LUCY:

I slept better after the first Dumbledore's Army meeting than I had in... a long time. A very long time. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and didn't stir all night long. I headed downstairs far earlier than usual on a Saturday, hoping to see Harry and talk a bit more about the meeting since we'd gotten distracted the night before. When I spotted him on the couch, I hurdled over the back and landed next to him with a smile.

"Good morning! So about last night—" The words died on my lips when I saw his face. It looked as if he hadn't slept all night. "Harry, what happened?"

He wouldn't meet my eyes. "It's—" Harry coughed to clear his throat. "It's nothing. What were you saying about last night?"

Normally, I wouldn't press him. I'd let him close himself off, close myself off in response, and carry on like nothing was wrong. But I didn't. I couldn't. Not when he looked like that.

I twisted so I was facing him completely and reached for his hand, tangling my fingers with his. "Harry... bad dream?"

Harry nodded, still not looking at me.

"Was it about the graveyard?"

He nodded again, and tears glistened in his eyes for a second before disappearing.

"I'm sorry." I leaned forward so my forehead was against his shoulder. "I'm guessing you'd rather not talk about it?"

"You guessed correctly."

"That's alright. Would you rather just listen to me talk?"

"Sure."

So I did. I talked in a low voice about everything I had noticed the night before, the way Henry's seventh-year Hufflepuff friends had more or less adopted the Creevey brothers and the way Henry had more or less adopted Neville and the fact that Ron did manage to disarm Hermione and the fact that the twins had already mastered the nonverbal Disarming Charm and had started trying to do it wandlessly. I thought maybe by filling the tiny silent void that had opened between us overnight with words about what we had done together, I might be able to bridge the gap, but after ten minutes of me talking, Harry hadn't said anything aloud. He had just nodded in the right places and drummed his shaking fingers against the back of my hand still holding his.

When I heard the familiar rumble of a couple of footsteps coming down the stairs, I shifted away from him and leaned against the opposite arm of the couch. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, fine." He didn't meet my eyes and dragged his hand down his face instead. "Sorry, just tired. Didn't sleep very well after that nightmare."

"It's alright," I said. It was. I understood that. I wasn't terribly sociable after poor nights of sleep either. But something felt off, different. I just wanted him to look at me again. Please, Harry, where did you go? "I mean, it is a Saturday. You could go back to bed if you wanted."

Harry shook his head. "Practice this morning."

"Oh. Right." I was about to ask if he wanted to head down to Hagrid's to feed Tuck and Fang with me when the door to the girls' dormitories opened and revealed that the footsteps I had heard belonged to Angelina and Alicia and Katie.

"Oh, Harry, you're up already! Perfect!" Angelina said. "Morning, Lucy! I'm not used to seeing you awake at this hour anymore. Why're you up?"

"I was just about to head down to Hagrid's hut to feed the dogs," I replied, rising to my feet and tightening my ponytail. "Good luck out there in the rain, it looks—"

I was interrupted by a flash of lightning and crash of thunder that made me jump a couple feet into the air. The girls laughed, but Harry looked at me for the first time all morning, alarm written all over his face.

"You alright?" he mouthed to me.

I managed a small nod, inhaling shakily through my nose and forcing a smile. "It sounds like quite the storm."

"We've played in worse," Angelina replied with a shrug. "Like that match a couple years back against Hufflepuff."

"Right, the match where we both fell off of our brooms." I shot a bemused grin Harry's direction. "That was fun, wasn't it?"

"Incredibly," he said, but his voice was missing the sarcastic bite it usually had.

The five of us walked out of the castle together before parting ways. Harry was so... off. I resolved to slip a bit of dreamless sleep potion into his pumpkin juice at dinner or something as I filled both dog bowls to the brim with food.

Another colossal thunderclap shook the ground beneath my feet just as I left the hut. I rushed through the rain all the way to the castle and was about to slip into the Great Hall for breakfast when Madam Pomfrey's head poked out from behind the Hospital Wing's door.

"Oh, Lucy! Exactly the person I wanted to see! Something arrived here from St. Mungo's for you."

I felt as if I'd been struck by one of the bolts of lightning outside. "Oh! Well, that's, er, that's great. Thanks for letting me know." I hurried forward and ducked inside the Wing, which was fortunately empty.

She pressed the file into my hand with a sad look on her face. "They didn't draw any definitive conclusions about your spotty magic, but I thought you might want to see the file nonetheless. Have you ever looked at it before?"

I shook my head. "My parents always did. Ced and I never got the chance."

"Ah, I see. Well, if you have any questions, I'll be in my office working on Pepperup Potion for this round of head colds."

"Sounds wise to me," I replied with a weak smile as I leaned up against the wall and slid the piece of parchment out of the envelope.

A lot of it was straightforward. Information I already knew. But some of it wasn't. Some of it I had never heard before.

Lucy Everlin Diggory, born May 23, 1980. Female.

October 28, 1985 - bitten by werewolf, showing signs of self-healing magic

November 27, 1985 - self-inflicted wounds while transformed, appears to have been healed by parental "Episkey" but brought in for further study that proved to be inconclusive

May 23, 1986 - self-inflicted wounds while transformed, powdered silver and dittany required, lasting infection after injury to be treated at home

August 19, 1986 - kept overnight for observation during transformation

April 13, 1987 - kept overnight for observation and experimentation during transformation

October 6, 1987 - kept overnight for observation and experimentation during transformation (results: wolfsbane taken only the night of the full moon is not effective; must be taken week in advance)

June 29, 1988 - kept overnight for Werewolf Capture Unit training during transformation

November 23, 1988 - kept overnight for Werewolf Capture Unit training during transformation

July 18, 1989 - kept overnight for Werewolf Capture Unit training during transformation and treated for subsequent injuries, will not be returning for this purpose

August 16, 1989 - self-inflicted wounds while transformed, powdered silver and dittany required, lasting infection after injury to be treated at home

September 15, 1989 - kept overnight for observation and transformation

October 14, 1989 - sterilization process completed successfully

The parchment, once light in my hand, grew heavy in an instant. All of the air had disappeared from the room. For a moment, the world stopped turning. All was silent. Even my own heartbeat seemed to still.

Then it continued, hard and fast and deafening. I slid the piece of parchment back into the envelope, not wanting to read any further, and stepped into Madam Pomfrey's office. I choked something out along the lines of "Thank you, that was very informative, I might come back to look at it again in the future" before stepping out of her office, out of the Hospital Wing.

I bolted in the direction of the nearest staircase.

That must be it.

I raced up the stairs.

That must be what Sloane mentioned to me.

I reached the top and sprinted down the hallway.

She's so young.

I burst into the first girls' lavatory I saw. A panted "Homenum revelio" confirmed that no one was there. I whirled around to face the door, slashing my wand. The lock clicked shut. I slashed my wand a dozen more times, soundproofing every possible corner of the room. I added another locking charm to the door.

Then I started making noise.

"THEY CAN'T!"

The nearest sink exploded into three different pieces.

"SHE IS SO YOUNG! I WAS SO YOUNG!"

A Banishing Charm sent one of the pieces smashing into a mirror, which shattered into three hundred different pieces.

"THEY CAN'T—"

Another explosion.

"NOT TO HER—"

The sound of rushing water.

"NOT LIKE THEY—"

Another explosion.

"DID TO ME—"

A rush of cold. I shut my eyes and crumpled to the floor, hands over my ears and fingers tangled in my hair as I released my fury in a scream. I heaved for breath on my knees as a choppy stream of shouted words tumbled from my mouth.

"THEY CAN'T— NOT TO— HER, SHE'S JUST— SHE'S SO YOUNG, I— I STILL HAVE— HAVE TIME TO— I CAN FIX IT, I HAVE TO, THEY— THEY— THEY CAN'T— I WON'T LET THEM— THEY CAN'T—"

"LUCY!"

My hands were yanked from my ears. I opened my eyes to see Ginny kneeling in front of me, and I could tell from the faint scent of lavender and leather that Hermione was the one holding my hands back from my head. Ginny cupped my face in her hands, pressing her forehead to mine.

"You're okay, you're okay, you're okay," she murmured.

I lurched backward, yanking my hands free and covering my face. "No, no no no, I'm n— this is—"

Hermione pulled my hands away again, kneeling in front of me with Ginny now, her fingers like vices around my wrists. "Lucy, what's going on? Myrtle found us on our way down to breakfast and said you were having a breakdown in her bathroom so we came as fast as we could—"

"Myrtle?" I repeated. I was still panting, and somehow, my cheeks were wet. I glanced around, and surely enough, she was hovering nearby, eyes wide. "Why would you— you must have seen me put up all of those charms to keep people out—"

"I told you I was going to get help," she replied defensively. "You just didn't hear me, I suppose, over the racket you were making."

"So what's wrong?" Ginny asked, drying my face with the sleeves of her robe.

"Nothing," I said in the least convincing tone imaginable. I pulled my knees to my chest and dropped my head onto them. "I mean, not nothing, but I don't want to talk about it."

"You were sure screaming about it plenty."

"That's different."

"Is it? Lucy, c'mon, look up."

"No."

"I told you she's as stubborn as Harry," Hermione said.

"Am not!" I protested, my head snapping up, but they were both laughing.

"And I told you that would work," Ginny replied as they exchanged a fist bump. She turned to me, still smiling. "Alright, so are you going to tell us what happened now? You know, since you're so determined to be less stubborn than Harry?"

I shook my head. "Nothing happened."

Hermione huffed. "We aren't thick, Lucy."

"No, I'm serious, I— nothing happened."

"Did Harry do something?" Hermione asked.

"No."

"Did Harry not do something?" Ginny prodded.

"No."

Hermione. "Is it something that happened last night?"

"No."

Ginny. "This morning?"

"Not really, no."

Hermione. "So sort of this morning?"

"I guess." I sighed. "Look, I... I really don't want to talk about it, I just... I just needed a safe place to explode."

"You did a good job of it," Ginny said with an approving nod.

I sighed again and tried to change the topic. "'Reparo' should do the trick. I didn't 'reducto' anything. At least not intentionally."

Hermione glanced around. "No, you didn't. So are you going to talk while we clean it up?"

"It's nothing," I muttered, retreating into myself. "Really. It's not that big of a deal."

"Clearly," Ginny said with a snort as she pulled me to my feet.

I retreated further and further into myself as the three of us worked together to repair the damage I had done. My mind was an endless churning sea of words, horrible words that repeated over and over, growing louder and louder with each repetition.

The words on the parchment. Sterilization. Sterilization? STERILIZATION?

The words Sloane had said. Procedure. Procedure? PROCEDURE?

The words I'd heard my entire life. Monster. Monster. Monster. Always the same tone. Always the same truth. But it grew louder and louder with every passing moment, every passing moon. The destruction around me was proof of that.

The destruction within me was proof of that.

~

At dusk, I made my way out into the pouring rain.

It was still pouring rain.

I spent the day in the dormitory writing letters to everyone except Cedric. Sloane. Jabari. Anyone and everyone I thought might be able to delay it, if not stop it entirely. I was very careful in my letters not to compromise myself, referring only vaguely to "the file I received." I wrote up a fake medical record, too, that only included what I wanted it to include and planned to give it to Madam Pomfrey in the morning just in case the Pink Venomous Tentacula stretched her vines too far. If Umbridge ever found out I was a werewolf... Merlin knows what kind of trouble she would stir up against me. My falsified record contained only my most recent visit. No werewolf injuries. And certainly no secret sterilization.

This secret was one I would never share. This secret was one I would bring with me to my grave.

I had half a mind to try to sneak into the Hospital Wing and burn the file so no one else could ever know my secret again, but I knew I'd never get away with it. Even if I burned the record, there was a copy at St. Mungo's, and probably a copy at the Ministry too. I was registered, after all. And who knows, maybe the sterilization was common practice. I was only 15, after all, surely there was a lot about the world I had left to learn. Maybe sterilization was the unspoken truth of the condition. Maybe I'd be a laughingstock for trying to stop it from happening to Sloane.

But maybe I stood a chance of delaying it at least a little while longer. Maybe there was a cure out there. It was too late for me, but if there was even the slightest chance it wasn't too late for Sloane...

I tied the letters to various owls. My letter to Sloane was tied to Malachi's leg. If Umbridge wanted to read my mail, she would go for him first. My letter to Sloane was nothing suspicious at all. Just a letter to someone my brother befriended.

My hands shook as I tied the other letters to school owls and cast an "Impervius" on each so they wouldn't get wet.

It was still pouring rain.

As I watched the letters disappear into the darkening sky, my thoughts wandered to Cedric. My feet acted of their own accord, and before I knew it, I was in the Quidditch Pitch, at the top of a Hufflepuff box. The same box, I realized, where I had seen the osprey.

"Did you know?" I whispered to the rain. "Did you know, Cedric, did you know?"

When I received no answer, I pulled my knees to my chest.

"I don't think you would have known. You were at Hogwarts when it happened, after all. Do you think that's why Mum and Dad waited until 1989? So you couldn't ask questions they wouldn't want to answer? Do you think they were given a choice? Do you think they wanted to do this to me?" I sighed. "I'm sorry. Y-You probably don't know the answer to that. I doubt I'll ever get to know, unless someone kept a diary I haven't found yet. Not that I've looked too hard. I... I just can't bring myself to go through anything yet. I'm just trying to stay afloat." I chuckled humorlessly. "Staying afloat is a full-time job for me right now. I don't know what to do anymore. Today started so well, I was happy when I woke up, then Harry was upset and didn't want to talk to me, then this all happened and I didn't want to talk to anyone—" I choked on my words, tears rising to my eyes. "Anyone except you, anyway. But you're not here, and I don't want to write another letter today, so this is as close as I can get."

A couple of tears mingled with the rain on my cheeks. I tipped my face toward the sky and closed my eyes.

"I miss you," I whispered. "But no matter how much I miss you, I'll always love you more. I promise."

I remained there for quite a while, letting the rain soak me as if it could wash away everything that had gone wrong that day. It didn't — when I made my way back to the castle, I headed to my dormitory rather than the Great Hall because I wasn't ready to face anyone yet — but I was still glad I had done it.

I had nightmares that night. Sunday morning, I made my way down to the common room. Harry was already there. Neither of us wanted to talk about it, and the tiny silent void remained silent, but we were okay.

The wall that had once been between us wasn't erected a second time. We were okay. We talked about the D.A. and the plans for our next meeting. We were okay. When we both had nightmares again, and again, and again, we played wizard's chess until the rest of the Gryffindors started to stir. We were okay. We kept up the handshake before and after Wednesday's meeting, and we both smiled, really smiled, for the first time in a while. We were okay.

If he knew something was wrong beyond just the nightmares, he didn't mention it. Neither did I.

We both knew we would have to talk about it eventually, but not quite yet. Because we were okay.

Well... relatively speaking, anyway.