Hindi tumawag si Kobe nang sumunod na araw. Gaya ng inaasahan ko, usap-usapan ng lahat ang naging balita. They weren’t caught kissing or holding each other’s hands, but Kobe’s fans were making positive comments about their chemistry.

“Bagay naman kasi talaga sila!” saad ng isa kong kaklase. Walang sinabing pangalan, pero alam ko na agad kung sino ang tinutukoy niya. “Ang lakas ng dating nila on screen. Si Jennifer pa ang nababalitang ilalaban sa Asia’s Next Top Model.”

My other classmate agreed. “Wala pang statement ang agency nila, ‘no?”

“Wala pa, pero feeling ko, confirmed na ‘yan.”

“Sayang. Isang g’wapo na naman ang naitali,” tawa niya. “Halos mabaliw pa ako sa kanya kahapon. Swerte rin ni Jennifer.”

A male classmate butted in. “Mas swerte si DK.”

Sumubsob ako sa mesa at napabuntong-hininga. Isang beses ko pang sinilip ang cellphone ko, pero kahit text message ay walang iniwan si Kobe. I felt like my day didn’t start right, but I understand. Siguradong maingay at nakaririndi ang nangyayaring ito sa kanya... lalo at ayaw niya pa namang makipagtrabaho sa mga kilalang personalidad.

I chose to deactivate my social media accounts because I didn’t want to hear any news about them. Nasasaktan ako tuwing naririnig o nababasa ko sa comments na bagay sila. Iisa ng mundong kinalakihan. Iisa ng hilig. At parehong may ipinagmamalaki na sa buhay.

“Girl...”

Nag-angat ako ng tingin nang marinig ang boses ni Eddie.

“Nawala ka na kahapon. Nagkita kayo?” tanong niya bago naupo sa tabi ko.

I nodded. “Lunch lang...”

“Ah, akala ko gabi ang lakad n’yo?”

I smiled. “Busy raw siya, eh.”

His forehead knotted, but he didn’t say anything. Tumango lang siya at hanggang sa dumating si Ma’am ay hindi na kami nag-usap. Kahit si Mari, Mill, at Ate Kat ay hindi iyon nabanggit sa akin kaninang umaga habang kumakain kami. Pakiramdam ko ay may kanya-kanya kaming iniisip para problemahin pa ang mga ganoong bagay.

It was just a small issue. I knew the truth. Trabaho lang iyon. Nothing more, nothing less.

But still, it hurt. If our pictures leaked out, I’m sure the fans wouldn’t react the same way. I would probably receive a lot of backlash and hate messages. Kasi hindi naman ako kilala. Kasi hindi naman ako pasok sa pamantayan ng mga babaeng bagay sa mundo ni Kobe.

“Karsen, ano? Walang balita?” tanong ni Camille, isa sa mga kaklase ko. “Trending, eh. Ikaw ang fan na fan, ‘di ba? Confirmed ba?”

I chuckled awkwardly. “Hindi ‘yan.”

“Bakit? May source ka?”

Umiling ako. “Basta hindi. Gaya lang din ‘yan ng ibang dating rumors ni Kobe. Puro pictures na kadalasang edited pero wala namang statement.”

Tumango-tango siya. “Ikaw, anong stand mo? Bagay ba sila?”

I wanted to say yes. If I weren’t biased, I’d definitely agree. Totoo ang sinasabi ng mga tao. They would break records and become one of the most popular couples in the country. After all, they really looked good together.

But not in my eyes.

I shook my head, slightly chuckling. “Ako lang ang bagay kay Kobe.”

“Ulol,” natatawang utas niya.

“At bakit?” nakangiti pa ring tanong ko.

She made a face. “Siko ka lang ni Jennifer.”

“At singit ka lang ni Karsen,” singit ni Eddie. “Asim mo, doon ka nga!”

“Pakyu, bakla!”

“O, bakit?! May mali sa pagiging bakla?!” singhal niya. “Ang mali, ‘yang mukha mo!”

Napailing na lang ako sa pagpatol ni Eddie sa pang-aasar ni Camille. Hindi naman kasi big deal iyon. Hindi rin naman ako naapektuhan. He was probably thinking that I was hurt by the news.

Nang mag-lunch break ay sinubukan kong tawagan si Kobe, pero hindi pumasok ang tawag ko dahil nakapatay ang cellphone niya. I tried calling Kuya Enzo, too, but he didn’t pick up his phone.

And the same thing happened the following days. Walang ten minutes na tawagan araw-araw. Walang paramdam. Walang kahit ano.

Kahit deactivated ang accounts ko, rinig ko sa mga kaklase ko ang ingay ng balita. My friends at home didn’t bring it up. Mas dumami rin ang pictures nina Kobe at Jennifer online... and I really told myself not to look at those. I don’t want to see things that will make me think at night.

However, I was starting to get worried because I felt like the agency had forgotten about my existence. They never confirmed anything to me... not that it concerned me. Isa sa mga ipinagbawal sa amin iyon. Halos iyon nga lang ang ipinagdiinan sa amin ni Carly. And I thought it would be an advantage to me.

But watching her being interviewed by a lot of reporters with a huge smile plastered on her lips, my stomach churned.

“Dior is really busy, but we’ll make sure to hold an exclusive interview once he’s done recording...” nakangiting saad niya sa harap ng camera. “Jennifer is also taking a break from all the overwhelming news circulating on the internet, so...” She shrugged. “Let’s just sit still and wait.”

Napakaikli lang ng sinabi niya ngunit alam kong sapat na iyon para lalong mag-ingay ang mga tao. Inilabas ng social media users ang previous interview ni Kobe tungkol sa selection ng leading lady, at sinabing si Jennifer ang personal choice ng lalaki.

That made me mad. They were spreading fake information! Wala namang basis para sabihin nila iyon!

“Tangina! Bumisita si Jennifer sa recording studio ni Kobe!”

I heard that on the day of my supposed date with Kobe. Simula noong pumunta ang lalaki sa school namin, parang lahat ay nagkaroon ng pakealam sa buhay niya. Lahat ay nakibalita.

I tried not to get affected... even when I saw the picture... I really tried my best to act casually. Jennifer was giving food to the production team, and it looked like Kobe had shared a meal with her... again... in my supposed time.

It was not a big deal. Eh, ano ngayon? May mga pagkakataon din namang hindi kami sumunod sa schedule. Isa pa, Jennifer could afford to feed all the people who worked for him. Hindi ko kaya ‘yon. Wala akong pera para doon. Ni wala akong lakas ng loob na pumunta sa studio ni Kobe.

For a moment, the things I did with him suddenly felt like a dream. Parang walang ibang nakakaalam noon bukod sa akin. At kahit ibunyag ko iyon sa lahat, magiging katatawanan lang ako.

In everyone’s eyes, I was just a fan, hurting by my idol’s blossoming love life.

And even though I tried to deny it, I knew it caused me pain and disturbance.

Paano kung totoo nga? Paano kung habang nagkikita silang dalawa, nagustuhan niya si Jennifer? Paano kung maisip niya na mas bagay naman talaga sila? This might serve as a wake-up call for him. Na mas karapat-dapat siya sa babaeng hindi nakakahiyang ipakilala sa mundo niya.

I didn’t cry about it... surprisingly. Mabigat at masikip sa dibdib tuwing iniisip kong mas tatanggapin sila ng lahat, pero sa ganoon kaikling oras, naitatak ko sa isipan ko kung gaano kalaking hamon ang haharapin ko kapag itinuloy ko ang nararamdaman para kay Kobe.

So when I finally received a message from him, I slapped myself back to reality.

From: Kuya Enzo
Are you asleep? I’m outside your apartment.
-Kobe

I processed the words for a minute before I stood up to check on him. Hindi na ako nag-abalang mag-ayos. Ni hindi ko na sinuklay ang buhok ko. It was past midnight. Tulog na ang mga kaibigan ko at tahimik na rin ang paligid.

I stepped outside the apartment and found a tall man wearing a black hoodie and mask. He was leaning against the wall, his head lowered, and he appeared to be waiting for someone.

My heart hurt. Ang babaw, pero na-miss ko siya.

“Hi,” bati ko nang makalapit sa kanya.

He looked up, and our gazes immediately met. At that moment, I reminded myself that he would always be out of my reach... that his world would remain a haven I couldn't touch.

Wala pang limang segundo ay hinawakan na niya ang palad ko at hinigit ako papunta sa SUV. Tahimik niyang pinalabas si Kuya Enzo bago kami pumasok sa loob ng sasakyan.

My heart was clenching because I didn’t know what to feel. Dapat ba akong maging masaya kasi gaya ng nakasanayan, gumagawa siya ng paraan para makita ako? O dapat ba akong malungkot kasi alam ko na kung sino ang talo?

Tinanggal niya ang mask at hinarap ako. We were so close, but the few days without hearing from him made me understand how far apart our worlds were... I realized that even if I sat next to him, I would never be able to come close to his life.

“I’m not with Jennifer,” he said firmly, causing all negative thoughts to flee from my head.

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. I didn’t expect that. Hindi niya naman kasi kailangang sabihin sa akin ang nangyayari sa buhay niya. I’m not his manager, family... or girlfriend. Puwede niyang gawin ang gusto niyang gawin nang hindi inaalala ang magiging reaksyon ko.

His jaw clenched. “Karsen, I’m not with anyone.” Mas dumiin ang boses niya dahil sa pananahimik ko. “I’m not dating anyone...” ulit niya pa.

Isang beses akong tumango. “O-Okay...”

“Totoong nagkita kami no’ng araw ng sports fest n’yo,” nahihirapang aniya. “Hindi ko inasahan ang pagdating niya sa studio. Niyaya niyang kumain ang staff.”

Tahimik lang ako. Kahit hindi kailangang marinig, alam kong gusto ko ring malaman ang nangyari.

“Karsen, I declined.” He sounded as if he was trying to convince me. “But the production team insisted. The picture was cropped. Kasama namin ang team sa dinner. It wasn’t just us.”

He looked frustrated and mad, as if all these things were draining him. At ayokong makita iyon. Na parang pagod siya. Na parang nahihirapan siya.

“Okay nga lang,” I assured him. I don’t want to see him stressing himself over this. Kung ang pakikipagkita sa akin ay malaking trabaho para sa kanya, naiintindihan ko naman.

He shook his head. “It’s not. Kahit ‘yong pagkikita namin ulit... I tried to talk to her about it. But she was so glad that the public was on her fav-”

“Shh, okay lang. Tama na,” I cut him off.

His brows furrowed. “No, please, let me explain. I don’t want you to overthink this... please?”

He was so eager to explain... na natahimik na lang ako.

He sighed. “I was restricted from using my phone. Kahit ngayon, wala akong ginagamit. They’re afraid I’ll post something stupid on my social media accounts or contact the media. Marami ring tao sa labas ng condo ko kaya sa rest house ni Papa ako umuuwi. Nadagdagan ang security ko. Ngayon lang ako nakatakas... kaya ngayon lang kita napuntahan.”

He escaped for me. He always breaks the rules for me.

“I wanted to call you, but I couldn’t risk Kuya Enzo’s reliability. I was being watched almost 24/7.”

My heart hurt for him... and the pain in my chest was incomparable to the pain I had endured for the past week. Pagod na pagod siguro siya kaiisip kung ano ang gagawin... kung paano patatahimikin ang mga tao.

“I’m sorry...” he breathed.

Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at lalong nanikip ang dibdib ko nang marahan niya iyong hinalikan. He closed his eyes as he planted soft kisses on my knuckles.

“I’m sorry,” ulit niya. “I wouldn’t date anyone. I’m sorry...”

“K-Kobe.” Halos hindi ko marinig ang sariling boses.

Sinubukan kong kunin ang kamay sa kanya ngunit mas hinigpitan niya lang ang kapit doon.

“Hindi mo responsibilidad ang magpaliwanag sa akin.”

Umiling siya at nagmulat. He was still holding my hand as if that would ease my worries. I thought he would say something relevant to what I said, but instead, he called Kuya Enzo and asked him to bring us somewhere unfamiliar to me.

“Kobe, hindi ako nakapagpaalam. Baka hanapin ako sa amin,” sabi ko habang umaandar ang sasakyan. Ni hindi ko alam kung saan kami pupunta.

“I’ll bring you home before sunrise.” Our hands were locked. “I have a lot to say, Karsen...”

Yumuko ako. “Ayos lang naman.”

“Saying that makes me want to explain further.” He let out a sigh. “May mga security sa rest house ni Papa. Meron ding media sa bahay, unit, at private villa ko. We’ll go to my late uncle’s home. Doon lang tayo makakapag-usap nang maayos.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang dapat naming pag-usapan. He made it clear to me. Wala silang relasyon ni Jennifer. Wala siyang relasyon sa kahit na kanino. Kung meron man, labas na ako roon. He didn’t owe me anything.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal sa daan. Mahigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko na para bang anumang oras ay lalayo ako sa kanya. Wala rin akong sinabi hanggang sa makarating kami sa isang maliit na bungalow. May mga kahoy na bakod at dilaw na ilaw.

Kuya Enzo opened the door for us. Hindi ko matukoy kung may nakatira ba rito dahil lumang-luma na ang mga gamit.

Wanting so badly to lighten the atmosphere, I started asking Kobe about the place.

“Uhm... Tito mo ang nakatira dito?”

Nagdala siya ng dalawang upuan sa terrace. Si Kuya Enzo naman ay bumalik sa sasakyan matapos magpaalam sa amin.

“Yeah. My father’s friend,” he answered. “He died when I was five.”

Napamura ako at agad na napatakbo sa pwesto niya. Feel na feel ko pa ang paghawak sa mga gamit tapos patay na pala ang may-ari?!

“Bwisit ka naman, eh! Kita mong madaling araw na, tapos sasabihin mo, patay na ang nakatira dito!” reklamo ko.

“It’s okay. My father had this place maintained.” He pointed at the chair, motioning me to sit there. “I often come here to think.” Umupo rin siya sa silya sa tabi ko.

“Hindi ka natatakot?”

He shook his head. “No. I barely remember my father’s friend, but I’ve always believed he was a nice person.”

Tumango ako. “Close kayo ng Papa mo?”

It was so random... and maybe out of line, but I didn’t want to talk about Jennifer and their issue again.

“Yeah. I’m close to my family.”

Napangiti ako. The first genuine smile after I heard his dating rumors. So, tama ang mga balita tungkol sa pamilya niya. Na maganda ang relasyon nila sa isa’t isa.

“You want to meet them?”

Napasinghap ako. “Gago ka ba?!”

He chuckled. “You can’t escape. You’ll meet them eventually.”

“Nasisiraan ka na,” mahinang saad ko. “Hindi naman naghahanap ng kasambahay ang pamilya mo, tapos gusto mong ipakilala ako?”

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

Ngumuso ako. “Bahala ka sa buhay mo.”

My hair was ruffled by the wind as it blew. I was suddenly reminded of how horrible I probably looked because I didn't fix myself. Punyeta, Karsen! Ang lakas pa ng loob mong makipagtitigan kay Kobe! Baka mamaya ay may muta ka pa!

I cleared my throat as we were wrapped up in total silence. Parang nakikiramdam kami sa isa’t isa.

“Uhm... model ‘yong bunso mong kapatid?” I asked nervously. “N-Nabasa ko sa articles noon.”

“Elliot? Yeah. He’s a model.” Nakatingin lang siya sa kawalan kaya kinuha ko ang tyansang iyon para titigan ang mukha niya. “My older sister, Clea, is a lawyer, and my parents are both in business. Real Estate.”

“Grabe, hindi mo naranasang maghirap, ‘no? Hindi ka nag-crave tapos hindi ka makabili kasi wala kang pera? Hindi ka namroblema sa baon mo no’ng pumapasok ka pa?”

“I was homeschooled... and I didn’t finish college.” Lumingon siya sa akin. “You know that?”

Tumango ako. “Hanggang second year lang, ‘di ba? AB Psychology? Nag-stop ka kasi nagkaroon ka ng tour.”

“Wow... you know a lot.” He smiled. “And to answer your question earlier, hindi ako nakakaramdam ng cravings. I don’t have a specific favorite.”

Sumandal ako sa upuan at tumingin sa dilim. I love hearing things about him... kahit noon. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay nakakalapit ako sa kanya. Na sa kakaunting impormasyon na mayroon ako, parang kasama ako sa mundo niya.

Realizations hit me like a ton of bricks. In a few weeks, this experience will be a distant memory for me. The things I learned about him would be meaningless because I would always be in his shadow. Kahit pa masaulo ko ang mga hilig niya, hindi ko rin iyon magagamit dahil lalayo na ulit siya.

“How about you?” he asked.

“Hmm?”

“Ikaw... talk about yourself.”

“Nasabi ko na lahat, eh.” I chuckled. “‘Yon na ‘yon.”

Sandali siyang natahimik bago nagsalita ulit.

“You never met your... parents?” he asked hesitantly.

I knew he was learning about me the same way I was, regardless of whether or not it became a faint memory in the future.

I realized that I never really talked to anyone about my parents... especially my mother. Kahit sa mga kaibigan ko. Hindi rin naman kasi namin napag-uusapan iyon. Siguro dahil nakakasawa na at paulit-ulit? Hindi ko alam. I guess, living in a shelter with labels as orphans gets into our heads.

I heaved a sigh. Among all the teases I received when I was younger, that one hurt the most.

Puwede ko namang sabihin ito sa kanya. Makakalimutan niya rin naman naman. Mawawala rin naman ako sa buhay niya. It wouldn’t really matter.

I smiled and looked at the starless sky.

“Anak ako ng babaeng may down syndrome at autism, Kobe.” Sumikip ang dibdib ko nang maalala ang pang-aasar sa akin ng mga bata sa Bahay Tuluyan dahil doon. “Namatay siya nang ipanganak ako.”

He didn’t say anything. Ibinaba ko ang tingin at pinaglaruan ang kamay.

“Mahina raw ang puso ng mga taong may ganoon... kaya hindi niya kinaya ang panganganak sa akin.” I pressed the tips of my fingers. “Maniniwala ka ba kapag sinabi kong minahal siya ng tatay ko?”

“Of course,” he whispered.

Ngumiti ako at bumaling sa kanya. “He loved her too much... He blamed me for her death.”

I was really a loser. I ruined a happy couple just by existing.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya at muling pinaglaruan ang kamay. Kumpara sa naging buhay niya, totoo palang napakamiserable ng akin. He was pampered, supported and loved all his life... and he deserved that. Malayo sa akin na tinawag na anak ng abnoy.

Abnoy... it still hurt. Kahit hindi ko namana ang ganoong kondisyon ng naglabas sa akin, habambuhay ko namang bitbitin ang panunukso at masasakita na salita. Mukhang abnormal. Mukhang tanga.

“It’s not your fault,” he uttered, as if he was hearing my thoughts. “Your mother’s death and her condition.” Umiling siya. “It will never be your fault.”

“Okay lang. Natanggap ko naman na ‘yon. Isa pa, lumaki naman ako nang wala sila. I don’t mind.”

“Inaasar ka... ng mga batang kasama mo noon?” mahinang tanong niya.

I chuckled. “Pinagtatanggol naman ako no’ng tatlo. Si Mill, nakikipagsuntukan talaga ‘yon. Si Mari, sinisira ang laruan ng mga nang-aaway sa akin, tapos si Ate Kat, pinapatahan ako.”

“Karsen... look at me.”

Agad kong sinunod ko ang sinabi niya. Nagtama ang mga mata namin at hindi ko mabasa ang ekspresyon niya.

“Don’t beat yourself up, hmm?” he muttered gently. “And like your friends, you have me. I’ll always... always... take your side.”

Sana totoo. Sana hindi lang panandalian ‘to. Sana mananatili talaga siya sa buhay ko.

But that was too much to ask for someone who had nothing to be proud of. I shouldn't wish for someone like Kobe. I didn’t even have the right to stay so close to him.

I stared right into his eyes. I felt comfortable around him, and I knew, deep down in my heart, that I had feelings for him. Kung hahayaan kong ganito ang trato niya sa akin, malaki ang tyansa na umasa ako... na masaktan ako.

“Kobe, tungkol kay Jennifer...” I finally gathered the courage to confront the real problem. “Gaya ng sinabi ko kanina, hindi ka obligadong magpaliwanag sa akin.”

He gritted his teeth as his forehead creased.

“Nagtatrabaho kayo... at nagtatrabaho rin tayo. Hindi ka naman siguro nagpapaliwanag sa kanya sa kung anong nangyayari sa atin, ‘di ba?” I bit my bottom lip and lowered my gaze. “Kung tatakas ka para lang makita ako, ‘wag na. Mas gugustuhin kong magpahinga ka na lang.”

“You really don’t get it, huh?”

I shook my head. “A-Alam ko naman ang dulo nito, Kobe. Kilala ko kung sino ang mapipiling babagay sa ‘yo, at walang mali ro’n. You see how your fans reacted.” I faked a laugh and eyed him. “M-Magandang gawing stepping stone ‘yon... para ano... mas bumenta.”

The calm and kind Kobe was gone. He looked enraged, with his jaw tightened and his brows knitted. Para bang hindi niya nagustuhan ang sinabi ko.

But, still, I stood my grounds. It’s now or never. Habang hindi pa ako tuluyang nahuhulog sa kanya ay kailangan na naming tumigil.

“Totoo rin naman ‘yong sinasabi nila... na bagay kayo.” I almost choked on my words. “Makakatulong si Jennifer sa career mo.”

He stood up. I could sense his growing impatience as he held onto the railings to breathe. Tumayo rin ako at lumapit sa kanya. He has to hear me out. Kung magpapatuloy kami ay lagi lang siyang mapapagalitan. Kagaya ngayon, siguradong nagwawala na naman ang management lalo at tumakas siya.

“Bilang fan mo, masaya ako-”

“Stop it, Karsen!” he hissed.

I flinched a bit. “T-Thank you... this is a lovely experie-”

Humarap siya sa akin at sinalubong ako ng galit na tingin. “One more word and I’ll fucking kiss you.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko kasabay ng pag-awang ng bibig ko. Parang mahikang nawala lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa kanya.

He sarcastically grinned as he arched his eyebrows. “Do I really need to spell it out for you?”

“K-Kobe...”

He moved closer to me, placing his hands on my sides while maintaining his grasp on the railings. Hindi ako makahinga sa lapit niya sa akin. Nakasandal ako sa railings, nakakulong sa braso niya at mukhang imposible na ang pag-alis.

I tried to push on his chest, but he didn’t even budge. Yumuko ako, hindi malaman kung ano ang gagawin lalo at parang sasabog ang puso ko sa kaba.

“You’re all I think about while all of these things are happening,” he uttered. His voice was deep and hoarse. “I want to know if you have eaten your meal or slept well. I want to know how your day went. I want to know if you got home safely.”

I closed my eyes. “K-Kobe... please...”

“Wala akong pakealam sa sasabihin ng iba. Your opinion matters to me most... tapos sasabihin mo, bagay kami?” he asked, obviously annoyed. “You’re the only woman I can think of, but you’ll push me to choose Jennifer. Really? Do you think that’s possible? You think I’ll listen to you?”

I opened my eyes and noticed how his chest heaved. Hindi ako makapag-angat ng tingin dahil alam ko kung gaano siya kalapit sa akin.

“Trabaho?” he chuckled sarcastically. “If you let your co-workers hold and kiss your hand, you’re not going to fucking work for anyone else!”

His hand lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. His jaw was still clenched, but when our gazes met, his anger subsided a bit.

“I’m falling for you,” he uttered gently. “Do you understand me, Karsen?”

Para akong nahihipnotismo sa mata niya na kahit hindi pa pumapasok sa utak ko ang mga binitawan niyang salita ay napatango ako. My heart throbbed in a good way... it was rejoicing and celebrating.

He closed his eyes and put his forehead against mine.

“I’m falling in love with you... fast and hard...” he said quietly. “Karsen, I think I’ve got it bad.”