*The squad has just arrived in a new city. Scott looks around at the wanted posters to see if he's on any of them.*

False: Scott, are you a criminal?

Scott: Not here, I'm not!

Hermes: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.

False: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back...

Grian: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

Joel: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.

Jimmy: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.

Lizzie: Mental stability, my old friend!

Hermes: Great Jeremy, could you guys lighten up a little?

Pix: Why are you two always out during rainstorms?

Shrub: It's so peaceful and refreshing. I love the smell of rain.

fWhip: Gem bet me I couldn't get struck by lighting, but she's WRONG.

Shelby: Why am I the bad guy?

Katherine: I don't know, why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing.

Jimmy: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?

Pearl, turning to fWhip: How tall are you?

Scott: Hey, Xornoth, where are you going?

Xornoth: Well, it depends. When I die, probably hell.

Xornoth: But right now I'm going to McDonald's.

Jimmy: I just heard Hermes call the dog a "fucking liar" because he barked like someone was at the door and no one was there.

Pix: Well, aren't you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you're out to save the world!

Lizzie: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.

Grian: More or less, I guess...

Pearl: That sounds awesome! Let's do that!

Hermes: I'm new here, but I am open to the concept.

Joey: I thought that's what we were doing, guys, come on!

Grian: I am an expert at identifying birds.

Katherine: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?

Grian: Yeah, they're all pesky birds.

Pearl: I'm not being weird. Am I being weird?

Scott: Yes, and that's coming from me.

Joel: God is no longer with us, I'll take over.

Katherine, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Scott: You know, False, when you generalize, you tell general... lies.

False: ...

False: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns.

Gem: Two truths and a lie, I'll start!

Gem: I've killed a man, I will kill again, and it burns when I pee.

fWhip, visibly nervous: I don't- I don't like this game.

Gem: *clicks pen*

Hermes: *clicks pen in response*

Pix: Stop that.

Gem: Stop what?

Pix: You're talking about me in Morse code!

Gem: Yes, that's what we are doing. In our very limited time, we took a class on a very outdated, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Congrats, you figured us out!

*later* Hermes, to Sausage: That's actually exactly what we were doing.

False: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.

Shelby: Screw that, I'm not kissing any of you.

*Katherine walks in*

Shelby: Fine, I'll do it. Rules are rules you know.

Gem: What did you two do?

Sausage:

fWhip:

Gem: You're not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.

fWhip: Oh no! I'm doomed!

Pix: Seriously? All you have to do is not insult Gem about her hat at her own memorial service.

fWhip: Exactly! It's impossible!

False: Surgery is basically just stabbing someone to life.

Shelby: Please never become a surgeon.

Xornoth: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

Hermes: Hey Jimmy?

Jimmy: Yeah?

Hermes: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?

Jimmy:

Jimmy: ...What.

Shelby: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?

Lizzie, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that's what.

Gem: Now it's time for some witty back and forth banter. You go first.

fWhip: *sobbing*

Gem: Look, I'm not sure where to go with that.

False: It's just that lollipop sticks last longer than the head, even if they're less flavorful. I'm thinking of paper sticks, because you can peel off the layers with your teeth or leave it there until they fall off naturally, but plastic sticks can be chewed on too or left sticking out like a cigarette. Paper straws can be eaten layer by layer over time though, so they have the edge.

Joel, bored: Can't we just leave while she's distracted?

Grian, genuinely interested: But what about wooden sticks?

Joel: I hate you.

Jimmy: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.

Grian: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.

Jimmy: Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend?

False: Generic excuse.

Jimmy: I can't believe you said that out loud, to my face.

False: I can.

Jimmy, excitedly: Heeyy!!

Gem: Hey, someone's excited.

Grian, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

Lizzie: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying.

Jimmy: And?

Lizzie: And you are.

Joey: Go to hell!

Lizzie: Where do you think I come from?

Jimmy: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Joel: Weight loss? Drink water.

Shrub: Clear skin? Drink water.

Lizzie: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

Jimmy: You have friends and I envy that.

Lizzie: You're welcome to share my friends.

Jimmy: *looks at Katherine and Joel*

Jimmy: I don't want those.

Gem: Pearl is at that very special age where a kid only has one thing on their mind.

fWhip: Boys?

Pearl: Homicide.

Xornoth: If you aren't someone the church wanted dead 300 years ago, are you really living?

Lizzie: Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

Scott: Guys, I've been meaning to tell you... Jimmy and I are dating.

Jimmy, Lizzie, Xornoth, and Joel: *gasp*

Scott: Jimmy, why are you surprised?!

False: I don't dab. I stab.

Joel: Gem, that's disgusting. You're only giving free stuff to beautiful people.

Lizzie: Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Gem: Oh yeah? *gets really close to Lizzie* How about a muffin on the house?

Lizzie, giggling at Joel: I'm pretty.

Scott, proudly: I slept.

Pix: Is that so much of a rare thing that you have to say it?

Lizzie: I knew this day would come... I saw it on the calendar.

Pearl: Love makes people do stupid things.

Sausage: I love everything!

Pearl: That explains a lot.

Computer: Please enter a password.

Katherine: *types in ShubbleYT*

Computer: Your password is too weak.

Katherine: How fucking DARE YOU-

Lizzie: I need a long word.

Hermes: T-rex but the long one.

Scott: Did you bring it?

Sausage, gesturing to Joel: No, but I brought the next best thing.

Scott: Joel? The next best thing would be Lizzie.

Joel: I would be offended, but Lizzie is freakishly strong.

Gem: Time for plan G.

Pix: Don't you mean plan B?

Gem: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Scott: What about plan D?

Gem: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Pearl: What about plan E?

Gem: I'm hoping not to use it. Shelby dies in plan E.

Joey: I like plan E.

Pix: What happened to plan F???

Gem: We don't talk about plan F, my friend.

Gem: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.

Lizzie: No, that's not how you make cookies.

Sausage: FLOOR IT!!

Gem: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?

Lizzie: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-

Gem: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!

Joel: DO IT!

Lizzie: NO-

Joel: Last week, Hermes tried to flush a live lobster down the toilet "because it worked for Nemo".

Lizzie: Which country has the most birds?

Lizzie: Portu-geese!

Shrub: That's a language.

Lizzie: Portu-gull?

Shrub: Good recovery.

Joel: I think you mean good re-dovery.

Shrub: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY?

Lizzie to Scott, who's about to get married to Lizzie's brother: Today, two families are becoming one.

Pix, in an ominous voice: Two families enter, one family leaves.

Jimmy, who's getting married to Scott: That sounds so threatening...

Katherine: The Wedding Games...

Joel: May the bouquet toss be ever in your favor.

Scott: Beautiful.

Lizzie: Fuck all of you!

Scott: Team A will consist of myself, Jimmy, Pix, Joel, and Katherine.

Scott: Team B will consist of Lizzie.

*Jimmy, Lizzie, and Joel are playing poker. Lizzie is winning by a long shot.*

Jimmy: Aw, come on.

Joel: It's not fair! He doesn't even know what we're playing!

Lizzie: Go Fish?

Joel: Everyone has a toxic trait. Except Lizzie, she's perfect.

Lizzie: Wrong! My toxic trait is how badly I want to domesticate a raccoon.

Joel: Lizzie, you can do anything!

Lizzie: Anything?

Joel: Anything!

Lizzie, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?!

Joel: Wait, not that!

Joel: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.

Katherine, used to Joel being dumb: Sure...

Joel: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

Katherine: Okay?

Joel: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.

Katherine:

Joel: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-

Katherine: Jesus, that one is a little-

Lizzie, interested: No, no, Joel, keep going.

*While planning to break in somewhere*

Lizzie: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"

Jimmy: What?

Lizzie: "Get Help."

Jimmy: No.

Lizzie: C'mon, you love it!

Jimmy: I hate it.

Lizzie: It's great! It works every time!

Jimmy: It's humiliating.

Lizzie: Do you have a better plan?

Jimmy: No.

Lizzie: We're doing it!

Jimmy: We are not doing "Get Help!"

*A Minute Later*

Lizzie, carrying Jimmy: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! *throws Jimmy at guards, knocking them out*

Lizzie: Ahh, classic!

Jimmy: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.

Lizzie, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

Scott: Being gay isn't a choice. It's a game and I'm winning.

~~~~~~~~~

:3 ur welcome? idfk...

 - the Author