Chapter 4: part 1

"Bill? Really?" Beverley laughs soft, pressing her head into the crook of Richie's neck.

There was just one day until they all had to meet up at the arcade. Richie still didn't have the heart to tell them he didn't want to go. He didn't want to do anything but wallow in his own self loathing.

"Hey, don't make fun of me. You like him too" he shoots back, but it's in a teasing tone, as he rests his head on top of hers.

The other two boys are downstairs still sleeping. Beverley, Stan and Richie snuck off to Stan's room to talk some more.

"Do you still like him?" Stan asks, resting his chin on his hand, as he sits on his desk, sorting through some of his things.

"No I don't think so."

"But I thought you said—" Stan began, but Richie cuts him short.

"No it's someone else" he confirms, knowing it is just a matter of time before he figures out who it is. Stan makes a humming noise, like he isn't surprised. "Well alright then"

Beverley smiles. "So, what about him made you crush on him?" She asks, and Richie can't help but blush. He didn't think she of all people would want to probe into information like that. Due to the person of the subject matter. But she doesn't even have the smallest bit of jealously on her pretty features.

"Honestly? When I first met him" he rubbed his face with his hand, wiping his eyes, while holding his glasses in the other.

"All he did was smile. He was so endearing, so sweet. He made me feel like I was the only person in the world, and the only person who mattered. Like he would give me or do anything for me. It filled me with this fuzzy bubbly feeling in my gut. And I couldn't ever take my eyes off him" instantly, they both nod like they understood the feeling.

The conversation with them is, slow, trying to make it not so overwhelming. They let him talk at his own pace, about how he feels, and to allow him to work out what that means about him.

Finally after about a hour, he comes to the conclusion to tell everyone in the Losers Club.

No matter how much it scared him. No matter how much it made him feel like someone was reaching into his chest and squeezing his heart.

He knew they would accept him. Or at least he was pretty sure.

Stan and Beverley promised, they would stick with him through thick and thin. And it made him feel better knowing he had a safety blanket.

What he wasn't ready for, however was the fact that, they wanted him to do it today, while he was still determined. Or else he might pussy out in the end. He knew they were right. He knew they were just looking out for his best interest. But it was still overwhelming.

They three get downstairs to wake the others, while Stan calls Mike's and Eddie's houses to get them to come over for the day.

Richie feels like he might have a panic attack if he has to come out to Eddie too, but he doesn't tell anyone. That would give too much away. If he couldn't hide the fact he was gay, he could at least attempt to hide who he was gay for.

Beverley had decided the spot for them to go, over by the cliff edge on the lake. They could jump down and play in the water like they always did. They would be safe, away from everyone, just amongst each other, the only people that mattered. And then go to the club house afterwards for privacy.

She was great with time management as always, and no one ever questioned her plans, because they always ended up working perfectly.

Mike had already answered yes, while everyone started packing some swim trunks, Richie borrowing a pair for Stan.

They were slightly tight around his thighs, but the waist at least fit, so Richie shoved them on, while everyone did the same with their own suits.

Over the phone however, everyone could hear the destintive sound of Eddie's mother, obviously more then annoyed.

No one could hear what she was saying exactly, yet from the sound of her tone, to the cringe on his face said it all. "But—" he began, but she would just yell even louder, causing him to wince.

Stan had pressed a few extra times, even so, ultimately the verdict was no. He didn't want to push any farther lest Eddie not be able to go out with them tomorrow.

A part of Richie felt disappointed, but also slightly relieved all the same.

So as they all, with a slight sadness weighing over them, finished packing towels and clean clothes, made their way to the lake, they made sure to not let the absences of Eddie detour then from a good time.
______________________

It was bright out. It really was. And if it were not for Stan being the only person who was actually responsible, Richie would have gotten a gnarly sun burn, covering his pale shoulders and back.

The sky in Derry was always so depressing. But today was a pleasant exception, with the sky bright blue splattered with random assortments of clouds here and there. It was fucking great.

That is, it would be if Richie wasn't stuck standing awkwardly off the shore of the lake edge, while 5 of his friends stood in the water, all of their eyes focused on him as he tried and failed, to speak.

What made it worse, however, was what finally came out of his stupid mouth.

"errr eh— I don't fuck moms—?" He said it more like a question rather then a revelation, and everyone stared at him, making him feel more self-conscious then he had ever felt before. Well, that and the fact that Stanley was over by the side of the group now currently laughing so hard he had to swim out of the water as to not drown.

Richie really wished he'd drown right now.

"What?" Mike asks amused, as Beverly falls back off his shoulders with a big splash.

Bill has Ben in a arm lock, as he looks at Richie with a amused grin. "Are you g-gonna say you upgraded to g-gr-grandmas or some dumb sh-shit like that?"

They look at him expectantly, ready for a corny joke or some stupid explanation.

Richie rubbed the back of his neck, a forced grin on his face. "No but if you want me to tell you how I took your grandmothers virginit—"

"BEEP BEEP Richie" Stan calls out, finally coming out of the water, to grab a towel and dry his hair.

"That doesn't even make sense, how would you even be able to do that?" Ben questions, soon after Bill dunks his head into the water laughing.

Beverley is swimming towards Richie, giving him patient eyes, ones that tell him it's alright, just keep going. Her curly hair now flat against a the sides of her head, dripping wet.

"Pleaaaase" Mike begins, moving to shove bill into the water after he dunked Ben. "We all know Richie doesn't have enough game to be able to get some grandma action"

Stan snorts, and Richie can't help but crack a slight smile.

"Well no. I'm not trying to get grandmas or moms, I'm trying to—" he paused for a moment, clearing his throat. Suddenly the eyes resting on him felt like needles, jamming themselves into his body, nailing him down into the ground. He makes a loud, almost screechy guttural whine, before rambling out "get dads"

For a moment there was pause.

Then Mike and Stan both spit out laughter, as Beverly sighs in her hand, shaking her head with disappointment.

Bill just looks amused, and Ben after a moment of confusion begins to laugh with everyone else, thinking he caught on to the joke. There wasn't really a joke.

Accept maybe Richie.

That was not the right way of doing it.

"Funny one Tozier." Ben says, trying to be supportive. But Richie wasn't trying to be funny for once in his life.

Slowly, they soon realized he wasn't laughing with them, just standing there, in semi-wet shorts that were now getting cold. His hair a mess and his cheeks bright red from embarrassment.

They quiet down, eyes resting on him again.

He feels like he is gonna vomit.

He does.

Quickly he is moving over to the side, spilling out his stomach acid, heaving hard. His sides burn and he can feel tears well up in his tear ducts.

Instantly he could hear movement in the water as everyone quickly gets out to try and aid him.

"Woah, d-d-dude are you okay?" Bill gets out hurried, moving to rest his hand on the small of Richie's back while Beverley pats his shoulders, coo'ing him to calm down.

It's fucking humiliating, listening to all of their worried voices. Becoming physically sick because of something so fucking stupid.

God just get it over with.

"I'm gay!" he almost yells at the top of his lungs, eyes shut tight, vomit still on the side of his chin.

His fists are clench, and he rubs his forearm over his mouth.

"I'm a fucking fairy! A flamer. A damn faggot! Bowers was right. He was fucking right. And god I'm such—" a heart wrenching sob rips through his chest, causing his body to shake violently. "I'm such a mess"

He hadn't even open his eyes yet, he just knew. He could feel the shocked eyes on him, making him small. Like the judgment of the world is now soaring down from the sky, and crashing into his body like a meteor. He would become ashes, and he would be okay with that.

As his hyperventilating slowly settled down into breathing he was able to muster up the courage to crack open his eyes.

He looked around, and it felt like the planet was just the same. Still at peace, unharmed by any flying debree from space.

They all just looked at him, a mix of sadness, and confusion in their eyes. But the smiles on their lips told him what he needed to know. They still loved him.

God they still fucking loved him and that's all that mattered.

And as they all quickly move to wrap him in their arms he knew, that the world could end today, and it would still be complete. Because at least he would have them.

They all pulled away, and he wiped his eyes.

Each of them took a moment to speak to him.

"Rich. That doesn't matter you know that right?" Mike said, his voice filled with such honest sincerity. "I don't hate you or judge you because of it. And I sure as hell won't treat you any different" he moved over, lifting up Richie by his hips and throwing him over his strong shoulder. He yelped at the initial movement, but was laughing the rest of the time spend on Mike's shoulders.

"I know what it's like to be treated different because of something you can't control" Mike spoke, putting Richie down gently. "To be hated for it, and tormented. And I'd never do it to you" he assured.

"Mikey—" Richie began and Mike just shook his head, "no Rich. You don't need to apologize. You weren't the person who did those things." And Richie hugged him, tight, feeling a shaky breath leave his body.

Bill just looked towards them with such tenderness Richie felt like he might get swept off his feet any moment now. "R-r-Richie. How long have you been h-h-hiding this from us?" He said, moving to cup Richie's cheeks between his hands. Richie had no choice but to look into his eyes.

"Well. I told Stan and Beverly first" he mumbled, and everyone turned to look at the two of them, standing behind Richie. They simply smiled and shrugged.

"Well that's o-o-okay" Bill reassured, taking a heavy load off of Richie's worries. He hugged Richie tight. "Jesus trashmouth, you k-know no matter what I'll fu-fu-f-fucking love you right?"

Richie felt himself genuinely smile. "Well I sure as hell know now."

"Oh no. Does that mean everyone but Eddie knows now?" Ben spoke up, walking up to Bill and Richie, moving Bill out of the way gently, but with enough force Richie laughed slightly at the absurdity of Ben pushing anyone, just to hug Richie. His friend. A friend that he now knew was gay.

But it didn't stop him from squeezing Richie so tight he felt like he might pop like a balloon.

Oo. Red balloons. Kinda a trigger.

Don't think about that right now. Get that imagine out of your head. Wholesome moment. Not 'relive your past tramas' moment.

Richie was instantly wrapped in warmth. Ben was like a big ol' walking pillow. Ready to just dish out more love then anyone was capable of giving back.

Richie did try his best though, hugging back, tight. Though he felt like a twig compared to Ben.

"I'm so glad you told me" Ben said, the most stunning smile on his face. "I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. You are so brave Rich"

Richie's eyes widen in shock. He hadn't thought of it like that. He was so hard on himself, feeling pathetic for not being able to get it out. He forgot how much courage he needed to use, just to do it in the first place.

"Thank you" he spoke earnestly, while Ben gave him one last squeeze. Jeez he could probably arm wrestle a bear and give it a fair fight.

"Well I'm sure Richie can tell Eddie tomorrow right?" Stan suggested, moving in the join the hug, Beverly close behind. "Yeah. Eddie is your best friend" she spoke, her voice was so lovely. "He won't react any different."

Richie didn't want to think about that. He just awkwardly chuckled and nodded his head, as everyone moved in to crush him in a group hug.

It felt nice. It felt safe. But the looming fear of what will happen tomorrow was eating at him.

So he just let it happen, pushing back any uncomfortable thoughts to the back of his mind, those were for later. And now. He must live in the moment.
_________________

The moment was over, and no matter how long Richie tried to stretch out the day, there was only so much daylight.

One by one each loser left the club house, needing to get home. And as Stan slowly waved goodbye, it left Richie being stuck as the third wheel to Beverley and Bill.

Usually he wouldn't complain, but something about the way they whispered back and forth with each other made him feel on edge.

"Richie" Beverley beckoned, wiggling her finger at him. He obeyed without question, moving over to sit on the ground with her and Bill.

She moved to sit in Richie's lap, the way she always did when she was trying to suggest a idea. To entice him to agree with her.

He was always determined to not let her break him. But she always did.

"Oh no" he muttered as she settled down, wrapping her arm around his shoulder. "What is it this time?"

She gave him a mischievous smile, batting her eyelashes innocently. "Why do you act like something bad is going to happen?"

"Because it usually does" Richie sighed, carding a hand through his dark hair.

His eyes moved over to Bill, watching him fidget with his fingers. What was wrong with him?

"Stan and I told Bill about you wanting to figure things out" she said softly, and a tinge of panic piked up in Richie's chest.

"Wha—"

"And Bill said he wanted to help"

Richie's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. What?

"What? How would he help.....—?"

He looked at Bill again, biting his lip in embarrassment, and a wave of red washed over Richie's face. Oh.

"Y-y-you don't have to, I am j-ju-just offering. I want to be supportive"

Richie laughed, hard. "Jesus Big Bill, you sure take being supportive to another level."

"Again. You don't have to. It's just a offer." Beverley quickly adds, being able to feel how tense Richie was.

"So Stan knows about this?" Richie still had a playful smile on his lips, but truly it was there, hiding his slight panic.

"Stan was the one to suggest it. He didn't want to do it himself, but if Bill said no he might have"

Richie slapped his face, they were probably more stupid then he was. He didn't want to know about this. He didn't want to be taken care of, and he didn't want anyone having these kind of conversations behind his back.

"No one has to fucking kiss me. It's not like I'll die if I don't figure it out"

"I-I-I know. But I still want to do it" Bill says, moving closer to Richie, he was being so gentle about it, it made him fill with more confusion.

"Why?"

The silence was telling. He really wish he didn't figure it out. Wanted to live with the blissful ignorance of thinking Bill didn't know he was Richie's first crush.

This day is just becoming worse and worse.

He let out a slightly annoyed sigh. "God damn it"

He turned his head to Bill, expectantly, watching his blue eyes. They reminded him of Beverley. His fidgeting made him think of Ben. His lips reminding him of Stan, and the smile lines on his face reminding him of Mike. But what really got to him, was his soft brown hair that reminded him of Eddie.

Eddie.

A part of Richie wanted to save his first boy-kiss for Eddie. But he knew that would be utterly stupid. There was no possible way Eddie would want him back.

And Richie would curse himself to being a mouth virgin for the rest of his existence.

So with a labored sigh, he closed his eyes, moving closer. At first nothing happened. There was a pregnant pause. And Richie soon thought he was probably making a fool of himself. Then he was met half way. The kiss was very brief, and dry, but soft and tender.

Richie opened his eyes before Bill could pull away, and could see Bill's eyes were open too.

He couldn't help but crack a smile while still pressed up against Bill, and he could feel the other boy smile into the kiss at well. It was a comfortable, goofy grin.

And when they pulled away, Bill just laughed. It was light and airy, he stared at Richie, watching him exspetably.

The kiss was nothing like the one he had with Bev. That one was sloppy, and a lot more of a kiss you'd think two teenagers would share. The one with Bill was more of a peck, almost like the type of kiss you'd expect from a old couple.

But something about it made his heart do a tiny flip. And he burried his face into his hands.

"Jesus. I'm a real player huh?" He tried to joke, but his voice was weak. "Two kisses from two different people within a few days? What am I James Bond?"

"James Bond does way more then kiss"

"So h-h-how was it?" Bill finally questioned.

"How was it for you?" Richie quickly cuts in, its slightly teasing, but also curious.

"It was fine" Bill answers honestly. And that's good, at least he isn't disgusted by Richie.

But now it was Richie's turn, and he didn't know how to answer, didn't know what to say. So like always he let his mouth go on autopilot.

"Yeah I do think I prefer boys" he says lamely, before looking away, not wanting to see their faces. "I liked it better then kissing a girl"

Bill rose a eyebrow, looking at him with a questioning gaze. What girl had Richie ever kissed?

Right, he forgot. He kept that between him a Bev.

Luckily however Bill chooses not to voice his inquiry. It's better off that way.

"Well that's great news huh??" Beverly says, clapping happily, seemingly very satisfied with the results.

Bill nodded agreeing, and Richie slowly followed suit. "Yeah. It is"

Nothing in Richie had necessarily changed, or newly developed. Though he could now say who the better kisser was between Bill and Beverley. It was Beverley (even though she was a girl).

There was no sudden realization like he thought there would be. He must on some level had just already known, just didn't want to admit it.

So that was it. It seemed like hours, of painstaking build up, but really it was just about ten minutes.

And when they all climbed up the ladder to exit the club house, Richie instantly noticed Stan never left, he just was standing outside waiting, wanting to give them privacy.

Richie jumped up and grabbed his hair, giving him a noogy, holding him down by his shoulder. Stan just groaned annoyed, struggling to get out of Richie's grasps.

"You little—" Richie began, but Stan interrupted him.

"But it worked didnt it?? You can't get mad at me for it!" he whined, moving to finally pull himself away, resting a hand on his hip in that sassy way he does it when he knows he is right.

"So what if it did?" Richie rolled his eyes, but the smile on his lips betrayed him.

They all four walked out of the woods together, talking absently about something else. As if Richie and Bill hasn't just kissed in their damn club house.

Richie pinched himself real quickly to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

Nope. That shit hurted.

"So" Stan began, as Beverley and Bill walked ahead of them, getting prepared to cross the street as they made their way out of the path of trees.

"It's Eddie. Isn't it?"

Richie's heart stop. He could have sworn he was being thrown into a vortex, when he turned to look into Stanley's knowing eyes.

That damn bastard.

Richie was shaking. Or maybe more vibrating, at such a frequency he felt like he might phase through the ground, or shatter glass.

"What?"

"It's Eddie. You like Eddie" Stan says, blunt and to the point.

"I-i"

"I fucking knew it" Stan grinned, eyes washing over Richie. He sighed like he was relieved. "Thank fuck I was worried it was me."

"What? You? EW!"

"Well that's a little rude. What's wrong with me?"

"You just said you didn't want it to be you!"

"Doesn't mean I can't be offended of the prospect of you saying 'ew' at the idea of me"

"Stan, I'm sure you'd make a great homosexual, but no offense, you're a little uptight."

"Uptight? Excuse me? Do you not know who Eddie is at all? The guy you are pinning for? He probably has more unexplained fears then all of us combined."

"Hey don't talk shit about Eddie"

"I'm not saying anything bad about Eddie, I love him dearly, but all I'm saying is out of everyone, Eddie is probably the most uptight here."

"Would you two stop bickering?" Beverley asks, amused.

Quickly Stan and Richie's heads snap to attention, seeing Beverley and Bill leering at them.

Shit they heard everything.

"I-I-I knew it was Eddie. You o-owe me 5 b-bucks Bev!"

She cursed under her breath, sighing and promising him she will give him the money when she gets some.

"What? You made a bet on who I liked?"

"Actually all of us did. Bev also owes me some money." Stan pipes up, easy and refined.

"Ben thought it was Bill, and Mike honestly thought Stan." Beverly offers, sighing into her hand.

"Who did you think it was?" Richie questioned, trying not to sound scandalized by the prospect of his friends betting on his romantic interest. It felt like he was the punch line of some secret inside joke he didn't get to be a part of.

"Well I didn't think it was anyone in the group, I just thought it would be someone like Tom Selleck or some shit."

"Now Beverley is absolutely correct, that man is a hunk, she owes none of you money." Richie shook his head confirming it, pointing at both the boys, eyes peering over his glasses dramatically.

"Now that's a MAN!" He swoons in a southern bell accent, throwing a arm over his head to add to the theatrics.

The other boys sighed, but more over the disappointment of not reviving their prize money. Soon they all continued making their ways home.

It felt unnatural how natural it felt. If that makes sense at all. No one batted a eyelash at Richie saying anything remotely gay. No one was bothered with it. No one hated him for it.

He quickly realized the only person who hated him for it, and was bothered by it. Was himself.

He decided to change that real quickly. No longer was it going to be something to hold him down. No longer would it be a weapon used against him. By Pennywise, bullies or even himself. Richie was gay. And he was going to learn to be okay with that.

All he needed was time, and the losers gave him all the time in the world.

So finally, there was grin splitting his face, he ended up walking home with Bill, Stanley's parents already sick of him for the few days he stayed. Bill's parents are always so much more understanding, and as they walk to his house, they talked about comic books, and their favorite new albums. Nothing changing.

Something like a weight lifted off Richie, it was so fucking freeing he wanted to keep that feeling forever, light and care free. No longer trapped in his own mind, constantly afraid and on edge. No longer always in denial, so far in the closet he would have ended up in Narnia. It was amazing, it was a feeling he never wanted to forget, he would grapple with Alzheimer's if he had to.

All was well. All accept one thing. He'd have to tell Eddie.

He gulped down a scream of frustration. Why did that scare him so much? All logic points to nothing being any different, Eddie would probably be just as supportive, if not more. So what about it made him so worried?

No matter how many questions got answered there was always a new one popping up, ruining his day. Was he doomed to constantly be confused?

So he pushed it back, not wanting to think that tomorrow morning, he would have to tell everyone he didn't want to go to the arcade with them.