~ KAKASHI ~

I feel like I've finally gotten through to her in over two months, but it's like I'm holding water in the palm of my hands and it just keeps slipping through my fingers. I don't want her to slip away. If she does, I feel I might just die. She holds me together, though she may not realize, and I would be nothing without her.

As I carry the tired, hurting girl back to her apartment, I sort through my thoughts.

I know that it's not my child. Never once did Aya and I sleep together, in that sense. Not even close. The only explanation that makes even a bit of sense is one that makes me want to curse and punch through a wall, but I know I need to remain calm.

I carry her home and get her to bed and she falls asleep quickly. After ensuring she's well asleep, I leave and head quickly to my own apartment. When I slide the key into the lock, I find myself fumbling. My mind is going everywhere at once and I feel like I might implode.

It has to be his. There is no other explanation.

And suddenly, dishearteningly, it all makes sense. The distance. The secrecy. The resistance to get close to me these last couple of months.

"I can never forgive myself," she'd told me. Did it have a double meaning? At first, I'd assumed she was just talking about the abortion.

At long last, the door clicks open and I step inside.

I should have known. The signs were all there. She always acted strange whenever I brought up Raven, and always tried to change the topic of the conversation. And she got defensive when I asked if she still loved him.

After grabbing some water and a nutrition bar, I decide to take a walk to try and clear my head. I can't think straight in this crammed apartment.

The streets are quiet and I can hear owls in the distance, hoo-ing their night songs. On any other night, I'd be appreciative of this tiny detail. But tonight, I can't seem to find any peace. My mind is going haywire.

What the hell is a man supposed to do in this situation? The woman I love is pregnant with the child of her ex, whom she was in love with once again and slept with behind my back.

I can't keep the sigh from escaping my lips as I run a shaking hand through my thick mop of hair and stare up into the star-speckled sky. Even all these years later, my first instinct is to talk to my father or Minato-Sensei, but neither of them is around anymore and I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this sort of thing.

So, I continue to walk as I try and sort through my thoughts and feelings.

One thing that is prominent above the rest is that I love her, however much it may hurt right now. It hurts to love someone who slept with someone else, yes. But it hurts more thinking that I might lose her.

Does she love me too? Is she hurting because she knows what she's done? How will I ever know if she really does love me back?

A totally bizarre thought pops into my head and I shake it away, scoffing at myself for even thinking of it as an option. This would literally be the worst possible time for something like that. It's just ridiculous.

Well, ridiculous but strangely makes sense. Doing it would settle things between us and prove whether she really does love me or not. Then, maybe we can both be free of this mental burden.

Yes. I'll ask her to marry me.

Baka, I tell myself, shaking my head out. What the hell are you thinking?

However...

Whatever answer she gives will reveal the true state of her heart. If she says yes, I will know for sure that she loves me and I can forgive her for messing up. We all mess up, and I won't let this ruin what we had. If she says no, I can move on knowing the truth and she can move on too, and live how she wants. I won't stop her from being with Raven if that's what she truly wants. I want her to be happy, even if it means heartbreak for me. I can't afford to be selfish right now, not when Ayame's well-being is in the question.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I don't even notice the tightly-dressed green man as I walk past him. He watches me as I pass and eventually gets fed-up and leaps in front of me. It shocks me a little when he appears so suddenly in front of me and I sigh when I realize who it is.

"Gai," I mutter, taking a step back because he's way too close for comfort.

"KaKAShhiii!" he exclaims, doing some twirls and ending with a large thumbs up. "How are you on this fine, youthful evening?" I wince when he does one of his glaringly white toothy smiles.

"Uh," I grumble, "Fine, I guess... What are you-"

"THERE IS NO TIME FOR YOUTH LIKE THE PRESENT, KAKASHI! You were going to ask what I am doing out so late at night, huh? Well, listen closely, because Might Gai is about to tell you something that will leave you amazed!"

I grimace when he hits me on the shoulder, almost toppling me over, before he gets into some kind of fighting stance. I'm grateful there is nobody else around because the scene that's unraveling is hardly usual and would most definitely draw attention. And public attention is just about my least favorite thing.

While showing off some of his taijutsu moves, he lectures about the 'springtime of youth' and how there is no better time than the present. Then he says things like, "There's nothing like pushing your body to the absolute limits!" and, "The body thrives under pressure and exhaustion, I tell you! It's like a kind of superpower!"

After he concludes his little performance, I throw my hands up in mock-defense and laugh awkwardly, "You went through all that to tell me you're pulling an all-nighter...?" I say blandly.

Gai nods curtly and winks, "Of course, Kakashi, because the-"

"-springtime of youth is here," I finish his sentence for him. "Yes, I understand."

Gai really is quite the guy. If he were a little more normal, I might consider asking him for advice about Ayame but I'm almost positive his advise would be over-the-top like everything else he does.

"Tell me," he muddles as he swings his arm over my shoulders. I grimace a little under the sudden weight. "What is on your mind, my friend?"

Sighing, I pull him off of me. "Is it really that obvious?"

My bushy-browed friend turns serious for a change and speaks like a regular human being for once, "We've been rivals for many years, Kakashi. I can tell when something's off."

"Maa, I guess I'll have to work more on my poker face then, huh?"

Gai grins before shoving me lightly on the shoulder. "I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks, Gai." I say, truly glad for a friend like him. "Good seeing you, Gai, but I have to get going."

"Rrrriiiiigghttt!" he says, jumping into a hand-stand and walking on his hands in the opposite direction. I let my face fall into my palm as I continue to walk, sighing in relief when Gai is finally out of sight and I can return to my thoughts.

* * *

"You're planning to do what?" The Hokage gapes, glaring at me like I have two heads. "You two have been together for how long? This is the first I'm even hearing that you and Ayame are involved, let alone that you want to marry her."

I laugh awkwardly with a closed eye smile and a hand behind my head as I stand before the Third Hokage. He is her uncle and practically like her father, so I figured I should ask his permission first. I guess I should have expected a reaction like this, considering the circumstances.

"Kakashi, you know how much I respect you. I would be pleased for you to marry my niece," he pauses, taking a puff of his pipe with furrowed eyebrows. "But is now really the right time? She's still in recovery from her depression."

That's right, I think for a moment. Hiruzen does not know about Ayame and Raven, or her pregnancy. He only thinks she is experiencing another low, like the one she experienced when she first found out about her father.

I guess even Asuma doesn't know about it. Ayame has asked me to keep it quiet for a while, which is understandable. She doesn't need the added stress of her family obligations right now. Asuma has also agreed to keep the whole 'pregnant at 17 and abortion' thing from Hiruzen, on the promise that Ayame would tell him herself when the time is right.

The family relationships between these three are anything but simple.

I look back up at the Hokage who sits back in his chair and enjoys his pipe before I make my statement. "I love her," I say. "I know it's an odd time to ask her to marry me but I really believe I need to do this."

"Hm," Hiruzen grunts, setting his pipe down and allowing the smell of smoke to fill the room. "I guess you really mean that. It's not very often I hear you talking like that, Kakashi."

I watch him as he closes his eyes in thought for a few more moments. It feels like forever before he finally answers me. It's the longest, most dreadful few seconds I've ever experienced; well, next to the times I watched my comrades die, that is. But this is a different kind of dread. A nervous, anxious kind of excitement mixed with a tinge of dread. A recipe for fear. What would I do if he said no? Would I still ask her because she's old enough to make her own decisions and doesn't get along with her Uncle anyways? Or would I give it up and walk away. That would ruin her, I know. And I can't do that. I won't. 

"Alright," he finally agrees. "Welcome to the family."

After letting go of an anxious breath I wasn't aware I was holding, I smirk. "She hasn't said yes yet, Hokage-Sama."

Hiruzen starts laughing which turns into a coughing fit. Through coughs, he exclaims, "I guess you're right! Good luck to you, son."

Those words fill me with a kind of warmth I haven't felt since... the last time anyone called me son. That would have been my father when he was still alive. A small smile finds its way onto my lips as I bow once more before leaving the Hokage's office.

I make my way through the hallways of the tower, greeting everyone I pass with a smile. I can barely contain myself. I just hope she says yes.

For a few minutes, I forget about all the shit going on and only good thoughts flow through my head. Her smile. Her determination. Her passion. Her beauty.

She could be my wife. Mrs. Kakashi Hatake. That thought excites me more than anyone will ever know.

~ AYAME ~

Kakashi has asked me to go for a walk with him, which is strange for him, but I agree to it. Since I told him about the pregnancy, things have been a bit better between us. Though, I am quite surprised and also suspicious that he hasn't asked to talk about it more.

You'd think your boyfriend would have something to say after finding out you're pregnant with another man's baby. I wonder what he's thinking. He has to assume I slept with Raven; I can't see why he would automatically assume I was raped. Besides, if he did consider the latter, I'm sure he would have talked to me about it.

To me, his silence signifies that he thinks I chose to sleep with Raven, which is why I am suspicious of his kindness. Just what the hell is going on inside that masked man's head?

I'd like to tell him I was raped but I'm afraid. Every time I even consider telling him, a terrible sick feeling wells up inside of me. Maybe it's just pregnancy hormones. I can't tell the difference between all the different kinds of sick I've been feeling lately.

I need to tell him when we can sit down and I can break the news slowly to him. I almost wonder if it would break his heart more, finding out I was raped, than just letting him believe I cheated on him.

What a predicament.

I sigh as I pull my shoes on and step out of my apartment and into the fresh, afternoon air.

I meet up with him and neither of us really says much at first. We just walk, enjoying the fresh air and afternoon breeze. Fall is coming, by the changing color of the trees and cool breezes at this hour of the day. I feel a shiver when we walk by the stream in the shade and Kakashi gives me his long coat.

"Thanks," I mutter, wrapping the thin, black fabric tightly around my shoulders. He smiles before looking back at the path ahead of us. "Hey, Kakashi?"

He looks down at me strangely, "Hm?" He's left his shinobi headband at home and his white hair flops down over his eyes, the scarred one of which is held closed, as usual. He wears a simple black undershirt with long sleeves and his cargo pants are wrapped in their usual bandages and holsters.

"What are we doing?"

There's a pause and another breeze comes by. I pull the cloak tighter, wrapping my arms around myself.

"We're doing our best," he replies in a world of thought. 

I furrow my eyebrows as this rather philosophical reply, but keep looking forward as we take slow steps along the river's edge. Maybe this is his way of dealing with the tension.

"Remember that time I pushed you in the lake?" Kakashi states, voice quiet and filled with nostalgia.

"Yeah, I do."

"We were happy," he mutters.

"Yeah, we were."

There's another pause before he stops. We're on the bridge that crosses the river. Kakashi looks around, seeing that there's nobody else nearby, before turning to me and pulling his mask down. For a moment, I think he might be trying to kiss me but he surprises me by lowering himself to the ground, kneeling before me.

"Kakashi, what are you-"

"I love you, Aya," he says softly, cutting me off. As the realization strikes me, I feel my breaths getting heavier. The tears threaten to fall from my eyes. I can't tell if I am happy or sad; maybe a bit of both.

It's difficult to sort out exactly how I'm feeling. Happy that he wants to marry me. Happy that he loves me. Sad that he doesn't know the whole truth. Sad that the 'truth' he thinks he knows is probably hurting him more than anything. All of the above.

He takes my hand, which has fallen limp at my side, and wraps it with both of his as he looks up at me. I've never seen his face, without the mask, while he's showing emotion like this. Most of the time, mask or not, he remains monotonous. Whenever he slips and lets his emotions show, he's always sure to do it with the mask on or distance himself from people.

But right now, he doesn't try to hide. He kneels on the floor of the bridge in front of me, completely open and completely vulnerable, "I know this is really sudden, but it doesn't feel like that to me. I've loved you for years. I want to marry you, Ayame Sarutobi."

There's a pause between us before I pull my hand back. His face drops and fills with dread as I whisper, "I can't marry you."

His eyes don't leave mine but I know he must be in a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions right now. Strangely enough, my mind feels rather blank. My hand finds my abdomen, which is just barely starting to show.

"Why would you want to marry someone like me?" I'm carrying a child that isn't yours, I think to myself.

He knows it. I can see it on his face. I can tell he's been thinking about it for a long time, but perhaps still doesn't quite know how to feel about it. I sigh, sort of frustrated that he's not talking to me about it. He still thinks I cheated on him, and now he's asking me to marry him. Just what is Kakashi thinking?

"Because I love you," he answers, almost desperately, also answering my unspoken thoughts, eyes gleaming with sudden confidence as if the whirlpool of thoughts behind his eyes have settled; as if he's come to terms. "And because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter what."

I can feel the tears now as they drop down my face slowly, one by one. Each tear filled with pain as I hold back. I want to tell him so bad. No, I need to tell him, before this gets more out of hand.

But how does one tell the person they love that they were raped? It's still painful for me to think about, let alone voice to the one asking me to marry him.

I know it will hurt him so much. And I don't want to put that on him. Maybe it is better off allowing him to think I cheated.

This moment is everything I've ever dreamed about. The perfect man, the perfect location, the perfect words. Everything about him is perfect. And I'm not. I'm the embodiment of broken and imperfect. He still doesn't know. I need to tell him, but I'm so afraid of losing him. Afraid of hurting him.

He continues to speak as my mind continues to whirl, "I want to be there for you every step of the way, no matter what happens." His hand takes a hold of both of mine now as he rises from his knee to be face-to-face. He's taller than me, so he dips his head down to be closer. Closer so that he can look me in the eye, show me how much he means this. 

His eyes are the perfect, soft shade of grey and his hair a stark contrast, yet in a strange way, they compliment each other. His skin is soft, I can tell even just by looking at it. And his soft, small lips are pressed firmly, as he awaits my response. I want to kiss him so badly.

He is perfect.

I want to say yes, in this perfect moment. But this isn't a movie. This is real, and so is the unborn child inside of me that shares the DNA of another man. The words escape my lips quietly as I look down and to the side, unable to say them to his face, "Even after finding out I'm pregnant with a child that isn't yours?" This is the first time I've said it out loud to him. We both knew, but never spoke of it until now. It feels even more real, saying it out loud like this.

I know how it  must look to him. Me and Raven. This unborn child. My hesitance to open up to him.

"Yes, Aya," he says slowly, with a calm I could never dream to achieve in a situation like this. His patience never ceases to amaze me. "You know, our problem has never been about Raven or the abortion or any of that. It's always been about communication. I want you to talk to me, no matter what it is. Be open with me. There's nothing you could say that would push me away from you. The only thing that could put distance between us is lack of communication, so please, just talk to me..." 

His next words are quiet but sure, and they hit me so hard my breath catches in my lungs and I bite the inside of my lip, drawing blood. They send a flood of emotions throughout my entire being. It hurts, hearing the words come off his tongue with kindness, even though I know they hurt him. I know it must be eating away at him. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes as he says, "...Even if you slept with Raven a hundred times, there's nothing you could do that could make me stop loving you."

There's silence. He glares into my eyes and I dare to look back, knowing full-well I will break when I do. But when my eyes meet his, and see the love and not the disappointment, I break in a different way. A good way. The wall separating us seems to shatter and I feel closer to this man than I've ever felt to anyone in my entire life.

When I look into his eyes, I see love. Love so strong, no conflict could ever break it. I see passion. Passion pushing him on, despite our troubled circumstances. My future. A future filled with hope and security and companionship.

As I look into his eyes, I want to cry but can't—no tears seem to come. The only thing left between us are the words pushing at my tongue, trying to get out.

There is no perfect time, no perfect moment. What needs to be said is pushing, wanting—no, needing—so desperately to get out. I break the silence with delicacy, letting the words come out in what is barely a whisper. The words sound fragile, broken; they sound imperfect and ruined, just like how I feel. "I was raped, Kakashi."

There's another moment of silence as our eyes remain locked on each other's. It feels like we are the only two people in the world right now. He doesn't move and his expression still hasn't changed.

Then, a single tear falls from his lone grey eye. And then another, slipping through the scarred eye too, until his cheeks are wet and his jaw is hanging just slightly open.

I've never seen Kakashi cry. Before this moment, I didn't think he was capable of it. Eventually, I reach up and take his frozen face in my hand, wiping the tears. With the other hand, I gently grab his shoulder, pulling him down to the ground in a sitting position. We lean against the side of the bridge and his face remains the same. I can hear his low, deep breaths escaping through his soft lips. The tears continue to fall as he stares forward into a void of nothing, just like his expression. 

But he doesn't need a facial expression for me to know exactly how he's feeling. It's evident in every quiet breath. The subtle wrinkles between his brows that only I would ever notice, because of how well I know his face. Wrinkles from the slightest furrow. I can feel his pain in every tear that slips down his perfect face—every assumption he'd made, every moment he spent coming to terms with the love of his life cheating on him, every minute he spent convincing himself to love me in spite of it all.

When all this time, I was never the one in the wrong. Not once did I even so much as think about betraying this perfect, silver-haired man.

This time, I take him into my chest and rest my head atop his. Once I do this, I feel and hear him start to sob, though muffled into my chest and the black coat he lent me just a few minutes ago. It's a sound I never thought could escape the cold-captain's throat. Though, I guess there were many things I didn't know about this man back then. And I'm sure there are many things I have yet to learn.

~ KAKASHI ~

I let myself go. I've never done this in front of anyone before, not even my own father—with the exception of his lifeless body.

I cry over what happened to her, yes. But I also cry for ever assuming she'd cheated on me. I should have known. I should have been there for her... but I wasn't. I was too busy basking in my own jealousy and frustration and ended up completely oblivious, unable to read the blatant signs.

I don't deserve her, not one bit. I don't deserve any sympathy from her after what I let her go through alone. How could I be so blind? How could I let her struggle like this for so long and never take notice?

"Yes, I'll marry you," she whispers.

~ AYAME ~

Kakashi continues to sob into my chest. I can't even begin to imagine what is going on in his head right now. I'm not sure he really hears me but I say it nonetheless, "Yes, I'll marry you."

I lean my head back against the side of the bridge and look up into the clear, blue sky. Not a cloud or bird in sight. Kakashi and I are the only ones in the world right now.

Eventually, he manages to calm down but remains in my embrace. Until now, Kakashi was always the one comforting me. It feels good to return the favor.

I could hold him like this forever. He is my light in the dark. He's what keeps me grounded. He keeps me in sync.