Title: Trapped In A Mystifying Fictional World by avniy1312
Source: ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity
Category: Mystery
Mature: Y (blood, death, gore, mental health issues, murder, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
Special note (judging): I had four books in this category, and the other judges (SSears90, TJDW1989, HavvySnow, and _p1nk_tr4sh_) had four books each.
Result: 50/100

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book, or click the link in the inline comments here. →

*****

Rubric:
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100

*****

Total: 50/100

Title: 5/5
Great title. This could work for many genres because it's so ambiguous, but it definitely catches attention right away.

Cover: 5/5
I'm not a huge fan of stickers because they clutter up covers and rarely match the theme, but that's not the author's fault, and I think it's important to display achievements. In this case, the ONC stickers go fairly well with your cover. It might look too plain without them, actually. But the image of a girl standing in the rain with an expression that could be grim acceptance or some other negative emotion works with your title to give a thriller vibe to this story, and I love what you did with the title and your name. I would never think to mix up fonts like that. It creates a puzzling, cryptic effect that adds to the mystery/thriller feel. Also, you didn't put "by" before your name, and I love you for that. I really hate when people include "by." 😅

Addendum: Of the two covers shown in your "Cover Art" chapter, I prefer the one you're using right now, and I don't think it's too plain without the stickers.

Blurb: 2/5
First thing, I'd move the ONC achievements to the bottom of the blurb. When someone clicks your book title on the website, the pop-up box doesn't show much of the blurb, so you want the first thing listed to be something that will really hook a potential reader.

As far as the actual blurb, I like shorter blurbs, but this may be too short, or at least, not informative enough. All I get is the protagonist's name, age, a motel, mention of a quote, but not the actual quote (unless the last line is the quote?), and then the last line, which would be a good way to finish off your hook, but as it is, it's just too vague and almost feels random. I don't know what the plot will even begin to look like. You don't need to spoil your book—please don't—but more info, please.

Lastly, there are some issues with repetition, word choice, and paragraph arrangement here as well. The first two sentences are really repetitive and feel clunky. You could easily merge both sentences into one, and by eliminating extra words, you'd create a sharper, more attention-grabbing sentence: "Emily Walton is a 25-year-old woman who experiences a strange sense of déjà vu in a mysterious motel."

I'd move the next line/paragraph up to the end of the first paragraph because it isn't different enough or punchy enough to warrant its own paragraph, especially since there isn't much of a hook yet. Then, I'd cut, "Then all of a sudden," because the reader has no sense of a time frame yet, and that shouldn't be your focus. Your focus should be setting the plot up. I'd switch "on" to "in," because that makes more sense in the context, and this is where you can hook your reader. What is the quote? If it's lengthy and gives away spoilers, you don't have to put it verbatim here, but tell us something about it. From what I can gather, it sounds like the entire plot pivots on this quote, so it's important enough to elaborate more for a potential reader. Why is it so important? This would draw readers in and pique their interest, so they start asking questions they can only answer by reading.

As for the last paragraph, as I said earlier, this has the feel of a good hook, but right now, there isn't a fishing line, if that makes sense. It's just a lonely hook with no purpose. Unless something changes drastically with the blurb, I'd leave this as is and work on filling out the info that comes before this so these three short, snappy sentences can do their job.

Plot & storytelling: 5/15
Well, I'll start by saying I've seen all the elements in this plot before, as they're pretty common, but your blending and interpretation of them is fairly unique. The first major plot element, being pulled into a book somehow, isn't too common, but it happens, although I'm not sure I've seen it done through death and reincarnation before. And waking up in the hospital after a prolonged coma is pretty standard in these stories, although in this case, the protagonist doesn't even question if what happened was all a dream or if it was reality, but I'll get to that later. A group of people trapped in a hotel by a snowstorm or some form of inclement weather with a murderer on the loose is a really common trope in mystery novels. And demonic activity in a certain forest or area is very common in horror stories, although tying that to the previous elements is something I haven't seen before, and that's what makes this plot unique.

Oh, before I get any further, I'd just like to say that motels and hotels are different. Motels are cheap, budget stay places, usually one or maybe two stories tall, with rooms exiting straight into the parking lot. So, it would be better to change every instance of "motel" in this story to "hotel," because you're describing a hotel.

Anyway, I'd also like to say that I know you wrote this for ONC, which means you had set word counts and deadlines you had to meet, and that can lead to less planning and editing and more fast writing and thinking on your feet. There's nothing wrong with that, but it opens the door for plot holes and inconsistencies. Now that you've finished Part One, I'd encourage you to go through and edit your first draft to smooth out the bumps and fill in the holes. (And if you're still writing, please update the book to Ongoing, because it says it's Complete with only two chapters of Part Two posted.)

So, most of what I have to say here is about Part One, which has a lot of inconsistencies and plot holes. I'm a very detail-oriented person, so I really can't help spotting this stuff in books, movies, TV shows, whatever, and I actually keep a running list of this kind of stuff in my own stories so I can work on fixing everything in the next go-round of edits. So, please don't take this as a personal affront. It's...just me. And this is basically how I talk to myself about this stuff in my own stories. If it doesn't help you, then don't worry about it. 😅

Okay, first thing, it's stated at the beginning of the story that Emily read the novel, but she didn't know who the killer was. That struck me as weird, because if you read a mystery/thriller book all the way through, that's sort of the climax or finale of the book. There are things throughout this story that make it seem like she doesn't remember the entire book, and bits and pieces are coming back to her as the story progresses, but then there are areas that make it seem like she remembers everything. Then at the end of the story, it's revealed that she knew who the killer was all along, or it at least seems like she did. She just didn't know how they did it and why they did it. So...why not stop them earlier?

Also, at the very beginning, she was in great emotional distress because her boyfriend dumped her. Crying hysterically, having to stop her car in the rain because she was crying so hard, going to the edge of the road and slipping and falling—which all led to her waking up in the novel. So, that broken relationship was a huge deal, and it's never mentioned again. Never. If she felt that deeply about him, shouldn't she think about him every so often? Shouldn't she still be in emotional distress?

Instead, what happens is she wakes up calm, collected, a little confused, but coming to the immediate conclusion that she has died and been reincarnated in a novel, and she accepts that with very little emotion. Reincarnating in a novel is not a natural assumption. That wouldn't even be on the list of differentials for what happened to most people. Especially given her former emotional state, she should be a wreck, and she should come up with and rule out a lot of other things before she finally accepts the reincarnation thing. And she should probably still doubt that's what is going on, because it's so far-fetched.

Moving into the novel world, flickering lights cause mass panic. I don't know why. Nothing else happens. People are running and screaming just because the lights are flickering. Later in the story, the lights flicker again, and this time, no effect. None. The same people who panicked about light flickering before and have now witnessed two people murdered and one stabbed don't panic the next time the lights flicker, even when they go out completely and they're in pitch black.

I had a note about the mother sobbing about losing track of her son after the light flickering thing, without even looking for him, just seeming like she gave up and thinks something horrible has happened, but...the mother has some things going on, so now, I don't think that was so out of character. Although I think Emily should. Lights flicker for a few seconds, child goes missing, mother should look for child. No hysterics involved. That would work well in the foreshadowing department, too, which I'd like to see more of, anyway.

The door to the storage room is described as "grand." I thought it would end up not being a storage room later, especially since it's on the second floor and locked with a padlock, but nope, it's a storage room. A storage room would not have a grand door. It would have a very plain, ordinary door. And it definitely wouldn't be on the second floor.

So, the guy gets stabbed during the light flickering, and the boy returns with a bloody knife in hand, and nobody asks questions. Of anybody. The stab victim might know something about who stabbed him. The boy should be a suspect for the stabbing. But nobody suspects anybody, and that continues throughout the story. Nobody asks witnesses what happened; nobody collects evidence; nobody even seems to think the killer is still among them, even though people keep getting killed and injured via stabbing. People seem genuinely surprised when it's suggested the killer may still be in the hotel with them, and the thought that the killer could be one of them doesn't even cross anybody's minds. The only person who gets a little suspicion is the receptionist, but nobody acts on that suspicion or thinks to ask the receptionist a few simple questions.

It's almost as though Emily does not believe what's happening is real, like she's viewing everything that happens through a lens of detachment, puzzling it out in her head but without making an effort to collect more info to complete the puzzle. She feels sympathy for people who lose loved ones, and she's horrified by people getting stabbed, but she makes no effort to help these people solve the mystery, even though she and Alex seem to be the only people to realize a criminal is even there. And Alex is basically the same in this regard. They're watching what's happening. That's all.

When Emily hears the little girl's voice in the bathroom...I'm not even sure what to say about this. How big is this bathroom? Why can't she just look around and see nobody there? And then she hears the voice in the hallway, and given everything that's happening, it doesn't occur to her that the little girl may not be real? A physical person couldn't speak in her bathroom while she's there without her seeing them, and they couldn't then suddenly vanish from there and end up in the hallway. Emily is a very logical, analytical person, and even taking into consideration the explanation offered at the end of the story, she still shouldn't have been so taken in by this.

Alex sees Damon Shadowcast outside Emily's door, and...that's it? He doesn't say or do anything? Even though it looks like this massive demonic figure is about to break into Emily's room and kill her? I assume Alex just went back to bed, because the next morning, everything's peachy, and he and Emily are having breakfast.

Only two police officers come to investigate two murders, a stabbing, and an attack on a little boy? An entire homicide crew should have arrived, complete with a medical examiner and forensics team. I thought maybe this was part of the murders, like maybe the police officers weren't really police officers, but nope. The weather cleared, and the police department sent two police officers to handle a serial killer.

Along with that, the police seem as detached as Emily and Alex about all this. They ask about the second body, and everybody says nothing suspicious happened before they found him. And the police accept that. Even though Alex told them on the phone about the other murder and the stabbing...

Bodies are decaying way too quickly in this story. Especially given the severe snowstorm affecting network and power availability, the hotel staff would have turned off any heat in the outside building (if it even had any to start with), just to save power, and the body there would have been at least partially frozen. No bugs. No smell of rot. However, the second floor should smell awful, since there's a one-day-old body in one room and, directly across from it, a four-day-old body. But nobody smells anything until they're standing over the bodies. And, again, even the four-day-old body wouldn't be in the state of decay described. There's not enough time for that many bugs and that much damage.

Why would Emily or Alex think anybody else was reincarnated into this world? Just...why? It's a really far-fetched conclusion for one person to make about their own situation, but nothing Emily and Alex have said or done during their interactions gives the impression either had a former life, and I really don't know why either of them would think the other was reincarnated.

Why would they think Damon Shadowcast was behind reincarnating them into this world? Again, there's no explanation, no evidence given to support this.

When the next stabbing happens while the police are there, the weather has cleared enough for them to take that person to the hospital. Why didn't the first stab victim get to go to the hospital when the police arrived during clear weather? Based on the amount of blood described when he was stabbed, he shouldn't be doing too well. And the boy with the heart condition who keeps fainting from shock would probably warrant a doctor examination, too, especially since he's the prime suspect.

I don't know why people don't see that. He showed up with a bloody knife in his hand after disappearing, and if you add that to his relationship to the second victim, the police should have a vested interest in getting him examined by a doctor to ensure he's stable enough for intensive interrogation.

Why didn't he tell anybody what was going on after the second murder? When the person who tells you to keep quiet becomes a victim, that might be a good indication you should tell somebody. I don't know how old this boy is, but based on his speech, he's old enough to know that much.

The revelation of the killer was interesting, but that was that. Everything went back to normal. So, that was unsatisfying, because the police still have a lot of work to do gathering statements and all that, and people have died and been injured, so everything is not rainbows and butterflies. Plus, the underlying conflict introduced in chapter one is still unresolved.

Then the horror sequence happens. That was...anticlimactic. There was an awful lot of foreshadowing and buildup going on for this to all happen and resolve in one to two chapters. More like one and a half, really. And I don't understand the statement about Emily and Alex realizing they had to face the consequences of their actions, because they did nothing wrong. Emily fell off a cliff and Alex got shot in the forest. They died.

When Alex first saw Damon Shadowcast, it's said there are scars all over the demon from people who foolishly tried to fight him. So, he has a physical body, or he can at least take one on, and just pretending he doesn't exist and, therefore, he's nothing to fear, should not defeat him. That was a huge letdown. I also don't know why Emily and Alex would come to that conclusion, given what little they know of him. And I don't know why he's after them specifically, when it seems like the hotel is in his forest, so everybody who was there should be trespassing on his territory. Honestly, I thought there would be some demonic possession going on with the killing and stabbing, but to have the murders and the demonic aspect be two entirely separate things, completely unrelated to each other, was really disappointing. And to defeat the super powerful demon who is so infamous in local mythology by just...ignoring him?

Why did Alex and Emily think they were going back to their previous lives? They thought they died. They had no indication that they were ever leaving the novel. This was their new life. It had been stated repeatedly that they died and were reincarnated into this world, so...going back would mean dying. I don't mind the twist that they didn't actually die, but I don't understand how they realized that while they were in the novel.  Then, when they wake up in the hospital, they automatically assume they're back in the real world, and they automatically assume that what they experienced was real. This would be the point when a normal person would think they dreamed it all, and then, when they bump into each other later, they would realize it had really happened.

As for Part Two, it seems better planned, and it looks like there was a good stretch of time between your finishing Part One and beginning to post Part Two, so that makes sense. You're not under the gun to reach the word count within the deadline so you can stay in the contest, so you can take your time with this. I'm guessing demonic possession is going on this go-round, which is actually kind of satisfying, since that's what I expected in Part One, although that leads me to wonder why Damon Shadowcast is back. Alex and Emily defeated him. He disappeared. He's done. So, you'll need a good explanation for that, but that's very doable.

Oh, and I almost forgot. The blurb does not match the story. The only indication of the plot and the hook in the blurb is a quote that Emily remembers, but that never happens. There is no quote. It's the entire book that she remembers.

Character development: 2/10
I feel like I covered this pretty well above, but these aren't believable characters. Their reactions are not normal at all, and the story is too rushed to really develop them. That goes back to having to crunch and write this for ONC, which, again, is not a problem, it's just something to fix on the next draft. Emily and Alex's thoughts are very analytical, but not very emotional, which makes it harder to connect with them. And they don't change. Neither has any trouble fitting into their new names and new characters in the novel. They should have trouble with that. They should give the wrong name at first, not respond to the right name, that kind of thing. If other people know them, which they clearly do, those people should tell us who Evelyn and Alex are, and Emily and Noah should take that info to create their new personalities. But that doesn't happen. They blend in seamlessly.

And, when they get back to reality, the only change is that they now know each other, and they start dating. Again, a seamless transition that should be bumpy. That experience should have affected them, and that should show up in their daily lives.

We also get very little physical description of anybody, so it's hard to even picture the characters. The most I got of Emily was when she looked in the mirror, and she no longer has glasses or pimples. Now, she looks like a runway model with clear skin. No eye color, no hair color, no skin tone, no clothing, nothing. Alex gets a description, but it's a one-and-done. It's never mentioned again, so if you didn't get it the first time, there's no reinforcing it, which means it fades from memory pretty quickly. Your physical descriptions get better as the story goes along, with Damon Shadowcast probably getting the best description which is then repeated and reinforced, and some of the side characters got really good descriptions when they all finally introduce themselves to each other, but they shouldn't be more easy to picture than the protagonists. And, again, there's no repetition for the side characters' descriptions.

Writing style: 6/10
This is pretty clear writing, very readable. It tends toward the analytical, as with Emily and Alex's thoughts, so emotions are not conveyed well. Action scenes are kind of glossed over. I had to do a double-take when Emily fell off the cliff because that didn't pop in the paragraph, and something like that should be a really shocking, attention-grabbing event. It blends in too much right now, and the horror sequence is similar. I had a hard time picturing the action, and it was over before I really realized what happened.

Your dialogue is usually very natural, but there are instances of info dumps in the dialogue, especially when people introduce themselves, and that's not natural. You rarely walk up to someone, shake hands, and then proceed to list your full name, age, job title, and entire family background in one monologue. Let that flow in a conversation instead. Allow some back-and-forth, a question here, an explanation here. This is also a great place to really deepen and explore your characters.

There are info dumps in Emily and Alex's thoughts, too, and, again, spread it out. Incorporate it into the story instead of bringing the story to a stop with this massive paragraph of all the info in one spot.

As I mentioned in "Character Development," descriptions are very lacking. For example, in chapter one, there's a couple wearing "traditional clothes" and serving a "traditional meal." That could mean anything. Traditional in what culture? What do the clothes look like? What foods are being served? How do they taste? I don't know if you don't tell me.

Your weather descriptions, however, are very good, as are your visual descriptions of rotting bodies, which also include descriptions of smell.

Sometimes, your descriptions suffer from word choice issues: "His upper eyelids were pulled up, and his lower eyelids were tense and drawn up as well." I had to read that a few times to figure out what that meant, and I think you just mean his eyes were wide. It would be a lot clearer to just say that.

There are also occasional descriptions that contradict themselves or the rest of the scene: "Ghostly, deserted motel-like" but "all the guests crowded together." That doesn't match. First, of course it's motel-like (or, more properly, hotel-like), because it is a motel (hotel). If it's ghostly and deserted, it's empty. So, it can't be full of guests crowded together and be ghostly and deserted. Now, if you mean one area of the hotel feels ghostly and deserted because all the guests are crowded in another area, that makes perfect sense, but you just have to be more clear about that.

Grammar: 5/10
Your grammar started off okay in the prologue, declined over the next few chapters, and then picked up again and improved consistently toward the end of the story, and there's a huge difference between Part One and Part Two. And that's all normal. You start writing a story, you're trying to figure it out, but you're pressed for time, so editing suffers. But then, as you get into the story and you have consistent readers who are providing feedback, you improve. So, while I noticed a variety of SPAG errors, they were inconsistent, and many mistakes you made at the beginning of Part One don't show up at all in Part Two. I jotted down a list as I went, and I'll cover all that below, but I don't know if you even need all of it. So...just take what you need and ignore the rest.

At the beginning of Part One, you had issues with run-on sentences that needed to be split into two or more sentences. In a lot of these cases, there was a comma where I would recommend putting a period, and you'd capitalized the first word following the comma, as if you meant to start a new sentence there. I think you were already in the process of fixing these and got distracted. And, as I said, not really an issue toward the end of the story. But, for an example: "Eventually, her attempts failed and she let out a piercing scream, a flood of tears went down her cheeks." The comma after "scream" should be a period.

That example also illustrates issues with word choice. "A flood of tears went down her cheeks" is grammatically correct, but it doesn't sound natural. Just swapping "went" for "poured" would honestly fix it, and it's like that throughout the story. A simple word swap makes all the difference.

Verb placement was an issue at the start of the story, but this is another thing that went away as the story progressed. For example: "Am I don't deserve to be happy? Why my life is so miserable?" That should be: "Don't I deserve to be happy? Why is my life so miserable?"

Verb tense in dialogue was a very rare issue at the start of the story: "I always trust him" should be "I always trusted him." A much more common issue was overall verb tense in the narrative. The prologue and chapter one are in past tense, but the last sentence of chapter one flips into present tense, and following that, the tense flip-flops frequently, sometimes in the same sentence. That creates a lot of bumpiness and confusion, so sticking to one tense is really important. In this case, I'd stick with past tense, because that's where you started, and that seems to be the overall verb tense.

Another thing I think you've self-corrected is using commas to end sentences. That's a no-no. Commas are breaks in sentences, but they do not end them, except for dialogue leading into a dialogue tag. Periods, exclamation marks, question marks, and ellipses (...) are the only punctuation marks that can end sentences outside of dialogue.

And, on that note, you used two periods back-to-back at the beginning of the story a few times to create a trailing-off effect (..), and that should be a full ellipsis. Three periods. No more, no less. You also put a question mark in front of your trailing periods, and it should be the other way around (...?). That's used in dialogue to show a person's words trailing off as they ask a question.

You mentioned the novel title quite a lot, obviously, since Emily is now in the novel, and you changed up how you denoted that title. Sometimes, it was in single quotation marks (''), sometimes in double quotation marks (""), and again, consistency is key. I actually prefer italicizing book titles, because that's what my teachers drilled into me in school. If you do it that way, you don't have to worry about quotation marks at all. But the choice is up to you. I'd just recommend picking one way and sticking to it.

Capitalization was an issue early on as well. Sometimes, you missed capitalizing the first word of a sentence, or sometimes, you accidentally capitalized a random word in the middle of the sentence. You clearly self-corrected this, so just something to clean up when you go back through for editing.

You spelled "Ma'am" as "Mam" right at the beginning of the story, but you fixed that later on as well. There were also instances of awkward or clumsy phrasing at the beginning of the story that were much rarer by the end of the story. For example: "Subsequently the unbelievable revelation, Emily was sitting on the huge couch at the entrance of the motel." It would be smoother to say, "After the unbelievable revelation, Emily sat on the huge couch at the entrance of the motel."

There were quite a few pronoun mix ups at the beginning of the story, too, using she/her/hers when referring to a man who you'd previously described with he/him/his. The first time Alex sees Damon Shadowcast, there were a lot of feminine pronouns used to describe the masculine demon.

As mentioned in the blurb, there were instances of repetition, too. Usually, it was just one word, averaging three uses in three back-to-back sentences (like "medical kit" in the scene with the first stabbing victim), but there was one sentence that had the same phrase repeated three times in just that one sentence ("gruesome corpse" when they found the first body), and I saw at least one place where the same word or phrase repeated five times in a row. In chapter 18, there were actually two entire paragraphs that repeated. That gets really bumpy and clumsy. Merging sentences like I did in the example with the blurb would work well in most instances, and you can always look up synonyms and swap words for added variety.

The story is overall written in third person perspective, but starting in chapter six, there were times when you slipped into first person. Same thing as with verb tense—consistency is key here. POV changes get confusing, so stick with third person.

I already talked about motel versus hotel earlier, but there are some other words I came across that I'm not sure you're using correctly. First, when they heard the "cackle." That's a type of laugh. I think you meant "crackle," although with the demonic element, maybe you did mean "cackle." The biggest word issue is "outhouse." That's an outdoor toilet. Like, dig a hole in the ground, set up a little wooden shack around it, and that's where you go until it fills up and you have to dig a new one. I'm pretty sure you meant "shed," which is a small storage building outside of a main building. Then, there's "glance," which is a quick, fleeting look. It does not linger. You glance at the clock and then get back to reading. That kind of thing. So, when the police were examining bodies, they were not glancing at them (we hope).

Okay. Dialogue. There were a lot of issues at the start of the story, like ending a sentence with a comma but not leading into a dialogue tag ("But this was all my illusion," and then the paragraph ended), forgetting to use lowercase for the first word in the dialogue tag; that kind of thing. And you self-corrected as the story went on. There were times when you had the dialogue for two different speakers in the same paragraph, and it's better to give each speaker their own paragraph to make the conversation easier to follow. Similarly, there were one or two places where you split the speaker's dialogue into two paragraphs, and it's better to keep one person's dialogue all together.

The biggest issues are with interjections and thoughts. So, first, interjections. When everybody hears the missing boy calling for his mom and dad, that's dialogue. He's saying that. It should not be in italics. It should be in double quotation marks, just like any other dialogue. And, when people are shouting, you don't need to use all caps to show that. An exclamation mark shows that. If that's not enough, then clarify with the dialogue tag: he exclaimed, or he shouted, or she screamed.

Now, for thoughts, sometimes you italicize them, sometimes you put them in double quotation marks, sometimes you do both, and sometimes you don't do anything to set them apart. The easiest way I've found to distinguish thoughts from dialogue and the narrative is italics. You follow the same dialogue rules, just without the quotation marks. For example: I wonder what's going on here, Emily thought.

Originality & creativity: 5/10
I pretty much covered this in "Plot & Storytelling," but the different aspects of the plot aren't unique. The whole murderous rampage in a hotel where the guests are all trapped by inclement weather, is super common in mystery/thriller stories, and the way I thought you would make that unique was through incorporation of the demonic aspect, but that didn't happen, so that entire part of the plot is very rote and cliché. The reincarnation was new-ish, but that demonic bit is the most unique part of this story, and I'd love to see you amp that up and tie it into the murders. And explain what that had to do with the reincarnation. Because that made no sense.

Part Two promises more of what I expected from Part One, so I have high hopes that it will be an extremely unique, original storyline. And Part One can easily be as well. It just needs some polishing.

Emotional impact: 3/10
Again, I covered this in "Plot & Storytelling" and "Character Development." The prologue has the best emotional descriptions in the entire story, and I really felt Emily's distress then, but that didn't continue. There's a lot of saying she's feeling such-and-such, but not a lot of showing it, and showing it is how you make it real for the reader so they can empathize with the characters and get further invested into the story. There are brief moments, like when the lights go out, or Lily's going to get her phone, or the start of the horror sequence, where I started to get that heart-bounding tension you really want to invoke, but the follow-through wasn't there, so it didn't have as much impact as it could.

Pacing & structure: 2/5
I mentioned this before, but the story feels really rushed. There isn't room for character development or emotional exploration because the story is just going from plot point to plot point with no breaks. Adding in more descriptive detail and focusing on developing your characters will slow it down, and you may not even need to change the actual timeline of the story to do that, if that makes sense. Just fill out your chapters more.

Overall, the structure of the story is logical, with a few very specific exceptions that throw a few bumps into the road. I have my thoughts on what I'd do to smooth these out, but there are so, so many ways to handle them, so just do whatever works for you.

The prologue and chapter one both feel like prologues. Chapter one doesn't lead into chapter two and has a very different tone from chapter two and the rest of the story, and honestly, if you didn't already have a prologue, I would have said to rename chapter one as a prologue. So, I think you should flip chapter one and the prologue, because chronologically, that makes sense, and I think the end of chapter one is a better introduction to the story than the end of the prologue. Or you could just cut the prologue completely and rename chapter one as the prologue. The method of Emily's injury and apparent death isn't relevant to the rest of the story, and her grief about a broken relationship never shows up again. I thought that would be the pain in her past she'd eventually disclose to Alex, but it wasn't. So, the prologue as it stands is just clutter that creates expectations the story does not fulfill.

In chapter eight, there are two paragraphs, and then a flashback. Just start the chapter where the flashback starts and add the two paragraphs afterwards. You don't need to announce the start or the end of the flashback, as it's an easy transition from the end to the present time, and it feels really clunky to say "start flashback" and "end flashback."

The end of chapter 11 sounds like a book blurb or the end of the story. I actually clicked on the table of contents to double-check, because I thought the book was ending there, and I was like, wait, weren't there more chapters? There are a couple of other chapters after that where that happens, too, but not the extent of chapter 11.

Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5/5
Free points. Yay! 🙂

Overall engagement & enjoyment: 5/10
Because of the lack of character development, it was hard for me to engage with this story, and the plot holes definitely bugged me a lot. But I recognize that this is a first draft you wrote for ONC, which I know meant tight deadlines and strict word counts, and there's definite growth and improvement in your writing as the story progresses, which I absolutely love to see. Writing challenges like ONC are good for pushing writers to stretch their skills, especially with ongoing feedback from other participants. So, props for you taking this challenge on and finishing it, and props for you turning this into a series. Or a longer book, I guess. You may be too focused on writing Part Two right now, but I do encourage you to go back and iron out Part One when you get a chance, because if this is where draft one starts, I'm excited to see where draft two goes.