Until now, I'd managed to push all memories of Raven out of my head, focusing instead on progressing in the ANBU and as a shinobi. After reaching my goal of becoming an ANBU and getting my own place—and moving out of Hiruzen's—my focus became body-mind synchronization because if I allowed my thoughts to run wild and that horrible gut feeling to return, the memories would inevitably return as well.

Now they come back, full-force, as I stare through the one-way glass at the golden-eyed boy.

Why has he come back after all these years?

My fingers tremble as I reach for the door handle.

"If at any point you wish to leave, you may. You are under no professional obligation to speak to him," Ibiki says, pushing the door open for me because it seems I've lost the strength to do it myself.

It creaks in a horrible way as it opens and I step through. All sound inside of the dark room seems muffled and strange. The boy at the spotlit table still stares straight ahead, as if he hasn't noticed me.

I take one tentative step towards the table when the door behind me suddenly slams shut, making me jump slightly, and I'm left utterly alone. I know I can leave at any time but for some reason, my feet carry me forward; just like they carried me back to this interrogation ward, even after I swore to Hiruzen that I wanted nothing to do with this boy and Raven could go to hell.

One step after another. Every step closer to him makes my insides twist worse than the last. Still, he acts like he hasn't noticed me. It seems.

"So you finally came," he says, eyes still locked on the mirror. I'm sure now that he is in fact looking at me, just through the reflection. He's looking at the back of my head and it bothers me that he won't look straight at me.

The first thing I notice is his voice. It's changed since I last heard him—it's deeper. If not for those distinctly unique eyes of his, I would not recognize this man. All remnants of childhood are long gone, evident of his sharp jaw line and strong, protruding cheekbones.

I approach the very edge of the table now, looking down on him and blocking his view of himself in the mirror. My face remains void of emotion—a handy skill I worked on during my time in ANBU but was never really able to execute. Strange that it works now of all times.

"I'm here because I want to be, not because you asked me," I say with an equally monotone voice. Is this how Kakashi feels all the time? He's a lot better at this 'bored and monotonous' thing than me.

"I see you're just as stubborn as you used to be," he says, deciding to mirror my fake monotone himself.

"The person I used to be does not exist anymore. I willed her out of my memory long ago."

Raven snickers under his breath which makes me tense. I grab the cold, metal chair in front of me but don't sit down. I won't stoop to his level. Not ever.

"So that's what you've been telling yourself all these years," he mutters, still refusing to look at me. His eyes, despite being the same unique color as they've always been, have lost their glow. I realize now that his protruding cheekbones are not actually a result of a strong jaw but sunken cheeks. Upon closer inspection, he looks entirely drained—as if the life and energy were sucked right out of him.

"And what have you been doing?" I force myself to ask. I don't give a damn what he's been up to, in all honesty. I just want him to go away. But for that, we need to get him to speak. The village will not let intruders off the hook without a formidable reason.

"So you do care-"

"No," I cut him off with a tinge of aggression. He doesn't flinch, his face still void of expression, but doesn't continue speaking either. He allows me to talk without interruption. "No. I don't give a damn about you, but I do care that a shinobi who disappeared from this village long ago is suddenly returning. What is a rogue like you doing back here? What is your intent?"

For a while, he doesn't answer. He just sits in the bright light and continues to stare straight ahead at my torso while seemingly staring at nothing.

Then, his eyes move. They trail slowly... up, up... and suddenly our eyes are locked, for the first time in 12 years. A pitiful sensation forms in my stomach.

I remain unmoving, my lips a tight line and eyes void of emotion—at least, I hope. I can't afford to show weakness. I won't throw away the synchronicity I've worked so hard to achieve; I won't succumb to my old feelings.

He speaks low and slow, as if each word is carefully meditated and practiced, "I came to tell you that I regret my decision. I've regretted leaving you for 12 years. I think about you every day— every day, it hurts me more and more. I spiraled, Ay. Since that day I left you, I've been a wreck. I'm here today to ask you to give me a second chance."

POUND. A hit straight to the gut. At least, it feels that way. Still, I stare straight into his eyes and show no interest.

"You had your chance, 12 years ago."

"And I chose wrong," he's starting to crack, I can see it in his eyes—the emotion that threatens to push through his facade. "I was wrong."

"Wrong about what?"

"About everything."

"Wrong about the baby too?"

The room goes silent. I know Ibiki and others are probably listening but I don't care anymore. Tell the whole world that I got pregnant and had an abortion when I was 17. Nothing seems like it could possibly be as dreadful as this moment, right here.

Raven whispers but his voice travels well in this small, stone-walled room, "We were too young." The words barely make it off his tongue. I can hear the hurt in his voice.

That hurt reflects in my own voice as I respond, "I'm a teacher now. A sensei. You know, our child would have been the same age as the kids I'm in charge of." I pause for a moment, contemplating my next words. They come out strained but I know I have to say them, "My mother had me when she was 17. My father told her to get an abortion. She could have chosen to abort me, but she didn't. She stood up for herself and didn't listen to him. And now I'm alive because of that."

"Ayame-"

"What if she'd listened to my father and aborted, Raven?" I throw his name in at the end so he can hear the hurt in my voice. I don't care to hide it anymore.

Raven goes silent. He doesn't have anything else to say to me. At this, I turn swiftly and head to the door. Before I open it, though, I say one last thing. "You know as well as I do what villages do with their rogue ninjas." And it's just like that night 12 years ago, except the roles are flipped. "Goodbye, Raven."

I don't look back.

* * *

A few weeks pass and I manage to avoid the Interrogation ward, though Hiruzen keeps me updated. They're keeping him locked up for now, while they figure out what to do with him.

Certainty, they cannot simply let him go. He was classified as a rogue many years ago. But Hiruzen says they have no basis for execution because they can't find any evidence of disruptions. What the hell was Raven doing for 12 whole years?

Sulking, apparently. I'm still a bit shaken up from his confession. Of course I won't get back together with Raven. That's ridiculous. Besides, I'm with Kakashi now. I've finally started settling down with a genin team and role I'm enjoying, I've met my goal of becoming ANBU and lived that out, and now I'm finally just able to open up romantically again when Raven suddenly shows up.

Damn him. I wish he'd stayed hidden forever. He really does have a way of managing to screw everything up, doesn't he?

Do I tell Kakashi? I feel an obligation to tell him, considering all that's happened between us. But I'm scared of Kakashi finding out because of the whole pregnancy and abortion at 17 thing. How would he react to that? 

And I can never tell him about my regrets. That would kill him. I can already imagine the conversation in my head:

"Kakashi, I regret aborting mine and Raven's child when I was 17."

God, he might think I still have feelings for Raven, and that could ruin us.

I sigh aloud as I walk towards my apartment after some much needed de-stressing at the training grounds. Training really is the best way to get your mind off things, especially when you're alone. I've been working with the genin a lot lately while Kakashi has been off on other missions. It's good, yes, but I don't get much time to train alone anymore. Even target practice intrigues me now.

Sakura is advancing nicely. Her chakra control is better than mine was at her age, I can see her maybe even becoming a medical ninja if she keeps it up—something I was never able to achieve. I only ever managed to heal minor skin wounds like small cuts and burns. But Sakura mastered tree climbing in just days and she's showing steady improvement.

Sasuke and Naruto are both improving at the same rate, which bothers them both but is good for them in the end. It seems like a good rivalry between the two boys, which promotes healthy progress.

I'm proud of my genin for how far they've come in just a couple months. Asuma has mentioned his genin too and it seems the same for him and Kurenai. This year's rookies are a good batch of kids.

"Yo," someone says. I turn and strain to see who it is through the light from the setting sun behind them. Their body is a silhouette and face a void of darkness. When I stop, they move closer and I finally make out their face.

"Tenzo!" He's not dressed in his ANBU attire anymore. "Are you off duty? For real?"

"Mhm," he says and cracks a smile. "Got the night off. There are enough jonin in the village to cover most of the A-ranked missions right now."

"Apparently!" I exclaim, jumping happily at my best friend. "Yeah, Kakashi is on one of those missions right now."

"Senpai?"

I chuckle, hitting Tenzo on the shoulder. "You don't need to call him Senpai, he's not your captain anymore."

Tenzo shrugs, "He'll always be Senpai to me," and we start walking again, side by side. We make small talk, updating each other on unimportant things. He tells me about the new captain of Team Ro and everything that's happened since I left. I feel a certain warmth fill me as I think about the team.

"And how are you doing?" Tenzo asks. "How is the sensei-life?"

"Better than I expected," I say, to which Tenzo raises an eyebrow and smirks. "Whatever," I roll my eyes, "it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I still miss ANBU but this life isn't too bad either."

We walk quietly for a bit, just enjoying the night air.

"And how is Kakashi-Senpai? I haven't seen him for a while."

"He's good," I say. I don't mention anything else. I'd rather not come right out and say it to him directly. Tenzo will find out about Kakashi and me in time. I also want to avoid the topic for right now while I'm trying to figure out the Raven situation.

"Good! Well, it was so good to catch up. I'm guessing you're pretty tired from training," he says, nodding to my worn out training clothing with various rips and stains. "So I'll let you get home."

Tenzo turns to go down a different street, but I stop him.

"Wait," I say, looking at him with pleading eyes. I've missed my best friend, and with everything that's going on, I could really use some Tenzo-time. "You said you have the night off. Let's go for a drink."

After a pause, Tenzo nods. "Alright then."

At the pub, we spot Yugao and Hayate and they eventually come over and join us. The four of us enjoy conversation over drinks and the streets grow quieter as the night comes on.

Before we know it, it's already nearly midnight and we're all happily walking through the streets. The cool air feels nice on my warm cheeks. It's a quiet night considering it's the weekend. We pass a few drunks who are stumbling about giddily.

Just a few months ago, that drunk was me, clinging to the cold-captain's arm for balance. Then we got to my place and...

"We're heading out," Yugao says, arm around Hayate as they head off in the same direction. Tenzo shoots me a look and I raise an eyebrow as we watch the obvious couple head home together. They insist they're just friends but everyone knows that's not true. I feel happy for my ANBU friend.

"So, any women in your life?" I mutter suggestively to Tenzo. He turns red and shakes his head violently.

"No," he says very quickly, trying to hide his flushed cheeks. I smirk and shove him with my shoulder, laughing as we walk. We get to the path by the river that runs through the village and sit on a small hill, overlooking the lit-up village by night.

"Is that so?"

"Mhm," he says, trying to avoid the topic. He changes it by flipping the question on me which makes me jump a little, "Any men in your life?"

I huff and cross my arms, frustrated that he's turned this around on me. I can see him smirk in my peripheral as I avoid his pointed gaze.

"How are you and Kakashi-senpai getting along?"

Now I actually jump, getting to my feet and staring down at Tenzo with a gaping mouth, "H-how did you-"

"It's obvious," Tenzo remarks with a hand gesture. I feel myself turn red and fall back on my butt, staring out across the slowly moving river that reflects the soothing moonlight. "Everyone knew he liked you back in ANBU."

"W-what?"

"Have you guys not talked about this?" Tenzo asks. I shake my head, furrowing my eyebrows to show my confusion. I wait for Tenzo to explain. "He's had eyes for you since that night on the scroll-delivery mission."

The memory plays again in my head as I try to wrap my head around it. It was so long ago, the details are fuzzy. I wasn't even 18 yet. I was pregnant with Raven's child at that point.

The memory forces its way to the front of my mind as the details come into view. The cold-hearted captain saved me from the Mist ANBU that night, set me against a tree and took the enemy down with his chidori.

All the way back then? He's liked me since then?

"That was the night you and I met," I say to Tenzo, remembering how we stayed up on watch on that mission together, talking through the nights while others slept. That was the mission I told Tenzo how badly I wanted to be in the ANBU. "And then you referred me after you heard how much I wanted to join ANBU," I remark nostalgically with a chuckle.

Tenzo goes silent for a few moments and his face becomes a shadow, unreadable. Finally, he speaks, "Actually, I didn't refer you."

I tilt my head, once again confused, as I stare at the brown-haired man looking out upon the moonlit water.

"Kakashi did."

A sharp intake of breath and I start putting the pieces together. Tenzo must have told Kakashi about my wish to join ANBU and requested I join and be on his team. He cared for me even then, when I showed no interest in him.

A few weeks ago on our mission in the Land of Waves, Kakashi told me, "You have no idea how long I've waited for you." 

I really had no idea.

"All this time?" I murmur, thinking of the many years where I called him cold-blooded and detached, and never paid him any mind. Surely it hurt him to love someone who he knew might never love him back.

"He always protected you," Tenzo says, pulling at the grass. It almost sounds like there's a hint of sadness underlying his words. "On missions, he always spared a second to glance in your direction and make sure you were okay."

I feel tears welling in my eyes but push them back, taking a deep breath instead. He's been nothing but good to me, even when I was oblivious to it. For all these years, he's protected me even when I was unaware. For many years, I'd been rude to him, clinging to rumors of his cold-blood and dry personality and never gave him a chance to show me the real him.

And now, even after everything, he accepts me without any regard to the past.

Forgiving. Patient. Loving. Respectful. Caring. Kakashi is everything. I don't deserve him one bit.

For a moment, I consider opening up to Tenzo about my... situation with Raven... but quickly discard that idea. I know Tenzo wouldn't tell anyone but the thought of Tenzo knowing my horrible past puts a bad feeling in my stomach. Tenzo and I have a great friendship and I don't want anything to go in between that. He's the one person I can fall back on when all else fails.

Even if Kakashi and I fail, I know Tenzo will always be there.

I sigh, falling back and looking up at the stars. They're particularly bright tonight and I wonder for a moment if Kakashi is looking at them too.

"Ayame, you know you can always talk to me if something is troubling you," Tenzo says, softness and utmost kindness laced in his words. Of course he can tell something is wrong. Tenzo has always been able to read me.

"Thanks, Tenzo."

He nods, pushing himself to his feet and waving. "I'm gonna head home. I'll see you around," he says before leaving. I watch his back as he walks back towards the village.

Once he's gone, the waterworks come. I sit on the hill and cry into my knees. I don't know exactly what I'm crying about. Everything, I guess. Raven. Kakashi. My past. My future. This goddamn situation that is screwing everything up.

This is why I promised never to fall in love again, I tell myself. Nothing with love ever goes to plan. It's like windy, rocky terrain when I prefer the straight path. Predictability. Stability. One step after another, one foot in front of the other.

Sighing again, I fall into a deep sleep under the stars and dream endlessly. Raven's face. Kakashi's face. My mother, or what I imagine her to look like at least. Hiruzen. Tenzo. Yugao. Asuma. The three tiny genin. 

Life behind an ANBU mask was so much simpler.