Jesse after Petra gets mad at someone: You know, she probably got so mad because she was hungry. I'm really mean when I'm hungry.

Stella: Oh, so you're always hungry.

Petra, about to yell at Stella:

Jesse: None of you have ever really seen me mean. When you do, you'll need a very big hanky.

Hadrian: What, to dry my tears? *laughs*

Jesse, deadpan: To staunch the blood.

Romeo:

Romeo, whispering to Petra: Please keep this child well-fed.

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Fred: Romeo, violence isn't the answer.

Romeo: You're right.

Romeo: Violence isn't the answer. It is the question.

Romeo: And the answer is YES!

Xara, to Fred: You tried.

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Cassie Rose: You know what the word is for killing your friends?

Cassie: Homiecide.

Everyone else in the mansion: Murder.

Cassie: Homiecide.

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Romeo: You know, surgery is basically stabbing someone back to life.

Jesse: Romeo, please never become a surgeon.

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Jesse: Romeo, I need to talk to you about something.

Romeo: The building was already on fire when I got there, I swear!

Jesse:

Jesse: What???

Romeo: What?

-------------

"Things didn't go exactly as planned, but I didn't die, so that's a plus." -- Jesse, most likely.

-------------

Jesse: I have a plan!

Petra, tiredly: No self-sacrifice.

Jesse: ... I do not have a plan!

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Petra: Jesse, what have we said about lying?

Jesse: That it only works on Lukas...

Lukas:

Lukas: What?

--------------

Aiden: Does someone want to start an argument with me?

Maya, without missing a beat: Your shirt is ugly.

Aiden: Okay, I was mostly joking, but yOu KnOw WhAt--

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Jesse, sleepy and staring at the ceiling: Why am I not a banana?

Olivia: Because your genetic code dictates that you're a human. But you'll be pleased to know that you share 50-60% of your DNA with a banana.

Jesse: Thanks Liv, I feel better.

Axel, also sleepy: Wait, so you're saying some people are ten percent more banana than other people?

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Jesse: We could do something fun!

Xara: Like a fight to the death!

Lukas:

Lukas: Can someone tell me if she's joking because I can't tell if—

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Ivor: When people get too close to me, I call them by the wrong names just to let them know how much I don't care about them.

Lukas: Interesting.

Ivor: Glad you agree, Louie.

Petra: ... this explains a lot.

Ivor: Yes it does, redhead.

--------------

Petra: What are you doing here? You don't have detention.

Lukas: No, I just like sketching people in crisis.

(Spiderman Homecoming)

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Harper: Now, Jesse, when you go on your adventure, don't forget your toothbrush.

Jesse: Haha, you're not my mom, Harper!

Harper: That's no way to talk to your mother!

Jesse: But you're not--

Harper: Ivor, honey, should we tell her?

Jesse:

Jesse: WHAT THE HE--