Age 19
Ollie Age 18

"I think it's a bad idea, Mur. You're rushing into it. Just let it happen organically." Gemma's voice coaxes through the phone speaker as I walk the salted sidewalks towards Jeremy's apartment complex.

"No. This is what's supposed to happen. We dated, we've been official for six months, he's said he loves me, it's time-."

"But do you love him?" She cuts me off quickly. I have no idea why shes fighting me on this. I called her for some much needed advice so I don't make a fool of myself, not to be talked out of it.

"Of course I do." I force a small laugh and ignore the little voice telling me that it wasn't sure.

How do you know once you're in love anyways? Everyone says 'When you know, you know.' But I don't know if I really believe that. Those emotions just don't work on me, I guess. I'm too practical, too realistic. I'm physically and emotionally attracted to Jeremy and he is everything I want in a boyfriend so this next step in our relationship is what I want to happen.

"I don't think you do. If you did, you wouldn't have planned this weird-as-hell date. Who in the world has their Virginity Card Loss day planned on their calendar?" She argues again.

I stop in my tracks and stuff my cold hand in my sweatshirt pocket, "Why are you argueing me on this, Gem? You didn't love what the heck his name was when you lost yours?"

"Because I know he's not the right guy for you. I know it. And I want your first time to be special. Not like this, not planned out on your calendar like one of your assignments for your classes."

"It's not that big of deal-."

"Well it should be. Have you talked to Ollie? You should call him and get his opinion-."

I can't help but laugh, while my heart stings a little. "Ollie? I haven't talked to Ollie since Cornwall at Christmas and he was...He...I don't know why he was so distant, there is no way I'd call him about this right now."

The truth is Ollie straight out ignored me two months ago when we went to Cornwall for Christmas. At first, I thought the distance was due to his filming schedule, but once I realized his cold-shoulder continued in person, I stopped embarrassing myself and stopped trying to start each and every conversation and stopped following him around.

Clearly, he was too busy for me.

I had thought he would be excited for me, because I'd finally had my first boyfriend and first kiss, but he wouldn't hear any of it.

Ollie's acting career was really starting to kick off, and I was so excited for him, so I didn't want to stress him out with my questions about sex or stuff like that. He had much more important things to focus on. So, I've kept my distance and kept from reaching out with my jovial situation.

"Just call him, Mur. Talk to him, get his opinion. It'll be perfect to get a guys opinion on this, trust me." Gemma urges while I stand in the freezing New york cold. My nose is about to freeze off but it still runs incessantly.

"I'm not calling Ollie." I state and continue walking again, feeling the crunch of the salt on the sidewalk beneath my boots.

"Ugh. Both of you are too damn stubborn." Gemma mumbles but continues quickly, "If you want my opinion, it's going to suck. Especially with boring-ass Jeremy."

"Wow, that's really mean, Gem." I roll my eyes suddenly wishing I never called her in the first place.

I really miss Oliver

Ollie would know what to say. He wouldn't scare me like Gemma's doing right now.

"It's true. I know exactly how it's going to go down. It's probably going to hurt for a while cause God knows Jeremy couldn't find a clit with a flashlight and a map."

"Okay! I'm going to go. Good bye!" I speak loudly into the phone but before I press the disconnect button I hear my sister's voice yell at me to call Ollie.

Stuffing my phone into my overnight bag slung over my shoulder I walk the remainder of the short walk from the parking lot up to Jeremy's apartment complex.

It's a gated apartment building located in the the better part of upstate New York. He lives only twenty minutes from Mom and Dad's place and an hour away from NYU. So, we've been sticking to seeing each other on the weekends. During the week I'm busy with school and studying while he just got hired at Dad's firm. But, despite the busy schedules, we've made it work.

When I reach Jeremy's front door I knock and realize I'm suddenly incredibly nervous.

How bad is this going to hurt? Should I have brought my own sheets? Should I have offered to bring them?

Crap! I don't think I want to do this anymore-

The front door opens and Jeremy gives me a handsome smile, "Hey, babe."

Suddenly, my nerves take a back seat.

"Hi," I exhale and step inside to his clean apartment.

"Have you eaten? I know you didn't want me to order anything, so I made chicken risotto instead." Jeremy shuts the door behind me while I discard my scarf and sweatshirt.

"No, thank you, though."

I step through and enter the kitchen area seeing a bouquet of red roses showcased on the empty counter, "Jeremy." I groan and narrow my eyes back at him.

"I know, I know. But this is a big moment for you.  I know you said no flowers or candles or whatever but this should be special."

I sigh loudly, not sure why he and my sister were making such a big thing out of this.

They are both making me more nervous about doing this, so I'm wanting to get it done that much more now.

My virginity has come down to the band-aid saying: Just rip it off. I don't want to decorate this occasion with flowers or candles or sweet words. I want it done and over with.

"You and Gem need to relax. Honestly." I say rolling my eyes but he lifts a dark brow and pulls me into a sweet embrace.

"I'm worried you are rushing this- don't get me wrong, I really want to do it. But, I love you and I want this to be special for you." His green eyes burn into mine and for a split second I think again of wanting to talk to my best friend about this.

"It is. But all this freaks me out." I say stepping back from his arms and gesture to the roses. "Can we...Can we just go upstairs now and get it done?"

Jeremy's brows furrow and he let's out a long breath, "Yeah, okay. Are you sure, Mur?"

"Yes! This is what I want to do." Agitation is clear in my tone so I give him an apologetic smile.

"Fine, alright."

Jeremy takes the lead and we go upstairs to his room where my nerves come back accept this time they are one hundred times worse.

His bed is made and everything is in it's place and tidy. Of course, I notice he has a candle near the bed but he blows it out quickly, and I snort a laugh.

We stand there, looking at each other for a long moment, then he snaps his fingers and takes my over night bag and sets it in his desk chair. "Um, do you want to change?" He asks.

My heart dives down to my stomach and I hadn't thought of him seeing me naked. No one has ever seen me naked before and that thought is more terrifying than the sex itself.

"Uhh, can I..." This is so painfully awkward. "I'd like to keep my shirt on."

"That's fine. We can do what ever you want to do, Muriel. We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"No. I do. I want to do this." And get it done and over with. "Let's get into the bed?"

"Okay." Jeremy removes his pants then goes to his bed while I stare rudely and unmoving.

He waits patiently and climbs under his duvet. I clear my throat and do the same with my pants and fold them and place them on the desk.

My silver iPhone sits in the pocket and I check it quickly, praying to see Ollie's name on the screen. But, I have no notifications.

I bite hard onto my lip and gulp, glancing back at Jeremy who is waiting in his bed with worry across his face.

"Umm, sorry, Dad just called me. Can you give me a couple minutes?" I lie and instantly feel like literal crap.

"Oh yeah, let me know of he needs something from me. We had a big client come in today."

"Mmhmm." I grab my phone and practically run out the door and close it behind me.

I chew nervously on my nail and stare at my cellphone screen wishing I could telepathically some how reach out and have Ollie call me.

The urgency I feel to speak to him is taking over every anxious feeling inside me.

Just call him

Leaning against the wall I dial Ollie's number and press the phone to my ear with my heart hammering hard in my chest.

I want him to give me a reason to not fo this...

The line rings loudly, then on the second ring I hear him answer.

"Murry, is everything okay?" He answers quickly, concern coating his voice.

My brows screw upwards and a smile pulls at my lips to hear his voice on the other end. "Hi."

He's silent for a long moment then clears his throat, "Hi. Are you okay?"

I know it's nearly 3 AM there and I realize my reason for calling him is wrong. Ollie is my safetly blanket, he's always been my safety blanket and what I'm doing now to Jeremy is very unfair. But I can't seem to shake the need to hear Ollie's voice right now. I miss him.

"I'm okay...Are you okay?" I ask, hushing my voice so it doesn't reach Jeremy inside his room.

Ollie chuckles quietly and I hear him shift around, "I'm okay."

"Were you sleeping?"

"Nah. Couldn't sleep for some reason." He says and I can tell he's smiling, to which I begin to smile.

"I miss you." I can't help the words that escape my mouth.

"I miss you too, Murry. I'm sorry about Christmas, I was a right shithead."

"It's okay." I slide down the wall and lean against it with my bare legs bent at the knees. "I'm glad you answered. I wanted to talk to you about-"

"Murry, I don't want know about- I mean, your relationship with Jeremy is none of my business."

"Oh." My jaws clench tightly and my cheeks burn with embarrassment.

"Is that why you called? To talk about Jeremy?" His voice cracks and I swallow against the tightness in my throat.

"N-no."

I know I'm lying a lot tonight but now that I'm speaking to Ollie I want to keep him on the phone for as long as possible.

"You're not a good liar, Murry. You're nineteen years old you need to experience things on your own without me holding your hand through everything."

I glare at my knees and want to argue with him, but instead, say nothing because now I feel like I'm about to start crying.

"I feel like we are drifting apart, Ollie." admitting it to him makes the sting in my chest build to a right out ache.

Ollie sighs and again is silent for a long while as I'm feeling the tears build in my eyes. "That's not my intention. You know you're my best friend. How about I bell you in the morning, yeah?"

But, by then I'll already have...I can't finish the thought.

What do I expect from him? To tell me not to go through with my plans with my boyfriend of six months?

Why am I wanting validation with Ollie or even permission?

I know it's wrong of me to want his permission or whatever it is I'm searching for by calling him but I can't help it.

"Yeah...Okay."

"Right then." His voice cracks again and I can sense he wants to say something else but he doesn't.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow?" I ask, although, both of us know he won't be calling.

"Yeah."

I keep the phone pressed to my ear as he disconnects the phone and listen to the dead phone line beep in my ear.

Finally, I look at the dark screen on my phone and let out a long sigh.

What did I expect from him? Clearly, too much. I know if I gave him even a hint of I wanted him to tell me I was making a mistake he would have. But, I wanted him to say it without me prompting it.

I know I'm being unfair and I'm asking him to essentially read my mind, but he always could read me so easily.

I don't know why within this last year we slowly have become strangers to one and other.

"Mur?" Jeremy leans out through his cracked door and spots me sitting on the floor, "We don't have to do this. Let's get some take-out."

"No, I want to get this done and out of the way." I stand and ignore his protest and go right to his bed and climb in the warm blankets, after tossing my phone back to my bag.

"Okay...If you insist." He runs his hands through his dark hair, then returns to the bed and climbs in.

He lays on his back and I relax a little beside him, unsure what to do with my hands so I fiddle with then in my stomach.

"Do you want to make out? Or do you want me to touch you?" Jeremy asks rolling to his side to face me.

"We can kiss," I nod, and ignore the fact I don't want his hands anywhere near my crotch.

I roll to my side, and coil up when Jeremy's lips press against mine. He kisses me gently and caresses my face, but the longer we just lay here kissing the more impatient I become.

"Can we get started?" I ask and Jeremy leans back studying my face.

"Yeah, um. I'm not hard at all can you help me out?"

"Oh." I grab him and start to stroke him quickly and he makes a face like he's in pain.

"I can- I'll do it, Mur." He takes over with his own hand and kisses me. "Can you grab a condom from the drawer?"

"Mmhmm." I roll to the other side eyeing my phone on top of my bag, then roll my eyes and forget about stupid Ollie and find a foil package in Jeremy's organized drawer.

Rolling back to center I hand out the foil to Jeremy and he rolls to his back, slipping out of his pants and briefs then begins to put the condom on out of sight beneath the blanket.

"Can you take your underwear off?" He asks me.

I pull then off and stuff them under my hip to keep close then Jeremy rolls over me and lays ontop, "Can you open your legs?" I do and jolt slightly feeling his penis bump against the inside of my thigh. "You ready?"

"Uh-huh." I brace myself and suck on my bottom lip.

"Okay, tell me if you want me to stop."

"Okay."

He presses himself against my entrance and I suck in the air through my teeth and screw my eyes shut.

If anyone is wondering, Ollie knew what was going down.

Should he have said something?

And what do we think of Murry's first time? So awkward, so forced, no chemistry at all! This girl is her own worst enemy.

Thanks for reading! I loved this awkward chapter!