Paring: Matty Healy/George Daniel

Rating: Teen And Up

Triggers: Mentions of drug use, depression, illness, major character death

I find it hard to say "bye bye"
Even in the state of you and I

Matty was in his apartment, a cloud of hazy smoke obscuring his vision of a large portion of the room, but it wasn't like it was something that he had never seen before, he spent the majority of his life in between these four walls now, in fact - he was quite proud of how well he had managed to hotbox the space, his next exhalation adding to the ever-thickening cloud surrounding him.

Matty was honestly craving something stronger than the shitty weed he had dug out from fuck knows where, but he resisted the temptation; he was clean now after all - mostly, and George wouldn't be happy if he found out that Matty had fallen off of the bandwagon, and really, the younger man's disapproval was the only thing keeping Matty rooted in place instead of reaching for his phone and dialing up his old dealer like his fingers were itching to do.

Matty stubbed out the remainder of his spiff, staring down at it longingly as if he could return it to its former state with nothing more than the power of his gaze, but when it remained unchanged, Matty ground it out in the nearby ashtray, rolling over lazily in his bed as he contemplated getting up and actually doing something, but he really didn't see the point in that anymore.

It would be different if George were here, he always knew exactly what to say or do to snap Matty out of these morose states that he habitually fell into, and even though Matty was self-aware of his own pitiful position, stoned off of his ass in the clothes he had been wearing yesterday, or maybe even longer than that, but whatever, his attire was just another minor inconvenience that didn't really bother Matty one way or another, and George wasn't here now, which was exactly why Matty had sunk this low in the first place.

And how can I refuse?
Yeah your rid me of the blues
Ever since you came into my life

For some unknown reason, Matty found his mind drifting back to the day he had first met George, even though the memory was foggy, the numerous years lying in between that snapshot of history and the present had blurred his recollection, but it was still there, and Matty hoped it always would be, even though it hadn't been a happy moment at the time, but now Matty wouldn't trade that afternoon for all of his fame, his money, fuck - he would let the world burn if he had to, because George was all that mattered in the end.

'Cause you're my medicine
Yeah, you're medicine

~~~

Matty had been showing off something new he had learned on drums to Adam and Ross when he had gotten his first glimpse of George, his shoulders stooped as he entered the music room at a slow pace, and in favor of finishing his impromptu solo, Matty had ignored the younger boy until he had completed his set, earning himself a disgruntled look from the younger man who was supposedly going to be taking his spot now that Matty had been forced to sing since their lead vocalist had ditched them for another band, not that Matty minded being a frontman, but he wasn't sure if this little kid was going to be up to the task of drumming for their band. They had to be perfect, even if this was just a thrown together thing at the moment - still, Matty had a good feeling about this, and he wasn't about to let this random newcomer fuck things up for him.

Begrudgingly relinquishing his seat after some not so subtle stares from Adam, Matty stepped back to observe George as he nervously accepted the drumsticks Matty basically tossed his way, his eyes flickering between the three other boys in the room as he waited for some signal to start.

"So...uh, I just play anything?" George stammered, brushing a lock of hair out of his face as he turned his gaze toward Adam questioningly, obviously feeling more comfortable around the one member of the group who he actually knew beforehand.

"Yeah, whatever works mate, you pretty much have the role already, so this is just a formality," Adam encouraged him, pointedly ignoring Matty's sniff of disapproval in the process.

"Alright then," George nodded warily, nearly dropping the sticks before he got them in the proper position, his eyes fixated downward as he began to drum out a simple beat, progressively getting more complicated with his rhythms as time went on, and even though Matty was loathe to admit it, he was slightly impressed.

"See, I told you he was good," Adam crowed happily, and Matty forced himself to nod in agreement, because okay - George was decent, and it wasn't like Matty had another drummer he could pull out of his arse at any moment, so George would have to do.

George approached Matty after their practice was over, his feet shuffling across the floorboards as he came to a halt in front of Matty, inciting him to raise up one eyebrow warily, not really in the mood for a chat at the moment, but whatever, he could attempt to play nice for once in his life.

"What?" Matty snapped, his tone coming out slightly harsher than he had intended it to, but hey - he was trying here.

"I - I just wanted to ask if it is okay with you that Adam added me to the band, I mean - I'm really excited about this, but if it bothers you, I can back out, I don't want to intrude or anything."

"I -" Matty paused, trying to decide what to say next, because he didn't want George to quit on his first day, Adam would of course blame Matty if he did, and then probably make Matty come up with a new drummer all on his own, which he wasn't capable of at the moment. "It's fine," Matty settled on, shrugging slightly to show that it didn't matter to him one way or the other.

"Is it? You just don't seem very thrilled to have me here," George pressed, Matty's spine tensing up as George inched closer to him slowly, seriously compromising Matty's personal space which he was very protective over.

"I want you in the band, you are a good drummer, but you are also a weird little kid, so just leave me alone outside of practice okay?" Matty huffed angrily, shoving past George so he could retrieve his things and vacate the room, but his grand exit was halted by George's next statement which rang out far too loudly for Matty's liking.

"Well, I think you are an arrogant prick."

Matty literally saw red for a split second, his hand clenching into a fist as he attempted to tamper down his irrational temper, choosing to continue with his departure before he did something idiotic like punch George in the face, a pit of dread forming in his stomach as he contemplated how abysmal practice would be tomorrow, but that was his own fault, and Matty was sure that he could learn to live with the pain in the ass that Adam had picked out as long as he could keep up with them.

~~~

Matty chuckled thickly in his throat as the recollection rolled over him, mostly because he couldn't believe that a time had once existed when he was able to call George little, or when he disliked the younger boy, but those days were long over, and Matty thanked whatever ethereal being that existed up there for somehow making it so that George didn't hate his guts for the rest of his life after that abysmal first impression, their friendship easily progressing once George stopped letting Matty's perpetual bad attitude have any effect on him.

Yeah you're my medicine
You're medicine

~~~

Matty hadn't warmed up to George for quite a while, but eventually, he formed a begrudging acceptance of the fact that George was going to be a permanent fixture in his world. He considered George a friend by now at least, and although Matty still played up his irritated act whenever possible, deep down, he really didn't mind George so much, he wasn't half bad once you got used to him.

It wasn't until one day almost a year later, during which they were playing some ridiculous spin-off of truth or dare that Matty was forced to accept that he might like George a bit more than he was letting on, age having changed the boys to the point of being unrecognizable, with George now towering over Matty while Matty hadn't seemed to grow an inch since their first meeting.

Somehow, the current dare that Ross had cooked up was that if George agreed to tackle the portaloo that was sitting a few feet away from them, then Matty would have to kiss George; it didn't make any iota of sense, but they were all sufficiently stoned by now, and Ross swore it was a legal dare, quoting the official rules of the game, which Matty was ninety-nine percent certain he had invented on the spot.

Matty couldn't find the right words to argue with him though; they were somewhere in his dried out mouth, but they kept fading away just when Matty thought he had grasped onto them, especially when Ross sent him that look that basically said 'you can thank me later', because Ross just had to know of Matty's affections before he had even begun to realize them.

Matty thought he would be fine, because he didn't expect George to actually agree to the task; it wasn't like he got anything out of it after all, but apparently George was baked enough to think it was a wonderful idea, ending with him plowing into the innocent object headfirst, his momentum actually breaking the side of it before it tumbled down the small hill they were sitting on, leaving George stunned and confused, but still smiling like the idiot he was.

"So where is my kiss?" were the first words out of his mouth when the boys rushed to his side, Adam giggling hysterically the entire time.

"Are you sure you don't want a medic instead, I swear you gave yourself a bloody concussion," Matty muttered under his breath, pushing out his lip sullenly in a silent protest to George's request.

"No Matty - you can't break the rules," Ross insisted, a loud snigger breaking up his words as he shoved Matty in George's direction, his inebriated state causing him to use more force than was called for, depositing Matty onto the scratchy grass which George was still sprawled upon.

"Does it have to be on the lips?" Matty whined, trying one last time to get himself out of this, even though he was just the smallest bit curious as to what George tasted like, but he didn't exactly want to find out with his stoned friends watching his every move.

"Yes - now do it," Ross insisted stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest for good measure, so with an aggravated huff, Matty leaned down quickly, barely brushing his lips against George's before pulling backward as if he had been burned, trying his best to ignore the way George's body followed his motion, his neck straining in Matty's direction for a brief second before he dropped back to the ground with a soft 'oomph'.

"What the fuck Matty, he isn't your mam, so give him a real kiss or we will deduct a point from your score." Adam rolled his eyes obnoxiously, and even though Matty couldn't remember who was winning the game anymore, he knew he wanted to come out the victor; that was the only reason he tugged George up into a sitting position before reattaching their lips with much more force than before - of course that was all it was.

And fuck - Matty hadn't really known what to expect from this silly motion, because it was fake, it wasn't a real kiss, but it sure as hell felt real. Matty's entire body tingled as George pressed against him softly, his hand somehow wrapping around George's hip without his consent, and Matty swore he was seeing stars as George gasped softly against his mouth.

But before Matty could truly explore the way his blood had seemed to catch aflame from one moment to the next, or why this felt so fucking incredible - it was only a kiss after all, and Matty was no virgin, but still - there was something wonderful about being this close to George, about feeling his pulse ticking in his gums when Matty tentatively stuck his tongue into the opening George had given him, but then it was over. Ross's snort of laughter shattered the moment like the most delicate shard of glass, the shrapnel piecing Matty's skin as he scrambled up the slight incline in a desperate attempt to escape the sensations that he knew would haunt him for much longer than he was willing to admit.

~~~

Matty lit up a cigarette then, having found no more weed anywhere, not that he was surprised; he hadn't been out to buy any in ages, and even though it was technically a plant, Matty didn't expect it to start growing out of his floorboard, even though that would be very convenient. He briefly debated heading out to replenish his supply, but that took effort, and Matty was having a very enjoyable time on his trip down memory lane, so he sunk back into his mind eagerly, forgoing reality for the moment as old images flickered behind his closed eyelids.

~~~

Matty had ignored his feelings for years, refusing to talk about that day once it was over, and even though he and George quickly became inseparable, they were just friends, best friends by this point, but nothing more than that, and it was easy to shove his attraction away as the band began to grow more popular, songwriting, and tours, and fans he could bury himself in for a night provided a much-needed distraction from everything and anything George related, even though the younger man was by his side almost the entire time, but still - Matty managed to convince himself that he was just confusing their strong platonic bond for something more, because he liked girls...mostly.

Everything began to weigh down on Matty though, and he couldn't hide it forever, not from George at least; that man seemed to understand Matty better than he knew himself, so when George cornered him one day after he had thrown a fit at a reporter for no good reason, Matty allowed himself to snap, lunging for George's lips as if they contained the key to his survival, and in all honesty, they might, because Matty was teetering on the brink of something either wonderful or terrible, and it was up to George to decide if he would extend a hand to halt Matty's downward motion, or if he would let him fall into the cavernous abyss below.

George kissed back instantly much to Matty's relief, his arms wrapping around Matty's smaller frame as Matty panted and whined desperately, his body aching for George after holding himself back for so long, and George seemed to be experiencing the same sensations if his muttered words of encouragement and the hardness between his legs meant anything that is.

I, I wanna marry you
Said I, I adore you

~~~

Looking back, Matty had no idea why he had waited so long to admit his rapidly growing affection for George, besides the fact that he had been scared; scared of opening up, scared of allowing George to see every inch of him, scared of losing George's friendship, but once he had taken the first step across the bridge that had been separating them, George had run the rest of the way to meet him, keeping Matty's safe as he bypassed all of the hurdles that had prevented him from trying this relationship years ago.

Matty regretted his reluctance now, his heart weighing heavily in his chest as he contemplated all of the time he had wasted being a stupid prick instead of just confessing his feelings, because then he could have experienced even more memories with George, more kisses, more everything, but it was too late to change the past, fuck - Matty knew that all too well, so the time they had together would have to be good enough, even though Matty would always ache for more, no amount of weed or any other drug could ever remove that longing.

~~~

After their second official kiss, as well as their first in many other areas, Matty realized that he was only fooling himself by pretending that he wasn't tumbling head over heels for George, hell - he was already flat on his back by this point, so he stopped fighting it, because he wanted George, and George wanted him as well, which he informed Matty after calling him an idiot, along with several other variations of the term, but they were together now, and that was all that Matty had ever wanted,

It was perfect for lack of a better word, George was everything to Matty, he kept him grounded, sane, alive, and George seemed happier than Matty had ever seen him. As the band's success spiraled beyond any of Matty's wildest dreams, so did his growing love for George. Matty honestly believed that he was on the top of the world, and nothing would ever be able to tear him from his perch as long as he had George by his side holding him up.

And that's all I have to say, bye-bye
And you opiate this hazy head of mine

~~~

But Matty was wrong, because perfection didn't exist, happily ever after's were only for fairy tales, and he should have known that, but he had allowed himself to get sucked into a sense of complacency, especially after their fifteen month tour had finally ended, allowing Matty and George some much needed time to wind down and enjoy each other's company without a stadium full of screaming fans in front of them or a bus containing their bandmates forcing them to hide away to steal a few moments of affection.

So when George reluctantly said that he needed to talk to Matty after returning home from a routine checkup, Matty hadn't been prepared for what he would hear next, not at all; his brain - which usually jumped to worst-case scenarios had been pleasantly clear, but that naive mindset was drowned in black paint as soon as he seated himself at the kitchen table across from George, offering him some of the coffee he had just put on boil only to be turned down by the younger man.

Thyroid cancer - George had bloody cancer, and not only that, it was at stage four since George had been neglecting to get himself checked out, the tour had kept him too busy to stop into the doctor's office, but fuck - now Matty regretted not dragging himself there by force, because the survival rates were about fifty-fifty, and even though George was trying to stay positive, saying that it could be worse, Matty's heart stopped beating in his chest when he heard the news, and he swore he could feel himself falling into nothingness as his support was ripped out from underneath him.

The band went on hiatus as soon as George was diagnosed, Adam and Ross understood, all of them agreeing that it just didn't feel right playing a show without George, especially with the added side effect that Matty was now a shell of his former self, his worry for George overtaking everything, even his love for music, and in the following months, he barely left George's side, fearing that every moment would be their last together.

'Cause you're my medicine
Yeah, your medicine

~~~

Matty sniffled softly, wiping away the tears that were apparently spilling down his cheeks. He couldn't remember when he had started crying, or maybe he had never stopped; he spent what seemed to be half of his waking moments either sobbing or stoned lately, it had reached the point where the action did nothing to reduce the pain in his chest anymore, it only amplified everything a thousand-fold as he wept softly against his pillow, his fingers digging into his knees through the wide rips in his jeans as he tried desperately to keep himself together, even though he had already broken long ago.

Matty didn't want to relive this, but his mind was toxic, determined to poison his body as it brought up images of George throwing up weakly after a round of radiation, of his large frame looking so small in the hospital bed as they wheeled him away for surgery after surgery, of the doctor's face each time he would inform them that the cancer was still there, or that it had spread, fuck - Matty wanted to tear at his own brain stem to make these horrible images cease for good, but he had a sinking suspicion that they would still be there, no matter how much he mutilated himself.

~~~

George made it almost two years before his body gave out on him completely, his strong hands now frail as they clutched at Matty's trembling fingers, the veins standing out against the skin while Matty hummed under his breath, trying to soothe George enough so that he could sleep despite the pain he was in.

The doctor's had suggested that George be placed into hospice, but both of them had refused; Matty wanted George's last few days to be spent in comfort, and George swore he wouldn't find any of that alone in a sterile hospital room without Matty by his side.

"Matty," George croaked out after a long period of silence, his body shifting slightly so he could look the older man in the eye as he spoke.

"Yeah George?" Matty murmured back, his head falling forward slightly until it was resting on George's chest, his mind delighting in the steady rise and fall of George's lungs as he waited for him to continue.

"You know I love you right?"

"Of course you idiot," Matty scoffed, trying to convince his throat to release a laugh, but achieving more of a sad huff instead. "I love you too."

George settled back down after that, his eyes finally drifting shut as he dozed off, allowing Matty the privacy he needed so that he could cry silently as he pulled George against his torso, doing his best not to wake him with his stifled sobs.

George died that night, peacefully in his sleep, which gave Matty the smallest form of comfort, as well as the fact that his last words to him had been 'I love you', but it hadn't made it hurt any less when he woke up and realized that George wasn't moving - wasn't breathing, the tortured wail that tore its way out of his throat as his brain reached the conclusion that George was dead had surely woken up half of the country. It had taken Matty an embarrassingly long time to actually call someone so the body could be taken away, and he spent every second of that holding George tightly, trying to warm his cold skin with his own body heat.

Yeah you're my medicine
You're medicine

~~~

That had been two months ago, and even though he and George had talked about what Matty would do if and when George had passed, and how he should continue on with the band without him, Matty couldn't. The thought was appalling now, hell - Matty didn't even want to write music anymore, it wasn't the same without George to bounce lyrics off of, without George to offer suggestions just when Matty needed some form of inspiration, without George in general.

Matty's phone began ringing just then, Adam's name flashing across the screen as Matty peered at it through his tears, but once again, Matty let it go to voicemail, because as much as he loved Adam and Ross for trying to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart, they just didn't understand that this loss wasn't something that Matty was going to be able to move on from.

George wasn't simply a lover, or a best friend, or all of the other things he had been to Matty - no, he was his own personal brand of medicine, his lifeline even, and without him, Matty was dead, his body just hadn't gotten the memo yet.

Lighting another cigarette, Matty sat up slightly, wiping his tears as he rested the head against the cold window to his right, relishing in the contrast of the icy temperature on his heated, swollen cheek.

"I miss you mate," Matty murmured into thin air, his eyes stinging again as his body tensed in anticipation for a reply that would never come.

But for one brief moment, Matty swore he felt a pair of familiar arms wrapped around his ribcage, George's indescribable presence filling the room as Matty's lids fluttered shut, but as quickly as the sensation had arrived, it was gone, leaving Matty alone once again, with nothing but the fading smoke in the air and his broken sobs for company.

If this seems familiar to you, it is. I have begun the process of moving my The 1975 song oneshots into this book.

If you haven't been keeping up with my message board, I have come to the realization that the odds of me writing any more Matty/George after I finish Only You is very slim. Because of this, I have decided to delete my Transcension book and place those oneshots here instead so I won't feel the need to update something I have lost my passion for.

I may write more song oneshots with a different ship at some point, but for now, I don't want to feel pressured, and this is helping me achieve that.

Most of these oneshots have already been edited so they should be back up quickly.

If you reread this, thank you, and if this is your first time, I hope you enjoyed.

((((loving vibes))))

- starr