Avery doesn't know how long they will stay in Berlin, but she is determined to make the best of it.

She checks in at a nice hotel first, enjoying a warm shower and an even warmer room. She spends the afternoon napping and texting Felix once or twice. Then gets a cab to have dinner somewhere.

When she gets back from her dinner, there is a letter waiting by the front desk. She almost sprints to the elevator.

Dear Avery,

I arrived in Berlin this morning and got into my temporary apartment. It is way more stylish and cozy than I hoped, I feel like a cool individual living it up in the big city, wearing dark turtlenecks and having deep conversations with my friends over dinner. I'm probably studying design or environmental sciences or something like that, and I wear glasses.

Soon it will be colder and then Christmas.

Next year, I want to do what's good for me. And I know I have to think long and hard about what that is exactly.

You were right. I have made wrong choices, in the past, knowingly. Maybe because then I wouldn't be the one to blame, I would be hurt. Or maybe I expected someone, something better to come and save me. To show me what was right, even though I knew, deep down.

Sometime in the summer, I remember seeing this book in your room. It was on the floor, I picked it up. It was in German. There were tickets in it, writing in German, and a gum wrapper taped onto the page. It felt like you had this other life.

I felt so trapped, like I had been living in a box and it was too late to change now.

Now, I'm determined to live but I still feel regret. I regret wasting those years, always panicked, stressed, second guessing everything. Always feeling wrong somehow. I don't know how to fix all that, but I guess this is a start.

I hope to hear from you. I really do. Tell me all about Berlin.

All my love,

Felix

*

Every interaction with Felix is like a stab wound to the heart, but his last letter definitely takes the cake.

Felix has spent the better part of his life being manipulated by and running away from someone. Avery still can't think about it for too long. She found it all out without Felix's consent and now even thinking about it feels like an invasion of his privacy.

So she waits, secretly hoping that they will meet soon, and Felix will tell her and then she can finally understand.

For now, they just write.

Dear Felix,

I have always been obsessed with Berlin to some extent, maybe influenced by all the movies I've watched in high school, or maybe because I like the dark weather, and the buildings here. It felt like I could get lost here, no one would know me, I could be anybody.

First time I came to Berlin, I came by bus, travelling all night and arriving in the morning. I woke up an hour before we arrived to the bus station and looked out the window. It was all white. For a second I thought I was on a plane and surrounded by clouds. Only white smoke around us.

It was in that moment that I knew Berlin would not disappoint. I felt like if I could walk a little bit further, little faster, I could disappear into the white fog, come out on the other side someone else. Someone different.

This was all before I met Mathilda.

I feel like my letters are always so depressing, too serious. Sorry :)

Berlin was the first place where I saw real punks, and two guys holding hands on the street.

I hope you're having a good time, and wearing lots of black.

Don't get cold,

Avery

*

It keeps raining and snowing or a mixture of both for a week. Avery rents an apartment, buys groceries, reads at home, or watches game shows she barely understands.

Felix writes longer and more frequently now, but Avery isn't sure if that's a good thing or not. He sounds sad and excited at the same time. She doesn't know what to do, other than read everything countless times and write back.

*

Every new thing you tell me feels like something I've always known. I somehow knew that you loved Berlin, even before we became friends.

I don't know. If somebody asked me to describe you, I wouldn't be able to put everything together and create a coherent summary. But all these bits and pieces I know about you, it makes up something complete. And it is so concrete, the feeling of you, that sometimes I see something that reminds me so much of you, that almost contains the essence of your being, it takes my breath away.

*

Dear Felix,

Have I ever told you about Maureen? She was a writer I stayed with while working as her editor. She was a kind, old woman who wrote for a German newspaper and at the time, writing her third book.

Mathilda was her roommate.

It was during my first month when I moved into the house, when I was still trying to survive, to stay. I have only seen Mathilda once, when she came home the first night I was there and talked to me.

A week later, Maureen was talking to me about the nightlife and told me I should go out more, experience the night life. The thought haven't even occured to me.

She told me if I wanted to go to a club, Sandra was the person to talk to.

"Actually, do you want me to go ask her? She might be going somewhere tonight."

I was panicked beyond belief.

Eventually she came back, smiling. "She is going out and meeting some friends. She said she was about to ask you if you wanted to go with her."

I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. Excited, elated, touched. It seems so silly now, but in that moment I felt myself changing. Someone different.

Later I found out that Mathilda used to date Maureen's daughter. And that's how they met and became roommates.

We went out that night, I remember asking her a bunch of questions just to talk to her. She was like a punk who was into deep techno, pale as a ghost, cool like a skater. She was working at a second hand shop "living in the moment." It was funny, I thought, then there was me, who lived in the past and the future at the same time. But never the present.

Mathilda said she didn't worry about the future, and she never wanted to leave Berlin and she hadn't travelled much because she loved Berlin so much.

If I had her life I wouldn't go anywhere either.

She bought cigarettes at a store, then took me to this place in Kreuzberg. We met her friends and talked for hours, drinking beer. They talked about the drag shows they have been to, the parties they were attending on the weekend, they asked me questions about politics and where I was from and the places I've been to.

In the end, they were supposed to go to another club and meet their friends, so we had to go our separate ways.

We were on the street when one of her friends asked me;

"Have you ever drank a telephone?"

I've thought about this memory so many times over the years. Sad and ridiculous as it sounds, that was the moment, after midnight in Berlin, hanging out with people I had just met and that question, I felt like I was finally living. Finally something happening in my life. A memory. Happiness I could feel over and over again when I turned to look at that night.

It was only when I was alone later that night that I felt my world falling apart.

I was a passenger, only visiting this world, the good times. I was only passing by, while they had this life to live and go from one club to another and be happy with each other and talk about their shared past and inside jokes. Drink shots called "telephone" and not have to answer to anyone because they were all far from home. All adults at 18.

It hurt that they made an effort to make me feel included, that they were so nice to me for no reason.

I didn't live in Berlin, I lived in a place that I hated, I didn't have any friends, or anyone I liked, no fun, nothing interesting, nobody to talk to. I didn't have any money to change my life, to move out. I had to save so much money for so long just to get out and then live off of Marks and Spencer's breakfast deals when I finally got out.

That night, I cried for hours. I guess I had a crush on Mathilda, which didn't help the situation. I was mesmerized by and envious of her attitude. She was fearless, and she didn't take life seriously. I'd never met anyone like her.

I feel like I'm living my life just so I can look back on it later, and evaluate. If I can say that I've done well, great, I've been successful, I have lived right. The moments, as they happen, don't mean anything because they haven't ended yet.

So I feel like my life is just a collection of moments, to be looked back on later, to be assessed and categorized, if the good surpasses the bad, that means I have won. I did not waste my life.

But the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Because then what? If I decide at the end, that I had a good life, then what? Do I get a medal? A pat on the back? What am I really trying to prove to myself? And if I fail?

Even with you, I was so preoccupied with the ending of it. I kept thinking about how it would end, how we would stop talking when your friends came back and how then, I would have to look back on all the good times and they would be bittersweet. And which way the scale would tip after I figured out the total sum of everything.

Mathilda and I hung out some more. Every moment was fun with them, I forgot about time, the past and the future. But I also knew I was always the outsider in their group. I even convinced myself it was because I wasn't German like them. All of it made me unbelievably sad in the end. I always felt excluded somehow when they were gone and I was on my own.

I stopped going out with them eventually, it was natural that it would end. I even secretly despised Mathilda, didn't look at her when she came home at 4 am, or that one time she stayed in and we cooked dinner with Maureen. She made a joke and I didn't laugh.

I was so stupid. The girl was trying to be nice, taking me out with her friends, even though she didn't have to. And I was pissed about my own life not being as great, about eventually having to leave this place.

I guess I wanted to tell you, because I can't think of Berlin without thinking of Mathilda. And that night I felt alive for the first time.

Now, years later, I still remember all the pointless details. The fact that she paid for our shots, no matter how much I insisted. That she wanted to take me home and pay for the cab.

The older I get and the same mistakes I make time after time, and the more I realize how life is probably going to be, maybe they are not so pointless afterall.

I still don't know which way the scale will tip, though I can't help but wonder.

And I hope you are really happy, if not right this second, then soon.

Always your friend,

Avery

*

She considers going to that bar again, and sit at the same table, but can't bring herself to go.

*

Felix calls her one night, later than he ever did, sounding worse than he did in a while. He refuses to tell her why, or anything else really. It sounds like he just wants to know that there is someone else on the other side.

He sounds tired and it makes Avery miss him. She can almost see him like that, laying down somewhere with his eyes closed and a tired smile on his lips. She would give anything to be next to him now.

"I miss you Felix," she says, shutting her eyes tightly like that would make the ache disappear.

There is silence on his side, and Avery realizes she doesn't care. She just wants him to know. To finally understand just how much Avery loves him and wants him around and she always did and was just too scared.

"I really miss you so much," she says, voice steady and determined now. "I should have told you a lot of things when I had the time. But I couldn't. I didn't understand who you were."

There is absolute silence and she thinks Felix might have hung up.

"Felix?"

"I'm here," he sniffs.

He sounds awful.

"Do you need anything? Did you eat? You're not outside, are you? It's freezing -"

"Avery," he says and she is almost sure that he is crying. She just wants to come out and say it.

Tell me where you are and I'll come get you.

I'm so sorry and I feel like I'm responsible for all of this and please let me make it up to you.

I love you.

"Felix..." she says frantically, "Please, what's wrong?"

"I feel so alone. I don't have anybody."

She shakes her head like he can see her, "Felix, you're not alone. Your family and all your friends and - and - lots of people love you -"

"My mom thinks it's my fault," he gets out, "and I know it is. It is. But she doesn't understand how - just how bad I feel. And my friends, they all think I deserve it, they think I'm just a coward -"

"They don't. No one thinks that. You are the most amazing person I've ever met and you are just - wonderful."

"Don't. You know what everybody is saying about me. I know you do. I try so hard to not let it get to me, to not care, but maybe they are right -"

"They're not! I don't care what anyone says, Felix. I don't care about your friends, or what your mother thinks."

Seconds pass. Avery checks to see he is still on the line.

"I'm sorry," Felix says finally, way too quiet.

"Don't be. I really didn't know Felix, I didn't know anything about you. Everything I thought I knew was wrong and I'm so sorry. I chose to believe everything except what you told me. I thought you told me things because you wanted attention. I'm so ashamed, I'm sorry."

"I should have been honest with you from the beginning."

"You thought I was like, a monster -"

Against all odds, Felix makes a noise that could very well be a surprised laugh. "I did not!"

"Yes, you did!"

"I guess I was a little intimidated but I wouldn't have stalked you if I really did."

"I knew it! I knew it wasn't a coincidence every day."

Felix lets out a chuckle. "I know."

"I didn't mind. It was the most exciting that's happened to me in years."

"It wasn't even my best work," he says and now he sounds much better.

"Could've fooled me," Avery says dead serious. Felix laughs again.

They stay on the phone until they both fall asleep.

*

Avery,

I feel so bad about the other night. I feel stupid, and oblivious. I told you I felt alone but you probably know what it's like to be alone better than anyone else.

This is actually why I couldn't see you back in Mullingar.

You've moved away on your own, away from everyone, and have been living alone. I envy you. I feel like a beginner and I have to live on my own, too.

Jeff and I had a fight before I left. He told me what he really thought about me. I have been thinking about his words. Trying to figure out if he is right or if he was just angry with me. He said that he talked to you, and that you both knew I couldn't stand being alone and I pretended to be vulnerable.

Maybe there is some truth to that.

I need to learn how to be alone.

Otherwise, I'm going to feel like I'm lying my whole life. I want to 'want' someone, not need them.

And I know, I can truly say that I wanted to be with you.

If you ever decide to leave, please know that I will never be able to thank you enough. No one else has done what you did for me. I will never forget you and hopefully we will meet again.

All my love,

Felix

*

Felix,

You should know by now that I will wait forever if I have to.

Avery

*

There is radio silence for over a week. And then Felix calls again. He sounds sad, once again. And drunk.

"Hi. Are you ok?"

Avery had a good day, walking around the city and buying used books. She has talked to Olly, sitting at a nice cafe, sent him a bunch of pictures.

"Yeah, I - I'm fine," Felix says, trying to sound stable apparently but failing.

"So... What have you been up to?"

"Xander is getting married."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Isn't it a bit fast?"

"I saw it on the internet. This girl we used to know - she is the daughter of one of his father's business partners."

"Oh wow."

"I - I don't know how to feel -" Felix says, his breathing is frantic.

Avery is shocked and speechless.

"How are you feeling?"

"He could have just," Felix starts and pauses, "he ruined my life. Why didn't he do this years ago? Why couldn't he leave me alone sooner?"

His voice gets shakier as he speaks, like he is forcing the words out.

"Felix, I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something useful. But I don't know," she mumbles.

"I just - I feel so bad. That this happened to me. I let it happen. Everyone else is doing fine, they are happy. I'm angry too," he sobs, "I didn't want any of this to happen."

He stops then, Avery suspects that he is crying.

"I know you didn't Felix. And it's not fair what happened. I'm sorry."

He doesn't say anything, and they wait in silence for a while, only disturbed by Felix's sniffling.

"Anything I can do?" Avery asks. It's more of a rhetorical question.

"Not really. Thanks for talking to me."

"Anytime."

*

After that night, there is nothing from Felix. No letters, calls or texts. Which makes sense in some way. Avery feels like there is nothing else to say between them. Felix wants to be alone and learn to be okay on his own. And he is doing just that.

The real question is, what is she doing?

Somehow, she doesn't dwell on that question anymore. It would be silly to regret anything now, when at the time she did the thing she wanted the most.

It is almost three weeks after their last conversation when she gets a letter from Felix. She opens the envelope, trying to keep her hands as steady as she possibly can.

It is probably a goodbye, she keeps repeating, he is probably leaving, maybe going back home. Or moving somewhere else completely different.

She doesn't want to read, wants to stay completely ignorant, wants to stay in that moment where possibilities are endless.

But she does.

Dear Avery,

I've been writing and rewriting this for days now, worried about what you might say, or think. But in the end you are the one who will decide and I see no point in delaying the inevitable.

I have come to Madrid two weeks ago today. Up until now, every place I went to, everything I did, I needed you with me. I came so close to calling you a hundred times, asking you to meet me. I wanted to come see you wherever you were. I guess I always knew I would have to learn to be on my own. But it felt like something I had to put up with, rather than something I could enjoy.

This last month however, something changed. I know I still have a long way to go. But I no longer need you, or anyone else to be with me because I'm too scared to be alone.

I still want you to be with me though. That never changed. To be honest, I don't think it is ever going to. So, will you meet me here? The weather is nice and I miss you so much.

All my love,

Felix

It is too good to be true. Almost a miracle. She reads the letter over and over just to make sure she is getting it right.

They will be in the same place and she will hear his voice and see his face.

She can't help but hurry. She needs to get a plane ticket, pack up, check out of the house. She can make it there tomorrow, if everything goes right.