MAY 03, 2017 - RENATUS

          It had been several weeks since I first talked to Gabriel, the guy who saved me and broke his arm in the process. I was still talking to him every now and then since he wouldn’t stop calling me every day. He also texted me whenever he could and updated me with whatever he was doing. Sometimes, I didn’t know what to say or reply to him anymore, but the thought of someone enjoying my company is refreshing. It was as if I was reborn as another person, like I was another Dionne Vargas. A Dionne who had a true friend. A Dionne who was happy to wake up every day.

          My mom was also happy that I got a friend from that tragedy or accident or whatever you would like to call it. She said that there was always a rainbow after the rain and I got my rainbow from that disaster. My rainbow was supposedly Gabriel, but I couldn’t believe that. Well, not until these past few days. He had been doing things to make me feel special. He always visited me just to talk to me. It was a little weird at first, but it made me feel happy. My mom was so nervous the first time Gabriel visited me. She secretly took pictures of Gabriel and saved it on her laptop just in case he’s a criminal. After weeks of visiting and just hanging out, my mother became comfortable with him. He was actually a very nice man. It was nice to make a friend in times of distress.

          “Since we’re really close now, would you care if I asked you things?” He carefully asked with measuring eyes. He seemed afraid to step on a landmine.

          “What kind of things?” I returned the question.

          He shrugged, “You know, things about you?”

          “Ask away.”

          “Well, um, could you tell me why you decided to kill yourself? I mean, you have a wonderful life. Your mom is very caring and you aren’t financially unstable. You seem to be intelligent too,”

          I closed my eyes for a second, thinking of what I was about to say. There were hundreds of reasons why I did it, but I just couldn’t seem to make the words for it. It was just so hard to explain things that you didn’t want to talk about.

          “Lots of things; like school, people, and whatsoever,” I answered.

          “You really don’t like to talk about it, do you?” He asked again. Why did he keep asking questions anyway? It wasn’t like he’d get a proper answer from me. He knew that I was too stubborn to actually say anything.

          “Obviously,” I said, while rolling my eyes at him. He giggled. “Giggling is so gay, Gabby.”

          “Oh please, Dionne. Stop changing the subject. We’re talking about you and not me being gay, because I’m not,”

          “I’m not changing the subject,”

          “Yes, you are. Stop being so stubborn,”

          “I’m not,”

          “This conversation is futile,”

          “It’s a good thing you know,”

          He stopped talking. He stopped eating his donut. He just looked at me. No, it was more like staring at me. It was a cue saying he was serious and that I needed to be serious too.

          “It was about my friends, I guess?” I said, not so sure about what just came out of my mouth. Was it about my friends? Maybe. I was not so sure whether I really have friends, because ever since the incident, nobody called me to ask if I was okay. Only Gabriel did that. For sure, everyone knew that that was me on the news. I was on the news for two weeks, for Pete’s sake!

          “Your friends?” He double checked.

          “No, duh!” I sarcastically answered.

          He grinned at me then took the phone from my hand. “Tell me who your friends are,” He commanded.

          “And I’ll tell you who you are?” I added.

          “Dionne! I’m not joking,” He replied with more conviction. “Tell me the first name that comes in your mind.”

          “Lia,” I answered without hesitation.

          Lia. A name I won’t ever forget. I made that nickname for her and she loved it. We were the best of friends, but things that I wouldn’t have imagined happened. Things went out of hand and before I knew it, we acted like we weren’t friends from the beginning.

          “Call her,” Again, he commanded.

          “Why?” I yelled. Why should I call her? He knew very well that my friends were the reason I tried to kill myself and now he wanted me to call her?

          “Just do it,”

          And I did. I didn’t know what happened to me, but I just did. It wasn’t about his persuasiveness. I wasn’t afraid of him either. Maybe, I just wanted to talk to her.

          It took quite some time for her to take the phone. “Hello?” She asked with a shaky voice. My body stiffened and my muscles became rigid.

          “Lia…” I managed to murmur. All of a sudden, my tongue was tied and there were no words forming in my mind. It was blank and everything looked bleak. Before I could even stutter again, Lia talked.

          “H-how are you, Dionne? I saw the news on T.V. Are you all right?” Lia asked with a different tone unlike how she said hello. Her voice sounded happy and amused now but just a little while ago, it was indifferent.

          I know. She was always indifferent towards me. Ever since the day when she had her own clique, she forgot about our friendship. We used to talk a lot and share things together. She always told me her secrets and I was glad to be her keeper. Most people said that we can be compared to conjoined twins. We were inseparable, but things were different now.

          “I am,” I briefly answered. There was a moment of silence. It was awkward, but then I saw Gabriel mouthing some words. ‘Tell her what you really feel.’

          Tell her? How could I tell her that she hurt me? How could I tell her that I want things to be the same as how it was back then?

          “Dionne…” Lia softly called. Her voice was always soft and calming. It always had that soothing effect on me. When I grazed my knee before, just hearing her to tell me that it’s going to be alright calms me.

          “I miss you, Lia. I miss you so much,” I sobbed while tightly holding my phone, “I miss everything, but did you know that you’re one of the reasons why I wanted to die?”

          There was a slight pause on the line. I heard her gasp. Gabriel went to me and patted me.

          “You knew, didn’t you? You knew that I wanted to commit suicide, but you just brushed it off. You didn’t want to get involved, but I get it. It just hurts to see that you knew, but you left me alone. Is it because you’re afraid? Or is it because you didn’t want to be called as the best friend of the suicidal girl? Is it so hard to try and encourage me to live? Is it so hard to stay with me during those times when I needed you the most? It’s not, isn’t it?”

          “I didn’t want to leave you Dio—“She answered but I cut her off.

          “You didn’t?” I puffed an angry sigh, “Don’t lie to me. You had hundreds of chances to prove that you wanted to help me, but you didn’t! Remember the time when our teacher asked us to group ourselves into three? I asked you if we could be group mates, but you acted like you didn’t hear me. You grouped with Sofia but you were only two. I went to the teacher since I didn’t have anyone to group with me then our teacher asked you two if I can join you. You said that you’re already a group of three if you include the absentee.”

          “But—“

          “Did you know how much that hurt me? That you thought of an absentee rather than your best friend? But I let you off that time, Lia, and I shouldn’t have. Do you remember when the girls made pranks on people who didn’t talk much? They decided to prank me. No, I meant, you decided to prank me. Instead of telling them to stop, you even suggested that you do the prank on me. Didn’t you even think of what I feel? You scarred me, Lia,”

          This time, Lia isn’t silent anymore. All I could hear is her loud wailing. “I’m sorry, Dionne! I’m so sorry. I didn’t know! If only I knew…”

          “If only you knew?” I furiously asked, “You know very well about what I felt! I told you to stop it, but you didn’t believe. You even called me a spoilsport.”

          “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” She apologized. She didn’t stop apologizing even though I stopped talking anymore.

“I love you, Lia!” I was crying hard. I told her it was okay and that I have forgiven her. Later that day, she went to our house and apologized again. We cried ‘til morning.