Trigger Warning: Mention of Suicide and Violence

When it rains, it pours—that was an old saying I never thought was true. Na darating talaga sa punto ng buhay na magsasabay-sabay ang mga problema at wala ka nang matitirang ibang pamimilian kung hindi ang sumuko na lang.

Madaling araw na nang magising ako. Wala si Kobe sa tabi ko at parang hindi rin nagusot ang kama. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan siya, pero sigurado akong hindi siya tumabi sa akin.

And I was right.

Lumabas ako at nakita siyang bihis na bihis pa rin habang natutulog sa couch. Bumalik ako sa loob ng kwarto at kumuha ang comforter at unan. I felt a bit guilty that he didn't sleep in a comfortable place because of me. Ipinatong ko sa katawan niya ang comforter at inayos ang ulo niya sa unan. Bahagya siyang gumalaw kaya dali-dali akong lumayo sa kanya.

Umupo ako sa single couch at tiningnan ang mukha niya. Who would've thought that he'd love me? Parang noon ay pinanonood ko lang siya sa Youtube. Parang noon ay hinihiling ko lang na makita siya nang malapitan. I never imagined I'd fall in love with him so deeply that I'd give up everything to be with him. I have nothing to lose now.

Alam kong kahit i-delete ni Jennifer ang post ay kalat na rin 'yon. That's why people always say we should think before we click. Hindi ko alam kung nagsisisi ba siya na sinabi niya pa 'yon, pero ngayong personal siyang humingi ng tawad kay Kobe ay tama siguro ang sinabi ng lalaki. Ayaw niyang madamay si Jennifer sa gulo ng Soul Production.

I stayed with him for a bit longer until I decided to make a glass of milk for myself. Isang beses pa akong tumingin sa kanya bago umakyat.

"Have you seen Karsen's face earlier?"

That was Tita Penelope's voice... and she mentioned my name. I had enough of eavesdropping, but my feet automatically stopped to hear her properly. Nakaawang ang pinto ng opisina niya at kahit mahina lang ang boses niya ay abot na abot iyon ng pandinig ko.

"Ma." Nabosesan ko si Ate Clea.

"God, I really hate that girl."

"Ma!" pigil ang sigaw ni Ate Clea.

"Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ipinagpalit ni Kobe si Jennifer kay Karsen. She's prettier, more successful, and she has the perfect background for someone like Kobe."

"Hindi na bata si Kobe, Ma. He knows what he's doing."

I clenched my teeth in anger. Hindi pa rin pala tapos si Tita.

"Hindi ko alam kung ano pang gagawin ko para lang mapalayas ang babaeng 'yan dito. I want her to break up with Kobe!"

"What?" tanong ni Ate Clea. "What's happening to you, Ma?"

"You should get it by now, Clea!" Tumaas ang boses niya. "They're not for each other!"

"That's not for you to decide."

Tita Penelope scoffed. Hindi ko alam kung namamanhid na ako pero wala akong maramdamdaman sa sinasabi niya. Maybe I got used to it. Mas magugulat pa ako kung pupuriin niya ako.

"Don't you recognize her?"

Nagpantig ang tainga ko. I held onto the railings of the stairs to support myself.

"She was Yumi's child!"

Kumunot ang noo ko. Yumi... is that supposed to be the name of my mother?

"I don't understand, Ma..." saad ni Ate Clea. "Yumi? The one who has down syndrome?"

Hindi ko sila naiintindihan. I knew that my parents had an ugly past with them... but I don't get what they're saying... and why is it my fault.

"Yes! That one flirt who tried to ruin our family!" galit na galit ang boses niya.

Inihakbang ko ang paa. I don't want to know the truth anymore. Labas na ako roon.

Tita Penelope hissed. "Abnoy na malandi, that's quite a disease."

I closed my eyes tightly. That I can't take. Gusto ko silang sugurin, pero wala akong lakas ng loob na humarap sa kanila. Wala akong alam sa nangyari at kung totoong nasaktan ng nanay ko si Tita, hindi ko dapat iwaksi ang naramdaman niya.

"Ma, it's not Karsen's fault."

Napaigtad ako nang makarinig ako ng pagkabasag.

"Shut up, Clea! Shut up!" Dinaga ang dibdib ko sa boses ni Tita. "Ikaw dapat ang unang-unang tumanggi sa relasyon nila dahil nakita mo ang paghihirap ko dahil sa nanay ng babaeng 'yon! A-Alam mo dapat 'yan!" Her voice cracked and I didn't know why I felt her pain. "Y-Your father was willing to leave us to be a father to Karsen. Keep that in your fucking mind!"

Napakurap ako sa narinig. I was trying to digest her words, but my mind couldn't process everything well.

"Ma, keep it down, please..."

"You saw me cry day and night! You saw me beg your father to stay with us! K-Kung hindi pa namatay mula sa panganganak si Yumi, hindi babalik sa akin si L-Lucho!" I thought I was numb, but I felt my heart breaking at Tita Penelope's voice. "He gave Dawn Karsen a name similar to the initials of your brother because he wanted to adopt her... kahit pa buhay pa noon si Dominic!"

Ibinaba ko ang baso ng gatas at hinang-hinang napaupo sa hagdan. The revelation was too much for my heart to handle.

"Lucho didn't give you a name, Clea! I did!" sigaw niya ulit. "Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nakita ng tatay mo sa abnormal na 'yon at naisip niyang talikuran tayo para magpaka-tatay sa hindi niya naman anak! He even ruined his friendship with Dominic! And if Dominic hadn't killed himself because of depression, he would've shared half of our assets!"

"M-Ma, stop it..."

"Tell me I have all the right to be mad at Karsen. She was the fruit of Yumi and Dominic, but your father wanted to get himself involved. I get that Yumi was kind and warm, but attempting to leave me because of her?" She scoffed. "Kahit anong gawin ko, hinding-hindi ko matatanggap si Karsen. She reminded me of the past I wanted so badly to forget."

Nanlalambot akong tumayo at dumiretso sa kwarto. Inisang inom ko ang gatas at kahit napaso ang dila ko ay naiwan akong nakatulala lang sa pinto. I pulled a handful of my hair and tried to get things off of my mind, but I couldn't. Parang may tanikalang sumasakal sa dibdib at lalamunan ko.

Don't think of anything, Karsen. It's way beyond your control.

Kinuha ko ang cellphone at isinalpak ang earphones sa tainga ko. Itinodo ko ang volume at nagpatugtog ng kanta ni Kobe. Bumalik ako sa pagkakahiga kahit na dinadaga pa rin ang dibdib ko. I need to shut my thoughts off. Kapag nag-isip pa ako ay hindi imposibleng puntahan ko ngayon ang ginang at harap-harapan siyang tanungin. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to hear anything from her.

Hindi na ako nakabalik sa pagtulog kaiisip sa narinig. Kung hindi pa pumasok si Kobe sa kwarto ay hindi ko mamamalayang umaga na.

"Karsen," he whispered nervously. "P-Puwedeng lumapit sa 'yo?"

"Oo," maliit ang tinig na sagot ko.

Dahan-dahan siyang nagtungo sa tabi ko. Pinilit ko ang sariling ibigay sa kanya ang buong atensyon ko pero lumilipad ang utak ko sa nakaraan ng mg magulang namin.

"N-Narinig mo 'yong heartbeat ng baby natin?" mahinang tanong niya. "Sa susunod na check-up mo ba... puwede marinig ulit 'yon? Sasamahan kita."

Guilt held my heart tightly. Rinig na rinig ko ang takot sa boses ni Kobe.

"H-Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko naitanong. May ibinigay na sonogram sa 'kin si Dr. Constantino. Nasa sling bag ko. Tingnan mo na lang."

"Ahh, really? I'll have it framed." He chuckled awkwardly before getting the sonogram inside my bag. Tumitig siya roon pero wala siyang ibang sinabi. Hindi rin ako nagsalita dahil hindi ko naman alam kung ano ang dapat sabihin.

I saw him smile before he returned his eyes to me. "You did well. Kailan ka babalik?"

I shrugged. "Ako na ang bahala ro'n, Kobe. 'Wag mo nang isipin."

He was taken aback. "What are you saying?"

I pursed my lips. "Pagkatapos ng concert mo, saka mo na kami problemahin." Pinaglaruan ko ang daliri sa comforter. "Alam kong nandito ka para yayain akong kumain, pero kayo na lang muna siguro. Hindi pa naman ako gutom. M-May iba rin akong gustong kainin."

I felt his hand on my elbow. "Hmm? What's that? I'll buy it. Dalawang araw akong nandito. W-We can have a vacation. Kung gusto mo ng mas matagal, I can talk to my team. B-Baka payagan naman nila ako. Do you want that?"

I shook my head. "Ikaw na lang. Magpahinga ka. Kailangan mo 'yon."

Pinanood ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa mukha niya. His lips twitched before he tore his gaze off of me. Nakita ko ang paglunok niya na para bang nasaktan siya sa sinabi ko pero wala sa isip ko ang pagbawi noon. I really want to be alone now. I don't want to see any of them. Oorder na lang ako ng strawberry milkshake mamaya dahil natapon sa kotse ang binili ko kahapon.

"I'll give you some time..." Kobe whispered. Bumaling siya sa akin at malungkot na ngumiti. "Sorry..."

Umiling lang ako.

"You still won't... leave me... right?" He gave me another sad smile when I didn't answer. "Yeah, of course. You just needed time."

Mahigpit akong kumapit sa comforter. He looked pained, but I couldn't say anything. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko masagot ang tanong niya. After hearing his mother, I don't think I can survive and live here anymore. Ayaw nila sa akin... at madaling sabihin para kay Kobe na hindi importante 'yon dahil gusto siya ng lahat. He wouldn't experience being hated just by existing. He didn't even know that my birth almost ruined his perfect family.

"Karsen," kinakabahang tawag niya. "Don't just stare at me. Y-You won't leave me, right?" ulit niya sa tanong niya. "Why aren't you answering?" Walang salitang kinuha niya ang dalawang kamay ko at paulit-ulit na hinalikan iyon. "Is this because of what happened yesterday? I'm sorry... I was wrong. H-Hindi ko na uulitin."

"Kobe." Sinubukan kong bawiin ang kamay ko ngunit hinigpitan niya lang ang kapit doon.

"What do you want me to do? Hmm? Tell me..." puno ng lambing na tanong niya.

"Ialis mo 'ko rito," buong tapang na sabi ko. "I don't want to live here, Kobe."

Paulit-ulit siyang tumango. "O-Okay. We'll return to my pad and I'll hire a private nurse for you."

Umiling ako. "Ayoko ng nurse." Gastos na naman 'yon.

"Okay." He kissed my hands. "Aayusin ko na ang mga gamit natin at aalis na tayo ngayon..."

He did everything rashly. Parang lahat ng sasabihin ko ay susundin niya. He looked nervous and tense. Guilt was crippling in my system, but he was my only hope left. Kapag nagtagal ako rito ay lalong masasaktan si Tita. Lalo niyang maaalala ang pagkakamali ni Don Lucho. I don't want to hurt her any further. We're not good for each other. Nagkakasakitan kami at hindi mabuti sa pagbubuntis ko ang pagtira sa iisang bahay kasama siya.

"Where are you going?" tanong niya nang makababa kami ni Kobe bitbit ang mga gamit namin.

"I'm sorry, ma. Sa pad muna kami hanggang makapanganak si Karsen," tugon ni Kobe.

"W-What? Why?" Kinakabahang tumingin sa akin ang ginang, siguro'y iniisip na nagsumbong ako kay Kobe. "Karsen, hija, what seems to be the problem?"

I clenched my fist and breathed deeply to calm myself. She would never accept me, not because I was an orphan. She would never accept me, not because I was poor. She wouldn't accept me because I was my parents' daughter. And that was something I couldn't change. Kung puwede lang mamili ng magiging magulang para magustuhan niya ay gagawin ko. I longed to feel accepted... but maybe I should understand that I could never feel it with them.

Masyadong malaking pabor ang matanggap ako ng isang taong minsan nang nawasak dahil sa akin.

"N-Napapagod po kasi ako sa pag-akyat sa hagdan, T-Tita." I fought the urge not to cry. "M-Maraming salamat po sa pagtingin at pag-aalaga sa 'kin."

Inisa-isa ko ng tingin silang lahat. Si Elliot lang ang wala roon. Nag-iwas si Ate Clea at naintindihan ko siya. Sapat na sa aking hindi niya ako pinagsalitaan at sinaktan. Sapat na sa aking minsan niya akong kinilala hindi bilang anak nina Yumi at Dominic... kung hindi bilang si Karsen na kasintahan ng kapatid niya.

Sunod kong tiningnan si Don Lucho na ngayon ay nakayuko at parang malalim ang iniisip. He looked so much like Kobe... and the fact that he was the one who gave me my name pinched my heart. He was willing to offer me home, and for the first time in years, I was thankful that I grew up in the shelter, not only because of my friends, but also because I would've met Kobe differently if I hadn't been there.

I looked at them again, one by one, and realized that this perfect family wasn't perfect after all.

Bumalik kami sa pad ni Kobe at sa loob ng dalawang araw ay hindi kami lumabas doon. He spent his rest days with me. Hindi niya itinanong kung bakit gusto kong umalis sa bahay nila. I don't know if he has an idea, but that's my least concern now. Mas mahalaga sa akin ang kapayapaan ko dahil ayokong maagrabyado ang anak ko. Isinantabi ko ang nalaman at hindi na pinagbulay-bulayan pa iyon. I'm far from them now. That should be okay.

Days and weeks pass by swiftly. Dahil sa post ni Jennifer ay bumalik ang karamihan sa fans ni Kobe at tuluyang na-sold out ang concert ticket niya. He was offered shows and tours after his concert, and I could see how happy he was about that.

"Nag-drop ka na?" he asked.

Tumango ako. "Hindi ko na kaya ang subjects. Pagkapanganak ko na lang siguro."

Ngumiti siya at niyakap ako. "I'm glad that you're prioritizing your health."

"Syempre. Ayokong lumaking mukhang sama ng loob si baby."

He chuckled. "We have good genes. I'm sure she's pretty."

"Or handsome."

"Yeah," tawa ulit niya.

Weeks passed and I went to see Dr. Constantino again. She ran tests two weeks ago to check if my baby had a genetic or chromosomal problem, and she advised me to come back and talk about the results now. My optimism was strong because my child had always been healthy at my previous check-ups. Dahil may general rehearsal si Kobe ay hindi niya ulit ako masasamahan. He just told Kuya Enzo to assist me.

I've been so happy these past few days, and I never imagined it would be ripped away from me so soon.

"Okay na po ba?" nakangiting tanong ko sa magandang doctor.

The procedure went on pretty smoothly last time. Kahit posible nang malaman ang kasarian ng bata ay hindi ko muna ipinatingin. Hihintayin ko pa kasing maging bakante si Kobe para sabay naming malaman.

"Ms. Navarro." From her clipboard, she looked up to me.

"Yes po?" I asked attentively.

She looked hesitant, but she put her clipboard on the table after some time. That reaction from her brought my heart to an unbearable pace. Pakiramdam ko ay nawalan ng kulay ang buong mukha ko dahil sa kaba.

"D-Doc?"

She pursed her lips. "Your child is positive for Down Syndrome."

"P-Po?"

"We can proceed to amniocentesis after a few more weeks to know the definite—"

"Doc, teka lang po. H-Hindi ko po naiintindihan." Umiling ako. "H-Healthy po ang anak ko no'ng mga nakaarang check-up natin." I touched my belly. "A-Ano pong sinasabi n'yo?"

"We can run more tests to see—"

"Ayoko po, Doc." Tumayo ako at umiling sa kanya. "S-Salamat, pero ayoko po."

I didn't know how I managed to get back to the car after that. Kung noong huling check-up ko ay umiiyak ako dahil sa saya, ngayon ay umiiyak ako dahil sa posibilidad na maaaring may down syndrome ang anak ko. Hindi ko kinausap si Kuya Enzo hanggang sa makauwi kami sa pad.

I pulled my hair and broke down in tears because the words I heard growing up suddenly rang in my head. Abnoy. Abnoy. Abnoy. Pauli-ulit iyong naglaro sa utak ko at wala akong magawa para mapigilan iyon. I clenched my chest and sobbed.

"L-Lord naman... bakit ang anak ko?" Napaupo ako sa sahig. "P-Please po... 'wag ang anak ko."

I experienced firsthand how cruel the world can be to those who are different... and I don't want my child to endure the same thing. Ipinangako ko sa kanyang hindi niya mararanasan ang mga naranasan ko, pero ngayon palang ay minamali na agad ako ng mundo.

Kinuha ko ang cellphone at dali-daling tinawagan si Kobe. I can't be alone right now. Hindi ko kaya. I need emotional support. I need someone who can cry with me.

"P-Please, sagutin mo..." bulong ko habang nanginginig ang kamay.

Napahinga ako nang maluwag nang sagutin niya ang tawag.

"Karsen, good thing you called. May emergency meeting ako mamaya sa mga producers at baka hindi ako makauwi. I texted mom if she could give you company. Hindi pa lang nagre-reply."

Nanghina ang kamay ko at naibaba ko ang cellphone sa sahig. It didn't make any sound... so does my sobs. Tinakpan ko ang bibig at tahimik na humikbi. I felt helpless. Nangangatal ang buong katawan ko sa takot at pangamba. Now that he mentioned his mom, I couldn't think of anything else but her harsh words.

She would surely insult me. She would insult my child. Gaya ng pagtawag niya ng mga pangalan sa nanay ko, ganoon niya rin tatawagin ang magiging anak ko.

"Karsen? Are you still there?"

My lips trembled. "Hmm..."

"I'll be there tomorrow afternoon."

Ako na ang nagbaba ng tawag... at nang oras na 'yon, saksi ang apat na sulok ng kwarto ni Kobe sa pagtangis at pananalangin ko. I was crying not only because of my child's condition, but mainly because I knew that people around us wouldn't accept her. Makakarinig din siya ng mga bagay na hindi maganda. Kobe's world didn't accept me... so how would they accept my baby? Akong normal na tao ay pilit na hinanapan ng dumi para tuluyang sirain... ano pa ang posible nilang gawin sa anak ko?

"Abort that disgrace, Dawn Karsen!"

Napasigaw ako sa takot nang makita si Tita sa pinto ng kwarto. She was gripping a piece of paper while glaring at me. Kumabog ang dibdib ko at parang sinasakal ako ng hangin habang nakatingin sa mga mata niyang punong-puno ng galit.

"T-T-Tita..."

She screamed like a wounded animal. "T-That child! Abort it!"

Humikbi ako at umiling. Nakaupo pa rin ako sa sahig pero nagawa kong takpan ng dalawa kong kamay ang tiyan ko.

"'W-Wag po. P-Parang awa n'yo na... 'w-wag po..."

Lumapit siya sa akin at mariing napapikit ako nang maramdaman ang kamay niya sa buhok ko. She pulled my hair, making me hug my belly even tighter. Sigaw siya nang sigaw habang hindi ako makapalahaw dahil sa pag-aalalang madali niya ang tiyan ko.

"Kobe is now in his redemption arc! Kapag nalaman ng mundo na abnoy ang magiging anak niya ay masisira na naman siya!" she screamed, loud enough to pierce my heart. "H-Hindi ang kagaya mo at kaabnormalan ng dugong nananalaytay sa 'yo ang sisira sa pamilya ko!"

Sumasakit ang anit ko sa pagsabunot niya pero pinanatili ko ang kamay sa tiyan. Hold on tightly, baby. 'Wag kang makikinig sa kanya.

"Ipalaglag mo ang bata o iwan mo ang anak ko! Those were the only choices you had!" She grabbed my face violently. Puno rin ng luha ang mga mata niya. "H-Hindi ka ba nahihiya? Sinira mo na ang buhay ko noon! Hindi na ako papayag na sirain mo rin ang sa anak ko! My Kobe has suffered enough because of you! Hindi na niya kailangan ng isa pang kagaya ng nanay mo!"

"N-Nasasaktan po ako, T-Tita..."

Mas lalong humigpit ang kapit niya sa akin. Hinigit niya ako patayo at halos magmarka ang kamay niya sa braso ko.

"Good thing I was monitoring your pregnancy," she whispered to herself. "Come with me, ipapalaglag natin 'yan."

"P-Please, 'wag po!" pagmamakaawa ko habang hinihigit niya ako palabas ng kwarto. "'Wag po ang anak ko... please..."

Hindi siya nakinig. Buong puwersa niya akong hinigit. Ang isang kamay ko ay nakahawak sa tiyan ko. I hope my baby isn't listening... or if he or she is... I hope she sees how her weak mother will risk her life to protect her.

With my fragile hands and remaining strength, I pushed Tita Penelope to the ground. Her head hit the edge of the couch and in my most desperate time, I ran for my child's life. I was lucky enough to see the open and empty elevator, and when I went out of the building, I ran with no definite destination to go to.

Nanlalabo ang paningin ko habang nakahawak sa tiyan ko. "I'm sorry, anak... I'm sorry..." hikbi ko habang patuloy na tumatakbo. Natatakot ako dahil baka maabutan ako ni Tita.

My breathing was heavy, but I couldn't care less. All I could think of was my child's safety. Gusto kong sisihin si Kobe dahil masyado siyang nagtitiwala sa nanay niya, pero alam kong mas malaki ang kasalanan ko dahil hindi naman ako nagsabi sa kanya. I became too careful about not ruining their relationship because I knew how much Kobe loved his mother.

Tita Penelope was willing to kill my baby... because for her, it would be a shame to have a child who was different.

I was running until I felt something hard hit my body. Napahiga ako sa kalsada kasabay ng sigawan ng mga tao sa paligid ko. The impact of the car made my stomach hurt, and while staring at the blue sky, I made my choice.

Abort my child... or leave Kobe... I would make the hardest and safest choice.

"Karsen!" Narinig ko ang boses ni Eddie. "Putangina n'yo! Sino'ng gumawa nito?!"

I felt hot liquid gushing through my thigh. Nagbagsakan ang mga luha ko roon.

Baby, don't leave mommy... please...

"E-E-Eddie..." mahinang sambit ko.

"Karsen, paparating na ang ambulansya. P-Please, girl..."

I held his hand close to my chest. "K-Kapag nabuhay si baby..." I fought the urge to close my eyes. "K-Kung mabubuhay... si baby..." Another tear escaped my eye. Say it, Karsen. "T-Tell everyone my c-child is dead."

"K-Karsen..."

Bago tuluyang mawalan ng malay ay muling umalpas ang luha sa mata ko.

"E-Eddie, h-hindi ligtas ang anak ko sa mundo nila..."