"No, absolutely not."

Those words are no surprise to me as I watch my husband pace our bedroom while I lay back on the bed. He was laying too; that is, until I told him what I am going to do.

"Aya, you can't jump from chunin to ANBU captain just like that. To think that Lord Fifth would even consider-"

I cut him off with a tinge of anger, but try to keep myself together—for his sake. "Anata, please, we both know I'm not chunin! I was in ANBU for eleven years before Hiruzen reassigned us. And I was thriving, too."

He knows it as much as I do, which is why he lets out a breath, which resembles more of a huff than anything, before speaking up again. This time, his words are slow and carefully thought out. His voice is soft, like he's struggling to say it as much as I am to understand it. "Yes, and that's the problem."

I cross my arms and furrow my brows to ensure Kakashi sees my frustration and my refusal to give up. He's kept me locked up long enough. He can't protect me forever. I need to thrive; to feel the rush again. "How is thriving a problem? Are you seriously so stuck up that you can't let your wife do something she loves because you're afraid she'll get hurt? C'mon, Kakashi. I can take care of myself."

He lets out a sort of half-huff, half-grunt and sits down on the edge of the bed with his back to me. I guess I should have expected this sort of reaction from him. Still, it frustrates me to no end. I'm his wife, not his child. I don't need a babysitter.

He throws his head into his hands after pulling his hitai-ate off and tossing it to the floor. For a few minutes we just sit in silence, neither of us acknowledging the other. Eventually he removes his face from his hands but keeps facing the wall. He won't even look at me right now.

I expect him to be angry but he's soft spoken. It's almost like I've suddenly prodded a soft spot. I've cracked open a wall he's been trying so desperately to keep up.

"ANBU Captaincy isn't all it's talked up to be. You aren't only responsible for executing A-rank and S-rank missions—you are responsible for every single life. The lives of your team and the lives of the opponents. You make all the hard decisions, Aya. Decisions that sometimes mean killing innocents in order to complete the mission. Decisions of life or death... quite frankly, decisions no person should ever be subjected to," he sounds tired, but not the type from physical exhaustion. There's something in his voice that I've heard only once before, when he told me about his regrets, that day we went to the graveyards. The day I was mourning my aborted child and he told me about his ex-comrades and the pain he feels every day for their losses.

I can see that his former captaincy still weighs on him and I know he's just trying to protect me from that burden. But I'm not like him—I never will be. He's been through more than anyone and he deals with things different than others, so I can understand why he might assume captaincy will be too much for me.

I scoot to the edge of the bed and try to get him to look at me but he continues staring straight at the wall, face a blank. It's impressive how normal he can force himself to look while all these emotions are whirring inside. If he weren't my husband and if we hadn't spent so much time together, I'd never notice these hidden feelings. To anyone else's eyes, he's just the cold-blooded Kakashi Hatake. They don't realize the deep hurt this man still carries all these years later.

But I can see it. I can see it clearer than day. It's the way his eyebrows furrow by the slightest millimeter and his lips form the tiniest of frowns. The way his tired eyes look miraculously more tired than usual, his pupils are small and he's in a world of thought. It's not very often he lets his guard down to enter this state while he's in public. Kakashi Hatake is two very different men when he's in public versus alone.

Still staring blankly at the wall, the hurting man speaks quietly, "It will weigh on you, and you will have to remain strong. You can't afford to break or pause and think about it for even a moment. Decisions will happen faster than you can blink. You might make the wrong one—no, you will make the wrong choice sometimes. Then you'll carry those choices with you forever. They'll never leave you... a horrible thing, regret. That's what you're getting yourself into. It's no joyride."

I see the pain in this blank-faced man's heart through the hurt in his words. I can feel his regret emanating. And I wish more than anything in the world right now, even more than I wish to join ANBU, that I could take away his pain; lift it off his shoulders and destroy it; make him light again. But years of heartache and pain mold to one like metal, and follow them to their grave. I've seen it happen with so many. For some unfortunate ones, it brought them to their grave earlier than their time. Uchiha Shisui. Uchiha Itachi, in a way. And now, Sasuke in his own sense; leaving the village like he did was a death sentence. Rogue ninja aren't easily forgiven.

It's the last thought that it finally hits me. Realization dawns upon me like never before. It manifests itself in my body, by the thick pain I feel in my chest and the sickness pinging in my stomach. My head goes haywire, thoughts spinning like a whirlpool.

"Sasuke," I barely manage to whisper.

The tears fall down my face and finally Kakashi looks at me. His face is still blank and he says nothing, but by the way his brows soften and lips fall open in the slightest, I know he knows. This exact scenario is what he's trying to warn me of. Life or death decisions. Decisions that haunt one to their grave.

"Sasuke," I say again, unable to voice my full thoughts.

Kakashi has already read my mind because he doesn't question the sudden and strange change of topic. He knows exactly what I'm thinking. In fact, he probably thought it before I ever did. Subtly, he voices my thoughts for me in a way far less abrupt.

"As a captain, you'd be leading assassination missions. Sometimes, you'll be sent on rogue assassinations-"

"-our village's rogues are first on the assassination list," I finish for him. My voice surprisingly doesn't stagger when I say the dreadful words. Though, the thought of assassinating my own pupil makes me feel sick to my stomach. I lean over and clutch my stomach but the swelling need to vomit is soothed as strong arms wrap around me. He runs his fingers through my hair as I breathe into his chest, trying to clear this dreadful thought from my mind.

"You don't have to take the position. You could join ANBU as a member of a specialized team. Maybe see about an infiltration or security team."

"My background is hand-to-hand, Kakashi. Assassination."

We both know it, but neither of us really wants to admit it. I spent eleven years on Team Ro, the team responsible for most assassinations.

"I have leeway with Lord Fifth and ANBU. I can get her to put you into whatever unit you wish."

"I won't play the system like that, Kakashi. The village needs everyone working at their highest capabilities, I can't be an exception just because my husband is a former ANBU captain. That's a one-way ticket to being despised by just about everyone."

I remain in his embrace for a few minutes more before we both mutually pull away. His hand rests comfortably on my thigh, a weight keeping me grounded.

A switch turns on in me and I sit up straight. It takes Kakashi by surprise and he takes my hands in his. This time, I'm the unreadable one. He searches my face for any sign of what I'm thinking, but I know he's left hanging.

"Have you decided?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"I can't let my emotions rule me. If I'm going to be a good captain, I need to think like one. I need to set aside my personal biases and complete the mission, even if it hurts." I say these words with the strength and determination required of an ANBU captain, but deep down, the fear still radiates. However slim the chance is that I personally will be tasked with assassinating Sasuke, my ex-pupil, I know it's still a possibility in the near or far future. There's no telling what the future holds. The only thing that holds true is my dedication to this village. 

Some concern fills his eye but he remains silent. He knows there's no changing my mind. He knows this is my decision, no matter how much he wishes is wasn't. And I think a part of him knows I'm strong and can handle this role with excellence.

It's a decision I feel I need to make. One that might haunt me, yes, but one that is my duty. The village is short on shinobi and everyone needs to work at their absolute limits—I am no exception.

I just pray that Sasuke is hiding somewhere he can never be found, both for his sake and mine.

* * *

I stare at the handle of the door to the ANBU headquarters for a while before finally deciding to open it. It feels strange coming back here after all this time. It also feels a bit nostalgic. It almost feels like yesterday I was reaching for this handle after what would have been my last ANBU mission, before the Cold-Captain appeared in front of me for our summon to the Hokage Tower, where Hiruzen released us both of our duties and made us sensei.

Strange how things change over time. I never thought I'd ever come back here. I was sure my days in the ANBU were done for good. Now here I am, reporting back as a captain.

As I enter, I notice a few things have changed. Mainly the walls. They're coated in a new color of paint, a beige instead of the cold navy blue. It makes these once dreary hallways seem infinitely more inviting. Crazy what a simple paint job can do.

As I make my way towards reception and intake, I almost subconsciously turn into Team Ro's old locker room. There've been many changes to the ANBU since Lord Fifth came in, including the removal of team names. Locker rooms are instead labeled by numbers, and each team has a specialty. You train with your team but all missions are not necessarily completed with the same team every time. Sometimes teams will combine and join forces, or pull members from other teams, depending on the needs of the mission.

The new system makes sense, though it'll definitely take some getting used to.

I approach the reception room which hasn't changed one bit since my time here. The walls are still dark and grody looking and bars still encompass the reception desk, making it look more like a prison than a secret organization's headquarters.

"Hello," I say curtly as I approach the desk. A figure rolls his chair out of the shadows and his face is just barely visible under the dim lights.

"Ehh, Ayame-San! Long time no see!"

I feel bad for not remembering the dude's name but I recognize him so I smile kindly in response. He's worked this reception desk since even before I was an ANBU. I remember him as the one who was always biting his fingernails.

"It's been a while. Good to see you," I bluff. "I'm reporting for duty again, assuming you have me on file. I'll need a captain's cloak but I still have all my old gear."

He ruffles through a large stack of papers before handing me a file. "Sign here, and here, initial here, make sure to read here, and here..." he points absently to each spot and I frantically skim, placing my signature or initials where's needed. It's all a formality, signing my life away, signing away the right to sue, signing away my husband or family's right to press charges should I ever die on duty or commit suicide, blah blah... typical Black Op stuff.

Finally, he hands me the cloak, an off-white one instead of black this time since captains wear white, and motions for me to go through for my physical.

It's all routine. They'll check up and document my health, something they require all newbies to complete, and every month following—something all ANBU Black Ops must have done regularly. We also get a psych evaluation, though I've heard rumors that they pass everyone regardless, since nobody's psych is ever the same after joining ANBU. They just don't like to admit it, so it's swept under the rug. That's why so many new ANBU end up permanently traumatized or commit suicide—the system doesn't care if their mind is affected. As long as they're getting the job done, they'll receive a passing mark every time.

I remember at my psych evaluations, the doctor would almost always compliment my outstanding mental stability. I went numb to the harder things, like anyone would, but I remained optimistic with the things that really mattered. They always told me most other ANBU seemed to go numb to all the good things too, and complimented me for my ability to categorize.

"Thank you," I say to the kind medic who performs my physical. She directs me into a different room where I take a seat on a plush chair and wait for the psych doctor.

All goes well. It's a standardized list of questions and he doesn't even bother to look up from his checkboard while asking them. I get a pass and he signs the paper, instructing me to return it to reception.

I do just that and the guy from earlier, after ripping a nail off with his teeth, directs me to room 5. He says my team would be waiting there to meet me.

"That's not intimidating at all," I mutter. The guy behind the desk snuffs, handing me a booklet containing copies of everyone's files.

He speaks low, keeping his voice down and scanning the room for any listeners. It's just us but he still speaks just above a whisper, "From what I heard, their ex-captain was a bit of a hot-headed jerk. I'm sure you'll have their respect, Ayame-San."

"Thanks," I mutter, giving him a soft smile before taking my leave.

When I get to locker room 5, I don't hesitate. Whatever's waiting for me in there isn't going to change by hesitating outside the door. As an ANBU captain, I need to face whatever's given to me with confidence. As soon as I enter, conversations hush to murmurs before halting completely. Faces turn my way, some still masked with porcelain animals and others in plain view, tired eyes glaring curiously my way.

"Hello," I say. Embarrassingly, my voice cracks. I promptly clear my throat before continuing. "I'm your new captain. Name's Ayame Sarutobi Hatake, and I'll be known as Captain Hatake from here on out."

"You're Kakashi Hatake's wife," a girl with a rather deep voice and stark black hair mentions as she removes her porcelain cat mask and greets me properly. She takes my hand and shakes it firmly. "Pleased to finally meet you. There's always talk of you around here," she adds.

"Good talk, I hope," I say, rather jokingly as I peer at the others to gage their reactions. Some turn their faces and others remain motionless, glaring uncomfortably in my direction. A bad feeling forms in the pit of my stomach at the tension in the room but I quickly will it away. Get it together, Ayame—Captain Hatake, that is. I decide to say something rather bold, hoping it'll make a good first impression and make them forget about the awkwardness prior, "For anyone doubting me, it's time you stop. I spent eleven years in ANBU on Team Ro, the primary assassination team before the recent changes put in place by Lord Fifth. My uncle was the Third Hokage, and he raised me alongside skilled Jonin, Asuma Sarutobi, whom some of you may know. I became a Chunin at age 13 and Jonin at 15, joining ANBU shortly after my eighteenth birthday. Needless to say, I am more than qualified for this position and you needn't underestimate me."

The self-promotional speech earns me a few strange glances but sure enough, people stop looking at me with judgmental eyes and soon get back to changing out of their uniforms. I walk up to the only vacant locker, the one at the end closest to the door, and open it. The smell hits me instantly and I nearly gag. The odor is like a terrible concoction of body odor and mold.

A voice interrupts me from my thoughts and I turn quickly, closing the nasty locker behind me, "That was the old Captain's locker," the black-haired woman with the low voice says.

"I heard he was a hot-headed jerk," I say, repeating the reception kid's words from earlier.

She lets out a low chuckle before shoving her mask into her locker and slamming it shut.

"That's one way to describe him."

I want to ask what she means, to get all the information I can about this mysterious captain, but refrain for the sake of my reputation. I need to appear strong, both physically and mentally.

So instead of satisfying my itching curiosity, I change the subject. "I hope everyone's familiar with formation Z. I'd like you all in training ground 3 in ten minutes, ready to go. I'd like to gauge everyone's individual and teamwork skills."

Like well conditioned soldiers, nobody questions the captain's orders. They follow command and promptly start changing back into their uniforms. I take mental note of the fact that they all thought this would be a leisure day, a day not requiring ninja tools or proper uniform. I'm a puppy compared to their previous captain.

Like old habit, I strip down and change into my old ANBU uniform. Nobody bats an eye or questions this action. Men and women have no shame here, especially those in the same section. Our minds are not easily wavered when we know we're on duty. That's one of the necessary skills of the ANBU, putting personal feelings aside and focusing solely on the mission. Lust has no place in the ANBU locker room.

Everyone else has already left and proceeded to the training ground. I take a deep breath, adjusting the mental arm shields, familiar, yet not used to their weight once again. It's strange to think I wore these all the time back in the day and was never bothered by the heaviness. I know I'll get used to it once again, but in this moment, I shake my arms out and familiarize myself with what it feels like to move my arms in all directions with this added weight.

"You know they make lighter ones now," a voice echoes from behind a bank of lockers. I immediately stop shaking my arms around, realizing I must look like a flailing child. I'd thought I was alone. The figure belonging to the voice steps out and into view and there's a pang of recognition, I just don't know where from. "Ones made of lighter engineered metals, not the heavy iron you used in your time."

Pfft, my time. He says it as if I'm an ancient being from a different world entirely.

"Yeah, well, I like what they used in my time," I comeback, trying to sound smart but miserably failing. "Plus, the weight increases my momentum if I make a swing."

"It also tires you out faster, which means you're overall less proficient. Stamina," he says, tightening his high pony. His black hair is thick, but held tightly in place by an elastic band. His words sound both carelessly and carefully calculated. In fact, his every step seems calculated. The way he carries himself is just one big calculation. And then it finally comes to me.

"You're a Nara," I say, proud of myself for figuring it out with little to go on.

He nods and places his hand on the back of his neck in a stance all to similar to others from the Nara clan. "Izuko. I'm from the Black Ops intelligence section, but I've been told to pass a message to you."

I'm closing my locker and just getting ready to go meet my team in training ground 3 when Izuko Nara tells me the Commander has called a meeting with all captains in ten minutes. Sighing, I thank Izuko and make my way to the training ground, already dreading telling my team they got ready for nothing. What a terrible way to start off my captaincy.

"You're late, Captain Hatake."

Even though I told them to call me that, it still sounds strange to my ears. Not just the Hatake part, the Captain too. It's all still so strange. All my life I've just been Sarutobi, and I've just been a regular recruit. Suddenly, I'm Captain Hatake. Thankfully, Kakashi was never called that in his time. That would be hella confusing. During our ANBU days, we were much less formal with our captain; or maybe that was just with Kakashi. We always just called him Captain Kakashi, Kakashi-Senpai or, behind his back, the Cold Captain. Formalities were not his thing.

"Maa, well, I've got a bit of a setback," I consider apologizing before deciding not to be so guppy. With my shoulders back and chin up I say, "We'll do this tomorrow at dawn."

I receive no grunts or sighs in response, amazingly enough. Some leave promptly, all-too eager to be anywhere but here. A few stay behind to chat with fellow members before walking off. The black haired girl with the deep voice is the last to leave.

"I'm Kaori by the way," she says as she skillfully slides her knives and ninja tools into the pouches hidden all over her uniform. "I specialize in weapons, but that's pretty obvious," she states with a light huff as she points to all the hidden pouches on her uniform. I smile but feel strange, like I don't know what to say. Do I open up or not? I knew becoming a captain would mean learning their skills but do I have to bond with them in a deeper sense? These are questions I'm sure Kakashi will grudgingly answer tonight. He's still a bit salty that I took the position even after his warnings.

I want to be a good captain. I want everyone to like me. I want them to trust me, to know they can put their lives in my hands, and that I'm capable of making tough decisions on their behalf. Decisions that could be the difference between life or death, sacrifice or detriment. I guess some extent of a bond is required for that level of trust, regardless of my position.

"I'm also hand-to-hand specialized, though I use some jutsu. My go-to is typically my knuckle blades." Brief but informative. Not too sappy yet showing I care.

I'm just about to turn and head to my meeting, which if I don't go fast I'll most definitely be late for, when Kaori speaks up again. She stops me in my tracks.

"Oy, Hatake, lighten up. I know you have a lot riding on first impressions but be yourself. That's the best thing you can do for this team. Transparency."

She's right. I can't gain anyone's trust unless I'm transparent with them. I'm not some overriding authority figure who's making all the decisions. I'm the beacon of information, yes, and I make the final calls, but it's the team that decides life or death. Missions require teamwork. How could I forget that? That's the one philosophy Kakashi was always drilling into our heads on Team Ro. Teamwork, teamwork, teamwork. We're all comrades. Don't let a comrade die, ever. No mission or success is ever worth a comrade's life.

"Thanks Kaori. I know, I'm overthinking everything. I just," I pause for a moment, considering my next words and whether to say them or not. Again, worrying I might appear weak. I have to remind myself of what Kaori just told me--transparency. "I want to do this right."

"I know," she adds. "And you will. You'll get the hang of it, so long as your aim isn't perfection. Nobody is perfect, not even ANBU captains. We all make mistakes every once in a while."

Kakashi made that very clear to me when he tried to convince me not to take this position, and here I am, already having forgotten it. I need to do better.

Her voice is so deep and raspy compared to the kind, wise words she's giving me right now. I know better than anyone that looks can be deceiving. My own husband is one of those looks one way but acts another types too. In the same way Kakashi looks lazy and tired all the time but is actually hard-working and efficient, this seemingly dark girl named Kaori is a bright ball of wisdom and encouragement.

With that I give her a curt nod and we both go our separate ways. I, to my meeting with the Commander and other captains. Her, to wherever a strange girl like that goes in her off time. Things like that I may never know, but I'll bond in different ways with my section. Ways which I have yet to learn.

It seems I have a lot of things to learn.