HARRY:

"When's the full moon this month?" Ron asked, his voice low even though the common room was loud.

"The seventh," Lucy and I responded in perfect unison. She glanced up at me with a small smile.

"A week from tonight," Hermione added.

Lucy nodded. "Yeah. A week from tonight."

Even though the full moon was so close, Lucy had been in surprisingly good spirits about its approach. I wondered if something I had said that night on the hill had resonated with her, but I knew better than to take credit for it. She'd been better over the course of the last month, and I was growing increasingly convinced that Quidditch was the primary reason for her rediscovered ability to bounce back. She still had setbacks, still jumped at unexpected touches and loud noises and bright flashes, still clenched her jaw for the duration of DADA, still had to pause to breathe from time to time, but for every setback, she rebounded. For every down, there was an up. After watching her struggle through valley after valley after valley, it was nice, so nice, to see her scaling hills again. One day, I knew she'd pull herself up the mountain from which she'd been so violently pushed, stronger than ever and ready to fly again.

It was just a matter of time. I knew it.

"What are you doing, Ron?" Hermione asked, realizing that he was writing on parchment without any textbooks or notes out for reference.

"Oh, writing back to Mum," he replied. "She says hello to all of you, by the way, and she's looking forward to seeing Harry and Lucy again at Christmas."

"Christmas?" Lucy repeated, her face suddenly and inexplicably pale.

"Yeah, she wrote a letter this morning saying you and Harry were spending Christmas with us at the Burrow. Your, er, legal guardians decided it would be best — and by best, I think she means safest — for you to be with us since Umbridge is here and You-Know-Who is everywhere else. Hermione would be welcome too, but she's going... er, what was it called again?"

"Skiing," she answered without glancing up.

I nodded, feeling somewhat relieved. I had expected to be at Hogwarts for Christmas, maybe with Lucy, maybe alone. Christmas at the Burrow sounded far more enjoyable, even if Sirius wouldn't be there. But then again, I reckoned it would be easy enough for him to Floo over for a couple of hours, surely he could do that much at least.

I could tell from the look on Lucy's face, though, that she felt very differently about this turn of events. She looked sad, and scared, and, for the first time in a long time, small. Though I knew the fever was burning her from the inside out, her face was pale, and her knuckles had whitened around her Transfiguration textbook. I wanted to ask what was wrong, but thought better of doing so in front of Ron and Hermione. I'd get her alone and ask then, I knew that was the best way to get an honest answer.

"Wait, legal guardian?" Hermione asked. "Who's your legal guardian, Lucy?"

"Mad-Eye, technically," she replied without looking up from the page she was reading. Her voice trembled almost imperceptibly. I watched with despair as her expression closed off, her stormy eyes went blank, her hands relaxed around the book, and the redness rushed back to her face. She was hiding, packing it all away, running, trying to push down whatever it was she was feeling. "They found something Mum wrote several years ago saying she wanted him to be legal guardian for Cedric and me if something happened to her and my dad. It makes sense. Mum was an orphan and Dad was an only child whose parents were killed in the first war. Mad-Eye was one of the only people Mum trusted, and Dad generally trusted Mum's judgement, so that's how that happened."

"Doesn't seem terribly paternal, but he's an effective protector," Ron said. "Would've thought Lupin would make more sense, though, since you two are so similar."

"Are we?" Lucy asked absently. A faint, amused smile — a false faint, amused smile — toyed with the corners of her mouth as she turned the page. "In terms of appearances, I think I take more after Mad-Eye except that I have all four limbs still."

Hermione and Ron both snorted with grudging agreement before returning to their respective writings. I pretended to return to my essay as well, but I continued stealing occasional glances at Lucy, and at the ring around her finger. She seemed determined not to feel anything at all. Unfortunately for her, or perhaps fortunately, I knew better than to let it go so easily.

Eventually, we were the only ones left in the common room.

"What's wrong, Lu?" I asked softly. "What happened?"

"Nothing," she lied. She didn't glance up from her textbook, she was avoiding my eyes. It was a small gesture, a tiny difference, but unfortunately for her, or perhaps fortunately, I knew better than to take something like that at surface level.

"I don't think it's nothing."

"Nothing's wrong, Harry, I'm fine. Just the full moon coming up, that's all. Nothing new, nothing radical."

I wanted to beg her not to shut me out, but before I could, she was standing to her feet.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be short with you," she whispered, finally glancing at me for a second before sliding her book into her bag. "The fever's starting. I should probably go to bed before... before I make matters worse."

"You're not making anything worse, Lu," I assured her. I rose to my feet as well and pressed my hand to her forehead. "I think you're right."

Lucy nodded, her eyes sinking shut as she pulled away from my touch. "I know you and Ginny both want me to try to think positively about this, but it's hard when you can feel everything within in you slowly getting hotter and faster and less controlled and less... human. It's terrifying, Harry, I hate it." She squeezed her eyes shut and inhaled sharply. When she spoke again, her voice was even softer. "I know I scare society, but sometimes I think I scare myself even more, somehow."

"Is that what's wrong?" I asked after a moment.

She hesitated for slightly too long before nodding. I felt my heart drop. After how well she'd been doing lately, I was seeing it all slip away before my eyes. I scrambled for something, anything to say, but she was looking away and grabbing her bag and... that was that. She said good night, I said good night. The door closed behind her.

I dropped back into my chair in defeat, a sigh escaping me. After a couple of minutes of staring out of the nearest window at the night, pitch black because of the thick clouds obscuring the moon, I rolled up my parchment, knowing I wouldn't be able to make any further progress on my essay that night, and climbed the stairs to my own dormitory.

~

Gray November
I've been down since July
Motion capture
Put me in a bad light

~

LUCY:

I was still sitting with my head in my hands and my back pressed against the door when I heard Harry leave the common room. Everything was still spinning, everything was still racing. My head was too loud to make sense of anything certain, so I just tried to shut it all out. But it refused to be suppressed, whatever it was, so I remained there, unmoving.

No. Not unmoving. Sinking. Again. Again.

I was tempted for half a second to get Ginny. She had started coming and waking me up on the nights Tom Riddle plagued her dreams, and we would head out to the Pitch and pretend the Bludgers were the physical embodiments of everything and everyone that had ever wronged us. She would shout his name with every swing of her bat, as if every loud crack of bat on ball broke down just a bit more of his continued presence in the darkest corners of her nightmares. For what it was worth, I said names too. Occasionally I would shout "UMBRIDGE" or "SNAPE" just to make her laugh, but it was the names I whispered in a voice no one would ever hear that I hated the most. Greyback. Voldemort. Greyback. Voldemort.

I was tempted for half a second to get Ginny, but I decided against it. I stared into the darkness of the stairwell until my mind went blank. Once my mind went blank, my body began to act of its own accord.

~

I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone
Trying to find the one where I went wrong
Writing letters
Addressed to the fire

~

I found myself in the Hufflepuff common room an unknown amount of time later. I had forgotten that it was always sunny in there. It was empty except for one person, whose head turned as soon as I climbed through the barrel.

"Oh, hi Lucy!" Henry said from his spot across the room where he was practically up to his nose in textbooks. "What are you doing down here?"

"Honestly... I'm not quite sure. I just..." My eyes wandered to Cedric's portrait. He had been asleep, but his eyes were beginning to open. "I just wandered here."

"Are you sleepwalking?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Just... one of those nights, I guess."

"D'you want me to put up a silencing charm around you two?"

"I can do it, but thanks, Henry." Without another word, I crossed the room to Cedric's portrait. I inhaled slowly through my nose and managed a smile. "Hi, Ced."

"Hey there, Lu. What's wrong? It's late, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Just one of those nights."

Cedric looked confused and concerned. "Is there something I should know about nights like this?"

"No." I shook my head. "No. They just... they just happen sometimes. A-And I just wanted to see you. I, er..." Tears began to climb up my throat, but I refused to let the emotion reach my eyes. Henry couldn't hear me, but he could see me. I reached for my wand and twirled it through my fingers for something to do instead of cry. "W-Well, I thought something would work out one way, but it's working out another way, and I'm not sure if it's for the best or not."

"What's wrong?" he asked again, his voice gentle.

I swallowed before I admitted in a whisper, "I wanted to spend Christmas with you, I was planning on it, even, but I can't anymore and it's all because of the war and... and I just want it to stop but I know it's only the beginning. You were only the beginning." By the time I stopped to breathe again, my voice had risen almost to a strangled cry. I took another breath to steady myself, hating the way my heart raced a bit faster and the fever seemed to tick a bit higher as a result of my outburst. Whispering again, I confessed something I hadn't confessed even to myself at that point. "If you were how this begins, I don't want to see how this ends."

Cedric struggled to find something to say in response. There was nothing to say in response. I shifted my weight and kept talking to spare him the burden of responding to something like that. Something horrible because of all of the implications that could possibly come true because anything was possible in a war like the one on the horizon.

"Ron said it was because it would be safest, but I don't care. I want to be here with you."

"You should want to be safe."

"I don't know if I want that."

"I do. I know that I want that, anyway, and I know I'm not the only one."

I bit my lip. "I'm afraid you're right."

"I know I am."

"That doesn't change the fact I want to be with you, though," I said.

"I know that too," he replied. His eyes flickered to my wand, and he smiled a bit. "That's neat. How are you doing that?"

I glanced down, wholly unaware of whatever neat thing was happening this time. This time, it wasn't sparks coming from my wand, but steam. Except sometimes, a spark would shoot out, or a water droplet would slip out. The spark was always purple, the water droplet always blue. The steam rising from my wand was equal parts blue and purple.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "It's been happening a bit lately, me doing magic without knowing about it. It's just been sparks lately, though, the steam is new, and the water."

"That's neat," he said again. He looked over my shoulder and grinned. "The look on Henry's face is priceless. He just noticed."

I rubbed the back of my neck. "I should probably try to explain, then. Thanks for talking to me, Ced. Y-You really don't mind that I won't be here with you?"

Cedric's face shifted ever so slightly. I knew what he would say next, but I didn't want him to have to say it.

"But you're not really you," I whispered.

He nodded, just a bit. "Right. I'm sorry."

"No, don't — don't be sorry. It's my fault for projecting. I-I'm still glad, so glad, this part of you is here." I swallowed and rubbed the back of my neck again. I needed a hug. I managed a smile. "Good night, Cedric. I love you."

"I love you too, Lu. Get some sleep."

I nodded and cleared the silencing charm with a wave of my wand, tucking it away immediately after to stop the magic. I turned to face Henry — Cedric was right, his face was priceless.

"Before you ask, no, I don't know how I do it," I said, face flaming. "It just happens sometimes."

Henry grinned. "Well, whatever it is, it's cool! Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah, a bit." Feeling somewhat awkward, I headed over to where he was sitting and lowered myself into a nearby armchair that would allow me to stare into the fire. "How are you doing, Henry?"

He exhaled slowly. "That's the big question now, isn't it?"

I nodded. "Isn't it indeed."

"When I'm busy, I'm alright. When I'm not... it's like when I'm moving, I'm not aware of the hole as much, but when I slow down, I can see it and feel it and it seems a lot bigger than when life is just a blur of motion."

"Is that why you're awake at... whatever time it is?"

"I intentionally haven't checked the clock since my sister went to bed," he chuckled, "but somewhat, yes." Henry fell silent for a moment, and I felt his eyes on me. "Feel free to ignore me if you're tired of people asking this question, but how are you, Lucy?"

"I'm not tired of people asking, but I am tired of not having a good answer," I said with a shrug. "My best answers are the ones I give to Cedric, honestly." It's like I don't mind admitting the worst of me to someone who will never actually hear those confessions.

I realized with a jolt that my robe pocket was bulging a bit. I glanced down, and surely enough, it was full of my letters to Cedric. I must have gone up to my dormitory in my daze and grabbed the lot.

I looked back up at the fire, then over at Henry. "Do you know if Umbridge watches this fire?"

"Watches the... what do you mean?"

"I, er, I've seen her hand scrounging around in the Gryffindor fire."

Henry's eyes widened. "Well, that's concerning. But no, I've seen no such thing and I spend a majority of my time here. No offense, but, um, she doesn't exactly have reason to, er, mistrust us."

"That's fair," I replied with a small smile. I drew my stack of letters from my pocket. "So you think if I burned these, they'd be safe?"

"Definitely," he said, nodding. "You could always kick up the fire a bit, make sure they're destroyed more quickly and more difficult to retrieve."

"You're a smart man, Henry Furls," I chuckled. I knelt in front of the fire and placed the first one in, then the second. One by one, the stack grew. I reached for my wand and whispered the spells I needed. The fire roared like a lion, swallowing the letters whole in a flash of scarlet and yellow.

~

Back in the Gryffindor common room, I made my way over to the window seat. My favorite shelter when I needed to be alone. It was where I was closest to the stars, seeing as our tower was tallest and the castle was up the hill from the Quidditch Pitch. From that spot, only a thin layer of glass separated me from the stars.

Without even thinking twice about it, I whispered a couple of small charms that would have a hinge-like effect and pushed the window open. Frigid November air rushed into the tower, extinguishing the fire in the fireplace to smoldering embers. I considered getting up to light it again, but the freedom of the open window seemed to pull me in.

I kept my wand in my hand, making a point of not looking at it as I let my eyes wander among the stars and tried not to think about anything other than the sky above me. My magic, however, demanded my attention. The sparks from my wand, rather than fizzling out, floated up. Blue as the sky and blue as my eyes and blue as the ring around my finger. These blue sparks danced in front of me, formless at first.

Then, they slowly formed a circle. A couple more sparks filled the circle with familiar shapes.

The full moon and its craters, I realized.

I slashed my wand through the moon to clear it away. The sparks, unfazed, continued to pour from my wand into new shapes, bigger with every passing moment.

The emblem of St. Mungo's. A candle with a flickering flame. A camera with a bright flash. Six strands of sparks being woven into twin braids. A broomstick, then two broomsticks. The logo of the Werewolf Capture Unit. A Quaffle. A goblet of wolfsbane.

The Hogwarts crest, which morphed into a lion. Four trees, and a cloaked figured lurking just behind. The Philosopher's Stone. My Quidditch jersey. A basilisk, then a dementor, then... a bear. My patronus. A deer. Harry's patronus.

The Goblet of Fire. A Swedish Short-Snout, a Hungarian Horntail. My dress for the Yule Ball. The outline of the Black Lake.

And then... an osprey. I slashed my wand through it, trying to clear it away, but without success. I tried again, to no avail. The harder I tried, the more solid the bird became. So I stopped.

My magical life story, beginning with the night I was bitten. Told in shapes created by the blue sparks still streaming from my wand. Realizing there was nothing I could do to stop it, I watched as my magic continued to fill the night.

The osprey gave way to a rose. A broken wand. A boulder, then a boulder blown to bits. The biggest couch in Grimmauld Place. An unbuttoned shirt. A quill. I must not tell lies. The Quidditch Pitch. A Venomous Tentacula. A training dummy. My medical record. A Beater's bat. A Bludger.

It seemed to stop with the Bludger. The stream of sparks from my wand stopped as the Bludger hovered in front of me. I tucked my wand away and was about to swipe my hand through the sparks to disperse the image, but the sparks began to contort again into one final image.

A phoenix.

I stared at the bird for a moment, utterly baffled. Why would Fawkes come last in my story? Why would he be in my story at all? I studied it for a moment longer and realized it must represent the Order of the Phoenix. That explanation still didn't feel quite right to me, but... it was the best I could manage.

Slowly, the sparks faded into the night. I remained in the window seat with my knees to my chest until the last bit of light dissipated into the darkness. The silence. The cold. Blue into the black, blue into the nothingness. Blue until it was gone, until the darkness overcame it.

Would I be overcome that same way?

I reckoned that was the way it should be. The longer I sat there, the more I terrified myself. I was losing control of my magic, as evidenced by everything about that little display. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know how I was doing it, I didn't know why I was doing it. I was dangerous. I had always been dangerous.

That night in the forest in 1985, it could have been any of us. Any one of us could have been bitten, and it was me. I reckoned that was the way it should be. I had no way of knowing for certain if Claire was magic or not, but I doubted it. Nothing in my memories suggested that anyone else in my family was magic. Just me. I couldn't help but wonder if Greyback had been in the forest that night because he had known I'd be there. He loved magic children, from the stories I had heard all my life. It was all my fault. I was dangerous. I had always been dangerous.

I was losing control. I lost control every month, every moon, but losing control of my magic... that was different. That was dangerous. I was dangerous. I had always been dangerous.

Tears eventually flowed down my cheeks. I didn't bother trying to stop it. Anything was better than losing control.

I was magic. I was losing control.

I was dangerous. I had always been dangerous.

~

And I was catching my breath
Staring out an open window
Catching my death
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
That this pain would be for
Evermore

~

HARRY:

I kept thinking Lucy would get better, that she would snap out of it. She didn't. She carried on as if everything was fine, but I knew. I just knew. There was something in her eyes that had been blessedly absent for a time, but it was back. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was sadness, maybe it was both. I couldn't quite see over the wall she had constructed around her emotions — the ladder I had brought wasn't high enough. I wondered if Cedric's would have been; I realized with yet another devastating blow that it was still my fault that he was gone. But I clung stubbornly to the ladder, waiting for the walls to crumble or my ladder to grow. Whichever came first, I would be there for her.

Where else would I be?

It was disheartening, though, devastating, to see everything slipping away. All of the progress she had been making, every little moment of joy she had been fighting for and claiming as her own again, draining away. The light in her eyes dimmed as her face reddened, and even her nervous pre-full-moon tics seemed apathetic.

I would be there for her, no matter what, and I would follow her anywhere. But I didn't know where she was going. I didn't know how to follow. The walls were too high. I was helpless. I just wanted time to stop, just for a moment, just so I — we — could figure this all out. I didn't know what to do, where to go, how to help. All I knew was that I felt like I was losing her.

Slowly but surely, the full moon approached. Before I knew it, Wednesday night was upon us. The hands of the watch were almost on midnight. The next night would be the full moon. Lucy retired early, as she had been doing all week, but based on the way the circles beneath her eyes darkened with every passing day, I knew she wasn't sleeping. I retired somewhat early, too, knowing I wouldn't sleep at all the next night. My final thought before I fell asleep was of Lucy, hoping foolishly that she was alright, somehow, and I was making it all up.

~

LUCY:

My hands trembled. All three of the other girls had been asleep for hours, but I was awake. I was wide awake, and my hands were trembling. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't sleep.

I had kept control over my magic all week, tighter than a noose. I only touched my wand to perform magic in class. Everything else I did the Muggle way. I hadn't changed the color of anything else. I hadn't sent off any more sparks. I hadn't let myself do anything else.

I was feeling the strain, though. Magic had been what pulled me out of the dark place. My escape from the caves, my involvement in Dumbledore's Army, my return to the Quidditch team, everything had to do with me connecting to the magic inside me again. But that was dangerous. I was dangerous.

I was dying, too. I felt stifled from my hiding spot behind my bed's curtains. I felt stifled, period.

I slipped out of the room. I didn't even realize my wand was in my hand until I reached the common room, but by then, it was too much effort to turn back.

Outside. I just wanted to get outside.

As I stumbled down stairs and through corridors, trying to escape, I found myself replaying the sparks show from nearly a week prior. Always starting with the full moon. Always ending with the phoenix. All of the images that had been haunting me in between. But as they looped over and over, they seemed meaningless. I had gone numb to the emotion of it all.

~

Hey December
Guess I'm feeling unmoored
Can't remember
What I used to fight forI rewind the tape but all it does is pause
On the very moment all was lost
Sending signals
To be double crossed

~

And yet... I was far from numb. How could I possibly be numb, after everything?

As soon as my bare feet hit grass instead of stone, I began to run. Not run, sprint. Not sprint, race. Against whom, against what, I didn't know. But it was a race, and no matter what, I was going to win, I was going to come out on top. Not the monster. Not the darkness. I was going to win. I was going to come out on top.

The world around me was a blur. I didn't know where I was going, but my magic did. Fleet-footed through the snow, I raced against everything that had once tried to hold me back.

I hadn't run that way since the night Cedric died.

I wasn't numb. How could I be? How could I let myself think that I was?

I was afraid. I was running because I was afraid. Of the monster, of the darkness, of the unknown, of everything, of everyone, but mainly of myself. If I ran fast enough, I thought maybe I would leave my dangerous shell of a self behind and only my magic would remain. My magic propelled me forward.

I didn't know where I was going. My magic did. I closed my eyes, surrendering to it, and kept running.

~

HARRY:

I jerked awake suddenly. It wasn't from a nightmare, or from a noise in the room. It was odd. One moment, I was asleep. The next, I was awake.

I reached for the Marauder's Map. It had become something of a habit in the past year, to check the map when I woke up for no identifiable reason. I figured it couldn't hurt to help keep an eye on things.

I froze. Lucy wasn't in her dorm.

Lucy wasn't in the Gryffindor common room, either.

Lucy wasn't in the Hufflepuff common room, either.

Lucy wasn't wandering in the corridors, either.

"Where on earth are you?" I whispered to the parchment, to her, scanning it frantically.

Suddenly, I spotted movement. The only dot that was moving on the entire map.

Lucy's dot had always been interesting. It had never said "Lucy Diggory," nor "Lucy Everlin." It had always just said Lucy.

Lucy had just left the courtyard, and she was moving at an impressively fast pace.

I knew I had to follow her. I grabbed my shoes and the cloak and my wand and the map, wrestled my Quidditch jumper over it all because it would surely be freezing, and stole from the dormitory, taking off after her as fast as I could.

~

LUCY:

I opened my eyes when I felt an incline beneath my feet. I realized with a jolt that my magic had brought me to a hill.

Not just any hill, I realized with even more of a jolt. The hill. My birthday hill. My half-birthday hill. Our hill.

Our hill.

I knew I couldn't stop, not after I'd gotten so far. I kept running, heaving for breath as I climbed all the way to the top, one foot in front of the other. When I reached the top, though, I realized I didn't feel as fatigued as I should have been. I was alive. I was alive.

Better than that, I was alone.

The wand in my hand was heavy. The images in my mind were heavy, too. My burdens seemed heavier than perhaps they'd ever been. Everything was confusing, everything was heavy, everything was overwhelming, everything was wrong. I didn't know what to do anymore. Everything was hurting, everything was hurting, and I couldn't bear it anymore.

I launched my wand away from me as hard as I possibly could.

The sound of my own scream pierced the otherwise silent night. "I'M SO TIRED OF BEING AFRAID!"

A tiny crack was all my magic needed.

Above my head, a stormcloud burst into existence with a loud clap of thunder. Lightning struck the grass just beside me, and the force of all of this at once knocked me to the ground.

"No! I — I don't even have my wand!" I protested. "How is this happening?"

I received no answer. I struggled to my feet just as thunder boomed again. I looked up, and more successfully dodged the lightning again.

The stormcloud was no wider in diameter than I was tall. It was over me and only me.

"This isn't fair!" I cried, a sob catching in my throat.

A steady rain began to fall as soon as the words left my mouth. I blinked the water out of my eyes and jumped out of the way of another bolt of lighting.

"WHAT?" I kept my face turned upward. "What, NO FIRE?"

Thunder cracked in response, and the lightning that struck that time lit a fire just beside me.

"OH, PERFECT! PERFECT! MERLIN, I — I'M SO TIRED OF BEING AFRAID! ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN AFRAID."

I stomped away, scanning the darkness for my wand, to neutralize this storm. I kept shouting as my search grew more and more desperate.

"MY MAGIC DECIDED THE STORY STARTS WITH OCTOBER 28, 1985, BUT IT DOESN'T. I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF WATER ALL MY LIFE, EVER SINCE THAT DAY AT THE BEACH THE WATER ALMOST KILLED ME!"

The rain fell faster and harder. I couldn't help but laugh.

"I'M TIRED OF BEING AFRAID. I DON'T WANT THE WATER TO SCARE ME ANYMORE, BECAUSE MAYBE WATER IS THE ONLY FORCE STRONG ENOUGH TO PROTECT THE WORLD AGAINST FIRE. FIRE IS DANGEROUS, I'M DANGEROUS. AM I FIRE?"

The fire, still growing, roared in response. I laughed again, frantic now as I searched for my wand in the grass.

"SOMETIMES I WISH THE WATER HAD EXTINGUISHED ME THAT DAY. LIFE WOULD BE A LOT EASIER FOR EVERYONE IF IT DID." Where is my wand, where is my wand, where is my wand? "I NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN A MONSTER. I NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN A DANGER. I NEVER WOULD HAVE—" Where is my wand? "NEVER WOULD HAVE—" Where is my wand, where is my wand? "I NEVER WOULD HAVE BECOME THIS IF EVERYTHING HAD ENDED THAT DAY. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M STILL HERE. ALL I SEEM TO DO IS MAKE A MESS OF EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE I GO."

The rain was falling so thick it was nearly impossible to see. The fire was still raging, impossibly.

I spotted my wand, finally, and lunged for it. But I was unsteady, and I struggled to keep my footing.

That was the last straw. That lack of stability. That new fear of falling.

"Even when I do my best to stamp out the fire, I can't," I choked out. The storm immediately dwindled, as if it was trying to make sure it could hear me. I closed my fist around my wand. "I've tried controlling my magic all week, and this is what happened." I moved my wand in deliberate sweeping motions to disperse the storm. I had never done anything remotely close to that before, but it felt right. Surely enough, the storm began to clear as I talked to myself. "I don't know if my fire is the kind that can be extinguished by ordinary water." I was silent until the cloud above me was gone. Still, somehow, the fire continued. I approached it hesitantly, almost reverently. I inhaled slowly, shakily, through my nose, and instead of trying to get rid of the fire just yet, I stared into it. After a moment, I whispered, "Why?"

~

And I was catching my breath
Barefoot in the wildest winter
Catching my death
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
That this pain would be for
Evermore

~

HARRY:

I tried to take a deep breath, but my chest was tight. I had no idea what I had just witnessed, no idea what it meant, but I couldn't possibly pretend I hadn't witnessed anything at all. Because I'd seen — and heard — everything.

I made it the rest of the way up the hill. I was about to call Lucy's name when she whirled around suddenly, horror written all over her face.

"Harry," she stammered, wrapping her arms around herself like she was suddenly cold. "I-I-I'm sorry."

I shook my head in disbelief. Only Lucy would say something like that after doing something like that. "Why would you be sorry? Are you alright?"

"I need to figure out how to extinguish the fire," she said. Her voice was hollow.

"I can try to help if you want, I brought my wand." I stepped closer to the fire and studied it. "Why didn't the rain do anything to put it out?"

Lucy was silent for a long moment. "Harry, I... I don't know how to explain anything that just... that I just..." She made a strangled noise and slashed her wand at the fire. "Aguamenti!"

The water turned to steam before it even touched the flames.

She made another strangled sound and kicked up a tuft of snow. Only then did I realize she was barefoot. More so than that, she was in nothing but a light blue nightgown that whipped around her knees in the winter wind. And on top of all of that, she was still soaking wet from her personal thunderstorm.

"Merlin, Lucy, I know the full moon is tomorrow, but it's still December," I said. "Do you want my jumper?"

"It's alright," she replied, but the tremble in her voice gave her away. She didn't protest when I slipped off my Quidditch jumper and handed it to her. She just held it in her hands and stared at me for a moment. Her eyes were shattered glass. After another couple of moments, she dropped her eyes to the fire, fingers still tangled in the jumper in her hands. "Finite."

Even though she had tucked her wand into her pocket to accept the jumper, the fire died to embers instantly. Then they went cold and black. Just like that.

"I'm not afraid of you," I heard my voice saying. I hadn't meant to say it. It was true, obviously it was true, but I didn't realize I was saying it until the words had left my mouth.

She didn't lift her eyes from the coals, and she didn't acknowledge my statement. "How much did you hear?"

"Everything. I... I reached the base of the hill when you reached the top. I was the one who found your wand, I tossed it back up the hill to you."

"Thanks."

"Of course."

Finally, Lucy turned to me again. Her expression was shuttered. She was still trying to hide from me. Something inside me shattered, but I didn't dare show it.

Lucy had been through more than enough for one night.

I reached forward and helped her wrestle the jumper over her wet hair and sodden nightgown. I rubbed my hands up and down her triceps a couple of times to warm her up before tossing the cloak over the both of us.

We were silent the entire way back.

Once in the common room, we were silent too, at first. Lucy's eyes wandered to the window, her favorite spot by the window, but her expression was still carefully guarded.

"Thanks for following me,," she said after a moment.

"You know I'd follow you anywhere, right?"

Lucy blinked in surprise and looked at me.

I nodded. "I mean it. We work best as a team, don't you think?"

"Danger follows me everywhere I go, Harry," she whispered.

"All the more reason to not go at it alone," I replied. I could tell that my words were bouncing off an invisible shield charm, but I kept at it anyway, desperate for something to stick. "Having to be alone on the worst night of every month is torture enough, Lu, don't try to take on everything else by yourself, too."

She nodded, but I knew she didn't really mean it. I fought off my frustration with her for the rest of the night as I tossed and turned. I couldn't stomach the thought of Lucy backsliding any more than she already had. I wasn't sure if what happened that night had helped her or hurt her, but until we talked, really talked, I would never be sure. Though the storm had only drenched her that night, and the fire only answered to her, I felt like I had been swept up into it, too.

~

Can't not think of all the cost
And the things that will be lost
Oh, can we just get a pause?
To be certain we'll be tall again
Whether weather be the frost
Or the violence of the dog days
I'm on waves, out being tossed
Is there a line that I could just go cross?

~

LUCY:

Thursday, I tried to tie up my magic again, shove it all into a little box that I only opened when I needed to perform in class. It didn't work. Little bursts of magic slipped from me in various ways. I had a head cold brewing, and every time I sneezed, a couple of blue or purple sparks would shoot from my finger tips. Sometimes, heat from the fever rolled off of me in the faintest surge of magic. When Peeves startled me in the hallway, the cap from my ink bottle had been fired into his nose without me even consciously thinking about using Waddiwasi in retribution. Harry was the only one who noticed any of this, though he was kind enough not to say anything. I wanted to forget the storm at the hill ever happened. I wanted to forget all of it.

My chance would come with the full moon, when for a couple of hours, I would know nothing of Lucy Everlin Diggory. For the first time ever, I welcomed that release. I would be in the Room of Requirement for the night, where nobody important could be hurt by me. It was for the best.

When I closed the door behind me, though, Harry filled my mind. He had been there. He had been there, and he wasn't afraid. I didn't need a mood ring to tell me he was sincere when he assured me he wasn't afraid. He had been there, and he had been Harry, as always. He had a habit of appearing when I most needed him.

I was reminded of my dream in the caves. He had arrived just in time, just before I had given up hope.

I was close to giving up hope then, too, when he had tossed me my wand. I hadn't seen him, or heard him, or otherwise sensed him, but he'd been there anyway. Even though I couldn't sense him in that moment either, seeing as we were on either side of the disappearing door, I knew he was there on the other side of it, and he would be there in the morning, too.

The first scream tore from my throat. Then the second. Then the third.

My last thought before losing myself completely was of Harry. Holding his hand out to me in that dream from the caves, so realistic it was as if he had been there.

~

And when I was shipwrecked

Can't think of all the cost

I thought of you

All the things that will be lost now

In the cracks of light

Can we just get a pause?

I dreamed of you

To be certain we'll be tall again
If you think of all the costs

It was real enough

Whether weather be the frost

To get me through

Or the violence of the dog days
Out on waves being tossed

But I swear

Is there a line that we could just go cross?

You were there

~

HARRY:

The watch informed me that the transformation was beginning. I dried the couple of tears that slipped down my cheeks before heading straight to my dormitory — I wasn't in the mood for dinner, Ron and Hermione had rounds, and I didn't feel like talking to any of the Weasleys. I pulled a couple of extra jumpers over my head to give to Lucy in the morning and crawled beneath the covers, burying my pounding head under my pillow.

I pretended to be asleep already when Neville and Dean and Seamus came up one by one, but I didn't sleep all night long. I couldn't. In my mind, I kept seeing the storm, and the fire, and Lucy, in the middle of it all, nearly hysterical with terror. I kept hearing what she said, too.

I was haunted by it all.

She was tired of being afraid. Afraid of water, afraid of fire, afraid of herself. I had been searching and searching and searching for the words to say to take all of that fear away, but I hadn't the slightest clue where to start. She would never believe me anyway, at least not my words alone. No, if I wanted her to believe me, I had to prove it. I wanted to prove it.

But how?

When the time came to head down to the Room of Requirement, I slipped from the dormitory and hurried down, watch in hand. I waited, waited, waited for it to indicate that the night was officially over. I knew it would likely take her a couple of minutes to gather her wits and come back, but she would. I had to believe she would.

This time, however, the moon had only been over for about thirty seconds when the door swung open and Lucy staggered out, face screwed up in pain and her right hand clutching her left shoulder, which was bleeding profusely.

I gasped and rushed forward. "Oh, Merlin." I glanced around her into the Room of Requirement for the briefest moment as I yanked off my outermost jumper. My breath caught in my throat. Ropes, shredded ropes, littered the floor.

Lucy's face contorted as I pressed my jumper to the would. "M-My magic, it — it overpowered th-the magic in the room that was k-keeping me safe."

"Alright. Come on, let's get you to the Hospital Wing as fast as possible."

It wasn't easy. The bleeding wasn't stopping, and Lucy was unsteady on her feet. Halfway there, she started crying, and my heart managed to shatter even further, but we kept going.

"Almost there, Lu, almost there," I whispered, keeping one hand on her waist and the other pressed to her shoulder. Her face was getting paler by the second, and her breath was increasingly labored, but finally, finally, we arrived.

We hurried to the far end of the Wing, and Lucy collapsed down onto the bed, stifling her sobs by covering her face with her good arm. After a second, though, her sobs stopped, and her arm went limp.

Oh Merlin, this is—

Madam Pomfrey was there half a second later.

The second she saw Lucy, her eyes flashed to me. "Go fetch Minerva while I seal the wound, Potter."

I managed a nod, running out of the Hospital Wing on shaking legs. My mind was racing, my heart was racing. Everything was wrong. Everything was wrong. I couldn't breathe.

I burst into Professor McGonagall's office. She and Hermione were talking, but they both turned when I entered.

"It's Lucy," I panted.

They understood immediately what I meant.

"We will discuss this later, Miss Granger," Professor McGonagall said, sweeping from the room in the direction of the Hospital Wing.

Hermione, however, was rooted to the ground in horror. "Harry, what happened?"

I swallowed hard, still struggling to breathe. I couldn't bring myself to mention the ropes. Those must have been what was keeping Lucy safe the other months, but even that was... was unthinkable. And for them to have failed was... was even more unthinkable. I swallowed again. "She cut her shoulder. Somehow. Badly."

My explanation propelled her to action, and the two of us hurried after Professor McGonagall.

Though I had been gone less than five minutes, by the time we returned, Lucy was in a clean set of pajamas, her shoulder was wrapped in bulky white bandages, and the table next to her bed was filled with half a dozen empty potion vials. Her eyes were closed, and her breathing was a bit more even and a bit less labored, but whether she was asleep or unconscious, I couldn't tell.

Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall were speaking in low tones in the corner of the room. Fortunately, the Hospital Wing was empty that morning.

"Oh, Lucy," Hermione whispered, a couple of tears spilling down her cheeks. She took a couple of steps forward and studied the bandages more closely. "How bad was it, Harry?"

"I-I don't know, I didn't... didn't see it, really. I just..." I glanced down. I noticed for the first time that my hands were stained red.

Hermione followed my gaze and paled considerably. "Oh Merlin." She stared at my hands for a long moment, then looked back up at me. "I'll go tell the others. You wash your hands and stay here with her."

I nodded, numbness setting in. I hadn't even thought about the other people waiting in the Gryffindor common room for us to return. I had only been thinking about Lucy.

When Hermione left, I jogged over to the sink in the corner and washed my hands quickly before pulling a chair up to the right side of Lucy's bed.

My hands now clean, I reached for her good hand. I intertwined my fingers with hers and rubbed my thumb up and down, but if it was to soothe me or her, I didn't know.

I kept seeing the fire. The storm. The blood. The ropes.

I kept hearing her screams. She didn't want to be afraid anymore.

I had been thinking mere hours earlier about how I wanted to prove to her I wasn't afraid of her. This isn't what I meant, this isn't what I wanted, this is—

Her eyes fluttered open, interrupting my train of thought.

~

LUCY:

Harry was there. I... didn't believe it, at first.

"Harry?" I choked out. "Why are you here?"

"Where else would I be?"

Harry was there. He had a habit of appearing when I most needed him. And if Harry was there, maybe everything would be okay, even if just for a moment.

It was just that, just a moment. The pain crashed through my body, and a pained cry escaped me before I could stop it, but Harry was there. Harry was right there.

And I was catching my breath
Floors of a cabin creaking under my step
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
This pain wouldn't be for
Evermore
Evermore
Evermore
This pain wouldn't be for evermore
Evermore

"evermore"
Taylor Swift featuring Bon Iver