TRIGGER WARNING: Hello lovely readers. The following chapter contains depictions of rape. I would like to mention that I understand the severity of the topic and how sensitive it can be for some. In addressing rape in this story, I hope to bring awareness and understanding to the topic. In no way do I wish to take it lightly.

I did a lot of thinking if I should include it or not, debating if I am truly qualified to write about it. I do not wish to do an injustice by writing without personal experience. I have come to the conclusion that, though I may not have personal experience, I can still help to bring awareness.

That being said, I wanted to warn you in case you are sensitive to the topic. Please know that my inbox is open to anyone who is struggling or wishes to talk.

* * *

~ AYAME ~

We meet the next afternoon. It's still tense between us but we've both had time to compose ourselves. I understand why Kakashi is upset, but it still baffles me why he'd come to my door in the middle of the night just to tell me he met my ex.

We eat without saying a word. Our booth is in a secluded section of the restaurant so Kakashi is able to pull his mask down and eat too.

Finally, he talks. His voice is cold. It reminds me vaguely of the voice he used to used on ANBU missions⁠—he's all business. I'm sure this is his way of dealing with his feelings. He doesn't seem the type to easily show emotion. Last night must have been a struggle for him.

"Why did you hesitate when I mentioned Raven? Did you really intend on keeping it from me?"

"You appeared in the middle of the night, Kakashi. I had no idea what was going on. How was I supposed to know you'd met him in the prison and Interrogation ward? I had no time to think of how to tell you. That's not the type of thing people just blurt at each other," I try to explain calmly, but a smidgen of bitterness and frustration edges in my voice. Now Kakashi is the one avoiding my eyes.

It's nearly impossible to know exactly what Kakashi is thinking. Even without the mask, he manages to maintain a monotonous expression.

"You still have feelings for him."

"Wh-what? Of course not!" I jump, nearly right out of my seat. I've lost my appetite and place my chopsticks down. "Why the hell would you think that?"

But he doesn't respond. He just stares down at his food, also unable to finish it. I hate this tension between us. To make matters worse, he doesn't know about the pregnancy and abortion and I don't want to tell him yet because I know it will just make things worse than they are already. I have to wait for the right time.

This, right here, is why I didn't want to fall in love again. But it's too late now. Kakashi is my everything, even when he refuses to look at me like this. We just need to get through this.

"Look at me."

He doesn't. He is skillful in avoiding my gaze.

"Look at me, damn it!" My hand slams on the table and lips form an umbrella shape as I try not to cry. "I don't love Raven. I love you, Kakashi. Why would I lie to you about that?"

When his eye meets mine, I flinch. It's a look I've never seen from him before. He's angry. It makes me feel so small. I shrink down into the booth and now I'm the one trying to avoid his gaze.

That's all this is, back and forth. Push and pull. It feels like the relationship we'd formed up until now is the rope between us, and we're both slowly ripping it apart. I fear it might break; if it does, I know my heart will too.

* * *

I sit alone on a cliff overlooking the village. My hair blows a little in the breeze, tickling the skin on my cheek. It occasionally sticks there, held in place by the tears continuing to fall silently from my eyes, and I have to pull it back, wiping my face in the process. It's pointless; I'll repeat it soon with fresh tears and stuck hair again.

Maybe I should just be honest with him and tell him about the pregnancy and abortion. I plan on telling him eventually, right? When our relationship had gone on? Honestly, I hadn't given it much thought. I'd done a really good job of blocking it out of my own memory before Raven's return.

It hurts me. More than Kakashi will ever understand, I think. So even if I tell him, there will always be that lack of understanding. He can't truly understand why I'd mourn an aborted child, when I can't even understand why I got the abortion in the first place.

Raven's voice comes clear into my mind again, "We were too young."

It's true. We were very young. But my mom had me young and I grew up fine. It was hard at times, but I managed to make myself into something strong because of that struggle. After everything, I'm glad my mom didn't abort me, even if she did leave after my birth.

My child would have been the age of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. Maybe my child would have been friends with one of them. Maybe my child would have been on a team with one of them.

Another tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. There's no reason for me to be mourning something that doesn't even exist. This just goes to show how easily my mind wanders and I manage to overthink things.

Despite my will to stop thinking about the topic, my hand still finds my empty abdomen and I hold it for just a moment—one moment where I allow myself to mourn, ignoring the pushing thoughts that I shouldn't be. In this single moment, I allow myself to feel whatever the hell my body wants to feel.

The grief overtakes me in a second and I bend over on my knees, struggling to breathe between weeps. I clench my lower lip between my teeth and taste the salty, bitter taste of blood a few seconds later. My hand still clenches my abdomen as images of the genin bickering, training, smiling, and laughing play in my mind's eye.

~ KAKASHI ~

I was harsh on her. I didn't mean to be. I've never been in a situation like this before.

As I walk the village, I keep my head down in hopes nobody approaches me. My hands rest in my pockets but I fumble with my fingers, unable to keep still.

I reacted the way I did because I love her. If I didn't love her, it wouldn't bother me that she loves another. It's because of that deep love I have for her that I got so angry. Maybe I was more angry at myself, for not realizing it before now. I should have read the signs. She never wanted to open up to me. That fling in the Land of Waves was just that—a fling and nothing more.

I realize that Ayame must be feeling confused. He returned here after 12 years. Maybe she had gotten over him and the fling we had was the start of something real. I want to be sensitive to her feelings but I just don't know how.

I sigh, realizing the conundrum I've gotten myself into. Realistically, I'd like nothing more than to let her go. I want her to be happy. I want her to love who she wants to love.

But I'm selfish and jealous, and I want her for myself. Just the thought of that black-haired man in this village sets me on edge, even if he is behind bars.

In the end, though, I want the best for her. I want her to be happy. I can't stand to see her struggling. It's hard for me to approach her in the given situation, but I need her to know I'm here for her, even if it's just as a friend and nothing more. That's how I truly feel. That's how I know that I really do love her.

~ AYAME ~

There's a knock on my door and I sigh as I look at the clock. It's nearly midnight. I'm really not in the mood for one of Kakashi's middle-of-the-night mental crises again. The breath hitches in my lungs when I open the door and it's not Kakashi standing there.

"R-Raven, what are you doing here?"

I stop talking, flabbergasted, when Raven pushes past me and welcomes himself into my apartment. He takes in the room, eyes pausing for a short moment when he spots my single bed in the corner of the room. Then they flick back to me and I scrunch my nose up, confused.

"I thought you were being kept in containment-"

He cuts me off quickly, seemingly on edge, "I told them I was in the village to visit my parents at the KIA Stone because they didn't buy it that I was here to get you back. They let me out with ANBU escorts. The escorts left me at the village gates and saw me off. But I couldn't just leave. I-I'm sorry for asking you to get an abortion. It wasn't my place. It was your choice. I shouldn't have had a say-"

"Stop," I say, frustration clear in my voice. "Stop, Raven. I won't ever look at you the same."

"Give me one more chance, Ay. Please, hear me out! I can't leave you. I can't ever forget about you. You're always on my mind. Always, since that day I left. You're everything to me. You're," he seems to lose his train of thought. I notice his eyes trail to my lips as he inhales heavily through his mouth. "I dream about you all the time," he breathes. A strange feeling forms in my gut and I take a step back, but I step into the table in the process. My hands find the wooden surface behind me and I steady myself. "What we had was real," he says, getting closer with small, slow steps and heavy breaths.

"Yes," I admit, turning my head because I can smell his breath now. "But I ended it a long time ago. Raven, I don't feel that way about you anymore..."

He's really starting to creep me out now. He's so close I can smell him. He smells like the musky basement of the interrogation and prison ward that he's spent the last many weeks in.

"I think you should go," I say, planting my palms on his chest and pushing him away. His eyes don't leave my lips and I hustle him to the door, eager to close and lock it.

He's about a foot taller than me. I could probably take him out right now. Perform some tactic learned in ANBU and get him in a hold on the ground. I don't opt for that option immediately, trying to get him out of my apartment first before trying anything drastic.

"Ay," he whispers, barely audible. "One chance." His golden eyes are pleading, I can tell he's on his last straw.

"No, Raven. We're done for good. We were done 12 years ago."

I'm about to close the door when something in his eyes changes. He goes cold. The look suits his sunken, pale face very well. I'm eagerly pushing the door shut, getting ready to lock it when suddenly I'm pushed back forcefully. The door swings open with a crash and bounces back, closing behind him. He's undergone a complete change. I barely recognize the man standing before me by the strained, strange look in his eyes. I make my way to the kitchen drawer for a knife, since my kunai and knuckle blades are in my pouch behind the door, but he's quicker.

I feel the force of him pushing me back against the wall and he pins my hands above my head. I yank them, trying to get free, but he's a lot stronger than he looks. Even with my ANBU training, this man is stronger than me.

So I use my foot and kick him hard in the knee, which gives me enough time to get free of his grasp and rush to my pouch. I fumble for a kunai and cut myself on its sharp blade in the process.

I don't have time to be bothered by the pain. He's really, truly angry and there's a look of desperation in his eyes. I avoid him now, not quite allowing him to grab hold of me, and I make a swing for his shoulder when I see an opening. We're knocking things over. I hear a vase fall off the mantle behind me in the living area as I swing backwards and avoid his attempt to grab me.

Though he's not using any jutsu on me, I can tell that he has been training. His taijutsu skills and strength have improved tenfold since I last fought with him when we were kids. I wouldn't hesitate to say he's got the taijutsu skills of an ANBU, or maybe even higher. If he had weapons and was actually trying to kill me, he might just have the upper hand.

It's this overthinking that caused me to slip. I curse when I trip over the coffee table and fall hard onto my back. I get up quickly but wince when I feel a sharp pain in the back of my arm. I didn't see the injection and assumed he was simply trying to grab me, so I didn't think to evade it. I can feel my muscles instantly grow weaker. I fall but he catches me.

"Rav-Raven," I say weakly, my eyelids dropping a little as the room starts to spin.

"Don't struggle anymore, it's okay my dear. I've got you," I don't have the energy to speak back. Whatever drug was in that injection has taken immediate effect and has made me extremely weak. I can barely move even my fingers. My limbs all feel like heavy weights chained to my body.

I'm only vaguely aware. I'm lifted and placed onto my bed. I start to cry as I realize what is happening but the drug makes it hard for me to talk. I feel like I don't even have the energy to open my jaw. He starts at my neck with his lips and teeth as his hands run freely over my weak body.

"S-stop- it," I barely manage through a mouth that doesn't want to open. "Stop-"

But he doesn't stop. The clothes covering my bottom half are off and thrown to the floor, and I can't do anything about it. I can't move. I can barely even talk. The drug is strong. I can only feel the tears as they stream down my cheeks and his hands as they claim my body against my will.

He takes me completely, finishing quickly and leaving me paralyzed on the bed.

With one last glance at my limp body, he leaves the apartment without a single word and the door slams shut behind him.

~ THIRD PERSON ~

After an unknown amount of time⁠—Ayame is unable to conceptualize time in this state⁠—feeling starts to return to her body, starting with her fingers and growing slowly up her limbs. When she can finally just barely move, she pushes herself up into a sitting position and pulls her bare and bruised legs into her chest.

She is in a state of complete shock. No thoughts run through her head clearly, instead it's a jumbled mess of nothing and everything all at once. It's deafening and she barely hears the door when it's knocked on.

They knock again. She's vaguely aware of a familiar voice from outside the door.

"Ayame, please let me in. I want to apologize to you." Ayame hears the voice but can't bring herself to move. "I'm sorry, I know it's the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep. I've spent the whole day thinking about how I acted. It was unfair of me to treat you like that."

She pulls her legs closer to her chest, shivering in the cold. She grabs a blanket and pulls it over her legs, hiding her exposure.

"Look, I get it. You still had feelings for him. It's not my place to decide how you feel."

He knocks again before clattering with the lock. Using his lock-picking skills, he manages to get the door open and steps inside. He's about to speak again when he spots her, curled up on the bed, head in her knees.

"Ayame..." he mutters, voice full of emotion. "What's wrong?" He hates seeing her in this state. He approaches her slowly, unsure how to go about this. They've been fighting, so he's not sure if she really wants him here right now.

She notices the pants and underwear which lie in a ball in the corner of the room. She wonders if he's noticed. He doesn't look over there, surely if he did he would have said something. She can't talk. She can only cry. This is when Kakashi notices her pink-stained cheeks. She's been crying, he thinks.

"Talk to me," he says softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. Ayame doesn't move. She sits still, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs under the blanket.

Kakashi decides to give her some time to collect herself. He wonders how long she's been crying for. Now he really feels like an idiot. This is all my fault, he thinks. I shouldn't have gotten angry at her.

Somehow, by some strange miracle or phenomenon, Ayame finds her voice. Or her voice finds her. The worlds flow out as if it were a track and she simply hit play, "I got an abortion. When I was 17. It was Raven's. He told me we were too young and I believed him so I got an abortion and forgot about it. I thought I would just move on with my life. And I did. He left too, so I managed to focus on ANBU and push it all out of my memory.

"Then he returned. That was why Hiruzen summoned me. Raven was asking for me and refused to talk to anyone else. He confessed that he'd loved me all this time... He came to my apartment tonight," at this, Kakashi flinches. Ayame stares forward, at the pants on the ground, but Kakashi still hasn't noticed. "He asked me for another chance. I told him I don't feel that way about him. That I'll never feel that way about him again." She struggles to suppress her sniffles as tears fall freely from her brown eyes. She doesn't mention what Raven did to her and Kakashi doesn't notice the pants on the floor. "I just want it all to be over."

Some relief washes over her, though she can barely feel relieved in the current situation. Nevertheless, it felt good to get some of it off her chest. She catches one glance of Kakashi's eye, hoping he doesn't react poorly. She really did just throw everything at him. So much for telling him when the time was right, she thinks. The current timing is about the worst it could be.

Kakashi is angry at himself for ever assuming Ayame would be disloyal to him but has no time to think about that right now. All he sees is the pain in her eyes and he wants to comfort her and help her through it. He'll save the apologies for later.

He scoots closer to her, wrapping her in strong arms and letting her head fall against his chest. Perhaps this is the best apology he can give her at the moment.

"Where is he now?" Kakashi mutters after a while.

"He's gone," she whispers. Her voice is muffled into Kakashi's chest. He can feel the fabric of his shirt getting wet with tears and snot. He doesn't care. He wants to hold her tight forever, tell her everything will be okay.

"Then it's over... isn't it?"

Ayame's hand travels to her abdomen as she remembers the child she aborted 12 years ago, and how it will haunt her as long as she lives. Kakashi continues to hold her tight, running his fingers through her scalp and down to the ends of her soft, brown locks.

"No," she answers. "No, it won't ever be over."