.

Then the next thing Louis knows is Harry handed out the small stack to him, and Louis eyed them suspiciously for a moment. Glancing back up to Harry briefly before he took them and unfolded the paper. His breath hitched, and every muscle in his body tensed.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

Wetness started to pool at the corners of his eyes as he stared back at the print off of a screen capture of Bluevelvet. Admitting that Louis had unrequited feelings for H, that he was still mourning his broken heart years later. He could feel himself starting to tremble as he hastily pulls the other paper underneath on top of it, yet again admitting his love for Harry and saying how painful it was to see him with Ellie. Louis goes onto the other and the other hastily, his vision already blurry from the cloudiness of the tears shimmering in his eyes.

Louis never thought someone could stoop so low, but he was wrong.

"Be honest with me, Louis." Harry pleaded when Louis could feel the waterworks starting to fall down his cheeks, leaving droplet splotches onto the paper.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

"I-" Louis voice already started to crack, flinching away at the hand on his cheek trying to wipe away his tears, shaking his head. Taking a step back dragged his eyes back up to Harry, blinking away the sadness and yet it was impossible because knowing he'd been exposed and that Harry found out wasn't a good feeling. Not to mention that he was still upset with Harry so how dare he try to be sweet with Louis after such a massive thing came to light. It made no sense, none at all.

It just added to Louis' frustration.

"Do you love me?" Harry asked in more so a careful whisper like he was almost afraid to even speak of such a thing.

Louis squeezed his eyes shut as more tears fell trying to calm himself a little, sniffling, but it was no use. They just kept coming, and every second that passed he felt even worse. There's simply no covering this and Louis knew Ellie was a cruel woman yet he never thought she'd go this low.

He should've known better.

"I do," Louis cried, opening his clouded eyes. "I'm sorry, okay?"

Harry just stands there blinking, and that made Louis feel even worse.

"I never meant to feel this way and didn't think it'd ever happen to me. When Sean broke my heart, you didn't leave my side, and you were there for me when I needed you the most." Louis blinked away the endless tears and his chest was aching. " When you kissed me that night after I found out Sean started dating Kyle all I wanted was to forget the pain. For you to make me forget about him for a while and it did. You helped me move on from Sean, and I thank you for that."

Harry was still and silent, staring openly at Louis with a frown dancing around the corners of his lips. Louis knew there was no turning back now because no amount of lies could cover any of this. Not anymore.

"And I just-- I knew I shouldn't have slept with you and yet I was so fucking desperate for anything to get my mind off him. I never thought that I'd fall in love with you and no one ever warned me that it could happen." Louis sniveled, his throat starting to feel scratchy as he wiped away the tears. "We've been mates for so damn long, and not once had I ever thought I'd want more from you. Didn't think it could happen to me because your not suppose to have feelings for your best friend." Louis already wanted to withdraw himself from the situation and be alone until the early morning, yet he was tired of hiding behind a facade. "Yet I was mistaken, and every night we were alone together I never wanted any of it to stop. I wanted to believe you loved me too and to be with me. That we'd be more than friends with benefits and I was so fucking foolish to believe that for a moment that maybe it was mutual."

When Louis thinks back to all those heart wrenching memories, he wished he could erase them. Longing to regress back to the simpler times and no longer hurting. Maybe then he would've been okay when Harry had finally gotten into a relationship and not a heart-aching mess.

"But when Ellie came along it killed me inside, everyone knew you had a girlfriend but me, and I was devastated. Hurt that you kept it from me that you were seeing someone while you fucked me every night and didn't have a thought that maybe just maybe I may have actually caught feelings for you." If Louis were honest, it felt uplifting to finally get it all off his chest even if he was a sobbing mess. He wanted Harry to know the pain he caused because this may be the only time when Louis could. "I spent the past few years trying to fall out of love with you while I watched you be with her and I never knew how much it could hurt. "

Harry started to open his mouth, but then closed it. His arms hanging by his sides and a pained expression etched across his face.

Did Harry feel bad for him? Or was it guilt finally settling in?

Louis didn't want to figure that out because he doesn't think he could handle any more torture right now. So he just continued to pour his heart out because what else could he do?

"I put up with Ellie because she made you happy and I just don't know what you see in her. Why her over me?" Louis had wondered that question for so long because it made no sense. "Am I not good enough? Attractive enough?" Louis sniveled out, rubbing at his wet, raw eyes. He felt ill. "Am I nothing more than a quick fuck to you?"

Harry promptly shakes his head, but Louis doesn't want him to speak or react because he wasn't finished.

"You send me all these mixed signals, and it's fucking confusing because there are times I think that maybe you do love me, but then there are other moments when I'm discouraged. Like on our trip you kissed me, and we didn't stop. You fucked me and then the next morning pretended it never happened." It felt wonderful getting that off his chest, it truly was. "You really hurt me, Harry."

The tears were long gone because Louis was just so tired of crying over something he could never have. But everything inside him was in shambles, and he didn't have the strength to just keep being here and subjecting himself to even more wretchedness.

"And I don't think I can keep living in this flat knowing your back together with her again. I just can't do that to myself, I need to leave." It wasn't exactly how Louis wanted to break the news that he was moving out, but he was just so over it all. Tired and upset. "I'm sorry if you're disappointed that I'm not going to stick around again, but I just can't do this again."

Harry gives Louis this incredulous stare as if he couldn't even believe what left Louis' mouth. Now he knew how it felt when he pushed Louis into the dark.

This was all becoming unbearable the longer he lingered in this room with a boy that makes his heart bleed. The mournful eyes staring back him, the incriminating papers in his hand, and time seemed to be at a standstill. Taking forever for morning to come so he could end this conversation and never look back on it.

Yet it was still late, and sunrise wasn't for a while, he needed to get away. Louis couldn't stand to stay here any longer. He felt anxious and sick.

"I- I can't do this right now." Louis whimpered out, tossing the papers onto the floor and hastily walking past Harry toward his bedroom door. His eyes were already misting again, and before he even made it out the door, something grabbed him by the wrist. Slowing him to a stop and he didn't dare look back.

There was a slight pause for a moment before Harry cooed, "I don't want you to leave".

Louis squeezed his eyes shut and broke his hand free and threw over his shoulder tearfully, "I'm sorry." and then without delay he was already making his way out of the flat. Leaving behind his suitcase and a man that makes him down in the mouth.

He wasn't sure where he was going or what he was going to do up until the first train left for Doncaster. Louis didn't have a plan, and one never came to him when he took the lift to the ground floor and then making his way out to the car park. No game plan when dashes down the pavement and the tears no longer there. His heart aching just wanting something to make himself feel better.

Louis was desperate for anything, and he decided to ring the only other person that'd take him in and coddle him until he felt better.

It rang for a few seconds before he heard that all too familiar husky voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey, babe," Sean said softly into the line, and it wouldn't be a lie to say it gave a little comfort to Louis in this vulnerable state.

"Are you home right now?" Louis asked, tears shimmering in his eyes once again.

"Is something the matter, Lou?"

"I need you."

It goes quiet on the line for a moment before Sean spoke up again and crooned, "Where are you at, love?"

Louis rubs his sleeve against his raw eyes before he murmured out, "Standing outside Piccolino."

"I'll be there as soon as I can." Sean rushed out to say and then the line went dead.

Louis knows he never wanted to step foot into Sean's flat, but he needed to be comforted. Ached for someone to hold him and help him feel better, knowing Sean would do it in a heartbeat. He could've rung Niall or Zayn, but they were busy with their boyfriends anyway.

It didn't take long for Sean to pull up outside the empty restaurant, maybe like three minutes tops. Louis' just so thankful and doesn't even give Sean the chance to get out of his car because Louis was already making his way around to the passenger side and let himself in. Sliding down into the seat and put the belt on.

"It's gonna be alright, Lou, " Sean cooed, and Louis feels the weight of a hand on his thigh, and whether he wanted to admit or not, it was soothing. "I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel better."

There's no way Sean could possibly fix this mess, but he can be there to console Louis through it.

He may be at fault to ring up an ex-love and ask for attention, but at this point, Louis doesn't give a damn. Anything Sean would give him would be more than enough.

And he hoped this wouldn't be a mistake.

_______

It'll be a lot heavier in the next chapter...