And I really need to come up with a whole list of titles so I won't be stuck with naming parts weird noises or screams. Anyway, we're doing this because song recs and (a shit ton of) other stuff (be prepared if you really want to read through this entire thing man)!!

To bribe you to read more, here are two songs:

1. Pay No Mind by Madeon ft. Passion Pit - I love the first ten seconds and then subsequently 2:11 to 2:27. Altogether, 28 seconds of eargasm. Okay, so this is good in the way that it doesn't contain all that generic pop you hear on the radio these days - weird pauses, breathy singing all up against your ear, and the most boring cliche love issues these artists presumably face written down in the lyrics. Instead, it has consistent beats and a different take of topics. It's like listening to the song version of one of John Green's books.

2. Unknown Mother Goose by wowaka ft. Hatsune Miku (yes this is Vocaloid) - Alright, you probably know wowaka if you listen to Vocaloid, and if you don't know who that is, he's the creator of World's End Dancehall (one of my personal favourites from the older generation of Vocaloid music). And if you still don't know who the hell that is, never mind, just go and search for his songs. Anyway, I feel that this song's strength is in its chorus. With its fast-paced verses and strong beats, you probably won't expect the soft chorus that gives off really nice vibes. Its lyrics invoke some thought when you listen to it (and if you can't understand Japanese, just go google the lyrics on the Vocaloid wiki). It's really worth a listen!!

Alright, song recs over. Time for a little update and stuff.

Firstly, if any of you are wondering why I'm writing these Wattpad chapters instead of revising for the dreadful exams heading our way at the end of the month, know that writing something unrelated to studies (like poetry, short prose, updates like these) helps me relax a bit and honestly, save me some emotional stress so I won't break down during actual work.

Secondly, I've been having good and bad days throughout the entirety of this month. Yesterday, it was like I was being crushed under some sort of pressure and completely broke. The ton of self-doubt, blaming and dipping confidence slapped me hard in the face, and I couldn't do my work without an intrusive thought wriggling into my head and telling me I was useless, that I was just an annoying, stupid, irritating person whose friends hate and were masking the hate under a false pretence of love and care.

Sometimes, these kinds of days get so bad, each time I get stuck on a question (when I'm doing work), these thoughts flood my brain, telling me I'm a major disappointment and a waste of time and energy. I'll be reduced to tears, barely clinging onto any hope left for the future, ears ringing with suicidal thoughts and picturing how I'd kill myself. Sometimes, I get the very strong urge to get blades again.

But on other days like today, these thoughts shut up. I honestly wish I could have days like today all the time, slapping my brain in the face and telling it not to overthink. So many people tell me that I always overthink - my classmates, my senior, my best friend, even my Math teacher, but I can't control it. Whenever bad days come, these thoughts will not stop. It's like a whole SWAT team forcing into a creaky old door that hasn't been used for ages. But when it comes to better days, either the door automatically transforms into an unbreakable shield, or the SWAT team just tires itself out and sits outside the room.

Many people think I'm mostly cheerful and crazy, bubbly, funny, but they never expect to see that underneath, it's only two scenarios - I either keep it together or just crumble to powder. So it comes as a shock and horrid realisation to those whom I really trust when I do break down, but I'm just grateful to those who listen to my rants and help me through my tears whenever the SWAT team does barge in with huge shields and guns. 

And to those who don't really know why I break down, I don't know either. When the thoughts strike, they tell me I'm weak and useless and can never compare to those who have "real" reason to have a meltdown. When they shut up, I tell myself it's something wrong with my brain, that there's probably a lack of dopamine or chemicals. From this, I can tell you, to this day, I still don't know. And I'm sorry if this inconveniences you, I'll try to keep a distance.

Moving on to the third part: Since the EYA/EOYs (sigh my school just has to make it different from the others) are coming, let's see what I'm confident of improving in and what I'm confident of completely flunking and crushing to pieces.

Subjects I'm confident in: 

1. Physics! What a surprise. I hate Math with a raging, burning passion, honestly, I do. And physics, a science with a shit ton of calculations? Hell naw. But I've been practicing a lot since the holidays started, and I can now confidently say that I've gotten myself comfortable with Newton's laws of motion, the principle of moments, and many other formulas. I tackled a few practice papers, and yes, I feel so much better about my abilities to do physics papers. (fite me Vulpes_Darksider, we'll see whose marks are better at the end of the year) (though I'll probably lose) (my scores for my previous papers were shit i can't guarantee a good score tbh)

2. Chemistry - what a not-so-surprise. Chemistry is the only science I've been scoring well in out of the three so far, and I'm confident I can score well for the EYAs too. Though maybe I need to continue drilling the rules of solubility and compound structures into my mind if I really want to get myself as near to the full mark point as possible.

3. Geography!! I love writing essays, defining and dissecting the essay question, and regurgitating everything I've learnt onto that fresh sheet of school examination foolscap paper. Even though upper secondary geog is now all about the drier part, human geography (unlike lower sec, where we got to learn about volcanoes and plate tectonics and river formations), it's still really interesting, because it really directly applies to our world today. And when I say directly, I mean directly. Just. Plop. There it is.

4. English :D This year's finals will be about comprehension, and if there's something I love more than writing essays, it's filling in the blanks for comprehension questions. My analysing skills are far better than my reflexes and wit (that's why I can't ace interview questions man), so comprehension will be a breeze. I hope. Writing summaries would require lots of analysis and I dearly pray that the teachers won't be too cruel on us.

Subjects I'm semi-confident of scoring in:

1. Inquiry and Advocacy. This subject's EYA will test our ability to write arguments in standard form (complex arguments, here we come) and also throw a whole essay question in your face asking you about the validity of the argument the author makes. I can be 99.9999999% sure that the exam will be about meritocracy. I can also be 100% sure that I will blank out at the essay part after writing the argument in standard form.

2. Chinese. What a pain. There's two parts to this exam: email-essay writing and comprehension. The first paper will slap us in the face with questions to choose from for email, and another set to choose from for essay. Basically, we gotta write an email/blog post (how lame) and an essay about a topic (we choose from two provided). All in Chinese. It's doable, we've all done it for practice tons of times, but I can't be sure that my writing would be good or that I can stick to the topic. As for comprehension, just, no. I don't even want to think about the nightmare standard questions they'll ask.

3. Biology. Not a big surprise. There's just too much to memorise for the entire paper. We've got to remember cell organelle functions, ways in which systems exhibit homeostasis (like the goddamn skin and eyes and lungs and kidneys and holy shit even the pancreas), biomolecules, proteins and enzymes (heat denatures the protein and forces the active site of the enzyme out of shape, blah blah, it can't catalyse reactions anymore, blah blah), stages of the Calvin cycle in photosynthesis (ugh I hate nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide phosphate and ribulose bisphosphate carboxylase) and finally, the whole cycle of respiration (please no more Krebs cycle and oxidative carboxylation). Look, I just listed the entire syllabus there. That's why I'm not sure about this subject.

Subjects I'm confident of causing disappointment with:

1. Math. Ha, not a surprise at all. To be honest, I've been able to cope with all the topics up till logarithms and the sine and cosine rules. That's way better than in the middle of the year, where I didn't know how the hell to input ln and use the change of base formula or sketch the graph for any cubic functions. But anything pertaining to trigonometry 2 will have to scram because no, I don't understand graphs or how to solve those goddamn equations, get the hell away from me. So yes, it's kind of obvious who'll probably fail Math this time.

2. PE. I've been doing okay in rugby so far, and my friends and teachers all say I'm a good player, but ha ha, wait till you see me during the assessment. The moment I know it's an exam, I become this dead stone who can't tag and tackle for shit. This always happens during other PE modules, like rock climbing and badminton last year, where I climbed up to the second last panel and fell short of excellent by a few points, and where I completely flubbed my smashes and drops and immediately lost to my opponent. Oh, and don't forget softball, where I tried to bat towards the left and ended up missing the ball altogether 3 times in a row.

So that's all the updates for now, hope the intrusive thoughts will stay out for these few days, and thanks for reading all the way here holy shit you just completed nearly 1700 words. Here's a gift:

What you see here are: A cute Zwei, an adorable Maki, and a sweet Lucario. Again, thank you for reading, and have a nice day/night!!