I'm dancing with my demons
I'm hanging off the edge
Storm clouds gather beneath me
Waves break above my head

LUCY:

Friday night, it rained. It rained and rained and rained. There was no thunder, no lightning, just rain. Rain upon rain upon rain.

I was always restless the night before the full moon, always, but that night was different. I wandered, as I often did, but it wasn't aimless. I wandered through my memories.

I made my way to the Room of Requirement long past midnight. Nobody, professor or poltergeist or student or specter, crossed my path, as if the Room of Requirement was exactly where I was meant to be. As if the past was exactly where I was meant to be.

I had no vials in my pocket. I had no set destination. I had nothing but an ache in my heart and a weight on my shoulders.

One hundred and eight full moons. October 7, 1995 would be the one hundred and ninth.

One hundred and eight full moons. One hundred and eight times, my bones had shifted into those that would make up a monster capable of the most horrific sorts of crimes against nature and magic alike.

One hundred and eight full moons. One hundred and eight times, my skin had been forced to accommodate the monster's bones with a strain so tremendous I couldn't help but scream even after so many repetitions of the same trauma.

One hundred and eight full moons. One hundred and eight times, Lucy disappeared.

One hundred and eight full moons. One hundred and eight times, the nameless monster took her place.

One hundred and eight full moons. October 7, 1995 would be the one hundred and ninth.

I closed the door silently behind me and approached the now-familiar Pensieve.

I thought it only fitting to visit again the night it all began. I didn't need the help of the vials anymore. I pressed my wand tip to my temple and waited a moment for the memory to rise to the surface.

There.

I slowly pulled my wand away, dragging the memory along with it. It was like pulling a splinter, but I forced myself to ignore the pain as I cast the shimmering ghost of the past into the stone basin below. I tucked my wand into my pocket — I hadn't tucked it into my bra one single time since escaping the caves — and plunged headfirst into the Pensieve.

I knew the memory well. The dance with my demons was choreographed, I knew the routine. A production of sorts. I knew everyone's entrance and exit, I knew everyone's steps and spins, and I hoped to one day be a part of the scene again, as a sister and a daughter and not just a phantom bystander in the dark night. I followed, a silent shadow, hoping I was swaying in time to the forgotten rhythm of the currents of the memory.

The voice of Claire Everlin was first. My sister. So close we were nearly twins, we were Irish twins, we were inseparable, or at least so we thought. So we thought we were supposed to be. "Where are we going, Daddy?"

"The moon is going to play a game tonight!" said the voice of Danny Everlin. The father I had known, the father I had forgotten. The father who might still be out there, who might still be waiting for me.

Lucy Everlin was next. Me. Or at least, who I used to be. "A game? How?"

"It's going to play hide-and-seek! See, sometimes the moon uses Earth to hide from the sun, and that's tonight! It should look really neat!"

"Wow!" The wonder in my voice — her voice — cut me deeper than any other wound from man or beast ever could. Little Lucy had no idea what was coming. "I like games!"

I still do. I still do, it's just that I've forgotten how to play, I've forgotten why I ever played in the first place. Why play when there is so much darkness in the world? Why find joy in the light knowing it can so easily be extinguished in a single green flash?

"Will Nanna be able to see it, Mommy? Nanna loves the moon."

I wonder what Claire remembers about me. I wonder if I loved the moon too, or if I've always hated it. I don't know what would be worse, the 180° turnaround or the self-fulfilling prophecy.

"I'm sure she'll see it, Claire. She wouldn't miss it." Abby Everlin. The mother I had known, the mother I had forgotten. The mother who might still be out there, who might still be waiting for me.

There was silence as we descended into the forest. The family of four and the ghost of a girl in their wake. In a wake of her own. Wandering, but not aimlessly. Lost, but not misplaced.

The voice of my father broke the silence as he lifted Little Lucy onto his shoulders. "Can you see it, Sky Eyes?"

"I can!" she exclaimed, leaning forward with so much enthusiasm it was as if she were reaching for the moon. Reaching for the moon, not running away from it. "Claire, Claire, look!"

"I see it, Lucy! It's so cool!"

I remained rooted to the forest floor, not daring to get any closer to the moment. The beautiful moment, gone too soon. I watched the familiar dance. My parents stepping closer. Their fingers intertwining. Claire looking up at the sky. Little Lucy, too.

Oblivious. Utterly, blissfully, beautifully oblivious to the catastrophe crouching in the trees.

Then came the growl.

Fear, urgent and desperate, laced my dad's voice as he jumped in front of my mother and my sister. "Abby, take Claire back to the hotel."

My mom didn't hesitate. Her voice shook, but she didn't hesitate. "What about Lucy?"

"You'll go faster with just Claire. I'll be right behind you." He turned to kiss her. "I'll stand between whatever it is and you until you're safely out of the woods, okay?"

"Danny-"

"I'll be right behind you."

Claire, sensing the barely-masked panic in her — our — parents' tones, grabbed onto her — our — mother's leg. "What's going on? Why can't we stay and look at the moon some more?"

"We'll look from the hotel room. I promise. Abby... please. I'll be two minutes behind you."

Abby didn't speak again. She merely nodded, scooped Claire up, and hurried away.

Little Lucy rested her chin on her- our- my- our dad's head. "Daddy, the moon is so cool. Is Nanna watching? You said she was in the sky now."

"You know, Luce... I think Nanna has the best view of all of us."

"Good."

Little Lucy was lowered from his shoulders into his arms. He held her securely. Like... she was everything to him. Like he couldn't afford to lose her. I could tell she couldn't afford to lose him, either. Little Lucy buried her head against the nape of his neck. And it was silent. Still. For those two minutes. And then, time started again.

"We need to get back to the hotel, baby girl."

"Daddy, I'm five now," Little Lucy whined. "I'm not a baby anymore!"

"You'll always be my baby girl, Lucy. Let's just go back-"

The wolf lunged forward, managing to snatch me away. Dad lunged forward too, desperation clear in every movement.

"Lucy! Lucy, no, not my Lucy! Get away from her!"

The bite, the scream. The phantom pain in my own ghostly abdomen.

"Lucy! Daddy's coming! Hang on, baby girl! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!"

Dad managed to tackle the werewolf off of Little Lucy. The werewolf whimpered — actually whimpered. The two vanished behind the trees, and scuffling could be heard, and snarls and growls.

Then came Dad. Cedric's dad. Amos Diggory. Wand tip illuminated, face curious and alarmed all at once. He stooped over Little Lucy as crimson blood blossomed on her white shirt and her screams pierced the night.

With a whisper — "Impossible" — and a crack, the memory ended.

I landed on the floor of the Room of Requirement, breathless as always. Tears burned the backs of my eyes, and I wasn't fast enough to push a single one away. They poured down my face one after the other, hot and fast and relentless and unforgiving.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to the silence, as if my family could somehow hear me. "I'm so sorry."

Headfirst hallucination
I wanna fall wide awake now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

I visited memories one after the other.

I somehow hoped to find forgiveness in the oblivion. I somehow hoped to find bliss in the ignorance.

I somehow hoped to find hope for my future in the hope for hers. I somehow hoped to find hope in the hope.

I somehow hoped to find love for who I had become in the love for who I used to be. I somehow hoped to find love in the love.

I somehow hoped to find something of her in myself, or something of myself in her. I somehow hoped to find something that proved to both of us that we were alright.

I visited memories one after the other. Happy, sad, peaceful, scary. Moments stretched into minutes, minutes stretched into hours. I visited memories one after the other all night long, looking for answers to questions I would never dare to ask. Looking for answers to questions that perhaps had none.

Stared into this illusion
For answers yet to come
I chose a false solution
But nobody proved me wrong

When the night gave way to the morning, I scrubbed my face dry and pulled my hood over my head before leaving the castle and stepping out into the storm that had not relented overnight. If anything, it had worsened.

Just before reaching Hagrid's, I slipped in a massive mud puddle and landed hard on my side, then proceeded to roll a couple of times, because of course I had lost my balance at the top of a small hill. When I reached the bottom, I was thoroughly muddied.

"Perfect," I muttered to myself, choking back tears. It was so small, so silly, yet it felt significant. "This is exactly what I didn't need. I-" I swallowed hard and shook my head as I pushed myself up. "And now I'm talking to myself. Brilliant."

I kicked my shoes off before stepping into Hagrid's hut, hoping to create the smallest mess possible. With my magic on the fritz, the less I had to use cleaning charms, the better off I'd be.

A combination of the loud barking and the lack of sleep made my ears ring, but I stumbled through the morning routine of getting the food out. Once they were eagerly chowing down, I stepped back out into the storm. It was freezing outside, and still pouring rain, but it helped wash the mud from my face, from my hair, from my robes. It helped, period.

I wandered over to Hagrid's garden. As I did, my mind wandered too, this time to the Diggorys rather than the Everlins. To Mum's garden, and all of the days the two of us had spent working in it while Cedric was at Hogwarts.

I knelt down and started fishing through the growth for weeds, Mum's voice telling me which weeds to vanish and which weeds to pocket for a separate compost pile. Some of the weeds nipped at my fingers, leaving small red and purple welts of protest as soon as I started to tug, whereas others clung to my fingers, eager to be added to the compost pile so that they could help other plants grow.

"When we find ourselves uprooted, we have two choices, just like the weeds," Mum's voice echoed. "We can either lash out against the circumstance and cause more hurt, or we can embrace the opportunity. Sometimes we like where we are, and we want to stay there forever. Sometimes it's much more comfortable than the unknown. But usually, when we're uprooted, it's because there's a better purpose out there for us, one we can't see from our vantage point stuck in the soil and surrounded by like-minded weeds."

I stared at the weed that had wrapped itself around my finger, watching as it snaked around my hand and toward my wrist. Toward my wrist, where the faint rope scars still lingered.

"Better purpose?" I asked feebly. Tears clouded my vision, and one or two might have even slipped down my cheeks. In the rain, it was hard to tell. "I-I've been uprooted before. Twice, really. In 1985 first, and then again this year. W-Where's the better purpose in that?"

When neither the weed nor my mother offered an answer, I pocketed the weed and continued. I had nearly finished when I heard Harry calling my name.

"What in the name of Godric Gryffindor are you doing out here?" he shouted over the rain as he approached, hood pulled high over his head.

"I could ask you the same question," I replied, rising to my feet and wiping my muddied hands on my robes.

Harry cocked his head with a completely baffled expression on his face. "I wouldn't be out here if I weren't looking for you. What's wrong? Why are you out here in this?"

"Well, you found me," I said as I effectively glossed over his questions. "Congratulations. Now get back inside before you freeze to death, it's brutal out here."

He laughed humorlessly, coming closer and crossing his arms over his chest. He was trying to act like he wasn't cold, but I could see him trembling from head to toe. "Hilarious. You really think I'm going to just head back up into the castle and let you freeze to death?"

"I won't freeze until tomorrow," I replied, turning away and searching for a small pot I could use to start a small compost pile.

"Lucy."

I didn't look at him as I reached forward for a small crate that would have to do the trick. "I'm fine, Harry, just head back up to the castle so you don't-"

His voice was louder. Closer. "Lucy."

I shook my head and spun on my heel to face him. "What, Harry?"

Harry didn't answer. He just stood there, shivering, arms crossed, looking at me with an expression that said You know damn well "what."

I turned back around after a long moment and emptied the weeds in my pocket into the crate and muttered a spell that I had heard Mum use dozens of times that would give the process a head start. I stared at the crate for a moment and rubbed at a crick in my neck from so many Pensieve hours. "I don't want to head up to the castle."

"That's f-f-fine," he said, teeth chattering now.

"Come on, let's go, you're freezing," I muttered as I trudged through the garden to Hagrid's hut. I shed my outermost layer of muddy, soaking wet robes and left it hanging near the door, and Harry did the same.

"What was that all about?" Harry asked after a moment.

His voice was still shaking from how cold he was, and I panicked a bit. My hands shot forward for his. "Merlin, Harry, you're freezing."

"I'm f-fine." He cleared his throat and tried again, this time without shivering. "I'm fine. Lucy, what's wrong? You're acting very... off."

"Well, yeah, because you're turning blue from the cold," I said, dragging him over to the couch. I summoned a blanket and tossed it to him before searching for another one.

"Lu, I'm fine," he said, pushing the blanket aside. I reached forward to force it back onto him, but he caught me by the wrist and locked eyes with me. "Lucy, please."

His hand around my wrist was like ice. And, ironically, just like that, something inside me melted. I collapsed onto the couch next to him, curling up against him and pulling the blanket over both of us.

"I don't think we should light a fire, I don't want Umbridge somehow knowing we're here," I said quietly. "But, well, you do have me." I sighed. "Sorry for being so... I don't even know."

"It's alright," he replied, his voice a little less shaky as I pressed up against his side. "What's wrong, other than, well, you-know-what?"

I didn't answer, instead burying my head against his chest. Just to keep him warm, of course, no other reason. He didn't seem to mind, anyway.

"You mentioned this being the tenth anniversary of it all?" he asked after a couple of moments.

I nodded a bit. "I just feel... lost. October 1985 is when this all started, and here I am almost ten years later and I've lost not just one but two families, and..." More tears rose to my eyes. I'm so alone.

"Well..." Harry shifted a bit, then tightened his arm around me. "I don't exactly have much in the way of family either. I'd rather not count the Dursleys," he added, bitterness lacing his tone.

"They don't count," I agreed. "They're not what family's supposed to be." I paused. "Harry, you don't have to share blood to be a family. I didn't share any with Cedric, but he was still my brother. We're your family, everyone here at Hogwarts, and Sirius and the Weasleys and everyone else over there."

"You're part of that too, you know. We've made our own little family here."

I couldn't find a reply, so he continued after a minute.

"I'm not exactly an expert in what real family is supposed to be," he said softly, "but I think what we all have here is as close as I'll ever get."

"Harry-" I started. I shook my head and shifted so I was lying across his legs. I wanted to look at him. "Are you warm enough? Does this work?"

He nodded. "Are you warm enough?"

I reached for a pillow and swatted him with it. "Git."

He laughed, fixing his glasses. "I was just asking. Merlin, woman."

"As I was saying," I said as I tucked the pillow under my head and pointed at him. "You, Harry James, do have a family, and it is a real one even though we don't share blood. Er, well... not much. You and Ron might be very distant cousins, wizarding families are horrifically intricately connected."

"Lovely," he remarked. "Who doesn't love inbreeding?"

I laughed. "It's odd, to say the least."

"Clearly." He turned to me, his expression suddenly searching and inquisitive. "Say, speaking of Harry James, what's your middle name seeing as it's not Everlin?"

My eyes widened in realization. "I have no idea."

Harry winced. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you at all, I just- I was curious, I didn't know if you knew-"

"It's alright," I said, shaking my head, "I'm not upset, I just... I can't believe I haven't wondered before."

"D'you have any guesses?" he asked.

I pursed my lips. "My mom's name is Abby, but I don't like the sound of Lucy Abby."

Harry studied me for a moment. "Lucy... Lucy Anna?"

"Maybe... I have no idea."

"Well, maybe we can figure it out," he said, shifting slightly to get a better look at me. "You look like a Lucy Lucille to me."

I didn't even use the pillow that time, opting to swat his shoulder with just my hand instead.

He laughed. "What? Was it something I said?"

"Oh, don't give me that, Harry Harrison," I spat, swatting him again. "Harry Harold. Harry Harry. You're insufferable. Have I reminded you of that lately?"

Harry James smiled at me with a fondness I had seen precious few times from anyone else. "It's been a while since you have, but it's nice to hear."

I grinned back. "So what I'm hearing is I should remind you that you're an insufferable git more often?"

"Remind of that as often as you like... Lucy Louise."

"Oh, you- you're trying to earn the title, you insufferable git, Harry James!"

I let myself laugh, let the laughter fill me up, let the gentle light push back against the much-harsher fire of the upcoming transformation. And for a moment, I let myself pretend that moment was all that existed, that there wasn't a storm brewing outside the walls of that little hut, outside the walls of that little moment. It was a fantasy, surely it was, but I let myself laugh anyway. A little moment of light even in the midst of the darkness.

It seemed almost too good to be true. So, of course, it was.

Headfirst hallucination
I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here
I've been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here

Dusk approached far sooner than I would have liked. Harry and I stayed down in Hagrid's hut until lunchtime, playing with Tuck and Fang and tossing out suggestions for my middle name, each even more ridiculous than the last. When we headed up to the common room after lunch, I watched Ron beat him at wizard's chess while Hermione knitted more for the house elves.

But, as always, dusk approached.

Ron had confessed earlier in the week that he and Ginny had found out my secret. I hadn't been thrilled, obviously, I had certainly panicked enough to warrant the twins dumping cold water on my head just to distract me from my own dizzying panicky thoughts, but when the time came to head to the Room of Requirement, I was glad he knew. One less person to lie to.

Harry insisted upon walking with me no matter how much I insisted I'd be fine going alone. Though he'd been able to keep some of the melancholy away during the day, it all came rushing back as I walked the familiar path. Soon, too soon, we stood before the door.

"I don't want to go," I whispered before I could stop myself.

I realized what a monumental mistake that was when I saw the pain in Harry's eyes as he turned to me.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice strained. "I wish there was something I could do to stop it, really I do."

"I-I know, but..." I stammered. "I'll be fine."

A familiar feeling, cold and hard as stone, crept over me. No matter how much he wished, no matter how much I wished, no matter how much anyone wished for something that would stop this, nothing ever would. The moon didn't stop for anything or anyone. Not even for the great Harry James Potter.

"I'll be fine," I said with more confidence. And by more confidence, I mean to say I said it with less emotion. "I always am."

He looked for a moment as if he'd disagree. I didn't give him the chance.

I flashed him what was probably an unconvincing smile. "I'll see you in the morning. Okay?"

Harry nodded, but I could tell his thoughts were distant. I could tell he was trying to work out a way to somehow stop what was about to happen. But he couldn't. The moon never stopped.

Some things never change.

The reminder of Cedric's words, warped though they were by my own disease, was the final blow. I needed to go before I broke down completely in front of Harry. I hugged him before he could see the tears.

"I'll see you in the morning."

With that, I turned and disappeared behind the door, sinking down on the other side of it and burying my head in my hands, waiting helplessly for the full moon to sweep me away again.

For the one hundred and ninth time.

I wanna fall wide awake now
So tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven tonight
And only I can save me now

I'm holding up a light
Chasing out the darkness inside
And I don't wanna let you down
But only I can save me

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here

"Nobody Can Save Me"
Linkin Park