IN MY TIME OF DYING.

05. CINQUE : remember to forget (n.e)

Her life had just begun, just started to sprout, when someone up there decided that wouldn't be for her. They decided that her life was in their hands and not Cecilia's own. They didn't want her to have the perfect life, have the perfect husband or wife, have kids. No, they wanted to see her suffer. They took joy in seeing her suffer. That's why they made sure she wouldn't have her happy ending.

Days seemed to pass by quickly. It seemed as though it was the same day repeating itself over and over again except for that fact that a few things had changed. Or maybe they hadn't. Everything just seemed to be a huge blur, but for some reason the whole scene seemed different than before. For Cecilia, it wasn't quite as weird to talk to Rosalie and it was the same as Bella was towards Edward.

School passed and Cecilia could feel her nerves building more and more. One more day and she felt like she would explode. The weekend didn't help; only hurting the fact that there was something wrong with her.

Without others around, Cecilia was lost in her own thoughts, and most of those weren't bright at all. She'd mostly just stare out the window, watching the rain pelt against her window, hoping that within a few days the MRI would tell her something positive. But knowing her luck, nothing positive was to come.

She hadn't even gone with her friends to La Push, a place that normally is a haven, a place where she doesn't have to worry. In fact, Cecilia had been so caught up, that blew past her mind like it never had happened at all. Clearly there was something wrong with her and no one knew what - not even Cecilia herself. All they could make of it was that she was just nervous for Monday.

There was something more than that, something much larger, something hidden deep down that she didn't want to share. It was obvious as she spent Monday morning lounging around with her friends, nerves tightly wound, being warmed by the rare rays of sunlight that decided to come out.

Bella, for some reason, also seemed to be on edge, but it was possibly for a less depressing reason than Cecilia had. The entire day she had most likely spent wondering where the pale, broody guy she was crushing on had gone. And even at the end of the day Bella was still searching subconsciously for him even though she knew where he was. The Cullens always went off when it was sunny - probably to savor the little days of sunlight that Washington seemed to hate.

Cecilia stood, frowning at the rare sunny sky. Today was not the day for the sky to be bright and cheery, especially when her mood felt more like the dreary grey that normally tool over the sky. When a hand gently placed itself on her shoulder she jumped. Her eyes followed the hand and Cecilia turned to see Angela's concerned face.

"You sure you aren't mad that we went to La Push without you over the weekend?" she asked.

Cecilia nodded. "Yeah, I just needed some time to think. To be honest, I for awhile couldn't really remember that you guys had gone at all."

Angela frowned.

Around them the world seemed to grow louder. Jessica's excited chatter over being asked to prom was almost deafening between the two. It was clear Angela didn't know what to say next. A small sigh escaped her mouth and she squeezed Cecilia's shoulder.

She took note of the small frown, worried brow, and the sad brown eyes - all of which made Angela herself. It was something she always did, but Cecilia found herself doing it more often. It felt like there would be a time where she's forget who her friends ever were.

"And you're sure you don't want to come with us to Port Angeles tonight? We could always wait for you. You need a dress for prom, too."

Cecilia let out a weak laugh. "Prom is the last thing on my mind right now."

"Okay," Angela hesitated. "You'd tell me if you find out that something's worse, right? Like, I know it can't get better, but it's not supposed to be this bad when you're this young, right?"

Cecilia shook her head in response and let herself drag on. "No, not at all, but knowing my luck-"

"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow," Angela said as her mother's silver sedan pulled up at the curb. Cecilia turned and gave Angela a quick hug and a small 'goodbye' to the rest of the group before she rushed down to the car.

As each second passed, it slowly fell into a routine Cecilia had managed to memorize. The blur of the car trip, the anxiety wracking her body, entering the hospital, changing into one of the thin gowns which left little to no imagination, and sitting up on the MRI table waiting to be told what was all going on.

The rough paper underneath her legs crinkled with each small shift of weight, and Cecilia sat uncomfortably on the table. Her mother stood next to her, waiting for the doctor to walk in. MRIs were the worst, to her. She had to lay there for a good hour, unmoving, while the machine told the doctor what was wrong with her brain. Of course she already knew what was wrong, but it didn't help her to know that she could be getting worse.

Goosebumps trailed her arms. The hospital leaving a chill deep in her bones - one she would probably feel for days afterwards. Without thinking, she balled her hands into fists, her nails digging into her skin. She had no clue what to expect from the day's encounters, and it was making her a nervous wreck. She could only imagine how her mother felt.

At the edge of the room the door creaked open, diverting Cecilia's attention away from her hands and towards the familiar woman in the white doctor's coat with a clipboard tucked under her arm. Cecilia always had Dr.Adams for whenever she had to get an MRI, and frankly she liked the woman. Her kind smile and soft eyes made it so much easier to trust what she had to say.

Dr.Jacobs strode across the room and gently shook both of the Lane's hands. It was the same pattern, the same thing each time.

"I'm sure you guys know what we're here for, but I am required to tell you everything that's happening with today's MRI just as I have done the past few months," Dr.Adams started off, flipping up a page on her clipboard. "As you know, with Creudzfeldt-Jakob disease, there is no cure. This degenerative disorder doesn't normally show symptoms this young, but it can be a lifelong struggle for you. The only thing you can do is sit, possibly take medicines to slow down the affection rate, and hope it takes longer for the effect to spread throughout your body. Cecilia, have you had frequent gaps in your memory or times when you tend to space out?"

Cecilia nodded hesitantly, refusing to look at her mom.

Dr.Adams quickly jotted something down on her clipboard before she looked back up at Cecilia. "That's okay. It's not the worst thing that can happen at this stage. As you know, for this MRI we're checking to see how much the disease has spread throughout your brain. It'll take about an hour and a half today, so Mrs.Lane could you please step out of the room until she'd done?"

"Yes, of course," her mother's voice broke as she spoke, and without another words she gripped Cecilia tight. She welcomed her mom's embrace, squeezing her back just as hard. Moments like that were though for the both of them. It was always the two of them against the world and non one left. Cecilia always felt awful during days like this because it reminded her one of them would be left alone eventually. And knowing her luck, she'd be the one buried six feet under.

As her mom left the room, the weight of the world sunk deeper onto her shoulder. Everything suddenly seemed so heavy, and she didn't want to lift it anymore. But she still wanted to fight. She had to fight. The world had to know she didn't want to give up and leave her family alone, but it wasn't always that simple.

"Now, Cecilia." Cecilia turned her gaze to look back at the woman. "Do you need anything before we start? Any headphones?"

She shook her head no and brought her legs onto the table. Slowly Dr.Adams helped her lay down on the cold table, head resting on the particularly flat pillow they hospital had used for their MRIs. Her whole body felt numb, immobile, stuck to the cold metal of the machine. Dr.Adams rested a warm hand on top of her leg and gave Cecilia a kind smile.

"No need to worry. Everything will be alright."

Cecilia nodded. She wanted to believe her. She wanted to believe everything the woman had said but it wouldn't be the truth. The cold, hard truth was that she was dying slowly and there was nothing to be done. So of course the scans would show something wrong or something worse. She could never get better, she could never go into remission or have a normal life like before. No that just wasn't a part of Cecilia.

As she wallowed in her bitter thoughts, the doctor left the room and the lights around her flickered off. All she could hear was the sound of her own thoughts and the slight whir of the machine. Her eyes flickered closed as she felt herself move, fully immersed in herself and only herself. Despite the clanging of the machine that had started up, yelling into her ear, Cecilia stayed lost in her own head. That was something she had gotten good at.

Images flashed through her mind. Some were filled with family and friends, some with bright blonde hair and cold blue eyes, and others with happy memories under the cloudy skies. Her hands twitched, wanting so desperately to move them - to not lie as still as she had to. With the insistent clanging, Cecilia felt herself start to get annoyed. Time meant nothing as she was trapped under a field of white, and when she opened her eyes that was all she could see. There was no way to tell how long she had been in there. Had it been seconds? Minutes? That was always a mystery to her.

However long it was, the time was starting to get to her. She wasn't allowed to move, and she wasn't allowed to leave the machine. The pounding sounds started a growing headache which thrummed in synchronicity with that of the machine. With a small sigh, Cecilia dug her head farther into the flat pillow hoping to find some comfort. All she could do was sit and wait for it all to be over.

Whatever news the doctor had to tell her wouldn't be good. It was something she couldn't avoid, and the inevitability of her dying was large. Cecilia just hoped it would be later rather than sooner. However, with her mind slowly decaying, she didn't know how much she'd actually be up there when her time did come.

Trapped in the MRI, stuck between the clangs and the cool hospital air, Cecilia hoped for one thing and one thing only: to remember those she loved the most, even when the time did come for her death.

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[word count: 2080]

Forgive me I never realized I'd be this busy over summer, but it is the summer before junior year so SAT prep and such. Didn't mean to make you wait this long. Also thank you so much for over 15k reads that means the world! Sorry there was no Rosalie in this chapter; it was mostly more background about Cecilia.

And depending on how this story plays out, and how I am able to write the disease without being ableist (which is something that never occurred to me before but now it's important that you know those are not my intentions), I may or may not have to discontinue it. I wouldn't want to write anything wrong about the disease and people that do have it.