Showing Felix around turns out to be just hanging out in Les Marais after a quick breakfast at home, walking from one second hand clothes shop to another, eating crepes until dinner. He seems happier, not at all like he is lost.

Everything is great - more than. The summer, just like the one before, has that languid, calm, quiet quality. They both feel dazed and hazy in the best way possible.

Until -

"Oh! My God! Is this who I think it is?" comes the over enthusiastic and heavily accented voice behind them.

Felix looks around him, then turns around, puzzled.

"No," Avery whispers to herself, a fake smile already plastered on her face. "Cleo," she says sweetly, turning around and hugging the girl.

"I can't believe this, what are you doing here?" Cleo asks with too much excitement. That unbridled joy, the hunger for drama in her tone. Some things never change, Avery thinks bitterly.

"Traveling," Avery says, trying to match her enthusiasm, "this is Felix."

Cleo turns her attention to Felix, who is watching the scene unfold with utmost confusion. His face breaks into a grin as he shakes her hand.

"Nice to meet you," he says and Avery holds back a snort. It really isn't that nice.

"Yeah same, God - Avery it's been how long? Four years? Look, here is Jean, we were just coming back from the gallery. Why don't you guys join us?"

"Oh. I wish... But we have reservations, we gotta run home and get changed and stuff, you know how it is," Avery says with a laugh.

Cleo's expression falters for less than a second, which Avery takes great pleasure in. "Well okay then, but we should definitely get together before you leave, yeah? There are a lot of people who would like to see you," she says, looking Avery in the eye, expecting something.

"Oh absolutely!" Avery nods enthusiastically. Just at that moment Jean-Michel joins their group and they repeat the scene over again. Avery is starting to grit her teeth by the end of it. She can feel a question about Felix is on the way and needs to stop it before it can materialize.

"We better go," she says once they exchange phone numbers, reaching to hold Felix's arm and taking a step back.

"Okay," Cleo's smile gets bigger somehow. "But we have to hang out later, I'll let Francis know, I'm sure he would love to see you."

"Oh yeah, definitely do that," Avery grits out, not sure if she is smiling or grimacing at that point, practically dragging Felix away.

"Motherfucking, goddamn fucking shit what the hell fuck -"

Felix cackles like a witch, "Who were they?!"

"God, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her..."

"I can tell," he laughs again. Avery is glad at least Felix is having a good time and it's nearly contagious even though she feels drained.

"I dated her best friend. Pretentious art snobs, all of them."

"How did you meet them?" Felix asks, amused.

"I met Francis at a museum. I'll tell you later. Let's eat something."

They end up buying groceries and cooking together while drinking fruit wine.

"I can't believe there is wine I can drink without wanting to throw up," Avery says as she carries the creamy mushroom spaghetti to the dining table.

"It's an acquired taste," Felix says in the most pretentious tone he can manage, which makes Avery laugh.

They eat and talk and laugh and everything is so easy and comfortable. Felix looks like an angel on the other side of the table. The windows are open and the street is quiet, except the low hum of a radio trickling out from someone else's flat.

*

The week passes by with walks, buying trinkets and outrageous clothes, eating ice cream and the easy presence of one another. Avery feels lighter than she ever did, and the same can be said about Felix.

He is clearly happy, which means Avery wakes up to his smiles and whatever questions he has that day. Most of them are about the city and the language. It is obvious sometimes that he wants to ask more but is pacing himself. Or maybe he doesn't want to seem too curious. Avery doesn't mind. She answers what she can, and the ones she doesn't want to, she tells him that much.

Felix doesn't talk about Xander again, and Avery is secretly grateful for it. Seeing him in pain is hard as it is, but the idea of him being in a relationship where he was hurt is worse. She doesn't know how to console him, mostly because she feels the same way he does. It wasn't fair to Felix, and yes, she understands why he regrets so many things and why he is angry and lost. She doesn't know how he is supposed to get over it and find peace.

But in a way, it's fine. Because Felix looks at her sometimes, when he is smiling so much his eyes disappear, and when he forgets himself sitting on the grass in a park and makes plans about the future, a future that contains both of them. He is not as tactile as he was last summer, still, he puts an arm around her shoulders when they are waiting for the train sometimes, or leaning over to pick ice cream flavors. She reaches out and holds his wrist every time and tries not to think about how everyone around them might be thinking they are together.

He shines under the sun, wearing his shades and laying back on his elbows, people stare almost involuntarily. Avery can't look away and when their eyes meet, she is certain he must know. He must see the lovestruck look on her face because she can't find the energy to hide it all day every day.

Living with Felix is hard. On one hand, she gets to look at him all day, touch his hair and listen to his voice and hear his jokes and see him be amazing and wonderful and kind and sweet all over.

She gets to watch him read menus and street signs, pronouncing French words until he gets them right, concentrated. Then he looks up and sees Avery watching him and gets this bashful look before asking her how to say it right. And Avery is so gone she can't even speak sometimes, just stares at him in confusion. She wants to ask, how did the universe come up with you?

But then again, being in his presence is too much sometimes. He is too much, too handsome, too charismatic, too nice, too good at things. And seeing him lounging around the sofa can give her anxiety. Because she doesn't know how to act around him in those moments; when Felix seems larger than life. Her heart beats too fast and she doesn't know where to put her hands and her voice comes out all shaky and unstable.

It's hard being in love with the most wonderful person she has ever met and keeping it a secret from him. It's hard to try and get used to the idea that one day he will be with someone else and one day he will marry them and one day they will buy a house together. And Felix will be so excited for all of it. He will probably call Avery, barely containing his happiness. And then, that person will know all the intimate details of Felix's life. Like if something happened at work that day. That person will take him to a restaurant that just opened, and they will know how his tastes change and all the new friends he makes and the inside jokes and the way his skin tans under the sun.

Avery could make herself cry thinking about all these scenarios in detail. She imagined the other person being nice and someone she can like, or even be friends with under different circumstances. And they will be nice to Felix, and make him happy.

She is not selfless enough to claim that she would be happy as long as Felix is happy, but she is getting there. Or at least trying, as much as she can while secretly hoping and praying for him to feel the same. At least a little bit.

Of course, hope exists only to be destroyed eventually.

Things have been more than fine for almost two weeks when it happens. It is an extremely hot day and Avery leaves in the afternoon to run errands. She needs to withdraw cash, figure out how to post a letter and find a supermarket that sells some of the very specific foods she has been mentioning to Felix.

He sends her off with a yawn and a kiss on her cheek, an act that pisses Avery off more than anything because he is not wearing a shirt and his skin is still warm from sleeping until noon and he smiles afterwards and he is just - too much.

Things take longer than they should, she doesn't want to leave air conditioned spaces, the streets are crowded and she gets hungry and buys a sandwich and then misses Felix's cooking and then she is freaking out about being in love and how their time is eventually going to end and by the time she makes it back, it is around 7 pm.

At first, there is nothing out of place, and she is about to complain about stuff and go take a shower before they start on dinner.

She sees Felix is sitting at the table, the TV is on but he is not watching. He is fidgeting with his fingers and when she looks more carefully, he looks like he's been crying.

"Felix..." She starts as gently as she can. She puts her bag on the counter as quietly as she can, like Felix might be scared away. "Are you okay? Sorry I'm late, it feels like everyone in the world has decided to come here today and also be in my way. What happened?" She sits in the chair next to him.

Felix pointedly doesn't look at her. "You're not late, Avery. I can stay on my own for a day, I think."

"Yeah, of course, but it's fine if you don't want to. And you don't have to be, you know, I'll be here if you want."

At that, Felix tears his eyes away from the table and looks at her. "You treat me differently now."

"What?" Avery mutters out but it takes years. She can tell this isn't gonna be nice and wishes she could stop it. Turn back the time and not walk in that door.

"You treat me like I'm about to break. Like I'm going to crumble any second or run away. It wasn't like that last summer. You didn't have to be careful."

His words are choppy and breathless.

"Okay. I'm sorry you feel like that but that's not what I think at all. I thought -" she can't help the hurt that seeps into her voice, "I thought we were okay. I didn't know you felt that way -"

"No, but can't you see Avery?" Felix says impatiently, shaking his head, "You are right!"

"I'm - what?"

He gets up and looks clueless for a moment, like he wants to run away but doesn't know which way is out. Avery can't decide who she feels more sorry for; him or herself.

"You are right! I am ruined. I have to carry this around for the rest of my life. I can never go back and make it better. And you've seen it happen, you were there. You know all about it," he forces out, his fingers going through his hair and messing it some more.

"Felix -"

"No, don't you understand? We can never go back, because you know now."

"Okay but that doesn't mean -"

"It means that everything is different now," he says, crossing his arms and looking away.

"Not for me -"

"Don't. We were both there, and afterwards - it was so bad I had to leave. I couldn't stand the thought of us seeing each other again after everything. And now it's all ruined, I feel ruined, and terrible. I can't. I can't do it."

"Okay."

Avery nods once, no, she's not going to cry.

She knew it. She knew he wouldn't forgive her. If it was her, she wouldn't be able to either.

"Well I wish you would have told me before," she says, her voice barely there.

"You don't need me to tell you anything Avery. You know just as well as me -"

"Well obviously I didn't!" Avery says, and just like that - her resolve crumbles. The words come out broken and tearful. Felix is speechless for a minute, he probably can't believe that Avery is able to cry. That she has feelings that can be hurt.

She stands up and goes to her room without another word. It feels stupid. She wants to leave, it feels like the apartment belongs to Felix and he can't be happy when she is around. It is stupid.

Why did you ask me to come here then, she wants to yell at him.