After almost a week of driving herself to madness, Avery finds herself at the Powerhouse once again.

"We have this new cocktail," is Olly's greeting, "it's called Cabin Fever. Would you be interested?"

"Very funny."

"How have you been? For real," he asks while mixing drinks behind the bar.

"I'm fine. Can you put more lemon in that? Like, actual lemons?

"You know something I don't, Avery?" comes a voice from behind her, rendering both her and Olly speechless.

She turns around only to come face to face with a smiling Jeff. He is standing there with one hand in his pockets and the other holding an empty glass. He puts it on the bar, sitting in the chair next to Avery's. Which is just... Upsetting.

It would be foolish to think Jeff came here without a topic of conversation in mind. But that's the thing. Now they just have to wait, play in his time. Sit uncomfortably until he decides to say whatever's on his mind and leave.

"Can I have another one of those, Olly, it was amazing," Jeff says with a huge smile and then turns to Avery as Olly gets to work. Again; unsettling.

"How are you Avery? Had a good summer?"

And it's like... he just knows, doesn't he? Felix probably told him everything.

Everything. She wants to laugh. As if there was anything, other than the mess in her head. Felix probably just told Jeff that they hung out and that was it.

"Yeah, it was okay," she says, unsure.

"You talked to Felix lately?"

Avery gets hit with the fact that she has something in common with Jeff now. They have a mutual friend.

"Uh, yeah. Few days ago -"

Jeff laughs, shaking his head like he can't believe something. "He is such a spoiled brat," he says, not without affection.

"How do you mean?"

"He's not coming back for God knows how long, the drama queen. But watch him come back and get on his knees immediately once Xander is ready to leave."

Avery stares at him with utter confusion, almost like he is speaking a different language. Or talking about someone else completely different. Xander?

"Xander?"

"Yeah, his ex. The love of his life," he says exaggeratedly.

"I -"

"The guy came in for him, all the way from the States, and look at H, running around playing hide and seek. Listen, Felix is my brother, you know that, but God, you know those friends that ask you for advice one hundred times and then go ahead and do what they want. Yeah, that's him."

It's the first time they're having an actual conversation, Avery realizes. She has never heard Jeff talk this long. And something in his voice, the genuine affection or disappointment maybe, keeps her frozen in her seat.

"So uh - I heard that - I mean he said that they were on and off -"

"I wonder why," Jeff exclaims with a laugh, having way too much fun with it. "I mean it's Felix we're talking about. Is anything ever good for him? Oh, he will tell you it is, that he is happy. Then you hear from so and so that he was actually miserable the whole time. I mean the way he talks about this holiday, you would think he is down in some fucking gulac instead of the elite resorts of Mediterranean. He is very... dramatic."

Avery can't find a word to say, the memory reel of the summer passing before her eyes. Was he really not happy? Will she hear from someone one of these days, about how bad it was to be stuck in a house with her all summer.

Olly gives Jeff his drink and instead of leaving, Jeff takes a sip and makes an approving sound. He is clearly in the mood for messiness and gossip.

"Did he ever tell you about Xander?" he asks with a glint in his eyes. And the thing is, Avery should say no, that she doesn't want to hear. That it's Felix's business and he is not here and she won't discuss this with Jeff. But at the same time, she wants to know. It is a blinding, all too encompassing desire.

"Not really," she shrugs. "Just that they used to date and it wasn't so good."

"Isn't it always? Felix loves to shit talk Xander, but then ends up begging him to take him back, you know? It's a hopeless case. Every single time."

He counts on his fingers: "They break up, Xander apologizes, Felix says he doesn't care, keeps him begging for months, Xander is eventually over it, and bam! Felix is running after him, apologizing, crying, the whole set. They get back together, they always do, and they are fine for a while, then Felix finds a way to start fights - he is really moody, you know - and back to the start."

He takes a big gulp from his colorful drink, and swallows quickly.

"And you know why that is," he continues animatedly. "It's because Felix would do anything for attention. And I mean anything. It is literally impossible for him to be alone. He's never been on his own. I don't know," he shakes his head. "It's like he is only living if somebody is watching. He is genuinely unhappy when he is not being given attention, that's why he loves it when Xander is running after him. I mean he is in love with the guy and still plays these childish games with him."

There is a song, and there are lights and there is Olly, watching her from the other side of the bar, serving a customer, and Avery can't really seem to understand any of that. All her energy is being spent on trying to make sense of what Jeff is saying and whether it's true.

"You - you think -"

"What?"

"He is in love?"

"Oh yeah. Always have been, you know, and probably always will. Everybody else he ever gets involved with, and believe me, I've been there witnessing it all, it's just so that he won't be alone. Just to fill time. Don't get me wrong, it's not out of ill will. But we all have flaws, and Felix - he craves attention and gets what he wants every time. I mean how could he not, right" he smiles at her but all Avery can feel is her insides turning and a knot in her throat.

She tries to smile back, failing, and downing her drink instead.

"So when he comes back - you think they will get back together?"

"If Xander is done chasing after him by then, yes."

She nods, feeling like the world's biggest idiot.

"I mean, I don't know what he told you, but their thing is, different. It was Felix's first everything and he was hung up on him forever. I don't blame him. It's just that, it all feels childish the more time passes. I wish he would grow up a bit."

Avery nods, a small smile plastered on her face. "Well, I hope it all turns out okay," she says. Completely lost in her quest to process information.

"Yeah, same. Too bad about - you know-" Jeff grimaces. And so does Avery, unable to help herself.

Here it is, she thinks. The pity and shame. Too bad about you. The idiot who got into this and got her hopes up.

"Sarah."

"Who?"

"Sarah Linberg? You know, the girl he was kinda sorta seeing before she left."

"I must have missed that."

"Oh, remember she was with us before June? Tall, long dark hair, dark eyes? She's modelling now, which, good for her," he gives her another smile.

Avery is pretty much not there though. Spiritually checked out. Left. Far away. And she wishes her mind would also get with the memo and leave.

A whole summer.

Never once heard so much as the name of this girl.

"Were they dating?" she asks, wanting to get everything out of Jeff and be done with it.

He lets out the loudest laugh of the night so far. "Dating? As if! Felix would never. He is shifty when he wants to be, you know, not putting a name on things, not wanting people to get too attached, whatever the fuck that means, 'oh I don't think I'm ready, oh I don't want to hurt anyone Jeffrey, oh but I don't want them to commit to me.' And the other party, you know he will never belong to you, you know he acts like he has principles but everything is out the window the minute he wants attention and nobody is there to give it to him."

It sounds eerily like this 'other party' could be Avery. Like, a very high possibility. Fucking hell! How much does Jeff know?

"So he keeps things casual?" Avery nods, acting, or trying to act completely calm and collected.

Jeff snorts, "Casual, yeah, all the while batting his eyelashes and waxing poetic. It's such a cliche, one minute you're the center of his world. Next, there is nothing there."

His voice is tinged with bitterness, and there is a wound, Avery is sure of it. But she is too preoccupied with her own wounds to pay him much attention.

"He has been ignoring Sarah's calls since Xander showed up. Predictable," he rolls his eyes. "She'll be disappointed."

"Did she think that it was - you know, serious?"

"Of course she did. Which is foolish," he shakes his head and gazes at nothing for a few minutes.

It is the longest and the only silence they had since he sat down at the bar and dumped a load of unwanted info on Avery. Now there is only white noise in her head. The thumping bass of the music playing, and it's too hot inside.

"You know how he gets when he is drunk," Jeff says. And this time, there is something else in his voice. The playfulness is replaced by some kind of venom hidden behind his smile. He looks at Avery with a weird look in his eyes.

"How - how do you mean?" she asks.

"Handsy."

And wow.

What the fuck happened between them, Avery thinks.

Did they -

The way Jeff says it, the mean edge to his voice and the rise of his eyebrows, is an indicator that yes, something happened.

But -

"What about Glenne?" Avery asks before she can stop. She expects to be told off any second for assuming things like this.

Instead, Jeff snorts bitterly. "Oh, you think she doesn't know?" he looks up at her. "Like I said Avery, you never know who he belongs to."

And it sounds much like a warning. Not a predatory one, suprisingly. Avery would call it friendly if it was anyone else but Jeff talking.

"I don't think anyone can live with that," he says, closing his eyes and sounding exhausted. "Always questioning, never sure of where you stand, even when you think you do, how long can it last before he gets bored, too flustered, annoyed at something? It's impossible."

Avery nods, and finds herself wholeheartedly agreeing for a second. It's eerily sounds like Jeff is telling her exactly what she has been thinking all summer, or rather, fearing.

Thankfully, Jeff seems done. He downs the rest of his drink and looks around the dancefloor. "Glenne should be here any second," he takes his phone out of his pocket. "I'll see you around, Avery, yeah?"

"Yeah, see you," Avery says.

See you all in hell.

She sits silently for a minute or two after Jeff leaves. It could be ten. Or twenty. Olly is there eventually, approaching with careful steps.

"What the fuck was that?" he asks.

She can only shake her head.

"He was very talkative all of a sudden."

"I mean, like, did they - was it a - did they fuck?"

They stare at each other dumbfounded and speechless. Eventually there are customers to keep Olly busy and Avery drinks some more and tries not to think.

*

The rest of the week, and the next one all mesh into one continuous misery fest. It is easy to feel anger, or disappointment or even jealousy. After all, Felix made it seem like he was sharing his most intimate, private secrets with her because he 'wanted to' but he somehow skipped over the girl he was dating and his epic love story and the fact that he was in love?

Interesting.

There is also the fact that he loves attention and hates being alone. So, kinda obvious why he was with her the whole summer. It sucks now, looking back on all the memories and second guessing everything.

Did he talk about Xander because he wanted to share something, or was he just too scared of being alone? Did he want pity? Did he want to seem flawed and hurt because she thought he was a spoiled rich kid?

Did he say he'll miss her because it was true, because he was already feeling the longing deep in his bones like Avery did, or did he just want to hear her say it back? Did he only want to feel wanted?

Loved?

The anger flows naturally, following doubt. She feels embarrassed, avoiding mirrors, and phone calls so she won't hear her own voice. She hates him for it.

And then hatred turns to something else. She refuses to fall apart because of Felix. A narcissistic nobody.

*

Two weeks after his last call, Felix calls again. Avery lets it ring. He calls three more times that day. Avery sits with a lump in her throat, feeling the fear creep around in her mind. What if it's something important? What if something really bad happened to him?

She gives in and texts him a question mark after the 4th missed call.

'Are you busy? Sorry :(' is the answer she gets and the urge to literally throw her phone across the room and into the tv is much too strong. With the amount of rage bubbling up inside she would separate it into one million pieces probably.

Instead, she stares at the screen, decidedly not typing and watching the three fucking dots appear and disappear on Felix's side. Which doesn't do her much good on the calming down the nerves department. Eventually another text comes through.

'I called to tell you I'll be back in two days :) I'll be there Friday evening'

Great.

Amazing.

Perfect.

She texts back an annoyingly lame 'Ok. See you.'

Felix seems to be typing again, but there is nothing in the end. So Avery puts her phone on airplane mode and steps outside for a minute. Friday evening. Great. She has only tomorrow to come up with an excuse or something for not speaking to him.

Because that's what's going to happen. If not for anything, for the fact that she is in love with him. And it was fine for 3 months when they were sitting around in her living room and there was nobody around, but it' different now.

She refuses to even be friends with him. There is bound to be other people in his life eventually, if not already. Girls and boys he will date, or whatever it is that he does.

She won't even be able to hear the word crush without having a heart attack. It is sad and pathetic but why suffer silently trying to be his friend and see him with other people when she can just avoid him and everything related to him completely.

Whatever it was that made Jeff sound like that at the Powerhouse, she doesn't want it. And Jeff can take it maybe, with his trust fund and family businesses and gorgeous girlfriend and the promise of a life of leasure ahead of him. Avery can't.

Less than a year from now she won't even be here anyways. Hopefully. She'll be in London looking for an apartment and having interviews and starting a new chapter.

She won't even care about Felix next summer. Will have forgotten most of the things about him. Or maybe even, she will remember what is left of him fondly. A silly crush.

She feels stupid for falling for him. Even outside of everything Jeff said, it would never happen. Somewhere deep down Avery believes or even knows, that Felix will eventually grow out of whatever this is. He will stop searching and moving from one to another and he will be more mature than any one of them. He will understand the world better than Avery or Jeff ever could. Because he is magical, an enigma. While the rest live with their eyes glued on Felix, he is the exception to every rule, charming his way through life and getting a better perspective simply by living the way he does.

But one day, that hunger will vanish, then, then he will settle down. Avery can see him in a tasteful house, with his person and maybe kids or pets. She can see him telling them about his past, how lonely he felt, the way he told Avery sitting on his bed. He will be more open and loving and understanding than any one of them can ever hope to be.

And he will be happy. And fulfilled. He won't have any regrets at the end of the road, just memories he looks upon fondly. And he will love that one person so much and they will love him back just as much and that person will never be Avery.

It's not blind pessimism or something she makes herself believe to avoid heartbreak. She just - knows. She knew it the moment she first laid eyes on him almost three years ago. His hair was shorter then, and his eyes brighter. She knew it would be way too easy and that it would be hopeless.

People like Felix end up with a certain kind of person. Strangely enough, it has nothing to do with his money, beauty, or happiness. And if they never met, maybe ten years down the line Avery could be that person. With enough willpower and effort, she could turn into something close.

But the way things are, she couldn't be further from it.

Even someone like Sarah fucking Linberg isn't it.

She takes a walk around the block, and wonders what it would feel like when she has forgotten about Felix. Wonders if that is even a possibility. Or if people like Avery are destined to be hung up on people like Felix.