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Chapter 22 - Time is a wedge

A/N: This one will need a lot of editing sorry. It's almost 11PM and I'm pooped. 

Also, I changed a part of the previous chapter. The embarrassingly horrific bad line, "A betrayer is a betrayer" was rephrased to: 

"Father scoffed. "Betrayal is a mark of disgrace that causes one's slate to become irredeemably unclean. And one whose slate is marked with the filth of betrayal cannot be undone, making Haneul Bom himself, filthy, dirty...unclean. Such a man is no son of mine, Chanyeol, so just as I have wiped my hands, so should you."

Hope you're still enjoying!! 

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There were so many things I wanted to talk about with Jaemin, to try to string together words from the chaos in my mind and turn them into comprehensible sentences, so that she might help to unravel the heaviness in my heart. Like a boulder woven together by fears, doubts, and pain, now I could only add humiliation into the list. It was hard for me to say a single word now.

Why did I act like that after receiving sedation? I inwardly groaned. All words escaped me while I wallowed in my own embarrassment and shame. Chanyeol was not my father, and I was not his child. With this being the case, then why I acted like that was our dynamic was completely beyond me. Jaemin and Jung-ho both seemed to understand the reason for my quietness, instead engaging in gentle and unassuming conversation. Rather than laying down in my hospital bed, I sat on a chair beside Jung-ho's and acted more as a guest than a patient.

"And the kids have been especially missing their uncle Haneul," Jaemin grinned.

"Then we can arrange a playdate," I said, forcing myself to smile back. "Nothing quite gives me the feeling of life than seeing those two children so full and free with it."

Jaemin nodded. "They would love that, most certainly." She seemed to glance reluctantly at Jung-ho then back at me, taking a deep and worried breath. "You must have many things weighing on you, Haneul. Those kids will be a good way to lift your spirits, but so will talking about it. Is there anything you wish to seek counsel on from this old Aunty and Uncle?"

It surprised me to hear her refer to herself this way when she was the embodiment of beauty and youth, and I could not help but let slip a laugh. She smiled with relief as she noticed and shared that smile with Jung-ho.

"There has been a lot to deal with," I admitted, searching the palm of my hand as if it held the answers. "Chanyeol has a lover. We reconnected on so many occasions, but he always becomes drawn to this other person, although he says he does not love him. I know his position cannot change within just a few short days of learning the truth, I know that. But enlisting in the army for not more than three months before coming back to find my lover moved on is... is painful. And when I tell myself I can be strong and wait for him to tie his loose ends, whether that means tying me in or cutting me off, I realize that I am just torturing myself. Waiting for something that... that I cannot predict will break me or make me whole again. This loss of control, this loss of power, this helplessness and self-inflicted pain all because I choose not to move on until he ends it... I cannot handle this much. He and his father are my only family. What else can I do?"

I had been staring at the palm of my hand, pressing my thumb against the lines as I spoke out of nervousness and an emotional rupture. But when I looked up, I could see Jaemin's eyes had reddened, and tears filled to the brim without having yet spilled. Although as she shook her head, apologizing for what she called her dramatic response, those tears fell.

After clearing her throat, she forced a smile and apologized once more. "It's the menopause," she sniffed, wiping away the tears. "Don't mind me." Moments after pulling herself back together, she straightened up on the bed and tried smiling once more. "So, this must be very difficult for you, but you appear to be very understanding in the fact that both Chanyeol and the world have changed a lot over the past seven years."

I nodded. "As I try," I said. "Not that I have a lot of choice in the matter."

"It sounds to me like all hope is not lost," she said, soothingly. "He made clear that he does not love this other person, so there must still be room in his heart for you."

"We have so much history," I said. "I never could have imagined that seven years, or thirty years, or could ever drive such a wedge between us."

"Time is a wedge," she said, wearing such a woeful expression, as if she had experienced something herself. Jung-ho leaned forward and comfortingly touched her hand, she looked at him and smiled gratefully. "But it is also a healer. Chanyeol will come to understand his heart while you come to understand your place in this new world. Whether it is at his side or out on your own two feet, time will see to it that you hold the strength and courage needed to navigate your way through the world. Not only that, but you have our full and unbridled support. Your body may have grown older, but your mind is still young and so free. Use that to your advantage, hm?"

"What could I achieve with such a young mind?" I asked.

"Your experience is untainted by the hardships and changes that the world has seen these past several years," she said. "You can love without barriers. Do things like travel, meeting new people, making an impact on the world. The world doesn't stop at Chanyeol. It doesn't stop turning because feelings of a passionate love may be unrequited. There are many forms of love out there, Haneul, each one as fulfilling as the last."

These words may have sounded beautiful as they were laced with sincerity and hope. Perhaps this cacophony of perfectly strung together words may have rung true if this were a mere case of two lovers falling out over disconnect, or if one were to break the heart of the other byway of lust or an insincere heart; or perhaps a once hot and passionate love turned stale due to the inevitable passage of time. But our case was different. Our love did not stale. Neither one of us betrayed the other, and our love did not run its due course as we naturally drifted. If we met in a different lifetime, would things be different now?

There was a knock at the door before I could think to answer Jaemin. We both turned to see Dr. Sai enter the room, while another presence loomed behind him. Chanyeol stepped past the amiably smiling doctor and walked straight towards me with deep lines and furrowed brows. Something must have happened. Was his father still admitted in this hospital? Could he have gone to visit him? The thought tugged at my heart. I missed father-in-law very much. Even though it only felt like a few months had passed, I missed him as if I felt every aching moment of these past seven years. He was the father my own could never be. I pushed him out of my mind this past week while I got worked up about Chanyeol, but since things felt steadily improved, it should be fine to see him now, right?

"We need to leave," he said, picking my hand up in his.

I partially stood, staring up at him in question. "Did something happen?" I asked.

"Let's just go," he said, pulling harder until I was forced to my feet.

"Wait, Chanyeol­­––"

"Excuse me," Dr. Sai said, stepping in and holding a hand against Chanyeol's chest to wedge some distance between us. "You are causing a scene. Unruly behavior will result in forceful removal from this hospital."

Chanyeol glared at him. "You dare threaten a hospital Director?" Chanyeol asked, shoving his hand away, then returned his attention to me. His expression turned stressed and helpless. "Haneul, please. Let me explain when we are alone. Let us leave now."

Dr. Sai turned to me, waiting for some signal whether to intervene or to lower his guard. The helplessness in Chanyeol's eyes meant that something serious happened, and that although he acted brashly just now, he meant me no harm. Not intentionally, at least, because my wrist did begin to ache. I gave Dr. Sai a subtle nod, letting him know it was okay before he stepped aside and allowed Haneul to take my hand again. This time, he held it more gently and stroked my wrist with the tip of his thumb.

"Keep in touch, Haneul," Jaemin said. "And keep in mind those things I said."

I bowed to her, Jung-ho, and Dr. Sai. "I will," I said, then took my leave alongside Chanyeol.

My legs felt just the tiniest bit unsteady, but Chanyeol supported me all the way to the parking lot where he had parked his car. This was the second time I got to enter it and reveled at the computer-like screen inside of it. As I put on my belt, I noticed Chanyeol gripping the leather steering wheel without so much as touching his own belt. Silence ensued between us, while the car walls barely filtered out the noise of the outside world. Cars passing behind us, people walking in front of his parked car, car doors opening and closing, engines turning off and on. All of this stimulus around us, and yet the silence felt so heavy and lonely. I was scared to ask.

"What happened?" I asked, staring at his outstretched arms as I longed to touch them comfortingly. Chanyeol only tensed.

"You must miss Father a lot," he said.

"More than you could know," I said. "How is he doing? Is he well?"

"He's on the mend," Chanyeol said, gripping the steering wheel harder. "As much as he is able."

"That is a relief," I said, smiling somberly as I glanced out the window at a red car beside us. "I feared that perhaps something had gone wrong."

Chanyeol's expression was that of a dark and solemn ocean, caught below the eye of a deadly storm. Something bigger than him, bigger than us, was surely making him this way. I could tell by his expression that there was something he wished he could change but had no control over.

"May I go to visit him soon?" I asked. "He might be very surprised to learn that I am here like this."

Chanyeol first tensed then sighed, clicking on his seatbelt before reversing out of our park and leaving the hospital grounds. When we reached the underground parking of his apartment, he removed my seatbelt then leaned over to kiss me tenderly. His hand cupped my face as he pulled away, resting his forehead on mine while his thumb stroked my cheek. Our lips remained mere inches apart as we both sighed, hungry to continue and deepen that kiss and all that it might lead to.

Even though he did not answer me about visiting father-in-law, I could only remain patient. Chanyeol had always taken care of me in the past, prioritizing me even over himself. His actions or inactions would not be without serious thought and deliberation. All I could do was trust him.

"Alright," he whispered, pecking my lips once more. "Let's go in."

I nodded and followed him inside. When we reached his suite, Chanyeol scooped me into his arms and carried me straight to his bedroom. Caught by surprise, I could not help but laugh and cling to him until he carefully placed me down on his bed and kissed my forehead.

"My shoes are still on," I said, lifting my feet to point to my shoes.

"Then allow me to remedy that," he grinned, setting his knee down on the bed as he lifted my leg to set work on my shoe. He flung it behind him on the floor, and I almost grimaced when it nearly hit a perfectly tidy white wall. He did the same with the other, but I could not help but laugh and sit up to cusp his face in my hands and kissed his smiling lips. "I take it you were pleased by that."

"Was it possible not to be?" I teased, pressing more kisses around his mouth.

"Absolutely not," he answered, clenching his eyes shut as he leaned down to kiss my forehead again.

I could feel my body begin to respond to his affection, but Chanyeol distanced himself after some moments. Rather than elicit some passion between us, he pulled the covers and tucked me into bed. "It's best to rest now," he said. "It has been a long and difficult day."

Although I did not want to give away my awkward predicament, I could not help but to sigh. My strength was sapped of all energy, but my libido sure was not. Now that he was reenacting the part of a caring and thoughtful lover, sex with a partially sedated partner may have been out of the question. It was barely mid-morning, but here he was already climbing back into bed with me as if we had not left it. Even though I wished I could feel him deep inside me, it was enough just to feel him settle against my back and curl himself into me so that our bodies molded into one.

It was warm. And safe. Tiredness began to settle in, which came as either a side effect of the drug, or the peace I felt being held in his arms like this. I wanted to hold onto him and never let him go. 

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