Things get better, or worse after the concert night. Felix is even more cuddly than before, he almost never leaves, solemnly stating every few hours that they "don't have much time left". Which is quite unnecessary because Avery is thinking about that constantly already. He loves to do mundane tasks like laundry, vacuuming or sorting out the mail.

He keeps wearing Avery's clothes. On the rare occasion where he goes home for a few hours he brings some of his own clothes. And then keeps wearing hers. If Avery asks him where her shirts are, he only suggests that she wear his. Since that's the logical thing to do.

He is also very uncomfortable with spiders, and keeps asking Avery to put the one he saw in the bathroom out. And even though she would rather do anything else, after hearing him complain and fidget for twenty minutes, she makes her way to the bathroom with a broom and a giant tupperware. The operation is a success and Felix bakes cupcakes as a thank you.

He also makes a lot of stupid innuendos that are only funny to him. And yet when Avery makes one he goes red and won't make eye contact for a while.

"All these thank you foods," she yawns that night while sitting on the floor, reading up about the new plant they had gotten that morning.

"I mean I can thank people in other ways as well, doesn't have to be food," he says absent mindedly.

And that's just too good to leave alone.

"Oh really!!" Avery draws out loudly and there is a second of silence before a loud clatter and a bang.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah yeah. Just the spoon."

"Be careful," Avery says mockingly.

"You're the worst."

With all the cuddling and the cooking and the heart to hearts, Avery can see how upset he is about leaving. And she tries to tell him it will be okay, that it's just two weeks, but it doesn't seem to work.

One afternoon, she is in the kitchen, trying and failing to make the homemade lemonade taste good. Felix has been glued to her phone all morning, in a particularly bad mood. He comes up to her for a hug, as he often does nowadays and sighs, putting his face on her shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me," she takes a sip of the lemonade, "My God, this is awful! It's just a lemonade like lemon, water and sugar, how can I fuck it up this much?"

Felix laughs lazily, taking a sip from her glass, "It doesn't taste like anything, just water."

"I know and I put like, 5 lemons in it. Ridiculous."

Later, lounging on the couch, Felix keeps looking at his phone as if it greatly offended him.

"Who is texting you?"

"Jeff," he says with more attitude than necessary.

"Oh."

"Apparently they're coming back next week."

"Hmm."

"I mean, I won't be here, so..."

Avery nods, at a loss for what to say. "Why are you upset then?"

"I'm not upset, it's just, I don't know, it makes me nervous kinda?"

"Did something happen before he left?"

"No."

Then the penny drops, so to speak. Of course he is nervous. His friends will come and see that he is basically living with Avery at this point. How can he explain?

It's stupid, how bad she feels, most of all for secretly hoping that it would be different, all the while knowing that it wouldn't.

Everything is quieter for the rest of the day. Avery can't stop thinking about the end of the summer, how empty the flat will be. She knew it all along. Doesn't mean it hurts any less.

***

The day before Felix is set to leave for Cyprus, he comes to the house with a wicked grin and -

"Weed? Really?"

"Yes, really. I am stressed, bothered and will be bored for two weeks straight. It is only right that I go on this vacation completely stoned."

He comes and sits on the couch pretty much in Avery's lap. "And I deserve to be cuddled," he says petulantly, pulling out his lighter.

"Next thing I know, you're gonna wanna shotgun," Avery says, knowing it will make Felix blush. It does.

He turns his face the other way and all Avery can hear is a murmur of "I actually have asthma," and she laughs.

Less than an hour later they are cuddling properly, laying on the sofa with the fan blowing warm air over them and speaking in hushed whispers for some reason.

"I will miss you," Felix keeps saying. He has been saying it for the past week, looking lost and wounded. He says it again now and his voice wavers. It is worrying. Avery would be useless if he started crying.

This past week has been the worst and the best. They are at a comfortable place where they don't have to find the right words and they even have something close to a routine together.

And Avery will miss all of it. His annoying humming, how he makes dinner every night while she pretends to be useful, his constant presence on the sofa, watching TV, on his phone, sleeping.

The way he looks when he wakes up, hair a mess and face all soft. How serious he looked when he decided to clean the entire house one day for some inexplicable reason and how tired he was afterwards. The way his face lit up when Avery tried to make him a souffle.

She will miss hugging him thirty times a day and his heavenly smell and noises of contentment. She will forever wonder why he decided to literally move in with her this one summer and why he decided to walk into her life just to leave. And why she let it all happen, knowing how it would end from the start.

She will probably never be able to find the right answers and the yearning already settling in, it feels wrong. Something pathetic, like the most obvious thing in the world, that would make people laugh.

'You went and got attached to Felix Aveline? Of all people? You thought he would be there, that he would stay? You could at least be friends?'

But at the same time, this has been probably the best summer of her life, so maybe it's worth it somehow.

Worth it for all these golden memories, all of them so ordinary, tinged with the soft yellow light of the summer, smell of coffee and the most beautiful smile.

So Felix says he will miss her but honestly, he doesn't know the half of it.

"You will be on vacation, I'm sure you won't have time to miss anyone -"

"No. I will, I will," he says, or rather whines. "I don't even want to go, maybe I can stay here and tomorrow morning they will see I'm missing and go without me."

"Okay Home Alone."

"They might," he shrugs.

And that's the thing. He has been acting strange, under all the tactile behavior, all the pouting and not leaving the house, he is visibly brimming with nervous energy. Some evenings he would get so into his own head, become so quiet, his hands would start to shake. He brushes it off, always, but it seems a bit more than just childish dread for a family vacation.

"If it's really bad, call me and I'll get you a plane ticket," she says, only half joking.

Felix is silent for a long time, Avery thinks he is asleep.

"I wish I could stay here," he says finally, after about ten minutes. And that's all there is, before they both fall asleep.

The day progresses similarly, they keep dozing off and smoking and Felix makes lunch, pouting the whole time. Avery kind of regrets going along with his plan because their last day is spent in this haziness. Both restless and a little sad.

Felix is still pouting by 3 pm; he needs to go home and pack. They are leaving early tomorrow morning but he can't seem to make himself get up and go home.

"Do you remember that kitten we saw in the park," he asks, or rather slurs over the words completely.

"Yeah," she says absent-mindedly.

Felix is quiet for a minute. Then -

"Do you think we'll have a dog one day?"

He says it so easily, like it's no big deal. Avery's mind is reeling. Everything is slightly wonky, slower. The weight and the warmth of Felix in her arms is calming, grounding, so she focuses on that, instead of what he just said.

Or the way her mind goes ahead of herself, already picturing a distant future.

Together.

Or the hope blooming somewhere inside her chest.

How could he say that? Or even think about it? Knowing there would be nothing left of this when he comes back.

When she is silent, Felix turns his face towards her, which is maybe the most upsetting thing that has happened this summer. He is way too close, his eyes bloodshot and slightly pouty lips.

His cheeks are burning.

She can tell because she reaches out and touches his face with her fingers. Despite the alarm bells ringing in her head.

Too fast, she thinks, you fall too fast, too hard. And it's too little too late now.

Felix's stare is intense as he waits. His eyes close for a second, eyelashes fluttering, then he opens them again, his lips move slightly, as if he will say something.

Then it's over.

She smiles. So does Felix, and cuddles closer, hiding his face.

He changes his mind about going home, delaying it until the evening. He turns the tv on, then off. Tries to read, but keeps looking at the same page for half an hour, makes tea and heats up some leftovers, then claims that he has no appetite. All the while Avery tries to look at her phone, shaking her leg with nerves and biting the sides of her nails bloody.

We should have gone somewhere, she thinks. Kept busy. Distract ourselves.

But as it is, Felix is a ball of nerves and she is about to throw up from uneasiness and this is most likely the last day of their friendship or whatever it is.

So she offers to take a walk, but Felix is too wired up. He comes and sits on the couch for the hundredth time that day, looking at her miserably. Avery can see the 'I will miss you' coming from a mile away now.

"You should have brought heroin instead."

Felix snorts half heartedly, slouches over the back of the couch, then slides over towards Avery. He will demand a hug any second now.

"I would like to go to Madrid one day," he says, looking up at her, expecting some kind of answer.

"Okay? Me too?"

"Yeah," he mumbles, looks away. He stays that way for a while.

And then -

"Are you going to miss me?"

He is looking up at her again, something so honest and trusting on his face, stretched over every one of his features. Dripping down his tongue like honey.

"Yes," she says, truthfully.

Apparently it's not satisfying enough.

"No, you won't."

"Yes, I will! What the hell," she protests, laughing.

Felix sits up then, turning his back to her and crossing his arms. Which makes her laugh some more. However it doesn't take long for Avery to understand they are not joking around. That Felix is serious. Because his voice sounds close to tears when he speaks again.

"No. You won't."

"Felix -" she starts softly, clueless as to what to do. "Of course, I will miss you, what are you talking about?"

Felix sniffs, "No one ever misses me. They just move on with their lives-" his voice wavers dangerously.

"That's not true."

"I always miss everyone. I'm always left behind -"

"Felix, don't -"

"It's true!"

"No it's not! I don't believe that for a second! Whoever did leave you behind was an idiot, okay?"

Felix barely nods and leans back, settling in next to her. Their faces are close, way too close.

"Will you really miss me," he says, barely a whisper.

"You have no idea."

Any second now, he will stand up and leave, Avery thinks.

"I hope you know that -" he says slowly, "I've -"

His cheeks start to get a darker shade of red by the second and Avery has a pretty good idea what he is trying to say.

She would rather die than to hear it, however. So she turns her head slightly and puts her lips on his.

It does stop him from saying whatever he was about to say.

Kissing Felix is easy. Way too easy. And Avery finds out, for the millionth time that summer, why people get lost in Felix Aveline. He is a million stars bursting behind her eyelids, soft lips and soft noises.

And he must be insane because he turns around fully now, keeps kissing her. Then he takes her hand and puts it on his wrist. Avery thinks she must die from the way her heart is beating.

She doesn't know how long they kiss on the sofa. But she knows her face is burning, and Felix must know too when he kisses her cheeks.

There is the sound of a plane flying high over them that almost wakes Avery up from her daze, she lets go of his hand, sitting up.

Felix is pink cheeked and giddy when they finally move apart. There is a glint in his eye, even though he won't look her in the eye. He says he needs to go now, probably.

"Text me," is all she can say when they're saying goodbye at the door. Her voice comes out strange, foreign.

Felix stands outside, not saying anything but staring at her.

That's when it becomes too much, too real. When he is standing on the other side and the voice inside of her head saying they will never be this close and she will have to live without him from now on.

This is who you are now, she thinks and wants to cry.

In love and lost.

She wants to ask him to stay, just to see if it will make a difference. Just so she won't have any regrets, looking back. She wants to reverse their roles and become the petulant child and demand that he lets her know exactly how much he will miss her. Then she wants to tell him it's not enough. She wants to ask him to promise he will come back and nothing will change. She wants to not cry when she closes the door after he's left.

But neither of them say anything, Felix only nods and whispers " I will." They don't hug again, and after a loaded few seconds where they just stand there, he lets out a breath and smiles and turns around.

Avery predictably watches him walk away.

He looks back once, when he is far away and mostly out of focus. He looks back, doesn't wave or stop for more than two seconds, just looks back. Avery thinks she can see the ghost of him on the pavement for hours, like a tattoo, looking back at her.