━━━━  · 。ﾟ☆ .☽ .* ☆ﾟ. ━━━━

(n.) a dull ache of the soul,
a sick pining, a spiritual anguish

THERE WAS A CERTAIN BITTERSWEETNESS IN NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS THOUGHT OF YOU. It was in the way one was able to go about their life and not have to worry about what others were thinking, what thoughts crossed their mind as they passed by, that blissful ignorance one had when they kept to themselves. On the other hand, the act of wanting—of needing—to know what someone thought of them was sometimes all that they knew, taming that constant craving for validation and approval by always seeking it out.

Louis was lucky enough to grow up and become the former, a free thinker not taking into account what anyone thought of him simply due to the reason that anything they said didn't influence him, whether it was positive or negative. Growing up a half-blood and fatherless had ever-so-slowly taught him not to take anything personally, which was rather contradictory with the way he would react when someone would leave him. So after Draco had suggested that they not talk to each other for some time, that was the first time Louis tried to not take it personally, tried to not have himself think that it was his fault.

Draco had reassured him that it wasn't his fault, which Louis had reluctantly accepted, albeit the feeling of not being good enough still managing to sink in and settle, upsetting his stomach. Draco had also gone to wipe a stray tear away from his face, which Louis hadn't expected. He had leaned into his touch before Draco pulled his hand away and shoved it into his pocket. Louis wondered what brought Draco to make this decision, especially since things were going so well between them. Or at least he thought.

Maybe Draco did need space to think a few things through, which was a very normal reaction to something that had become overwhelming on their behalf. Louis wasn't quite sure what had become overwhelming, but that wasn't his place to discern. All he had was the hope that Draco would find him again.

Draco once again found himself in the Room of Requirement, pacing back and forth in front of the Vanishing Cabinet. This had been his umpteenth attempt at fixing it and still no luck. He had thought that cutting down on speaking to Louis would help in lessening his growing feelings for the boy, however, that only brought him to think about him more, leading Draco to miss him—even if it had only been a day, the void was already so large.

He had thought he was doing himself a favor by saying "no" for Louis instead of actually giving him the chance to say it, but now Draco couldn't help but think that he had raised his chances in Louis actually saying "no" to him (which he probably had), a bundle of nerves beginning to tangle themselves together in his stomach, making an intricate knot that would take him hours to untie.

Draco then slid down to the floor in a heap of tired eyes and a bag of worn-out bones and brought his knees to his chest, taking in a long, ragged breath. He liked someone and it had only taken him a handful of hours to ruin it, the descent into the thrashing sea below already starting to pick up the pace. He thought about the way Louis looked at him, a certain gaze he had seen on the cinnamon-haired boy only a few rare times. The first time was the night in the library when Draco could see the freckles on the bridge of Louis's nose, an indication that the two of them were rather close.

The gaze itself only lasted a few seconds, however, in those few seconds, Draco believed he could see the cosmos and every good thing that existed through them. Louis's eyes were such a crystalline blue that he found it rather difficult to look away. Then he had remembered the first time he had seen them, that split-second moment they had bumped into each other on the train, grey nimbus clouds rolling over the ocean, the rain still yet to come.

And it was in that moment Draco Malfoy realized that he was falling for the Ravenclaw Seeker, that comet, that phoenix of a boy. And he was falling hard.

Louis was in the Ravenclaw common room and staring at the moon that night.

Of course, he could have gone up to the Astronomy Tower by himself if he was so pleased but the wound was a little too fresh still and it would only sting more if he went, slowly being consumed by the loneliness that would be waiting for him. So here he stayed, curled into the nook by the window, his journal laying discarded at his side. He had been having a difficult time trying to write, currently at a loss for words and searching his brain rampantly for something to pen. Reaching for his journal, Louis flipped it open to where Draco's note lay, the wax seal taped to the page. He picked it up, getting a feel for the parchment and then being suddenly struck with a flash of inspiration.

And so Louis wrote a note of his own. He went on to pour his heart and half his soul into it, hoping—always hoping—that he would have the chance to be able to give it to Draco when the time was right. If that time would ever soon come and make itself present.

The note stayed in its place for the time being, next to the blood-red wax seal bearing the Malfoy crest that was on the other page. It told a tale of longing, of stars that razed, burning through the night and bearing witness to their subtle yearning long-time—if they could even call it that—and of secrets kept under the heavy weight of the night. It was all a magnificent sort of chaos, really, falling beneath spells of storm grey irises in an age of oncoming darkness while also trying to maintain anything that resembled an adequate social life. With this very note, with the confession that had been spilled onto the parchment with fresh midnight blue ink, Louis was submitting himself to the mortifying ordeal of being known. He was breaking open a part of himself that hadn't been recognized in a while, that had been closed off for quite some time.

When it came to things like physical affection and affection itself in general, Louis found himself to be starved of it, that human connection and all sorts of intimacy that came along with it. He was a particularly touchy person, always needing to be holding something between his fingers. However, as of late, he was getting rather lonely until Draco had shown up in the library and they had begun conversing with one another.

When Louis had had his hand around Draco's elbow that first night, his grip slightly squeezing, it had been the first time he had actively touched anything that was relatively human and if he hadn't done it, he probably would have forgotten what people felt like. And to then have Draco reciprocate the same movement must have meant the same thing for him, in some way, shape, or form.

There was a week until Slughorn's Christmas party would soon come around the corner and Luna was very firm in reminding Louis about it, whom she had found looking distracted in the Great Hall the next morning. Which was fair of her to notice due to the reason that Louis had been distracted over the past few days, trying to think of anything that didn't consist of a number of midnights spent underneath the stars, finding comfort in someone he had least expected, and thinking about meeting their lips with his own.

Louis did admit that he had thought about what it would feel like to kiss him. Draco. He had expected something tender, taking in the newness of the situation that was going on between the two of them—that had been going on between the two of them—into consideration. He wasn't sure what they were at this point if they had been worth anything up until now. He also felt that it would be a soft, somewhat experimental thing at most, no desperation to it, no fire. Just something that would stick to their psyches for the rest of their days, a memorization, a map to guide them through as they slowly learned the other, taking themselves apart, stripping themselves of their abhorrent childhoods and putting themselves back together with new ideas between each languid kiss they shared.

The first thing Draco noticed when he found Louis in the library later that night was that he was seated on the floor in front of the fireplace as though it were clockwork, surrounded by every book imaginable as he seemed to be in the middle of studying for his Astronomy exam instead of in a chair at a table.

"You must really like that couch," Draco commented and Louis's head snapped up at his voice, startling him, his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose from the sudden movement.

"Well, everywhere else was full when I got here," Louis muttered, "and now that everyone's gone, I don't feel much like moving. And I think I've begun to lose feeling in my legs." Fighting the smile that was etching itself onto his face, he added, "You found me."

"I'd always know where to find you," Draco returned.

"Yeah?" Louis raised a brow, hopeful—always hopeful. "Do you feel any better? Now that you've had your space, I mean?"

"No, not really, if you want me to be honest."

"You wanna sit down?" Louis pushed a few of his books aside to let Draco sit beside him if he wanted to. Hesitant, Draco moved to take a seat next to Louis on the floor and before he could speak, Louis asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I like someone," Draco responded before Louis could finish his question.

Louis took in a sharp breath, his breath hitching a bit at what he heard. "Oh."

Draco nodded. "I get all those little things you described when I'm around him. That falling, flying, bone crush type of feeling, that head rush that almost makes me want to vomit."

Louis's chest constricted involuntarily and his heart twisted into a knot before shooting itself up into his throat. "You must really like him, then."

All Draco could do was nod in response, not really needing to say anything else.

Louis smiled at him, his eyes beginning to crinkle, on the verge of true happiness. Something about it made Draco want to surge forward and connect their mouths together and let him know, but instead, he restrained himself by asking, "What're you studying?"

"My Astronomy exam is bound to kick me in the ass because I keep getting distracted and forgetting to study so I'm cramming between now and then."

"Well, that's not very Ravenclaw of you."

"That's because some of us aren't downright nerds, you serpent. We happen to be a bit more than one-dimensional study buddies."

"It can't be that bad. Give me that." Draco reached over to grab the textbook from Louis's lap, his eyes scanning the pages and his brain beginning to fizzle at the complexity of all that he was looking at. "All you're doing is learning about the stars. Why is it all so. . .technical?"

"You took Astronomy," Louis countered, slowly pulling his textbook back onto his lap, his hands brushing over Draco's in the process.

"Yeah, but it wasn't that complicated when we learned it our first year. They're stars."

"Wait 'til you hear that all these stars have names," Louis smirked, raising a mischievous eyebrow.

"They have names," Draco deadpanned.

Louis nodded. "Are you staying for Christmas?"

"Yes?" Draco replied, unsure of the topic change. "Are you?"

"I suppose I am," Louis shrugged, not inconvenienced by the turnout, however, a little upset that he wouldn't be spending the holiday with his mother the way they usually did, "I received a letter from my mother saying that she's taken a vacation with her boyfriend, Martin."

"Is that a bad thing?"

Louis's eyes widened and he shook his head. "Oh, no! Gods no! Martin's wonderful. I'm just a little upset because it's going to be the first Christmas ever I won't be spending with her. It'll feel a little different, but I won't mind it. I've always wanted to see what Hogwarts looked like at Christmas. I heard it was magical this time of year."

"As opposed to every other day you spend here?"

"Oh, shove off, Malfoy."

It was a relief that the two of them could slide back into their little way of life as though what had happened didn't happen. It showed that they were able to work their way past the little things, although asking for space out of nowhere wasn't little.

Albeit being hurt by the request, Louis had taken it in stride and gave Draco the space he wanted—needed. But now, here he was, back by Louis's side as though he never left, as if he never wanted space to begin with. Stars aligned as the two of them looked at the other, fire from the hearth reflecting off of their celestial irises.

"You're staring," Draco murmured, but making no move to look away, but instead resting his head against the couch cushion and continuing on with his gaze, almost challenging Louis to look away.

Releasing a sigh, Louis said, "I'm observing. There's a difference. But I don't think I should be looking at you as though you were the only star in the universe when your crush might be lurking around here somewhere. He might think I'm making you fall in love with me."

Draco scrunched his nose. Louis resisted the urge to pinch it. "You don't have to worry about me falling in love with you," Draco assured.

"That so?" Louis raised an eyebrow, smiling a tiny bit, "Less work for me, then."

"Haha, very funny." Draco was going in to swat Louis playfully on the arm when Louis was swift enough to catch his hand, encompassing it with his own. The observing turned into staring and the staring turned into gazing as they both took note of their proximity and Louis's gentle thumb rubbing the back of Draco's hand.

Louis began to lean in when Draco took in a sharp breath, panic breaching through his system as he turned his head. "I think it's best we go to bed."

Sighing and leaning back, Louis replied, "Yeah. Probably a good idea."

It was safe to say that Draco suffered another falling, flying, dizzying, bone-crushing head rush when he went to bed that night, getting a little closer to the water as he did so.

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 .｡.:*

wow, this one was a doozy (and it took me three (3) days to write because i got stuck‪™‬) !!
we have also officially checked mutual pining
off of our list !
all that's left is pain
(but you won't have to worry about that for a minute)

feedback is much appreciated !
feel free to tell me what you liked,
anything confusing i can help clear up,
what made you want to throw your phone
into the wall, tell me all of it !!