Tristan

"Why?" Sienna suddenly asked, breaking the silence that had surrounded us for the last—how long had it been since we laid like this? I didn't know. I couldn't remember. Whenever I was with her I always lost sense of time.

I was draped around her, my head on her chest, our legs intertwined underneath the sheets that concealed our nakedness. Her skin was warm and silky and her heartbeat was like an asmr coxing me to sleep with every beat. "Why what?" I droned, my eyes closed as I relished the soothing feeling of having her run her fingertips up and down my back. You've come so far, Tristan.

"Why aren't you talking about it?"

"About what?" I asked, my voice muffled against her soft breast. So warm. I wanted to lose myself in her forever. I blindly inserted a nipple into my mouth and felt her whole body shiver. So sensitive.

She swallowed. "About the unprotected sex we've been having.

My stomach twisted. With a faint groan, I reluctantly opened my eyes and looked up from my position between her breasts.

"You don't look scared." She observed, brushing my tousled mane of hair out of my face.

I sighed, dreading where this conversation was going but not having the power to stop it. "That's because I'm not. You're not going to get pregnant."

"How do you know?"

The twisting in my stomach turned into a knot. I slowly unpeeled myself from her and propped myself up on my elbow.

"Tristan?" Her eyebrows pinched together. "Is this how it was with your subs? Did you go raw with them as well? Is that why you're doing it with me?"

"No, I always wore condoms."

"And yet you don't wear one with me."

"I don't wear one because I know you're clean, I have your records."

"People don't only wear condoms because they're scared of infections, Tristan."

"You're fine babe, trust me."

"No I am not fine," she persisted. "We've been having unprotected sex and you're not saying anything about it, just like you said nothing the first time we had sex, and the second, and the third, and the fourth, and the eleventh. It's almost as if you don't care if I get pregnant. What if...what if i'm already pregnant?"

Words couldn't explain how much I hated that phrase. "For the last time, we're safe, you're not pregnant."

"How?" She challenged, clearly frustrated. "How do you know?"

I fingered my hands through my hair and puffed out a breath. I was going to have to tell her. There was no escaping it. It was high time she knew.

"Tristan, did you get an IUD inserted into me when I was asleep or something?"

I looked up. Her eyes were shimmering with worry. When I didn't answer right away, she started to pull away from me.

"Wait, no baby, I didn't, I wouldn't, I—" I exhaled in a rush. "I wouldn't do that to you..."

She stopped, her shoulders dropping but she didn't let her guard down for a second. "Are you by any chance..." She hesitated, her eyes narrowing. "Unable to...?"

Christ. "No, Sienna." Well, technically.

"Then what? I am extremely confused. You promised to explain." She cupped my face and tilted it, forcing me to look directly at her as she searched my eyes. Her thumb caressed my cheeks. "You can talk to me, baby," her voice was soothing but her eyes were hard and demanding.

Fuck. I closed my eyes and sighed. She deserved to know, Tristan."It isn't that I didn't care about you getting pregnant..." I started, slowly opening my eyes. "I knew it wasn't possible for you to because I got a vasectomy done a long time ago..."

Her body instantly froze on mine and her face instantly paled.

Shit.

"You got a..." She inhaled a shaky breath, staring at me with a flash of shock in her eyes, and the terrible stretch of silence that followed made tension flood my insides. I didn't know what to make of her reaction. She wasn't saying anything but something in the way she looked at me set me on edge.

"Sienna, I—" A thickness formed in my throat that was too hard to swallow. I cleared it. "I didn't want to have kids. I had to make sure it never happened."

The shock was gone now, quickly replaced by an emotion I knew too well. She pulled away from me swiftly, her eyes darkening. "And you didn't think to tell me all this while?"

Crap. What do I say? I sat up, leaning against the headboard beside her. "I didn't think it was important."

Well, that was definitely not it.

Her fists clenched by her side. "You didn't think it was important or you didn't think I was important enough?"

Shit. Shit, I didn't want to ruin this. What do I do? My heart began to pound. "Of course you are Sienna, you mean the world to me. I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner, I just... I—" fuck. My words were failing me. "It never crossed my mind, we were always so—"

"We've been having sex, Tristan," she cut me off, her jaw flexing. "And I've been feeding myself pills, ignoring the side effects, not knowing I didn't even need to take them." Her lower lip quivered and seeing that she was about to cry again made my heart expand painfully. She was hurt. She had every right to be.
"Sienna, baby, please," I begged, grabbing her hand, wanting to pull her to me. "I'm sorry. It was a long time ago, I—"

"I need to use some air." She cut me once more, clambering out of bed and storming towards the bathroom.

My chest grew tight. She was leaving me. Fuck. I rushed down and chased after her. "No, Sienna, don't—wait, I can explain," I begged, scrambling for something to say that would make things right.

"Don't say anything to me right now." She bit, powering forward. She opened the door. God, no. I caught her hand before she could step out and pulled her into my embrace.

"Baby don't go please, let's talk about this."

But she struggled and screamed, trying to fight me off.

"Baby, please. I'm sorry, tell me what to do, I don't want you mad at me, I'll do anything you want, please."

"Let me go!" She cried out, struggling, her tears kissing my skin. My heart squeezed painfully.

"I can't." I banded my arm around her waist and clutched her like a lifeline. "I can't let you leave, I'm sorry."

Say it, Tristan. Tell her.

Her elbow rammed into my gut. I grunted. She was struggling harder, fighting me, rejecting me, and my grip on her was slipping. She wasn't listening to me. She wouldn't. She would leave and we would be back to square one.

Say it, Tristan, just fucking say it!

She broke free and rushed out, shattering the riot of emotions inside me, and at that moment, as I watched her run, I unraveled.

"I was raped, Sienna."

—and just like that everything stilled.