Tommy: *on the phone with Tubbo* I can't talk right now, I'm doing big man shit.
Tubbo: You're pulling Oreos apart and saving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren't you.
Tommy: Maybe.

Tommy: "Go hang a salami" backwards is "I'm a lasagna hog".
Tubbo: How did either of those sentences occur naturally for you to discover this?

Tubbo: What time is it?
Ranboo: I don't know, pass me that saxaphone and we'll find out
Ranboo: *BLASTS the saxaphone*
Tommy: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ranboo: It's 2 am

Ranboo: Hey, what's up?
Tubbo: The sky.
Ranboo: No, I meant like, what are you doing?
Tubbo: Oh, Tommy.
Tommy: *highfives Tubbo* Nice!

Tommy: Is this a good idea?
Tommy: Probably not.
Tommy: Do I care?
Tommy: No.

Tommy: That sounds like a terrible plan.
Tubbo: Oh, we've had worse.

Tubbo: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.
Ranboo: That's great, Tubbo. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.

Tommy: So, are you two dating now?
Ranboo & Tubbo: Yes.
Tommy: Why?
Ranboo: I happen to find Tubbo very appealing.
Tommy: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Tubbo.

Tommy: You need a hobby.
Ranboo: I have a hobby!
Tommy: Fawning over Tubbo isn't a hobby.

Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and-
Tommy: No returns.
Demon: *sobbing* But it's making me sad...

Tubbo: I'm sad.
Ranboo: Don't be sad, because sad backwards is das.
Ranboo: And das not good.

Tommy: Then either Sonic is a god or could kill god, and I do not care if there is a difference.

Tubbo: You can answer almost anything with "Not since the accident."
Ranboo: Actually, you can't.
Tommy: Not since the accident.

Ranboo: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.
Tommy: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

*During a game of Hangman*
Ranboo: Nope, there's no Q. You lose.
Tommy: Are you kidding me?! You can still add something!
Ranboo: I already added a belt, four earrings and an extra arm! YOU LOSE!

Tubbo: I WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD FOR YOU!
Ranboo: Okay, can you do the dishes?
Tubbo: No!

Ranboo: What does the doggy say? Bow wow.
Tubbo: What does the kitty say? Meow meow.
Tommy: What does the moo cow say? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ranboo, when Tommy walks in: Oh, hey, I'm just making pizza.
Ranboo: *accidentally smacks Tubbo in the face with the baking sheet*

Ranboo: The ritual. To preform it requires a sacrifice.
Tommy: Sacrifice? I nominate Tubbo.
Tubbo: Wait, what?
Tommy: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.
Tubbo: I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world!
Ranboo: Its not that kind of sacrifice guys!

Ranboo: Why would anyone want to harm Tommy?
Tubbo: Maybe because they met him?

Tommy: That shirt looks great, Ranboo.
Ranboo: Thanks.
Tommy: But I bet it would look even better on Tubbo's floor.
Tubbo: Are you hitting on Ranboo... for me?

Tommy, watching Ranboo: Ah yes. The mysterious and beautiful Ranboo, so demure...
Tommy: ...I wonder what sort of melodic sounds this wonderful being makes?
Ranboo: *screaming*

Ranboo: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?
Tommy: Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
Ranboo:
Tommy: I don't know how you keep forgetting this.

Tubbo: We need a plan to beat them.
Ranboo: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.
Tubbo:
Ranboo: Judge me all you want, I get results.

Tommy: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet.
Tubbo: Why'd you get banned?
Tommy: Touched the rat.
Tubbo: ... What rat?
Tommy: Chucky Cheese.

Ranboo: So, what is Tubbo to you?
Tommy: The reason I wake up every morning.
Ranboo: ...That's adorable.
Tubbo earlier that morning, barging into Tommy′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!

Author's happy thoughts: Okay happy campers! If you were a fruit what would you be and why?
The Author: I'd be a tomato because no one accepts me as part of the group.

Author's happy thoughts: ...
The Author: ...

Author's happy thoughts: OKAY HAPPY CAMPERS-

Tommy, to Ranboo: One universe, nine planets, seven seas, seven continents, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.
Tubbo: Hey, that's not very nice-
Ranboo: There are only eight planets, you uncultured swine!
Tubbo, forgetting about Tommy: VIVA LA PLUTO, FUCK YOU!

Tommy: Wanna hear some dark humor.
Tubbo: Yeah, I love dark humor.
Tommy: Alright.
Tommy: *Turns off the lights*
Tommy: Knock knock.
Tubbo: Turn the damn lights back on.

Tubbo: Ranboo said I was their second favorite person, and I was bummed, but then they said Tommy is third. They have no favorite person. They're holding the position open.
The Author, thinking: He doesn't realize that that means Ranboo's favorite person is him, does he...?

Tommy: I'm sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don't know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It's rude.
(Toms, we all know that's not true. XD)

Tubbo: Fellas, I gotta know for science. Is the opposite of red green or blue?
Tommy: Technically a mix of green and blue?
Tubbo: So blurple.
Tommy: That's implying you're mixing blue and purple.
Tubbo: Would you rather have fucking bleen? MOTHERFUCKING GRUE?
Tommy: You were confusing before but now I'm scared.

Tommy: I don't follow the rules. I follow dogs on social media.

Tommy: Ranboo, I screwed up, big time.
Ranboo: Tommy, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.

Ranboo: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
Tubbo: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
Ranboo: God?!

Tommy: Something tells me Tubbo's going to be a bit more unhinged today...
Tubbo, holding a lit match and a bag of cheetos: Leave me be, Ranboo isn't home to stop me, I'm going feral.

Tubbo: I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
Ranboo: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.
Tubbo, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.

Tubbo: See, the problem is, Ranboo, you're playing 3D chess. I'm playing 4D.
Ranboo: I'm playing checkers. I don't know what the fuck you're playing.

Tubbo: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like 'look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I'm losing.'
Tommy: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

Tommy: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Tubbo: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?
The Author: Yes. And the multiverse has dubbed this day wrong, for no delicious chocolate-filled pancake exists on this good morrow.
Tommy: I barely understood a word you just said, but I agree!

Tommy: Here you go, Ranboo, a nice hot cup of coffee!
Ranboo: It's cold.
Tommy: A nice cup of coffee.
Ranboo: It's horrible!
Tommy: Cup of coffee.
Ranboo: I'm not sure if this even IS coffee.
Tommy: C U P.

Tubbo: Do you think different paints have different tastes?
Tommy: They do.
Ranboo: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

Tubbo: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-
Ranboo: It was me...
Tubbo: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

Ranboo: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!?
Tubbo: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.

Ranboo, to Tommy: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

Ranboo: My favorite thing about big dogs is that when you push them over, they're all like "Oh, I'm lying down now! Someone might scratch my stomach! I might nap! Endless possibilities!"
Tommy: ...whereas, when you push little dogs over, they're all like, "Vengeance! Death before dishonor!"

~~~~~~~~

:D that was fun to write. Hope you guys like it, too! <3