I woke up from the same dream
Falling backwards, falling backwards
'Til it turned me inside out
Now I live a waking life
Of looking backwards, looking backwards
A model citizen of doubt

Until one day I had enough
Of this exercise of trust
I leaned in and let it hurt
And let my body feel the dirt
When I break pattern, I break ground
I rebuild when I break down
I wake up more awake than I've ever been before

Still I'm pinned under the weight
Of what I believed would keep me safe
Show me where my armor ends
Show me where my skin begins
Like a final puzzle piece
It all makes perfect sense to me
The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity
The heaviness that I hold in my heart's been crushing me

"Pluto"
Sleeping At Last

~

LUCY:

I was still half-asleep when the Daily Prophet was dropped in front of me. I passed the owl a Knut and glanced down at the paper.

I clapped my hands over my mouth in horror. NO.

"What is it?" everyone around me asked at once. I snatched the paper up and started reading as fast as my eyes would allow me.

January 9, 1996

MASS BREAKOUT FROM AZKABAN

MINISTRY FEARS BLACK IS "RALLYING POINT" FOR OLD DEATH EATERS

   The Ministry of Magic announced late last night that there has been a mass breakout from Azkaban.

   Speaking to reporters in his private office, Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, confirmed that ten high-security prisoners escaped in the early hours of yesterday evening, and that he has already informed the Muggle Prime Minister of the dangerous nature of these individuals.

   "We find ourselves, most unfortunately, in the same position we were two and a half years ago when the murderer Sirius Black escaped," said Fudge last night. "Nor do we think the two breakouts are unrelated. An escape of this magnitude suggests outside help, and we must remember that Black, as the first person ever to break out of Azkaban, would be ideally placed to help others follow in his footsteps. We think it likely that these individuals, who include Black's cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange, have rallied around Black as their leader. We are, however, doing all we can to round up the criminals and beg the magical community to remain alert and cautious. On no account should any of these individuals be approached."

Between the headline and the article were ten photographs of the Death Eaters. I recognized every single one, knowing their names and crimes from the stories Mum had told me as a child, but one terrified me more than the others.

Bellatrix Lestrange. She was the only witch who had escaped, and the animalistic, gleeful look in her eyes shook me to my core.

I had known for a long time that my survival in the caves was largely due to the fact that the Death Eaters that had taken me were weak. Their loyalty to Voldemort was not so strong they were willing to go to Azkaban. With these ten new Death Eaters on the loose, in the ranks, with Voldemort once again, nothing was safe. No one was safe. If I were kidnapped again, there would be no escape. No joke spells would save me.

"Lucy, what is it?" Hermione demanded, reaching forward and snatching the paper from my hands.

My hands had gone numb, so this was easy.

She yelped the second she saw the front page, and Harry and Ron read over her shoulders as she skimmed the article.

Ron was the first to find his voice. "There you are, Harry, that's why he was happy last night."

"I don't believe this! Fudge is blaming the breakout on Sirius?" Harry asked incredulously.

Hermione shook her head. "What other options does he have? He can hardly say, 'Sorry everyone, Dumbledore warned me this might happen, the Azkaban guards have joined Lord Voldemort and now Voldemort's worst supporters have broken out too.' I mean, he's spent a good six months telling everyone you and Dumbledore are liars, hasn't he?" She yanked the newspaper open and started scanning the other articles as Ron looked across the table at the twins.

"Dolohov," he said in a choked voice. "He's one of the ones who escaped."

George nodded, jaw clenched. Fred jumped up and stormed out of the Great Hall, and George followed a second later.

Before anyone could even really take note of this, Hermione slammed the paper down against the table.

"This is horrible," she said in a strangled voice.

I read the article as best I could upside down, my chest tightening more and more as I went.

TRAGIC DEMISE OF MINISTRY OF MAGIC WORKER

   St. Mungo's Hospital promised a full inquiry last night after Ministry of Magic worker Broderick Bode, 49, was discovered dead in his bed, strangled by a potted-plant. Healers called to the scene were unable to revive Mr. Bode, who had been injured in a workplace accident some weeks prior to his death.

   Healer Miriam Strout, who was in charge of Mr. Bode's ward at the time of the incident, has been suspended on full pay and was unavailable for comment yesterday, but a spokeswizard for the hospital said in a statement, "St. Mungo's deeply regrets the death of Mr. Bode, whose health was improving steadily prior to this tragic accident.

   "We have strict guidelines on the decorations permitted on our wards but it appears that Healer Strout, busy over the Christmas period, overlooked the dangers of the plant on Mr. Bode's bedside table. As his speech and mobility improved, Healer Strout encouraged Mr. Bode to look after the plant himself, unaware that it was not an innocent Flitterbloom, but a cutting of Devil's Snare, which, when touched by the convalescent Mr. Bode, throttled him instantly.

   "St. Mungo's is as yet unable to account for the presence of the plant on the ward and asks any witch or wizard with information to come forward."

"Bode... Bode... it rings a bell," Ron muttered.

"We saw him in St. Mungo's, remember?" Hermione whispered in response. "He was in the bed opposite Lockhart's, just lying there, staring at the ceiling. And we saw the Devil's Snare arrive. She — the Healer — said it was a Christmas present." She shook her head slowly. "How come we didn't recognize Devil's Snare? We've seen it before, we could've stopped this from happening—"

"Who expects Devil's Snare to turn up in a hospital disguised as a potted plant? It's not our fault, whoever sent it to the bloke is to blame! They must be a real prat, why didn't they check what they were buying?"

"Oh come on, Ron! I don't think anyone could put Devil's Snare in a pot and not realize it tries to kill whoever touches it? This — this was murder, and a clever murder at that. If the plant was sent anonymously, how's anyone ever going to find out who did it?"

Harry looked up from the article. "I met Bode. I saw him at the Ministry with your dad, Ron."

"Wait, I've heard Dad talk about him at home! He was an Unspeakable — he worked in the Department of Mysteries!"

Hermione snapped the newspaper shut, passed it to me, and jumped up.

"Where are you going?" Ron asked.

"To send a letter. It... well, I don't know whether... but it's worth trying... and I'm the only one who can..."

And with that, she hurried out of the Great Hall.

Ginny slid into Fred's now-vacant seat next to me, Neville coming to sit on my other side where George had been a couple minutes prior.

"Why does everyone look so pale and worried?" Ginny asked.

I unfurled the newspaper on the table in front of us so they could read the headline. Seeing it a second time transformed my horror to terror. I jumped up and sprinted out of the Great Hall, not stopping until I reached the courtyard. Footsteps bounded up behind me, but they weren't Harry's.

I turned around to see who it was just as strong arms wrapped around me.

"It's okay, Lucy," Neville murmured, rocking slowly back and forth. "It will be okay. We will be okay. You're safe here. We're safe here."

Whereas Harry and I were close to the same height, Neville towered over me, so my face was buried against his chest as he held me. Thankfully, no one else came. It was just us, in the softly-falling snow.

After a minute or two, the worst of the raw panic began to subside. Breathing became easier, and I grew more aware of our surroundings.

"Feeling better?" Neville asked gently as I pulled away.

I nodded and brushed a bit of snow off the fountain before sitting cross-legged on its edge. "Thanks."

"Of course." Neville lowered himself next to me, drew his wand from his pocket, and simply stared at it for a moment. "When's the next D.A. meeting?"

"Thursday night."

"Do you want to go with the Room of Requirement with me tonight, then? I reckon I could stand to practice my spells a bit before Thursday."

"Seeker tryouts are tonight and Angelina wants us all there," I said apologetically.

"Tomorrow night, then?"

I nodded. "Tomorrow night sounds soon. I could use the practice, too. Reckon we should head back to the Great Hall before breakfast is over?"

"I'm not terribly hungry," he replied, almost nonchalantly. "Are you?"

"No." I turned to study his face. "Are you alright, Neville? You seem to be handling this really well, maybe even too well. Aren't you scared?"

Neville sighed. "Of course I am. But Merlin, I'm so tired of being scared." He shook his head. "I'm done being scared. I'm done letting my fear tell me what I can and cannot do." He clenched his hand around his wand. "I want to do something, be someone. I don't want to be poor spineless, weak, brainless Neville Longbottom anymore."

"You never have been," I said. "Not to me."

"But I don't want to be that to anyone anymore," he insisted. "Not everyone is as kind and patient and understanding as you are. You know you're special, don't you?"

I managed a small sigh. "I must be, to have been kidnapped and tortured for a week."

"Lucy, that's... not what I meant."

"I know, I'm sorry," I whispered. I drew my own wand from my pocket and twirled it in my fingers, a steady stream of purple sparks coming from the tip of it. "Maybe I'm special in other ways. I just don't know what those are yet." I glanced at Neville. "I want to be someone too. Not just Cedric's sister or Susan's daughter."

"I thought you might understand," he said as he met my eyes and nodded.

I nodded right back. "I think I do."

Once we both started shivering, we decided to head back into the castle. I slid into my seat next to Harry in History of Magic just as the bell rang.

"Are you alright?" he asked. "I would have followed you, but Neville had a funny look on his face when he said he'd take care of it so I thought I'd let him say whatever he wanted to say."

I nodded. "I'm alright, and so is he, believe it or not. Just needed to clear our heads a bit."

"That's fair." Harry sighed. "You didn't miss anything. None of the other students were talking about it, but Dumbledore and McGonagall were talking nonstop through breakfast while Umbridge glared in their direction from time to time."

"Wonder if any of the escapees are old friends from her time here," I muttered.

"That would be one hell of a school reunion."

We both snorted a bit at that before tuning into the lesson. I would have loved to keep talking to Harry about it, but it was O.W.L. year. Even though my chances at a future career were dismal at best, it wouldn't hurt to earn top marks.

News spread rapidly throughout the school once the few students who did get the Prophet told their friends who told their friends who told their friends who told their friends. By the time I was walking down to the Pitch with Ron and Ginny, it was all anyone could talk about. I was glad for the excuse to talk about Quidditch instead, at least for the next couple hours.

It was a small but enthusiastic group of people who arrived for tryouts, but two stood out more to me than the others: Colin and Dennis Creevey. They were the smallest of the group by far, something that could be advantageous in the Seeker position. Though Colin was clearly the better of the two on a broom — he had two more years of experience than his brother, since they were both Muggle-born — Dennis was the one who spotted the Snitch first every time, even if he didn't get there as quickly as his brother at first. Even just within the time they practiced, he got better and better, missing the Snitch by a shorter margin every time. Halfway through, he started beating his brother there. I knew who my pick for Seeker was, and I could tell from the way Ginny jumped every time Dennis caught the Snitch that she was rooting for him, too.

But it was ultimately Angelina's decision. While the rest of us muttered amongst ourselves from the stands, she was out on the Pitch running the drills, seeing the prospects from every angle, and listening to whatever they said.

Ginny leaned over to me. "Dean's alright, but I think he'd make a better Chaser."

"Yeah, agreed. We're going to have to fill Angelina and Alicia's spots somehow."

"You mean you and Ginny won't start playing Chaser next year?" Ron asked. "I thought you two enjoyed Chaser more than Beater."

I shrugged. "We haven't explicitly talked about it, but Beater sure is fun."

"We'll just go wherever we're needed more," Ginny elaborated. "If Dean's a good Chaser, then we'll stick with Beater."

"But... we need two more Chasers. One of you could switch to Chaser," Ron pointed out.

Ginny and I gasped in mock offense.

"You would suggest separating us?" I asked.

"The nerve!" Ginny added. "The audacity!"

Ron chuckled and held his hands up in surrender. "My apologies. By all means, stick together."

Ginny harrumphed dramatically and turned back to the Seekers. "We will, thank you very much."

"Not that we need your permission, Ronald," I said with a teasing smile.

"Now you're sounding a bit too much like your roommate," he said, rolling his eyes. "She and my mother are the only ones who call me that."

"Perhaps we should start."

"Oh, for the love of Merlin, don't."

I laughed and looked back at the Pitch. Dennis had just grabbed the Snitch again. Angelina announced that there would be one more round, during which she would enchant the Snitch to fly even faster than its in-game speed just to sort out who was most fit for the position. This final round lasted over twenty minutes, but in the end, it was Dennis who finally closed his fingers around the ball and lifted it high above his head.

And just like that, the team was set. Angelina announced that our first full practice would take place Friday afternoon. We all headed down to welcome Dennis to the team before making our way back up to the castle.

"How'd that go?" Harry asked. He was trying to sound enthusiastic, but I knew him too well. Being replaced was eating him up inside.

"Well, he's nowhere near as good as you," I replied as I sat next to him, "but the new Seeker is Dennis Creevey."

He grinned uncertainly. "You're serious?"

"No, I'm Lucy."

Harry swatted me with his essay, so I reached into my schoolbag and chucked my inkwell at him. He caught it handily and unscrewed the lid.

"Thanks, I was needing a bit of ink to get through the rest of this sentence," he said jovially as he dipped his quill into the bottle.

Little did he know, however, that I had whispered "Colovaria roseus" under my breath. When he started writing again, the ink was a bright Umbridge pink.

He threw the inkwell back, at which point I smiled and said "Colovaria ater" to turn the ink back to black.

"Unbelievable," he said with a roll of his eyes, grinning as Ron and Hermione laughed.

"Anyway, Harry, yes, Dennis Creevey is your replacement. I wonder if Colin showed him all of the pictures he's taken of you in matches all of these years, I'm sure he learned from the best."

"Oh, shove off," he said, but he was still grinning at me.

I grinned back. "You're still going to the match, right?"

"Merlin, of course, I wouldn't miss it. Wish I could miss my Occlumency lesson tomorrow, though," Harry added in a mumble. "Any chance you could whack me upside the head with your new bat? I doubt Voldemort could penetrate my mind while unconscious."

"I'd rather learn that lesson unintentionally than intentionally, and preferably not at all," I replied.

"Well, you're no fun. Where's your intellectual curiosity?"

"I leave that up to Hermione," I said, lifting my hands in surrender. "For tonight, my intellectual curiosity is going to be entirely consumed by this essay on the Erumpent Potion."

Harry sighed heavily. "Right. I suppose I should get back to mine, awful though it is."

"I'm sure you were doing well before I came along and distracted you."

"You're my favorite distraction," he said without looking at me as he dipped his quill into his black ink and started writing over the pink word in black.

I blinked. I looked at Ron and Hermione to see if they'd heard that, too, or if I had just imagined it.

They exchanged an amused glance and looked at me, Hermione smirking and Ron looking smug and not surprised in the slightest. I shook my head subtly and started on my own essay, those four words swirling through my head like the contents of the potion in the cauldron earlier in the day, red and orange and yellow.

~

Wednesday night, I wished Harry luck in his lesson with Snape before heading up to the Room of Requirement.

Neville was already there, sweat pouring from his face as he fired spell after spell at a dummy. He was making so much noise he didn't even hear me come in until I shouted his name.

He blinked and glanced over, dragging his sleeve across his forehead as he did so. "Oh, hi Lucy! You came!"

"Of course I did," I replied. "How's it going?"

"I forgot the incantation that makes someone's shoes stick to the floor, but other than that, I think I'm doing alright."

"It's colloshoo, which I think is a perfectly ridiculous incantation," I said with a laugh as I walked over to him.

He pointed his wand at me. "Colloshoo!"

Surely enough, my shoes stuck to the ground. Not firmly, more like I had stepped in a large patch of bubblegum, but they did. I yanked my shoes free and laughed as I started firing spells at the dummy next to him.

"Aren't you going to get me back?" Neville asked.

I laughed. "No, it's okay, I save it for the dummies."

"No, no, get me back."

"It's alright, really."

I started firing off spells at the dummy to avoid continuing the conversation, and after a couple of seconds, Neville did, too. I was eager to try a the new spells Remus and Sirius had mentioned over the holiday, as well as a couple from the books they had given Harry. I even laughed out loud when the dummy sprouted antlers, and Neville asked me to teach him that one, so soon enough our dummies both had antlers.

I wasn't entirely sure how much time had passed, but after at least an hour, maybe more, Neville turned to me.

"I think curfew is coming up soon, but do you want to duel before we go? The dummies are great and all, but they don't fight back."

I froze. "Er, I — I don't think that's a good idea."

"I won't hurt you, Lucy," he said gently. "I know other people have hurt you with magic in the past, but I won't do that. I couldn't if I tried, I bet."

"It's not you," I whispered. "I trust you."

Neville studied me for a long moment before sighing. "Lucy, I'm going to be honest, brutally so. Is that alright?"

I nodded silently, wondering what he could possibly have in mind.

"Stop being afraid of magic the way I was. I know you are."

I blinked as his words resonated.

"I watched you in class the first part of this year, while you were shaking. You could do the magic whenever it didn't apply to anything alive. Henry noticed I did exactly that during D.A. meetings. I could perform spells on the dummies just fine, but when it came to real people, I couldn't do it. He's the only other person I told about my parents." Neville swallowed hard. "I spend a lot of time in the Hufflepuff common room nowadays. Sometimes I'm there late, and we talk. He was the one who asked if I was afraid of magic, then he helped me figure out why." Neville tucked his wand away and stepped closer. "Magic has hurt us both, Lucy. I've been afraid of it my whole life, since magic is what took my parents away. But I don't think you were afraid of magic until this summer."

"It makes sense." I studied the wand in my hand. "I vanish dummies all the time, but never the animals in Transfiguration. And I can do a silencing charm around myself like nobody's business at this point, but I couldn't silence the bullfrogs in Charms."

Neville nodded. "Exactly! I was more afraid of it than you are, because I couldn't recall a time where magic was good and not bad, but it didn't impact you quite so severely because you were older when magic began to scare you."

I absorbed all of this in silence for a moment. I hadn't realized how heavy the weight on my shoulders was until it started slipping away. Bit by bit, the darkness lifted. The fear began to vanish.

"You're not going to hurt anyone, Lucy," Neville continued in a soft voice. "I know you. We all do. You're one of the gentlest souls I've ever met. I know you've had to deal with a lot, but you're still here and you're still fighting. You're leading the fight — with Harry, of course."

"And leaders shouldn't be afraid of their own magic?" I finished.

"Well, Henry always says that being afraid isn't a moral failure," he said, "so there's nothing inherently wrong with it. But you don't have to be afraid. You shouldn't be afraid, not of your own magic. It's a part of you."

I bit my lip. I was afraid of a part of myself. But not my magic, or, at least, I didn't want to be afraid of my magic.

"Being afraid of a part of yourself makes you less of yourself. And the world needs you — all of you."

"The world needs you too, Neville," I said, "even if it doesn't know it yet."

He smiled. "I hope you're right. I'm working on believing that."

"Good," I replied, smiling back.

Neville checked his watch. "We should head back to the common room, it's just about curfew. Want to duel tomorrow night, maybe? After the meeting?"

"Sounds good to me. You go on ahead, Neville, I'm going to stay a bit longer and work through my thoughts a bit."

"With magic?"

I nodded. "With magic."

"And you won't be afraid of it?"

I nodded again. "And I won't be afraid of it."

Neville grinned. "You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that. I've missed you, Lucy. Seeing you scared was unnerving."

"I'm scared a lot of the time," I admitted softly. "I was even before everything that happened this summer."

"If you say so. Well, in that case, seeing you stop fighting was what was unnerving."

"You know, I decided around New Year's that I'm ready to start fighting again."

"You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that." Neville grinned even wider. "Good night, Lucy."

"Good night, Neville, and... thank you. For caring, for being here, for not giving up on me."

"Well, you've never given up on me, so it's the least I could do. I'm looking forward to losing to you tomorrow."

"Oh, give yourself more credit," I said with a roll of my eyes. "I'd give it a 50/50 shot of going one way or the other."

"Time will tell, I suppose. G'night!"

"G'night!"

Once Neville left, I turned to the dummies.

Afraid. I had been afraid, and that fear had been holding me back.

I had to be careful moving forward. Neville meant well, and he was right, but he didn't know I was a werewolf. He didn't know just how chaotic and powerful and unpredictable my magic was. Caution and control would be incredibly important as I explored my powers.

But my powers needed to be explored. I had tried to put it off — quite successfully for a time, too — but it ultimately failed. The storm on the hill the night before the full moon was proof of what could happen if I ever lost control.

Fear and caution were different, though. Fear and control often went hand-in-hand, but they didn't have to do that.

My mind was spinning. All I knew was that I was so tired of being afraid. I was tired of being afraid of myself, of the world, of what other people thought of me, of what expectations I met or did not meet. I was tired of tiptoeing around, tired of hiding behind silencing charms, tired of keeping all of my secrets locked up and only giving the keys out to certain people for certain reasons usually more out of necessity than anything.

Words from October rose to the forefront of my mind, from after a very similar conversation with Harry.

"Maybe I should stick to training dummies for now. Until I'm ready."

"I call dibs on being your first duel when you are."

"You're going to lose, Harry James, mark my words."

"I'm counting on it, Lucy Penelope," he replied, grinning from ear to ear. "Losing to you would be an honor. Winning felt wrong."

"Stop being nice to me, git."

"Prat."

"That's better."

I checked my watch. Harry should have been on his way out of Occlumency. If I made my way down to the dungeons fast enough, I could catch him.

I tucked my wand away and started running.

He was halfway up to Gryffindor Tower when our paths met.

"What's wrong?" he asked immediately, eyes widening.

"Nothing, nothing." I shook my head and grinned. "Harry, are you up for a duel?"

It took him a couple of seconds to grasp my question. He blinked a couple of times, fixing me with an intense gaze.

Then, finally, Harry James grinned. "Of course."

The two of us hurried through the corridors all the way back up to the Room of Requirement. Once we were safely inside, he grabbed me by the shoulder and leaned in, studying me closely again.

"You're sure you want to do this? I know you've been afraid for a long time now."

I nodded. "That's exactly it. I've been afraid, and I don't want to be afraid anymore. What better way to get over a fear than to confront it head-on?"

"What a Gryffindor answer," he said with a proud smile as he strode ten paces across the room. "Three-two-one-go?"

I nodded. "Three..."

"Two..."

"One..."

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Don't be afraid.

"GO!" we shouted together.

The duel lasted nearly three minutes, and we weren't sure who won. We cast Disarming Charms at the same time and were both too slow to shield ourselves properly. My wand shot out of my hand and landed in his just as his wand landed in mine.

Breathless, exhilarated, we smiled at each other.

"Rematch after your next Occlumency lesson?" I asked.

He nodded as we exchanged wands. "Sounds perfect to me. Now come on, the last thing we need is to get caught by Mrs. Norris after curfew."

"Couldn't agree more. Race you!" I replied as we ducked into the corridor and raced all the way back to the Gryffindor common room.

It was another tie. The git was fast.

~

A/N: Hi everyone! YOU ALL FINALLY GET DEFINITIVE ANSWERS ABOUT LUCY'S MAGIC! After everything she experienced over summer, magic went from being something to be revered to something to be feared, especially in regards to life and how fragile it truly is at the hands of someone with magic. I hope the bit with Neville makes sense, too! Lucy still has a long journey ahead of her with learning about herself and her magic, but this chapter was a MASSIVE step in the right direction so I hope you enjoyed it!

Thank you all so much for reading! You're the best! Please feel free to leave a comment if you want, I love hearing from you. :) See you all on Wednesday with Chapter 162!