Missing The Angel
"Liv, this is just the ramblings of a young woman who is utterly confused about her feelings for some man named Simon."
I sighed heavily as I looked up to see Olivia examining the pond's edge, likely trying to find the best way into the water. She was still perched atop a mossy rock, her toes digging into the green blanket that covered the stone.
"I find it interesting," Olivia said, though her voice sounded distant. It was almost as if she hadn't even been listening to me read at all.
Interesting my ass. I'd been reading that goddamn diary for no reason at all. And I'd been feeling like an utter fool doing it, too.
I sighed—again. And at the same time, Olivia stepped off the rock. It was easy to see that she'd been trying to make it to the row of small stones that bordered the pond, but the woman missed. Completely missed.
The splash Liv made as she fell into the water flew all the up way to me, leaving flecks of moisture on my shoes. Maybe it hadn't been the best day to wear Italian leather.
I couldn't help but laugh, though. I just knew Olivia was going to fall at some point today with the way she was trapezing about this goddamn estate.
What I didn't expect to see was Liv laughing as her head broke through the pond's surface. Who was this woman, and where had my wife gone? I wasn't sure the last time I'd seen her smile so brightly. And hell, I missed it. I missed that smile.
I tried to keep my own grin light as I strode forward, leaning against the rock she'd been standing on. I tossed the old journal into the tall grasses at my feet.
"I told you to be careful," I drawled.
Liv's dark hair was plastered to her head as she shook it. "Oh, it's fine. I was going to get in anyway."
A snort slipped from me. "I didn't think you meant you were going all the way in."
Even from beneath the water, I could tell she was shrugging. "I wasn't. But it feels good."
She tossed her head back, and those beautiful mahogany locks swirled around her. The water had a way of making her hair look so soft; it was a cloud-like halo encasing Olivia's pretty face. Her dark lashes drifted down, resting against her cheeks. And then she pushed onto her back, swimming in leisurely strokes down the length of the pond.
And I was in hell.
Olivia's white sundress billowed around her as she glided through the blue-green water. She cut across the shimmering reflections of the trees and sky above. Her long limbs moved lithely. She was a different woman than the one who had just clumsily fallen into the pond. She was practically grace itself.
The delicate fabric of her dress had grown translucent, and it slipped and floated around her porcelain skin as she swam.
She was divine, angelic.
But I was in hell.
Because the devil was just a fallen angel, after all. And while I used to stand beside her, now I'd fallen so far—I'd fallen so far from being worthy of her. Deep down I knew that I deserved most of the accusations she always flung at me. It was just hard to admit. Not to her. But to myself.
This woman drove me crazy. She literally forced me to my wit's end on a nearly daily basis. She purposefully pushed each one of my buttons. She had me cursing beneath my breath at every turn. But Olivia was everything. She would always be everything.
And she deserved someone who could give her that. Everything.
I wasn't sure how long I watched Liv swim. I tried not to stare at how that damn dress revealed...all of her. I tried not to let my thoughts run wild. I tried not to think about the last time I had touched her or how long ago that was. I tried not to think about all the nights that she'd slept next to me, all the times I took her for granted.
The warmth of her body next to mine, her breath on my neck, the feeling of her hands tracing the muscles on my back—I had taken all of that for granted. We haven't been living in the same place, let alone sleeping in the same bed, for months.
For the past five years, I'd been living in the fast lane. Working for my dad's law firm had kept my schedule consistently full; I never wanted to be someone who rode the coattails of family success, and worked like hell to make sure I wasn't.
But today everything seemed to move in slow motion as I sat here on this rock, feeling the damp moss soak into my pants. I didn't even care.
Olivia finally drifted to a stop. She stood, and I realized that the pond wasn't as deep as I'd thought. The water only rose to her waist. And now she stood before me with that wet, white sundress plastered to her body.
If I hadn't been in hell before, I certainly was now. Because then I heard Olivia's voice say, "You should get in, Ash. It feels heavenly."
"Heavenly, huh?" I murmured.
"What?" She tilted her head, not having heard my mutterings.
I shook my head and tried to clear it. And as soon as it was somewhat cleared of....Olivia, a scoff fell from my lips. "No, Liv. I'm good up here."
She threw her arms up, and when they hit the surface of the water, more droplets flew at me. "When's the last time you lived a little, Asher?"
I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean when's the last time you did something besides going to your stodgy job and—"
"Hey, that stodgy job put a roof—multiple roofs—over your head and a car to drive and—"
"Yes," Liv said. "And I'm very thankful." The tone of her voice did not really sound like she meant that, and I sighed. "But there's more to life than that, Ash. There's more to life than... things."
"I know that," I tried to insist. But Olivia wasn't having it.
"Then why do you never do anything fun?"
"I do fun things." The words fell from my mouth because I didn't know how to just agree with her. But then I grimaced. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd done something for merely the enjoyment of it.
Olivia slapped her hands against the surface of the water like a goddamn petulant child. "Then prove it and get in the damn water!"
Christ, this woman was infuriating. But even as I thought it, I was stripping my dress coat off. And then I was tugging my shirt from my trousers, unbuttoning it. We didn't need to both have wet clothes, after all.
"Jeez, Ash," Olivia chastised. She didn't seem to know what to do, turning her head slightly as I undressed.
It was almost painful how much we didn't know how to act around each other anymore.
"Did you want me to get in the water or not?" I shot back. I rolled my eyes even though she wasn't looking at me. "What did you think? That I was gonna jump in like this?"
"Well why the hell did you dress as though you were attending a damn business meeting anyway?" she called over her shoulder. I found it ironic that she wouldn't look at me even though she'd been swimming around before me as if trying to win a wet T-shirt contest.
"Why the hell did you wear a goddamn dress and heels?" I grumbled even as I tripped over my own feet trying to kick out of my pants. Suddenly I was grateful that she'd looked away.
Liv didn't answer, but that was fine. I waded into the water until it hit my knees and then decided to dive in and get it over with. The pond was refreshing, cooling my sticky skin.
"There," I said when I popped up, shaking my head like some kind of animal. My hair stuck to the side of my face as I breathed in, letting the fresh summer air hit my lungs again. "I'm in the water, Liv." She still faced away from me, so I swam toward her and gently placed my hands on her shoulders, encouraging her to turn. "Are you happy now?"
She spun, the water swirling around her body and the floating fabric of her dress as she did. Her eyes nearly shone golden in the sun, a sparkle as forgotten as the crumbling Rosecrest.
"Happy?" she repeated, tilting her head to the side as she peered up at me beneath wet lashes.
Time suspended. Olivia's breath was the only measure of it as her chest rose and fell. A droplet of water rolled to the tip of her nose, but she didn't move her gaze from mine. I couldn't resist pushing back the stray hairs from her cheek. "Happy, Olivia," I whispered finally, even though I worried that I'd break the spell. "I just want you to be happy."
"Asher..." She leaned into my palm, and I reveled in the weight of her in my hand. "I gave up on happy a long time."
My heart broke. Because I knew what she was really saying—she gave up on a lot of things a long time ago. She gave up on me.
"But maybe there's a second chance at it," I said softly.
Liv's face jerked upright. Her brows furrowed, but her eyes...her eyes sought mine again and held on. "A second chance?"
"Well, that's why we're divorcing, right?" I let my hand fall to the curve of her shoulder, my fingers playing with the wet strap of her dress as it stuck to her smooth skin. "To have a second chance at happiness."
"Right," Olivia said tightly, looking away.
And something about the way she said it made me grab her chin, encouraging her to look my way again.
"Liv, look at me."
But then the damn woman jerked her head out of my grasp. "No, Asher!" She pushed past me, wading her way toward the edge of the small lake.
I turned, following her. "What?"
She threw me a sharp glance. "I can't look at you, okay? I can't look at you because then I remember everything. I can't look at you without seeing the man you used to be. I can't look at you without thinking about how I never said goodbye to him before, and now I have to."
My jaw hung open, my mouth gaping as I searched for the words. "Olivia..." I shook my head, trying to clear it. But failing. "The man I used to be?"
She sucked in a breath. "The man who actually gave a damn about me."
"Fuck, Liv." I ran a hand through my damp hair. "I'm still that man."
The water suddenly turned from cool to cold, and I wondered if the sun dipped behind the clouds. I waded toward her even as she unleashed her tongue on me. Even as a storm crossed over her face.
"No, Asher. You're not. You're not the man who cared enough to pay attention to me. Not the man who cared enough to even kiss his wife—"
There was no thought involved in it. I wrapped my arm around Liv's waist and swiftly dragged her into me. And then I covered her mouth with mine. Because at that moment, all I cared about was kissing my wife.
She gasped against my lips, her body rigid beneath my touch. I pressed another tentative kiss on her soft mouth, wanting desperately....well, wanting her. After what felt like a lifetime of hesitation, Liv threw her arms around my neck with so much force that I nearly tipped over. And then she was kissing me back with fervor, her lips sliding over mine, her mouth parting so I could dip my tongue inside and brush it against hers.
Thank god.
I groaned as I cupped her face, tilting it just right. I wanted access to everything because Olivia was everything. She tasted just as good as I remembered. She felt just as good as I remembered.
Her fingers wound their way into my hair, tugging on the ends of it. "Asher," she moaned into my mouth and just hearing her say my name like that was nearly my undoing.
I pulled away from her, but only barely. My lips still grazed hers as I whispered, "I should have kissed you more. I should have shown up and taken you on dates and paid attention. I should have done it all more. But that does not mean I don't care, Olivia."
"I've missed you," she breathed against my mouth, and I felt those three little words so deeply.
Squeezing my eyes shut because the look in her eyes was killing me, I murmured, "I've missed you, too."
And then Olivia was kissing me again, and hell, I kissed her back, taking possession. She was still my wife. At least for another few weeks, Olivia Graham was still my wife. And I was going to kiss her like she was my wife. Her lips captured mine, her mouth battling for control over me. And I let her take it. Because I wasn't interested in fighting about this.
Instead, I settled my attention on the rest of her. My hands dropped, smoothing over her cold, dripping dress that disastrously clung to her body. I eventually found the bottom hem. Just a little lace, it was delicate between my fingers. Like this moment.
I traced along the edge, brushing along the bare skin on her legs. Olivia shivered in my arms, and I stopped wasting time, gripping her legs in my palms and hoisting her up against me. A sharp intake of breath against my lips made my heart race. Olivia didn't protest as I carried her to the mossy bank. Her mouth was leaving little kisses along my jawline, and I couldn't remember the last time such innocent touches affected me to this extent.
I set Liv on the grass, wanting the sun to warm her. But as she pulled away from me, she still shivered. I grabbed my discarded shirt, throwing it over her shoulders. I pressed one last kiss to her mouth and drifted away slowly, my lips sliding over hers decadently.
And then I fell into the waters again, so there was distance between us once more.
I didn't deserve to have any more of Olivia than what she'd already given me. But it was hard to ignore the little frown on her face as she wrapped the shirt tighter around her.
"Asher?"
I cleared my throat, trying to find something to say that wasn't going to upset her. There were so many things I couldn't bring myself to utter, but so many things I wanted to. Even though I knew it was too late for most of it.
And so I settled with throwing her a smile and saying, "Read to me."
Liv cocked her head to the side, the frown still pulling on her face.
"Read me the journal, Olivia."
I just wanted to hear her voice. But I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to ruin what had just happened. Not yet.
Olivia dried her fingers on my shirt before plucking the old journal out of the grasses. She flipped through it, searching for the page I'd left off on. After tucking a wet strand behind her ear, Olivia glanced up at me. Dark, curious eyes found mine. But I just nodded her on.
She licked her lips, and I inwardly groaned.
"July 1868. Lady Whitley Ash." Her voice was as gentle as the wind. The harsh tone she'd been carrying all day had vanished.
"I cannot believe it. I cannot believe that Simon has kissed—"
Liv stuttered on the word, and I understood. It was taking everything in me to keep from closing the distance and kissing her again.
"Kissed me. Well, I suppose I can believe that. But dear me, I cannot believe that I let him. Whatever will I say upon seeing that blasted man next?"
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