Chapter 17: A Mere Pause From Thinking
(~George Gordon)
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That dream was on Raven's mind the whole day. She couldn't shake it no matter what she did. Even when she got new blades, better guns, and throwing knives, his voice, the feeling of the freshly sharpened metal digging into her neck, and the strike of pain she felt when he made the first cut played on repeat in her mind. She remembered it all perfectly, like it was an actual memory. But it was a dream. An eerily real dream.

She tried to focus on something else: the clothes she was going to wear. Even though she didn't want to go, she pretty much owed Matt since she ordered him to do other things that he really didn't want to do.

"No...no...no...nope..." She filed through her dresses, then finally landed on one. "I guess this is fine." She was reluctant to put the dress on but for some reason she slipped it up her body mindlessly and put her arms through the sleeves anyway. She grabbed a pair of silver earings and her shoes and walked into the bathroom to put the earings on, then the doorbell rang.

She reluctantly left the bathroom, shoes in hand, and opened the door.

She looked up at Matt, who was obviously staring.

"Hey, could you stop that?" The blush was coming and if she didn't stop it would break through the makeup she had on.

"Oh, sorry. You look nice." But the blush could not be stopped!

"...thanks." She was uncharacteristically shy. She sat on the couch and put her shoes on. "You can come in. I'm almost ready..."

He shut the door.

"You just need your purse?" He asked. She replied with a small nod. By the time he came back with the silver clutch she was standing in the blue heels that matched her blue dress with the sleeves tightly clinging to her upper arm. Her hair fell onto her shoulders easily reaching the top of her dress. In the heels she was back up to almost his height. He kind of preferred it this way. "Here."

She meekly took it and threw the long strap over her shoulder and it rested on the other side.

"Hey don't look so stiff. I've never worn these clothes either." He laughed. He was wearing a white v-neck T-shirt under a green bomber jacket, ripped jeans and black boots.

"Really? If I didn't know any better I'd think that's your favorite jacket or something." She crossed her arms.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you like wearing that dress in front of me." Ultra embarrassment engaged.

"I...uh...I don't..."

"Haha! Did it again."

"I hate you. Are we gonna go or what?"

"Fine, if you're so eager to go." He grinned. Raven held a growl in the back of her throat. He was messing with her and she was too nervous and embarrassed to do much about it.

They took his car, which was surprisingly nice.

"Have you ever been to a club before, Rave?"

"Yes, but it was after college and during a mission. I basically had to be a stripper and go to a bunch of clubs."

"Jeez."

"The things I do for my job." She gazed out the window at the city lights. Before she knew it they were there and her heart must've skipped a beat when Matt tapped her shoulder.

"Nervous are we?"

"No. I'm not...nervous." Matt playfully rolled his eyes and got out of the car. Raven didn't move. "You coming?" She reluctantly got out of the car and walked with him to the entrance.

Even just standing in the parking lot, Raven could feel the bass drop to a dubstep blasting inside.

Why was she so unsure about this? Did the dream make her question everything now? Or was it the fact that her and alcohol had a bad history? The latter was probably it.

Raven knows her limit sure, but when she gets there, her judgement is already impaired and she asks for that fatal glass that tips her over the edge from a .07 to a .08.

Solution? Don't drink. Reality? You know it's not that simple.

They walked up to the bouncer and Matt had a cocky grin on his face, cutting in front of the entire line.

"Back of the– Matt?"

"What's up Butch?" Butch laughed loudly.

"Man I haven't seen you here in ages! Who's that with you?"

"That's Raven."

"Hello."

"Well stop standing there and come in! There's beer waitin' for ya."

"Thanks man." They went in, still cutting the entire line and Butch placed his hands behind his back. Matt let Raven go in first as he slipped five one-hundred dollar bills into Butch's hands.

"Never again." Butch whispered.

"I saw that, Matt." Raven said over her shoulder.

"Uh saw what??"

"You just had five hundreds in your back pocket?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Her sigh ended with a tiny smile.

The club was big, but there weren't that many people relative to its size. It felt a little empty. Nonetheless the music was still going strong and people were still yelling as loud as they possibly could.

The club was clearly separated. The men were at the bar and their dates were on the dancefloor. Some of them were trying to get them up off the barstools to dance with them. But they either didn't want to dance or they were just already drunk and should've probably went home.

Matt looked around. It looked like he was deciding whether to dance or get a drink first.

Raven didn't want to do much of either.

But she didn't voice her opinion and he dragged her to the dancefloor.

"Wait, Matt!" She yelled over the music. "I can't dance...!"

"Oh come don't sell yourself short! You probably just haven't done it in a long time!" She darted her eyes to the ground. She had been caught. That was the case for most of these things now so Matt was starting to read her like an open book.

"Doesn't matter! I don't want to dance!"

"No excuses! You can sit at home and drink wine with music on all you want! You're going to have fun tonight if it's the last thing I do!"

"It might be if you keep this up." She didn't yell over the music and it's like she wasn't even speaking. He brought her into the the thick of the crowd. Everyone was dancing and having fun except for a few people, including Raven.

She just watched people dance. Her eyes glazed over people until they landed on Matt who wasn't paying attention to her. Dancing was his focus at the moment and she didn't mind that one bit. He seemed to be enjoying himself though. He had a good sense of rhythm, moving to the beat in perfect time. She wondered of he played any instruments.

She kept thinking about Matt and her mind wandered as her hips started to move. Her mind went to the company she was currently working for. Then the company Rachel was currently working for. Then the people Nightengale was supposed to kill. The fact that she was living a triple life finally hit her hard.

How could she keep this up? A double life was bad enough. But now a triple life?! She wasn't sure she could do it. And what if she got caught?! So many different things could go wrong. What if this was the one mission she failed? What if this was the one mission she never makes it out of?

Beads of sweat trickle down her face. Her eyes dart around in a nervous wreck.

Then, like a switch, she stopped thinking about everything.

Matt was right. She was stressed out. Really stressed out. She needed a break. She needed time to let her hair down and let loose.

Finally she decided to start dancing.

"Hey there ya go!" Matt shouted happily. Raven actually looked like she was having fun, moving with the music not having a care in the world. She even cracked a smile. A genuine smile.

She's happy... Ha. Not bad Mattyboy. Not bad.

He never thought he'd be dancing with Raven in his entire lifetime.

They danced for a while until they realized how hot it was, and that being in the middle of the crowd wasn't helping, so they eventually made their way to the bar. It was in an area where the speakers weren't as loud so they could actually hear eachother speak if they didn't yell.

"Want a drink?" Matt asked confidently. Her first inclination was to say 'no' but...

"Just get me a Martini."

"Ok." He turned to call over the bartender.

"Wait," he turned back around. "Stirred." He grinned.

"Hey bartender!" The unusually cheery looking guy walked over and leaned on the counter.

"What can I getcha?" Raven raised an eyebrow, but the bartender didn't seem to notice.

"Scotch on the rocks for me and a Martini for her. Stirred."

"Right on it." Matt put his card on the counter.

"Put them on my tab." Matt added smoothly.

"No prob."

Matt turned back to Raven who was smiling, looking back at the dancefloor at all the people.

"You wanna go back out?"

"No. I'm just looking at them." There was a silence between them for a moment.

"You know you were one of them right?"

"Huh?" She looked at him.

"You were out there dancing and having fun too."

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Because it looked like you've never had fun before in your entire life. Before you started dancing you looked like a mannequin that hasn't been posed yet; standing as stiff as a board. But then you did and you looked like you were actually happy for once." Raven was blushing really hard. Luckily for her the lights kind of nullified the pigment in her cheeks.

"I've been happy before. Just not that often. There's very few things that make me happy nowadays other than my job."

"Your job makes you happy? Can I tell you the truth for once, Rave? I don't think doing what you do really makes you happy. I just think you want it to so that's what you tell yourself."

"..."

"What actually makes you happy Raven? I see dancing is obviously one of them."

"It's not dancing per say. It's just the feeling I get when I relax. That makes me happy."

"Haha. That makes lots of people happy. What else? There gotta be–"

"Reading..." She blurted out.

"Wha?"

"Reading. That's what makes me happy." She claimed.

"You like to read?"

"I love to read. I love books in general. When I'm old I just want to sit in a soft chair on my terrace in the early morning reading a nice book." She stated. "That homey feeling was my dream when I was little. But I was too busy working on my skills. When I did get a chance to pick up a book I wouldn't leave my room for a few days unless I was hungry or had to bathe."

"Wow. Who knew Raven Roth's a bookworm? That's good though. If it'll replace that scowl with a smile I'm all for it."

"The scowl is my default. You should know that by now."

Matt laughed and she smiled because of it. Smiling also felt really good too.

"Here ya go. A Scotch in the rocks and a Martini. Stirred." The bartender handed them their drinks and Raven's smile faded away.

"Thanks." She took a sip and set the glass down on the coaster. Matt on the other hand took a nice swig or two and put it straight into the counter.

"You're an animal." Raven states.

"Says the one who's named after one." She narrowed her eyes at him as he laughed.

They continued to talk over the next 3 or 4 rounds.

"You feelin' it yet Rave?" Matt asked slyly.

"Matt, I may look like a lightweight, but I can hold my alcohol. Just you wait."

"Am I gonna get to see drunk Raven tonight?"

"Depends. Will I see drunk Matt?"

"I hope not. I have to drive you home."

After the 6th round they got back to dancing. They were a little tipsy but certainly not drunk. They got a cup of water and went back to the bar, not expecting to get anything else. They just wanted a place to sit and every other seat was taken.

Then the bartender walked over to them.

"Hey so the manager told me that she's giving two free drinks to everyone at the bar tonight. You guys want them?"

"Sure. I guess there's no harm." Matt was quick to answer. Raven was going to say no because her limit was 8. Anymore and she'd be dead drunk.

Buuuuut as long as she has no more than 8 there shouldn't be a problem, right?

"I'll take 'em."

They got to 8, and Matt was drunk. At least she knows his limit now. Now she'd have to drive home. For some reason she bought an extra one in addition to the two free ones. She got Matt's credit card back after 6 so they were supposed to be the last. But Raven bought this one with her own cash.

She stared into the glass.

Should I? I can't drive us home... But...

She looked at Matt who seemed to be staring off into space a little.

And down it went.

She ordered who-knows-how-many more drinks and they started their decent into madness.

This was going to be a rough ride home.

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This chapter was supposed to be published with the last two because chapter 15 was so short but I didn't think I could finish it soon enough (which I didn't) so here it is now.

Sorry 😅

~Rae