"I'm sorry I can't stay longer this time. Missions are in high demand," my husband says as he slides his jonin vest over his shoulders. I remain curled under the covers, shifting only to get a view of the clock. 5 in the morning. Like clockwork, Kakashi leaves after just one short night home for yet another mission.

And I can't exactly be mad at him. After Orochimaru's unexpected invasion, nothing has been the same in the village. We lost many good shinobi that day, including the Third Hokage himself. The Fifth can only do so much to heal this broken village. Healing takes time, even for the Master Healer herself. Parents are choosing to hold their genin back until things settle down because high mission demand means genin are being sent on more C- and sometimes B-ranked missions. Everyone is operating at levels above their own. Chunin are being sent on A-ranked missions and jonin on more S-ranked. ANBU are almost never in the village because they are assisting those shinobi with their difficult missions.

If not for my mother, I'd be commissioned to join the ANBU again. Kakashi is glad for it. He claims he never wants to see me in the ANBU again, says he can't be there to protect me if I were in danger. I reply to that with a subtle push, "I'm strong enough to handle missions on my own, thank you."

"I know," he says softly, planting a kiss on my forehead before pulling the covers back up around me.

"How long this time?" I pout, watching as he stands in the door frame. Every time I watch him leave like this, I have to mentally prepare myself that it may be the last. I know Kakashi is one of the strongest shinobi in the village and S-ranked missions are routine for him, but that terrible gut feeling still tugs every time I watch him go.

"Three weeks," he answers, as he absentmindedly checks all his pouches for their designated tools and scrolls. Another routine he does without thinking. "I might be home sooner if I get some ANBU help, but I'm not betting on that. The ANBU are too busy helping those Chunin who are being sent on missions far beyond their capabilities."

I look at the clock once more, mentally marking exactly what time Kakashi leaves. I know it's dumb but if it were his last time leaving, if something were to go wrong on his mission, I'd want to know exactly when I last saw my husband. It's a strange type of comfort.

"Don't do anything stupid," I remark.

"Not when I have you to come home to," he echoes with a smirk. "See you soon."

And with that, he is gone.

Check the clock. 5:04am. I roll over and sleep overtakes me once more.

* * *

I'm awoken by a familiar, routine sound. My mother coughing horribly in the bathroom. She says she has bad morning phlegm. For only a moment, I'm glad I didn't have to grow up with her. Sleep would've been hard to come by if this was my morning wake up call all my life.

When I'm finally startled enough by the horrid sound (it makes me want to gag, hearing someone hack and cough like that), I roll out of bed and slide one of Kakashi's large shirts on over my undergarments.

"Ma?" I call as I make my way to the washroom to check if she's okay. She steps out of the washroom and the dizzy look in her eyes takes me by surprise. "Mom, you don't look so well."

"I think I've caught a bug," she mutters as she stumbles before catching the door frame. I take her by the arm and lead her back into the guest bedroom where she's been staying.

"You should get some rest, Ma. I'll go get you a cold cloth, okay?" I help her lay down and make sure the pillows are set well behind her head before heading to the washroom to grab a cold cloth.

When I see myself in the mirror, I almost jump. My hair is amiss and I look like a glob in Kakashi's T-shirt. How Kakashi still loves me is a bewilderment I may never get over. I run the tap, allowing the water to get nice and cold, while I grab a cloth. The last one, I notice, and make a mental note to do the laundry. In fact, I should really give this apartment a good cleaning. I don't want anyone else getting sick with this bug.

After I place the cloth on my mother's head and ensure she's comfortable, I decide to get to work. Starting with the kitchen, then moving to the living area. Next the bedroom, and after ensuring the bed is well-made and all the clothes are in the laundry hamper, I head to the bathroom. As I'm emptying out the trash can in the bathroom, I notice something strange. I see red. I'm not on my period, so this is strange. Did Kakashi cut himself shaving?

When I take a closer look, I notice chunky red globs on a cloth buried in the trash can. The hell?

"Ma," I whisper, opening her door to see her fast asleep. I get to her bedside and lightly tap her awake. "Ma, I need to talk to you."

Her eyes flutter open and she looks up at me tiredly.

"What's with the blood on the cloth in the bathroom trash?"

I can see her expression drop even more than it already was and she looks away, avoiding my eye.

"Just from my coughing fit this morning, it's nothing to worry about though, I assure you."

"Mom, coughing up blood is not normal." She looks at me with a strange look and I sit on the edge of the bed, sighing. "How long has this been going on for? We should probably get you in to see a doctor."

"No," she counters swiftly. "No doctors. They'll only tell me the same thing."

"What do you mean?" I ask, concern filling my features. She pulls the cold cloth off her forehead and sits up as she clears her throat.

"This is why I didn't want to come back with you, but you were so insistent. I feel like a terrible mother."

"Mom, what's going on?"

She takes my hand in hers and whispers, "I'm sick, Ayame. I have been for a long time. Two and a half years ago, the doctor told me I had six months to live."

You know when time sort of freezes and nothing feels real? When you're only vaguely aware of your surroundings and your subconscious seems to be doing everything for you, while you just look on through a small window of your soul with absolutely no control of your actions.

My jaw hangs open as I gape at my mother. She doesn't look even a bit shaken. It's clear she's come to terms with this information. Me, on the other hand...

"When the fuck were you planning to tell me this? On your deathbed?" I stand up because every muscle in my body feels tight right now. Like I'm being pulled, tugged and prodded in every direction all at once.

She answers with a calm I could never hope to achieve right now, "Honey, I've been on my deathbed for two and a half years."

A strange noise escapes the back of my throat and I feel like I might collapse.

Here I've been thinking about the great future I'll have with my mom, building our relationship and eventually setting her up in my old apartment, the one I purchased when I was 18. Here I've been talking to her about all the stories she's told me about her and Hiruzen, their strange relationship and jealously of one another, and how she, the sister of the Third Hokage, will get to tell those stories to her grandchildren some day.

Here I've been...

"Don't look at me like that," Akaya mutters, taking my hand. But I take it back. I feel cold. Every inch of my body is frozen and cold, refusing to accept any sort of warmth. "I didn't want my final days to be spent with my adult daughter caring for me like a dying person. I'm sick of all the pity."

"No," I mutter. "You're not allowed to decide that. You're not allowed to lie to me like that. That's all you've ever done is lie to me. You've never been there for me. And when you finally are, you lie more and I have to find out you're leaving me again!"

I turn around but for some reason, I can't find the courage to leave the room. So for a while, I just stand with my back turned to her, arms crossed. Strangely enough, despite all the anger I feel, I also feel deeply saddened. And I feel like I owe my ill mother a certain amount of grace, despite all she's done to me. My heart really is in a tug of war with itself right now.

Finally, words find their way to my lips again. This time, they're soft. So soft I fear I might just break when I say the words, "I'm sorry."

That's all I can manage before I quickly leave the room, closing the door behind me. As soon as I get into the hallway, I collapse. I finally break.

I'll grant my mother her wish and not show pity, but I never promised I wouldn't still hurt. That promise would be impossible. I'm all-too familiar with hurt and the practice I've had at hiding my hurt from others will come in handy these next few months.

* * *

Kakashi returns from his mission. I don't tell him everything that's happened at first, because I want him to feel welcomed home and not bombarded with all these problems the moment he steps through the door.

"Welcome back, dear."

He plants a soft kiss on my forehead before pulling me into his chest. He smells of forests and fire and sweat but I take in every part of him nonetheless. The last few weeks have been hell without him. Constant tension between my mother and I, secret cries when she's not looking, breakdowns in the shower, cleaning like a robot to keep myself busy and distracted from my all-encompassing thoughts.

"I'm glad to be back. I'm back for a week, Lady Tsunade wants me in the village to do some training with the new ANBU recruits, since all the active captains are on duty or out on missions."

The thought of him staying here, with me, for a whole week fills me with a joy I haven't felt since our honeymoon. I love this man so much and everything seems possible with him; even dealing with my lying, dying mother.

I decide I'll tell him about it tonight, once he's had a few hours to settle in.

"What would you like for dinner? I can cook you something."

Kakashi pulls out of the hug and looks down at me with a relieved sigh. "Oh how I've missed you," he says. "Anything you'd like. Will your mother be joining us?"

"Mm, not tonight. She's not feeling well," I say, telling the truth but not the whole truth. Kakashi can always tell when I'm lying so a half-truth is the best I can do.

He nods before sliding his vest off and unraveling his headband, leaving both to hang on the back of the door. "A date for two, then."

"Mhm," I say, managing the best smile I can. He seems too tired to take notice of my bluff and heads immediately to the shower. Meanwhile, I get started on dinner.

As we eat, we make small-talk. He tells me about his mission, the scrolls he managed to steal and about the ANBU from the Land of Stone that he ran into.

"You took them all down on your own? God, my husband is a genius."

He hides his blush well, putting his face down and focusing on his food then trying to change the subject.

"They didn't seem very experienced, anyways. Not compared to the ANBU I'm used to sparring with. I guess the Leaf does have some things going for it. Our ANBU are a force to be reckoned with."

We eat in comfortable silence for a couple minutes before he speaks up again.

"Did you hear from Naruto?"

"Hm, no I didn't. Did you?"

Kakashi nods, giving a soft smile in the process. "He's working some more on the rasengan with Jiraiya. Apparently he's putting his own spin on it. Training seems to be going well."

"That's good," I answer, allowing myself a moment to think about my yellow-haired pupil. "He's not our pupil anymore, is he?"

"Hm, maybe not. They're growing up fast. Sakura is training directly under Lady Tsunade. Lord Fifth says she has a real good chance of being a great medical nin."

"I never doubted her," I say, finishing the last few bites on my plate and getting up to wash it in the sink behind me.

"Mm, those three were always surprising us with their progress, weren't they?" He pauses, scratching his chin as if he wants to say something. "I wonder how Sasuke is."

I stop scrubbing the plate and stand vacant for a moment. Truth is, I think about him every day. No doubt he's training under Orochimaru by now. Where did we go wrong?

"It's a bit strange isn't it? All three of our pupils are each training under one of the Sannin."

"I wish Sasuke wasn't training under that snake though," I hiss.

Kakashi gets up and offers to take over washing the dishes but I shrug him off, taking his plate and cutlery from him before he can argue.

After dinner, we watch a movie. I snuggle up to Kakashi and he puts his arm around me as we stare quietly at the screen. At one point, I steal the remote and turn the volume down.

"I'm not sure how much more I can take of this," I say. This earns me a classic furrowed eyebrow glance and Kakashi shifts so he can look at me.

"Of what?"

"My mom, living with us like this. I was planning to ask her to move into my old apartment, but then..." I trail off, fiddling nervously with my fingers before he takes the remote and pauses the movie entirely. Silence emanates in the room for a bit.

"Then what?"

I answer quietly, in case she's listening, "She's sick, anata. She's coughing up blood and her time is close."

Kakashi goes pale, like he's just seen a ghost. "What are you talking about? How long have you known this?"

"I found out a few weeks ago, after you left on your last mission. I found a bloody cloth in the bathroom garbage."

"Oh," he replies, turning to stare at the paused television screen. I sigh and lay my head on his chest.

"Just when I was starting to get to know her, she's leaving me again."

Kakashi doesn't speak. He just pulls me closer to him and holds me tight. His deep breaths calm me, and hearing his heartbeat in his chest has always been a comfort of mine.

We've been through so much in the last couple years that we're numb. Well, Kakashi's always been numb, I guess. He's dealt with more heartache and suffering than I ever will and always seems to deal with loss well. That or he's really good at hiding the pain. Maybe he himself doesn't even know how much things hurt him anymore. I can understand that; I've been feeling that way myself lately. Like I know how much something should hurt but just don't feel the burden the same way I used to.

Sort of like a numbness that slowly overtakes the more things hurt. Like how adrenaline kicks in when there's a major injury and somehow a paper cut manages to hurt more than a broken leg.

The body is a strange thing, and the same thing could be said about the mind. I remember seeing mind-numbing take effect in various ANBU recruits. Kakashi himself fell prey to it. Itachi. Shisui. I won't even get into detail about the countless newbie recruits we used to get, who'd commit suicide after just a few months in the dark.

A troublesome organization, the ANBU is. Though Konoha would be nowhere without them.

Strangely enough, I sort of miss it right now. The constant rush. The purpose. The duty and fulfillment. The strict formations and mind-numbing missions.

"Kakashi," I mutter.

"Hm?"

"Theoretically, what would you say if I wanted to go back to full-time service?"

He lets out a breath and shifts a bit into the couch cushions, "Service?"

"Yeah, like take on full-time ninja duties again. Like I did before my depression and all the shit that happened..."

He answers quietly, though I can still hear the hesitation in his voice. "You don't want to wait until things calm down? Every ninja in the village is working way above their level... I'm surprised Lady Fifth hasn't created some kind of conscription program for capable shinobi who are dormant like yourself. Though I'll admit I'm glad she hasn't."

I sigh at his sad attempt to change the subject and shift so I'm looking him dead in the eyes. "I'm serious, Kakashi. I want to get back to work. I think I was happier when I was working."

This much is true, and Kakashi knows it, even if he might never admit it. I can see the way his eye softens, the way he trails into thought, no doubt thinking of my happier days in ANBU. Months would go by when I'd always have a smile on my face.

"I don't want you joining the ANBU, but I guess taking on some Jonin missions couldn't hurt..."

A big smile stretches across my lips and I rest my head on his chest again, allowing his warmth to envelop me. He holds me tight, like he might lose me at any moment.

"I know you're afraid of losing me but you need to lighten up. I can't sit in this apartment forever. I need to work again—to feel the chakra running through my veins. Do you know how long it's been since I've even wielded my knuckle blades?"

He shakes his head, watching me with slightly furrowed brows. His silver hair falls over his forehead, framing his face perfectly.

"Exactly. I don't either."

At this, he pushes me up so we're sitting and draws me into a long hug, his chin atop my head.

"I love you, Ayame Sarutobi Hatake. I'll support you, whatever decisions you make. I'll support you forever."

I'm not going to cry. I won't. But it is oh-so tempting.

He plants a warm kiss on my forehead and I pull back to kiss him on the lips. His hand softly strokes my cheek as we hold each other, lips in perfect sync.

When we finally pull away, I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his, whispering, "Forever is a long time."

"Thank the heavens for that. I would love you until the end of time if the universe allowed it."