A/N: R18+ 

My friends, I have no skill nor experience w/ writing sexy time so pls forgive the potential tragedy that is to ensue. And thnx

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Maybe I reached a point of delirium as I sat on the floor in the dark, leaning against the window with my head rolled back to see the clouds. The more my head swayed, the more it felt like I was falling upwards into them. The world rocked gently beneath me, as if cradling a wee infant to help it sleep. But sleep was something that would not come easily.

Part of me wanted to leave. To walk out that door in front of me, to seek refuge with Jaemin and Jung-ho, or with dead itself, and to never look back. To put the past behind me just as it had put me far behind it. But it was my own choice to fight for Chanyeol. If I could not handle this heartache then how could I hope to win him back? How could I find the strength to fight for his love if I could not stick around for this much? It was so easy to think these thoughts and to believe myself as somebody strong, but the execution was something much different.

With a heavy heart, I sighed and closed my eyes, defeated.

Time passed so slowly, but eventually, the door clicked open and light from the corridor shone into the apartment. Chanyeol walked through the door, rubbing his forehead. Shadow was cast over his face where the light behind him could not reach, so I had no way to tell of his expression. Was he aggrieved? Was he satisfied? Would he climb into his bed without a care in the world?

He turned the lights on and appeared startled when he noticed me sitting here. I might have been all dried up by now, I could not readily tell.

"Haneul," he said, glancing around the living room with confusion. "What are you doing down there?"

"Falling," I answered, rolling my head back again. Falling into the deepest pits of despair. "Where were you?"

I watched through my peripheral as he clenched his jaw and avoided my eyes, but he said nothing. He closed the door and passed me towards his bedroom.

"Okay then," I muttered to myself.

A cold chill ran deep into my skin, which I did not feel was a result of being drenched with rain. I cuddled into myself and saw some of the red cardigan showing through, reminding me that this part of Chanyeol and our history enveloped me in warmth, reminding me of his deep-rooted love. The dark red material rekindled my desire for acceptance and set my heart on fire.

Taking a deep breath, I picked myself up and followed him to the bedroom. With only his bedside lamp on, Chanyeol stood in front of his mirror, dimly lit by a warm orange glow while he removed his tie. Closing the door which had let the living room cast light on his face, he was now cast in deep shadow. He looked down at me. Or rather, not at me but... my neck. His brows furrowed as his eyes set there, and he looked angry, which I could not tell whether it was aimed at me or himself. Self-consciously, I touched my neck and peered at him, waiting to meet his eyes again.

"What is on your mind?" I asked, touching his arm. His eyes slowly trailed back to mine and looked studiously at me, filling me with hope that he might share with me his thoughts.

"Forget it," he said, after a moment's hesitation.

It would do me no good to overthink things, so I moved his hands aside and proceeded to finish unbuttoning his shirt for him. He stared off to the side, still not meeting my eyes.

I pulled his shirt around his shoulders and admired the outline of his body through his thin white undershirt. The shadows from him lamp only seemed to accentuate each contour and feature. When he finished freeing his arms from the shirt, he tossed it on the floor while still avoiding my gaze. It was when I brought my arms to his chest and gently stroked on the tight thin material left remaining that he finally met my eye.

"You finally look at me," I whispered, trailing my fingers along his collarbone as I held his stare. I picked up his hands and pulled them around my waist. Since he was not resisting, I could only assume that he was not as repulsed as I might have feared. His fingers lightly squeezed against me. "Are you uninterested? Just let me know so I won't make a fool of myself."

"You're drenched," he said, glancing at my hair and coat. Maybe I was reading the emotions of this stranger wrong. He was not like the boy I knew seven years ago, but he was not entirely dissimilar. This was not a denial nor rejection. In fact, his response sent a wave of hope through me.

"I won't be once you remove my clothes," I murmured, tugging at his undershirt to remove it. "But let's first finish with yours."

Chanyeol complied, lifting his arms so that I could lift it over his head. He looked helplessly at me, no longer stern and dissonant the way he had been just a few moments before. I so badly wanted to know what thoughts were going through his mind right now. Why did he act so harshly, just to look at me so tenderly right now?

He stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers with so much tenderness, like he worried I might melt beneath his touch. His eyes flitted over my face as if trying to confirm if it was me standing in front of him. Something must have happened that I did not know about. It's as if he thought he was hallucinating. Or maybe I was right now.

Lifting onto my toes, I captured Chanyeol's lips with mine. He looked confused and his arms hung rigid at his sides. I wondered if he would not respond the way I hoped, but soon he closed his eyes and relaxed into the kiss. He tasted strongly of alcohol with a trace of fresh mint, so I could only imagine he had yet to sober. Would he regret this? Would he even remember it? But even after all these years, he still responded to me so naturally if not for that moment's hesitation. Such a connection could not possibly be wrong. At least I hoped I was not wrong.

His arms enveloped me around my waist, and I became lost in a mixture of fatigue and excitement. Though I wanted to lay my head in his lap and rest, I could not waste this opportunity to be close with him again. If he had forgotten how to love me, then I needed only remind him. And when the few moments of bliss passed and I would inevitably sink back into a state of self-agony and loathing, knowing this night would only comprise of transactional reciprocity, with one-sided feelings of desire, hope, sadness, and love; then I would simply slip away to lick my wounds.

"I want to feel you," I whispered, leaning forward so I could rest my lips against his chest. Even though he smelled of hotel soap, I could still detect his scent which still seemed the same after all these years. His hand came up behind my back and pulled me against him.

"You should shower or else you'll get sick," he said, now stroking the back of my hair.

I pulled away just far enough to look up at him. "Why when you can keep me warm instead?"

His lips tightened so I thought he would protest, but they came crashing down on mine instead. Pushing me down on the bed, his hand held my head protectively while he refused to break the kiss. Our tongues swirled with hunger and desperation as I gripped his shoulders, wishing he could somehow melt deeper inside me. I wanted our bodies to intertwine. Even if it only felt like a few months for me, was seven years not long enough?

Chanyeol helped me out of the coat but did not attempt to remove his red cardigan. Instead, he lifted it above my chest and brought his mouth down on my exposed skin. His hot breath and warm tongue trailed softly along my skin as if to savor my taste. I shivered beneath him. From his touch alone I could tell he was no longer the nineteen-year-old I loved, but a strange adult man whom I loved just the same. Even though he had changed in every imaginable way, the tenderness in his touch as he trailed his fingers as along my hips could almost make me weep.

Chanyeol supported himself on his forearms and buried his head in my neck, rocking like a sensual wave as he teased me with gentle grinding. The barrier of our clothes was too much for me, but I felt so self-conscious like this that I could only let him take the lead. I soon felt his tongue swirling down my neck, then back up as he began to gently suck the lobe of my ear. Feeling his hot breath somewhere so intimate felt like I was being consumed, and I lost myself in the tingles being sent down my body.

When he brought his face back over mind and looked down at me, he seemed to study me profusely, as if determining whether this was really real. Perhaps he was still far gone. Maybe I was wrong to engage with this. If Chanyeol was not of sound mind, then I did not want him to wake up to heart filled with regret. Those kinds of emotions were for me to bear alone; I wanted to spare him of them entirely.

"Do you wish to go all the way?" he asked, eyes trailing from mine, then down to my lips. "Is that truly what you want?"

I lifted my hand and stroked his cheek, nodding. "More than you could know."

"But it has been a long time for you," he said, propping himself on one arm so he could rub his. A habit he had always done when doubtful, stressed, or contemplative.

"Then I know you will be gentle," I said, feeling the bed shift as he lowered his arm back down and propped himself above me. My feelings became too brave. "I know you will always treat me tenderly, and care for me."

Chanyeol's body went rigid as he stared down at me with widened eyes and furrowed brows. It was a foreign expression that made me unsure of how he would react. Perhaps I took it too far, because even if I struggled to come to terms with the fact that we were strangers, my behavior and attitude towards him were just the same now as seven years ago. All I did was trap him back inside the past.

If he were to resent me right now, I would have no hope to face him again. I closed my eyes and clamped down on my lip, trying to calm my overstimulated heart and the condemning thoughts that overwhelmed me. All I wanted was to feel the heat of his mouth and body, to melt into his embrace, to have him hold me so lovingly just as he did in the past. I wanted to forget that my beloved and I lived in two separate lifetimes. Lying helplessly, I braced myself for him to move off me and part ways. Instead, I felt a drop just below my eye.

As I carefully opened my eyes, I was stunned to see tears falling from them. He sniffed and stroked hair away from my forehead before planting a prolonged kiss there. Seeing tears in his eyes weakened my heart but strengthened my resolve, assuring me that he was as deeply affected by this as I was. That fundamental part of our love had not changed.

Receiving the reassurance needed to persevere just this once, I pushed Chanyeol up and rolled him onto his back before climbing on top of him instead. I held his face in my hands and gently stroked his cheeks, planting soft kisses all over his forehead, eyelids, cheeks, and nose. I kissed away his tears even as more trickled down, then trailed my lips down his neck and towards his collarbone. His hands came to my waist and held me firmly, lifting his hips so we could continue getting lost in waves of rolling pleasure.

"Haneul," he whispered, kissing my cheek and below my jaw as his hands moved down to my pants. His fingers slipped into the back of my pants and squeezed my cheek hard then thrusted up against me, making us grind together harder than before. I could feel him hardening. "Am I dreaming?"

"Perhaps," I murmured, trailing kisses down his chest. "But maybe we both are."

"I would believe that," he said, bringing his hand out to lick his fingers then slid them back inside my pants. This time, his fingers ventured somewhere different. As I felt a sharp prick behind me, I clenched and gritted my teeth. "Relax," he whispered, gently stroking the area.

"It's hard," I murmured.

"I know," he answered, kissing my cheek. His finger continued to prod and tease until I got used to the sensation, rubbing against him with unyielding fervor.

"This is taking too long," he said, then rolled me over before I had a chance to answer.

He lifted my hips and legs into the air and began pulling down my trousers. "Wait, I'm not ready. What are you doing?"

Chanyeol didn't respond. He pulled down my trousers and briefs and let them both sit at my ankles where they restricted my leg movement. Not only was my position too awkward to reach out and pull them off, but using my feet only caused the material to roll. Chanyeol lifted my hips high, making me yelp and grip the bed sheets. When I thought he would insert himself before I was ready, I closed my eyes and braced myself for a pain that did not come.

Instead, I was met with a hot and wet sensation. When I realized what he was doing, dread and embarrassment swept through me. I tried to push his shoulders away, but he gripped me tighter and pulled me harder against his face.

"I didn't shower!" I gasped as his tongue worked its way inside me.

"There's no part of you that isn't clean," he said, pulling away just far enough to leave trails of kisses around my buttocks. "You still taste this sweet."

I groaned, too tense and embarrassed to truly enjoy the sensations as he continued the onslaught. When I thought he would never finish, he finally pulled his head away and looked at me with a goofy grin. With his head encased between my legs and trousers, he looked silly enough that I chuffed and leaned back with defeat. He trailed just a few more kisses around my most sensitive parts before pulling his pants off and positioning himself between my legs.

"I have no protection," he said, kissing the inner sides of my knees. "I'm clean."

The fact that he had to tell me that was a painful reminder that he was no stranger to doing this with other people. Maybe it was due to the fact that he did not allow his sexual partners inside his doors that he had none readily available here. Whether that thought gave me any sort of consolation or not, well, that was difficult for me too. Rather than dwelling for too much longer, I nodded.

"Keep going," I said.

Chanyeol positioned himself but showed a moment's hesitation. Terrified that he would back out again, I wrapped my legs around his thighs and pulled him into me. We both groaned as he entered inside me. I could feel myself shaking from the mix of discomfort and pleasure. He collapsed against me and lay like a plank so that he almost covered every inch of my skin, breathing heavily while trying to collect himself. I ran my fingers through his hair and down his back, then gripped his waist with my legs and continued rocking against him.

I kissed everywhere that I could, touched him everywhere that I could. He enveloped me in his arms and held me tight against him. For the rest of the night, Chanyeol took me to unimaginable heights. An animalistic side of him I'd never seen before took over and stole my breath away. Just like this, I could finally find my way safely back in his arms.