Subhadra insisted on coming to Dwarka with him and of course, Arjun couldn't deny her. As much as he would like to be alone till he got to Madhav, Subhadra had every right to go meet both her brothers.

In the chariot, Subhadra tried to engage him in conversation, but Arjun found himself sticking to short, one worded replies. Subhadra caught on to his mood soon enough and fell mostly silent for the rest of the ride, only lacing her hand through his. He was grateful for the contact.

Arjun felt particularly glad that since he hadn't been sleeping with either of his wives recently, he didn't have to explain anything regarding his nightmares.

Though they travelled through the whole night, Arjun didn't find a wink of sleep even as Subhadra fell asleep against his shoulder. Thankfully, he didn't need to sleep.

The whole of the next day was quiet as well and they stopped only for food and to give rest to the horses.

As the next dawn approached and they neared Dwarka, Arjun looked up at the rising sun. He knew it was not good for one's eyes to look at the Sun even in the lack of brightness at dawn and dusk(unless of course, you were Karna and now the man being able to just stare at the Sun without blinking made sense), but he just couldn't help it.

Was their brother with his Father? He had to be. What did he think of the whole thing about Vrishaketu? He probably hated Arjun even more for making his only remaining son cry.

Arjun turned his eyes away as the doors of Dwarka seemed to open on their own and--of course, of course Madhav was already standing at the city gates, waiting for them. 

Arjun felt a weak smile tugging at his lips as he gently shook his wife awake.

Once they descended from the chariot, Subhadra threw herself at Madhav in a tight embrace and then as they rode till the Palace with Madhav, she chattered non-stop with her brother, causing him and Arjun to exchange fond glances over her head. 

Just for a while, the pain seemed to recede.

Once Subhadra went to look for Bal-Dau, Madhav took one look at Arjun's drooping face and dragged him straight to his personal chambers.

"Well go on, don't make me wait." He said, waving a hand at Arjun.

Arjun blinked. "What?"

"You're upset. You came to visit. Took you long enough, I might add." Madhav said significantly. "But now that you're here, go on."

Arjun looked down, gulping.

"I feel like a monster, Madhav."

 "....What?" 

 "My nephew thinks I am going to kill him even after the war has ended..." 

 Madhav listened in silence.

"It's just. Vrishaketu fought in the war. He saw the horrors of war. He wasn't afraid then. But now... now he fears me. Despite being an excellent archer, he was afraid enough of me, that he accidentally let an arrow lose. That just doesn't happen to trained archers." Arjun said desperately.

"He will need time to recover, Parth."

"Yes, I know that but. But watching him be so afraid of me.... it's like...  it breaks my heart." Arjun sighed.

Madhav looked at him carefully. 

"He reminds you of Abhimanyu, doesn't he?" he asked quietly.

Arjun's bowed head snapped up. "What? No--Why-- why would you think that, no that's not the reason. It's simply that he's a child and I have caused him so much pain in a war caused by things that were no fault of his in any way and now he fears me."

"Certainly," Madhav agreed. "But he is also only a year younger than Abhimanyu was and is an excellent archer and he has lost his father and you have lost your sons and he is the last remaining child of your family. Are you quite sure that your feelings have nothing to do with that?"

Arjun looked away. 

"Then there's the fact that he looks exceedingly like the Angaraj." Krishna continued when Arjun didn't speak. "And you never got to know him and now you want to know him through his son."

Arjun felt the familiar tightness in his chest resurface. 

"Why must you say all of that out loud Madhav?"

"You came to me Parth." He said gently. "Was it not so that I could help you figure things out?"

"All you're doing is making me face unpleasant truths." Arjun said drily. "You've not done anything to help me figure out what to actually do about it."

"Ah but facing unpleasant truths is taking the first step in the right direction!" Krishna said, thumping Arjun on his back and then pulling him against himself, an arm around his shoulder. Arjun let his head fall against Madhav's shoulder.

"Mata said she prefers that the Angaraj is dead instead of me." he murmured.

"Can't say I disagree with her." Madhav said after a pause.

Arjun raised his head up, glaring at his infuriating friend. "You are my friend, though. She was both of our mother. How can she prefer the death of one son over the other?!"

"Did you not love Iravan?" Madhav asked abruptly.

"What?" Arjun asked, blinking dumbly at the seeming non-sequitur. "Of course I did. He was my son!"

"And yet, you did not mourn your eldest son's death as much as you did Abhimanyu and Shrutakarma."

Arjun fell silent, feeling like a terrible father, but also understanding what Madhav was trying to say.

"You didn't truly know your eldest son. You loved him, yes, but from a distance. He had become a man before you ever saw him. And thus you did not grieve him the way you did the death of your other sons. It is the same with Bua Kunti."

"But I didn't abandon him!" Arjun protested weakly. For the first time, he did not want to be compared to his mother as a parent, at least in regards of their eldest sons.

"No, you didn't. But you didn't raise him."

"But I never said he wasn't my son! He was! I accepted him!" Arjun said, needing to hear from Madhav that he had been better than his mother.

"Yes," Madhav agreed. "But that's no great deed, you only did your duty. Why ever would you not accept your son?! Your mother.... in doing what she did by not acknowledging the Angaraj, she committed a grave mistake, which cost a very heavy price."

Arjun buried his head in his hands. He got his acknowledgement but along with it, the reminder, of just how many lives could have been spared if their Mother had told them the truth much earlier, if the Angaraj could have been a bridge between the Kauravas and Pandavas, if the Dyut Sabha never happened, if the war had not happened.

"What should I do Madhav? What should I do?"

"There is nothing to do but give it time." Madhav said sadly. "And perhaps properly get to know Vrishaketu."

Arjun gave a tearful laugh. 

"Get to properly know him? He can't bear the sight of me."

"Well," Madhav said thoughtfully, "You don't necessarily have to start with him. Maybe try to make your peace with the other members of your family first? You might actually succeed in making some amends then and at the same time you might just make Vrishaketu curious enough by your attempts, for him to tolerate your presence."

I. Am the least pleased with this chapter so far. Like I have said, I don't know how to write Madhav so. I don't know how well I've done.

Now I really wanted to include the point about Arjun's feelings of hurt and betrayal towards Krishna knowing about Karna's birth and still instructing Arjun to kill him while he was weaponless and on the ground, but. I don't think I am capable of writing that much heavy stuff. Besides Arjun doesn't need to know that right now, he's suffering enough.

So, bye-bye!