Carlando

Carlos: Lando and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-
Lando: Sentences.
Carlos: Don't interrupt me.

Carlos: So what's for dinner?
Lando, staring at the food he just burnt: Regret.

Lando: You love me, right, Carlos?
Carlos: Normally, I'd say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don't like it.

Carlos: What are your goals?
Lando: To pet all the dogs.
Carlos: No, fitness goals.
Lando: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs.

Lando, pointing: May I sit there?
Carlos: That's my lap
Lando: That doesn't answer my question, Carlos.

Twitch Quartet

Lando: Why are George and Alex sitting with their backs to each other?
Charles: They had a fight.
Lando: Then why are they holding hands?
Charles: They get sad when they fight.

George: Dammit, Lando!
Lando: What?! It wasn't me!
George: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Alex!
Alex: Not me either.
George: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Charles: *whistles*

George: Is stabbing someone immoral?
Lando: Not if they consent to it.
Charles: Depends who you're stabbing.
Alex: YES?!?

Charles: *Gently taps table*
Lando: *Taps back*
Alex: What are they doing?
George: Morse code.
Charles: *Aggressively taps table*
Lando: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

Cop: You're receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.
Lando: Shit.
Charles: Wait, three?
Cop: Yeah?
George: OH MY GOD ALEX FELL OFF!!!

Maxiel

Max: Daniel... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Daniel: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
Max:
Max: I wrote sanitize, Daniel.

Max: I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.
Daniel: It's not a joke.
Daniel: *sniffles*
Daniel: I'm a legit snack.

Max: You're right.
Daniel: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

Max, addressing the team: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.
Daniel: But – that's just a trash can.
Max: It sure is!

Max: *Accidentally hits Daniel in the face*
Max: *Trying to decide between saying 'I'm fucking sorry' and 'Are you okay'*
Max: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!
Daniel: What's wrong with you?!

Max: *Stubs his toe* FUCK!
Daniel: Mind your language!
Max: What else am I supposed to say, "Woe is I"???
Daniel:
Max: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.

Everyone

Seb: Just be yourself.
Lando: 'Be myself'? Seb, I have one day to win Carlos over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Alex: Couple weeks.
George: Six months.
Charles: Jury's still out.
Lando: See, Seb?
Lando: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

Mick: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Lando: >:O language
Max: Yeah watch your fucking language
Lewis: OKAY WHO TAUGHT MICK THE FUCK WORD?
Carlos: 'The fuck word'.
Seb: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Lewis: Oh my god he censored it
Carlos: Say fuck, Seb.
Lewis: Do it, Seb. Say fuck.

I've read too many F1 house and group chat fics. I'm gonna go read some more...