It's officially the June holidays! The first day starts tomorrow (today's not included since it's supposed to be Sports Fest), which means it's time for me to officially pack my bags and head over to that seminar on Monday! I'm pretty excited, especially since the OG I'm in (some group thing) has pretty nice councillors.

For now, though: I've officially finished up a quarter of my intended goal for that YOI fanfic. I have homework, though, so it'll probably be postponed, whoops :> I'm rather surprised I still have 8 people subscribing to my profile, even though I post really irregularly and write small drabbles that don't make much sense.

Okay, now I'm rambling. Let me get to the more serious parts.

I've been watching Markiplier's videos a lot these few days, and his stuff's really funny as well as touching - especially the current video I'm trying to watch, That Dragon, Cancer. I'm not done with it - only a fifth into it, but it's already getting really suffocating.

And that's the kind of feeling I want to instill in my readers when they read my works, you know? Get that really stuffed-up feeling in their lungs, like there are tears or something, but not exactly tears, when it comes to angst. And when it's fluffy, I really want to bring a smile to their face, put a tear in their eye due to the incredible feelings in it.

That's the kind of writer I want to be. I've made people cry before (I think. Comments on AO3 have told me so) on fics like Feeling For A Direction, Red Isn't My Favourite Colour and Smile On His Lips (the first two were more popular and reached more people; SOHL was a small drabble meant for angst practice and didn't get quite as much attention). But thing is, ever since these fics, I'm starting to feel like I've lost my touch. Like, you know, my golden days are over and my popular works are just old news, and the ones I'm churning out right now are just not getting that feeling in them anymore.

I really want to turn that around in my newest fic. But I've been reading a ton of other fanfic in between, and I've been getting really discouraged. There are works that execute jokes splendidly, making me snort in the train; there are works that are just so beautifully painful; there are works with prose as smooth as silk - the use of language flows so easily and stabs at your heart at the right places.

And then there's my work.

Boring jokes that don't make sense, angst that doesn't even fit, and prose that feels more like sandpaper than silk.

It just hurts a lot knowing that I'm probably losing the days when I was excited to write, surprise people and read those wonderful comments they put there because they're just so happy after reading my works.

I feel like I'm going back into a slump. I'm Viktor Nikiforov, and I've run out of surprises for people to enjoy. I need a Katsuki Yuuri to motivate and inspire me; I need a Katsuki Yuuri to show me what writing is all over again.